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Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 13, 2017 22:42:47 GMT -5
Hippocracy isn't a fair way to consider this (imo)...it IS a smart strategy and not dishonest at all. There are always lots of moving parts in addition to the SM, and good for you if you're better off biding you time. If, however, you're mentally gone and the 'moving parts' are relatively small - then it's just a delaying tactic.
FWIW, since telling my W while in therapists office that I think its time to separate, so much has been easier to deal with. Taking the 'hoping and believing it may change' out of the equation is actually liberating! A main reason for waiting so long was to be there until all 3 kids finished college and have at least a foot out the door. (they all understand that their mom and I haven't been happy for years, and know what's likely to now happen. I do not get into any SM details, just saying 'we've grown apart' which is obvious to them)
also - kudos to this forum and the wonderful, brave people who can share experiences - this more than anything has helped me to stop waffling and make some long overdue decisions.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 13, 2017 23:10:27 GMT -5
I agree with beachguy there's something to be said for keeping the peace for the greater good of day in and day out. When the time is right your plan will come together. I love it when a plan comes together! I agree with both bg and bball. Keeping your head low until you leave is protecting yourself, not pretending everything is okay. It is no different than getting along with that annoying guy at the office because why would you create a ruckus at work. In fact, you could start using the same avoidance techniques at home. Whenever you see him coming and suspect an annoying comment will emerge from his lips, duck into the bathroom with a quick, "Female thing, gotta go." The bonus is that at home when you do that, you can stay in there and take a bubble bath! Avoidance is like arguing. Saying nothing, IS saying something. There needs to be a balance, and the right timing. Just be careful. |
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Post by lyn on Jan 14, 2017 13:29:59 GMT -5
P.S. You were cracking me up with "beady little eyes." It reminded me of that scene in Ace Ventura where Ace pokes the guy in the eye. Maybe watch it for technique, and the laughs will do you good. Thanks Pinkberry! I love that movie! These sham marriages are just so frickin crappy that if you can't laugh and find SOME humor in it, well, then it can completely swallow you up until there's nothing left..... |
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Post by Pinkberry on Jan 14, 2017 13:31:14 GMT -5
P.S. You were cracking me up with "beady little eyes." It reminded me of that scene in Ace Ventura where Ace pokes the guy in the eye. Maybe watch it for technique, and the laughs will do you good. Thanks Pinkberry ! I love that movie! These sham marriages are just so frickin crappy that if you can't laugh and find SOME humor in it, well, then it can completely swallow you up until there's nothing left..... Absolutely! I'm glad you get my quirky humor.  |
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Post by Pinkberry on Jan 14, 2017 13:35:08 GMT -5
I love it when a plan comes together! I agree with both bg and bball. Keeping your head low until you leave is protecting yourself, not pretending everything is okay. It is no different than getting along with that annoying guy at the office because why would you create a ruckus at work. In fact, you could start using the same avoidance techniques at home. Whenever you see him coming and suspect an annoying comment will emerge from his lips, duck into the bathroom with a quick, "Female thing, gotta go." The bonus is that at home when you do that, you can stay in there and take a bubble bath! Avoidance is like arguing. Saying nothing, IS saying something. There needs to be a balance, and the right timing. Just be careful. Meh. Sorry, I can't get much indignance up over this brand of avoidance. If someone is preparing to leave, she has enough upheaval and doesn't need to add more to her life. It's not like we are talking about avoiding the Nazi conversation in pre-WWII Germany. To be less dramatic, it's also not like we are discussing marital interaction in a case where the parties hope to repair the relationship. Avoidance would not be an advisable course of action in that case. |
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Post by lyn on Jan 14, 2017 13:40:09 GMT -5
Hippocracy isn't a fair way to consider this (imo)...it IS a smart strategy and not dishonest at all. There are always lots of moving parts in addition to the SM, and good for you if you're better off biding you time. If, however, you're mentally gone and the 'moving parts' are relatively small - then it's just a delaying tactic. FWIW, since telling my W while in therapists office that I think its time to separate, so much has been easier to deal with. Taking the 'hoping and believing it may change' out of the equation is actually liberating! A main reason for waiting so long was to be there until all 3 kids finished college and have at least a foot out the door. (they all understand that their mom and I haven't been happy for years, and know what's likely to now happen. I do not get into any SM details, just saying 'we've grown apart' which is obvious to them) also - kudos to this forum and the wonderful, brave people who can share experiences - this more than anything has helped me to stop waffling and make some long overdue decisions. Yea there are a lot of moving parts (at least that's how I feel) in this disentanglement. For better or worse, I'm a very practical person and have to take these steps a certain way - and timing is a component for some of these steps. I'm mentally "out of here" already....... there is no going back at this point..... now, barring something unforeseen, should be out this summer ...... and this forum..... well for me, it has helped me immeasurably. First stumbled upon the old EP one about 3 years ago...... then found this one at EXACTLY the right time. Sounds like you've got your plan in motion too - that's awesome and I'm excited for you! lakeside4003 |
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Post by lyn on Jan 14, 2017 13:48:05 GMT -5
