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Post by McRoomMate on Jan 15, 2017 16:41:41 GMT -5
I have often said to myself the only reason I am still in this marriage and with her is 2 Reasons and that is our 2 children together.
I have stopped asking for sex or intimacy or anything for years - and she has too. We had sex in February (so going on 11 months - at her request) and then before that it was like 9 months and over a year. We have zero couple life, no kissing, no cuddling, neither of us have any desire to reach out and hold the other - she never tries to hug me or anything - but neither do I. We are both not attracted to each other physically.
I hope she is having affairs or something - I cannot imagine a sex life that pathetic for a beautiful lady which she still is in her late 40s. I confess to going out and just having physical relationships - avoiding and not even thinking about "falling in love" just to scrape by on physical and stealing intimate moments when I can.
However, I am at wits end - I see the ILIASM called the "Elephant Graveyard" of the worst marriages - I would agree (bar physical beating or violence) that a passionless sexless marriage is the worst. I have been experiencing it now for years and years.
Still, I want so hard to avoid a break-up or a divorce as the pain it would cause our children. It is essentially self-sacrifice (the big part of me that wants to be in love and a real couple - which I know exist and I can be capable of - but never with her at this point). Our home from the children's point of view is a happy one - there is tranquility and harmony from the children's point of view. I fear a break up will traumatize their safe world.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jan 15, 2017 17:42:05 GMT -5
I'm not sure where people get the idea that modeling a dispassionate relationship is healthy for their children, but something about that myth always rubs me the wrong way when I hear it. In the Resources thread, wewbwb posted an excellent article about successful marriages (link: iliasm.org/thread/2040/surprised-me-good) from, of all places, Business Insider. But having read it - it is really a must-read, I think, for anyone that wants to have a good partnership. On the idea of staying together for kids, please see the article and specifically item # 10 (nugget: The big message I heard hundreds of times about kids: put the marriage first.) On the self-sacrifice at cost of losing your own spirit, reference item #5 But please - read the whole article if you have time - it really is a good one! |
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Post by McRoomMate on Jan 15, 2017 17:47:28 GMT -5
Thank-you GeekGoddess. I will do right away.
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Post by shamwow on Jan 15, 2017 17:53:28 GMT -5
I used to think the same about staying together for the kids. I did so myself. But as my kids get older and have boyfriends and girlfriends of their own I feel I have done more harm than good.
I am now more concerned with the model of a "healthy relationship" I am presenting to them and KNOW it is doing more harm than good.
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Post by baza on Jan 15, 2017 17:54:06 GMT -5
Two schools of thought.
#1 - that staying together provides kids with stability and is thus the right thing to do.
#2 - That staying together keeps exposing kids to a dysfunctional model of adult behaviours and the kids are highly likely to absorb that and carry it into their adult choices in life partners, and thus is the wrong thing to do.
Lucky *you* gets to choose which scenario you want to risk.
Perhaps, if you considered your own past, you might get an insight.
Were you a kid in a dysfunctional environment ?
Did that play any part in your choice of life partner as an adult ?
How about the same two questions about your spouse ?
My personal opinion (worth jack shit) is that keeping kids exposed to a dysfunctional environment does them no favours at all longer term.
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Post by McRoomMate on Jan 15, 2017 18:04:42 GMT -5
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Post by McRoomMate on Jan 15, 2017 18:16:24 GMT -5
Here is the Kicker in the article
11. Sex matters ... a lot
"And you know how you know if you or her are slipping? Sex starts to slide. Period. No other test required."
Oy vey - 10 years of basically SM . . . brutal simple test. Ouch - it even penetrates my scarred numb heart.
The funny thing our marriage has the outward appearance of being functional there is no yelling or stress really in the house - all the children are in a safe peaceful environment - just no passion between the parents - NONE - not even fighting really - we are room mates - like Platonic Parents.
