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Post by baza on Jan 16, 2017 3:19:11 GMT -5
There are two other motivations about "staying for the kids" though people will rarely admit they are in play.
#1 - is where the kids are the only decent thing in ones life, and you want to hang on to that for your own reasons. In fact, you are staying "for you" and your emotional need to have the kids on tap, whether that is in the kids best interests or not. In this scenario, you are not "staying for the kids". You are staying for yourself.
(I'm not knocking that either, but it is as well to know the real reason you are staying, and not bullshit yourself)
#2 - is where the arguement is a cloak. "Staying for the kids" sounds very upstanding and honourable. It sure sounds a lot better than "I am too shit scared to leave" and the kids needs are actually a secondary consideration to that fear.
(I am not knocking this position either, but again, it is as well to know yourself the real reason you are staying)
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Post by becca on Jan 16, 2017 20:41:54 GMT -5
Staying as long as I did "for the kids" has definitely insured my 19 and 22 year olds will need therapy before they can pursue healthy relationships. I honestly believed that the issues my husband and I were having would not have an impact on them and it saddens me greatly just how wrong I was. I smiled, laughed and acted like everything was ok and we were a model family. But children are smarter than we give them credit for and what I thought would create stability made them feel they couldn't trust what was said and couldn't even trust their own feelings. So yes, wewbwb, "Staying for the kids, hurts the kids" |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 16, 2017 21:25:15 GMT -5
Staying as long as I did "for the kids" has definitely insured my 19 and 22 year olds will need therapy before they can pursue healthy relationships. I honestly believed that the issues my husband and I were having would not have an impact on them and it saddens me greatly just how wrong I was. I smiled, laughed and acted like everything was ok and we were a model family. But children are smarter than we give them credit for and what I thought would create stability made them feel they couldn't trust what was said and couldn't even trust their own feelings. So yes, wewbwb , "Staying for the kids, hurts the kids" Couldn't agree more!! Our therapist asked my W. and I to wright down our 5 most important things in our life, in order. I found my w's list. 1) God. 2) Family. 3) Church. 4) Work. I told her, "that's a very good list, but where is marriage?" That stumped her.... but, like a controller, she came back with, "that's part of family". I said, "every book I have read, every radio broadcast, every sermon says, God first, marriage second , and family third, or marriage first, children second." She had no response then, and during therapy. I have to disagree with the "don't involve the children in any of it", when the "children" are older teens. I am discovering that the more my teens see their mothers controlling behavior, the more they either avoid her, or are beginning to stand up against it. I also am beginning to see HOPE when I speak to them about a different house with stricter rules that gives everyone a better sense of respect on how we treat each other. Tough love on my part. Becca, prayers for you and your daughters, that this experience will make them strong, resilient, woman, with an understanding, and a desire to have relationships with communication, trust, respect, and intimacy. Here's to new beginnings. Like the woman with Forest Gump and lieutenant Dan at New Years, "everybody deserves a second chance". |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 16, 2017 22:36:40 GMT -5
Children pick up on the atmosphere in the home, the feelings between mom and dad. What you are teaching them is that being stuck in a bad marriage is part of the punishment for having kids. Or, that it's their fault their parents are unhappy. If you didn't have to stay together for the kids, you and your spouse could get away from each other and both have a happier life. So, if your kids are smart, the thought in their minds will be, "Don't ever have kids! Because once you do, you're stuck." Well, maybe. Only half of me want's to say this. How many of us, (myself included) thought, "that won't happen to me, I'll do better, I'm going to find someone not like him or her." Then comes the ever powerful blinding "LOVE". Along with all of it's, if only I do this better, or give it more time, or it's not that bad, etc..... Wish our society offered a whole lot more mentors. They seem to be a dying breed, few look for it, yet we all need it. |
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Post by wewbwb on Jan 16, 2017 22:55:55 GMT -5
Staying as long as I did "for the kids" has definitely insured my 19 and 22 year olds will need therapy before they can pursue healthy relationships. I honestly believed that the issues my husband and I were having would not have an impact on them and it saddens me greatly just how wrong I was. I smiled, laughed and acted like everything was ok and we were a model family. But children are smarter than we give them credit for and what I thought would create stability made them feel they couldn't trust what was said and couldn't even trust their own feelings. So yes, wewbwb , "Staying for the kids, hurts the kids" We all need therapy. So don't be too hard on yourself. Also, hopefully, now that they are adults, you can speak to them as adults, and explain the "how's and why's". Not as excuses, but as a healing experience that shows them that you respect them and value their input. Or you can just tell them to quit bitching and leave you the fuck alone. There really is no "right" answer.  |
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Post by beachguy on Jan 17, 2017 9:24:03 GMT -5
My parents had a sexless marriage that my father ended when I was a late teen. I followed in his footsteps, like a good son. After all that is my normal. Since childhood.
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