I love it when a plan comes together! I agree with both bg and bball. Keeping your head low until you leave is protecting yourself, not pretending everything is okay. It is no different than getting along with that annoying guy at the office because why would you create a ruckus at work. In fact, you could start using the same avoidance techniques at home. Whenever you see him coming and suspect an annoying comment will emerge from his lips, duck into the bathroom with a quick, "Female thing, gotta go." The bonus is that at home when you do that, you can stay in there and take a bubble bath! Avoidance is like arguing. Saying nothing, IS saying something. There needs to be a balance, and the right timing. Just be careful. In my deal total avoidance - meaning avoiding him until I leave wouldn't really work and would insight an angry response from the H. I get what your saying completely greatcoastal. He's not a violent person (from what I know of him) but he is large, loud and intimidating (little unstable emotionally)- he also has never been "left" for real or divorced. So, I may see some diff sides to him - I do have to be careful - and I do need to get out of this thing before there's nothing left of me to salvage. |
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Post by lyn on Jan 14, 2017 13:55:05 GMT -5
I agree with beachguy there's something to be said for keeping the peace for the greater good of day in and day out. When the time is right your plan will come together. I love it when a plan comes together! I agree with both bg and bball. Keeping your head low until you leave is protecting yourself, not pretending everything is okay. It is no different than getting along with that annoying guy at the office because why would you create a ruckus at work. In fact, you could start using the same avoidance techniques at home. Whenever you see him coming and suspect an annoying comment will emerge from his lips, duck into the bathroom with a quick, "Female thing, gotta go." The bonus is that at home when you do that, you can stay in there and take a bubble bath! I do think this approach can work at certain times def Pinkberry. When he's got something brewing in that sweaty little head of his, I could and should remove myself from the situation (bubble bath - perfect idea!). I can go off and do something without him really even knowing I'm avoiding him - That's probably how I should (and do) handle that kind of thing. There is no point, at this point, in trying to mend anything with this relationship - it's not fixable. At this point, it's all about getting along to get along...... |
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Post by DryCreek on Jan 15, 2017 22:46:57 GMT -5
Absolutely! I'm glad you get my quirky humor. Sorry, I can't pass up ladies making references to Ace Ventura! |
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Post by lyn on Jan 15, 2017 23:51:55 GMT -5
Absolutely! I'm glad you get my quirky humor. Sorry, I can't pass up ladies making references to Ace Ventura! Now THAT is Classic!!!!! Thanks DryCreek👌 |
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Post by RumRunner on Jan 16, 2017 2:59:41 GMT -5
Keeping one's sanity is hardly that of a hypocrite. I reserve that word for those who preach how Godly they are yet practice the opposite. You are only choosing to get along to make life easier, so how is that being a hypocrite? It is not. And why increase tension and anxiety for yourself if it isn't necessary? I think you are smart.
Best Wishes....
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Post by lyn on Jan 16, 2017 3:43:15 GMT -5
Keeping one's sanity is hardly that of a hypocrite. I reserve that word for those who preach how Godly they are yet practice the opposite. You are only choosing to get along to make life easier, so how is that being a hypocrite? It is not. And why increase tension and anxiety for yourself if it isn't necessary? I think you are smart. Best Wishes.... Thank you RumRunner - I truly appreciate you saying that. Best wishes to you too! |
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Post by Dan on Feb 1, 2017 15:22:14 GMT -5
Apologies for adding my comment three weeks late, but I just found this thread. lyn : I was wrestling with an almost identical dilemma last summer: heading back to therapy. Here's a summary: - I was pretty sure I wanted a divorce. - There were reasons to pull the trigger now, there were reasons to wait about three years. I was on the fence. - If I was 99% sure that either way (sooner or later) I was going to ask for a divorce, is it being unfair to her not to let her know? After all, she might be making different life choices now if she knew. Am I obligated to some sort of "full disclosure"? This was REALLY eating at me. I returned to therapy (new therapist) and went for about six sessions. It was VERY helpful. My therapist helped me conclude: - I want to wait more than I want to divorce immediately. (I've written quite a bit here how important it is for me to finish raising my kids in this house with a mother and father working together on it.) - It was NOT unfair to my wife to NOT announce something I only MIGHT do in the future -- or for that matter DEFINITELY plan to do in the distant-enough future. After all: a) there is a SLIVER of a chance I'll change my mind (or lose my nerve) b) announcing it in advance will just poison the environment, and make it pointless to stick together anyways. So my situation is not exactly how you describe yours... HOWEVER you can use this reassurance: the "don't disclose your full hand" approach is a therapist-approved approach, at least in some circumstances. Plus, if your H is likely to get to the angry/vindictive state once you tell him: all the more reason for you to have ALL your legal, financial, and personal-safety ducks in a row before you drop the news. |
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Post by baza on Feb 1, 2017 22:08:12 GMT -5
In most (not all) cases seen in here where you are dealing with a manipulator spouse (and not all are) then you need to keep a couple of important facts in mind.
1 - the manipulator is way better at manipulating than you are now or ever will be, so trying to engage them at this level is pointless. You will cop a belting every time.
2 - the manipulator is way better than you at exploiting a change in the environment. Manipulating on the run as it were.
So you are best to take a position that YOU are going to have to do all the heavy lifting (which is hard enough under the best of circumstances) and get YOUR legal advice, YOUR exit strategy, YOUR support network, YOUR method of helping the kids (if any) transition all stitched up YOURSELF.
Forget any idea of it being a collaborative effort.
It won't be.
The manipulators position - when they get wind of what's going on, will NOT be driven by what is good for you, but as ever, what is good for them (though any half decent manipulator will be spinning it as good for "us").
Don't give your manipulator spouse a heads up. Don't give them any opportunity to interfere.
Present them with a fait accompli.
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