I appreciate all the feedback - This Forum is just AMAZING . . . so much learned and well tough experence wisdom from you all. Thank-you big time!
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Post by rejected101 on Jan 15, 2017 18:38:44 GMT -5
Staying together just for the children is a bad idea from what I understand. What will your children witness and what will they grow to understand as being a 'normal' and 'happy' relationship. What sort of relationship will they end up having as adults. These are things to consider. I'm not arrogant enough to pretend I know the complexities of your marriage but there are 2 sides to every coin. Sometimes you have to flip the coin over.
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 15, 2017 18:41:12 GMT -5
Staying together just for the children is a bad idea from what I understand. What will your children witness and what will they grow to understand as being a 'normal' and 'happy' relationship. What sort of relationship will they end up having as adults. These are things to consider. I'm not arrogant enough to pretend I know the complexities of your marriage but there are 2 sides to every coin. Sometimes you have to flip the coin over. Exactly!! THIS!! |
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Post by baza on Jan 15, 2017 18:51:03 GMT -5
Just about everyone has "amazing" children, if what you read in here is to be believed.
Yet, when it suits us - say in the kids intuitive ability to absorb the vibe in a dysfunctional parental dynamic - the kids apparently become as dumb as a box of rocks.
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Chances are, your kids are NOT as dumb as a box of rocks.
Chances are, they are absorbing it all like the little sponges they are.
There's a story I wrote called "You Pay Now - The Kids Can Pay Later" on the old EP site that might be worth a read if you can find it.
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Post by wewbwb on Jan 15, 2017 19:41:05 GMT -5
I'm not sure where people get the idea that modeling a dispassionate relationship is healthy for their children, but something about that myth always rubs me the wrong way when I hear it. In the Resources thread, wewbwb posted an excellent article about successful marriages (link: iliasm.org/thread/2040/surprised-me-good) from, of all places, Business Insider. But having read it - it is really a must-read, I think, for anyone that wants to have a good partnership. On the idea of staying together for kids, please see the article and specifically item # 10 (nugget: The big message I heard hundreds of times about kids: put the marriage first.) On the self-sacrifice at cost of losing your own spirit, reference item #5 But please - read the whole article if you have time - it really is a good one! Staying for the kids, hurts the kids. |
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Post by shamwow on Jan 15, 2017 19:42:47 GMT -5
I'm not sure where people get the idea that modeling a dispassionate relationship is healthy for their children, but something about that myth always rubs me the wrong way when I hear it. In the Resources thread, wewbwb posted an excellent article about successful marriages (link: iliasm.org/thread/2040/surprised-me-good) from, of all places, Business Insider. But having read it - it is really a must-read, I think, for anyone that wants to have a good partnership. On the idea of staying together for kids, please see the article and specifically item # 10 (nugget: The big message I heard hundreds of times about kids: put the marriage first.) On the self-sacrifice at cost of losing your own spirit, reference item #5 But please - read the whole article if you have time - it really is a good one! Staying for the kids, hurts the kids. That's not how society directs us. Society is wrong sometimes. Society is definitely wrong in this case. wewbwb is totally right. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Jan 15, 2017 20:13:42 GMT -5
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Post by baza on Jan 15, 2017 20:25:07 GMT -5
Nup. That ain't mine. Mine is titled "You Pay Now the Kids Can Pay Later" under my then name "bazzar". If I knew how to (a) find the post (b) do a link to here then I would do so. But I am a computer imbecile, and do not know how to do links. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2017 20:28:53 GMT -5
Children pick up on the atmosphere in the home, the feelings between mom and dad.
What you are teaching them is that being stuck in a bad marriage is part of the punishment for having kids.
Or, that it's their fault their parents are unhappy. If you didn't have to stay together for the kids, you and your spouse could get away from each other and both have a happier life.
So, if your kids are smart, the thought in their minds will be, "Don't ever have kids! Because once you do, you're stuck."
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