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Post by novembercomingfire on Jan 18, 2017 8:52:13 GMT -5
I had this discussion with my X on 3 separate occasions when married to her. She had often expressed a desire not to have to be bothered about sex ever again. So I approached it from the standpoint of what was in it for her if I had a FWB. We talked the pros and cons and I thought she might go along, but in the 3rd discussion she stated she wanted to restart regular intimacy and really try to make a effort to be a loving wife. The restart lasted about 3 months and she simply could not keep up the effort. For me it was the deal breaker when she started making excuses to avoid me and again stating sex was simply something she wasn't interested in any more. For most people here the suggestion to open up the marriage is a nonstarter for their spouse. They don't want it and you can't have it seems to be the norm. Unfortunate as it may seem while one is in it, as i read between the lines here, the answer to me seems to be walk out the door. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Jan 18, 2017 9:04:33 GMT -5
I had this discussion with my X on 3 separate occasions when married to her. She had often expressed a desire not to have to be bothered about sex ever again. So I approached it from the standpoint of what was in it for her if I had a FWB. We talked the pros and cons and I thought she might go along, but in the 3rd discussion she stated she wanted to restart regular intimacy and really try to make a effort to be a loving wife. The restart lasted about 3 months and she simply could not keep up the effort. For me it was the deal breaker when she started making excuses to avoid me and again stating sex was simply something she wasn't interested in any more. For most people here the suggestion to open up the marriage is a nonstarter for their spouse. They don't want it and you can't have it seems to be the norm. Unfortunate as it may seem while one is in it, as i read between the lines here, the answer to me seems to be walk out the door. We all know the basic 3 choices, walk out the door being one. As always the dynamics in a marriage are those between the 2 spouses. You have to weigh the factors and come to a decision as to what you feel is best for you and in your families best interest. For me it was ending the marriage. |
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Post by idkanymore on Jan 18, 2017 13:06:34 GMT -5
Thank you all for your input. Since our blowup argument last Thursday, he has been better about showing affection. When he gets home from work he kisses me and says hey baby I'm home. I don't want to get my hopes up, because it's happened before where for 2 weeks or so he tries really hard then it dwindles back to nothing. I'm going to try and be optimistic for now. If/when it goes back to nothing, that's when I might bring it up. I've decided if he says yes, I'm still not going to do anything with someone else so I can see how he acts. I can act like I'm happy and he will think I found a fwb and then I will know for sure how he reacts to it. He might say it's ok, but then treat me horribly or treat me better. I'll have to test him first lol.
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Post by Apocrypha on Jan 18, 2017 13:35:03 GMT -5
No. The problem is that her husband doesn't desire her. You can both go to therapy and learn to communicate better. Mrs A and I certainly did, but "communicating well" does not create desire where none exists. I did the open marriage thing, open a crack, for maybe 3-4 years with Mrs A. I learned a few things in that time. No Apocrypha that may be your problem. At least read idkanymore 's posts. There is nothing in what she has written to justify your terse conclusion. Don't inflict your 50 year old bitterness on an extremely young woman. A 28 year old SAHM taking care of 4 kidsis not going to suddenly stand up and walk out. Don't we all wish we could go back to a younger day, only a couple of years into marriage, and use professional help to solve for some of our marital dysfunction? I sure as heck do! A lot goes wrong in just a few sentences dancingbear70 . Let me show you: 1. I'm not 50, whatever that means to you. Whether her sexually avoidant spouse is 50 or 20, the result remains the same. Your ungenerous characterization of people that age and over applies to quite a few people reading. So, it's likely good that you have been authentic in putting your view on display, so we may all consider what that means to us. 2. I'm not bitter and the regrets I expressed are not the result of age. These errors and missed opportunities occurred when I was younger. Mrs A and I have a better relationship in separation than in marriage, approaching that of extended family. Some of the experiences I expressed were not positive, but that's what they were. idknowanymore asked for people with experience in open marriages in this thread, in the context of an intimacy-avoidant spouse, which I have. You are asking me to shut up. So, do you have experience with this? 3. I have read idkanymore's posts and don't agree with your conclusion and isn't the problem she identified. While there might or might not also be a lack of communication in the marriage, and while resolving a lack of communication might create a more fulfilling and supportive lifestyle overall with her partner, I also know from experience and from directly asking our own family counselor after years of therapy that it does NOT equate to restoring sexual expression in a therapeutic bases, not even most of the time. So, while we can chime on what improves a relationship - without necessarily specifying on the NATURE of that relationship - having good communication doesn't address her husband's lack of desire for her. 4. If her husband desired her, it would be easy to conclude that he would likely have sex with her, given that they live together. I don't understand why this isn't self-evident, but somehow I managed to trick myself out of seeing it too, when I was in the same place. 5. Nor have I proposed a solution to her problem - such as " suddenly stand up and walk out". Nor did I do that in my own marriage with my own children. What was requested was information on experiences with an open marriage. That was provided by me. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Jan 18, 2017 18:27:10 GMT -5
Reading all the great follow-up posts.
If I am really in love with a Woman - there is no way I could share her - barring some very specific unusual circumstances.
What is the point of being together in an SM if you must outsource sex? There is no "couple life"
SEX is only a symptom per my experience. I do not consider myself an animal that simply must relieve primitive animalistic urges. Sex in its purest form is the ultimate expression of love between two soul mates - this is the Holy Graal of life perhaps. Anything less than that is a compromise and coping mechanism. I speak from my heart and intuition.
So having an "open marriage" for sex and intimacy while being married to the same spouse? I mean if the society rules forbid divorce and you are stuck in the marriage - I guess so. but why in our time now?
Is that really your heart's desire - just to outsource or is it only delaying addressing the real problem and a half measure coping mechanism.
Actually, I speak from experience, and I have had years and years of "coping mechanisms" and "outsourcing" - it was horrible compared to being in love or more profoundly in a loving relationship with 2 people committed to each other to be one flesh - body, mind, and soul. I personally have stopped this "half measure" temporary fix and will go for the sacred union or die trying.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 18, 2017 18:54:44 GMT -5
In theory, it's a great idea. Since most marriages have a monogamy rule, it would be only fair if there was a corresponding no-forced-celibacy rule. Unfortunately, because we live in a world where the less sexual and more uptight people get to run everything - you may not get good results. He might be one of the many selfish people who thinks that since *he* doesn't want to have sex, *you* should never have sex again, either. So - my advice is: Don't ask him for an open marriage unless you are sure you're OK with him ending the relationship as a result. Including having big horrible emotional fights, the silent treatment, etc. This is excellent. Especially your analysis of the world and its having been coopted by non-sexuals/prudes. Your advice is spot on in my opinion. I agree with you 100%. @smartkat is spot on, certainly dead on the mark about my marriage. |
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Post by idkanymore on Jan 19, 2017 23:23:11 GMT -5
It's nights like these that make me so angry. Here I am dropping little hints and we go to the bedroom, first thing walking through the door: man I have such a migraine.
Bullshit
He knew what I wanted and just didn't want to.
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Post by dancingbear70 on Jan 19, 2017 23:38:11 GMT -5
It's nights like these that make me so angry. Here I am dropping little hints and we go to the bedroom, first thing walking through the door: man I have such a migraine. Bullshit He knew what I wanted and just didn't want to. If a hint doesn't work, be direct. See what happens. |
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