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Post by shamwow on Jan 12, 2017 21:56:21 GMT -5
And I don't like it. Although I firmly realize my marriage is for all intents and purposes dead, it's become obvious to me that in order to deal with the H while I'm strategizing my exit, I've got to go along to get along. I want to poke his beady eyes out with my pinky finger all the while telling him what a failure he has been as a husband, but, of course I won't do that. At least not today. Years and years of dealing with sexlessness, gambling addiction, witnessing his dysfunctional - aggressive tendencies with most people (unless they want to talk college football - then you're golden), etc., etc., etc., has pretty much made me numb to his behaviour. Numb, except now and in recent months I see him for what he is. Smiling in disagreement, giggling at his iodiotic comments, nodding my head like an idiot bobble-head all while visualizing the end result. NO MORE HIM. NO MORE US. I can do this while getting my plan in place - my goal exit will be here before I know it. Getting along will make this process easier. In fact, it's the only way I think. Ugh but I hate it. My own personal pep talk. What is your take on this? I know many - Baz especially comes to mind, remind us that going along makes us complicit - I hope this situation is an exception and I'm not doing even more personal damage. "All warfare is based on deception. Hence, when we are able to attack, we must seem unable; when using our forces, we must appear inactive; when we are near, we must make the enemy believe we are far away; when far away, we must make him believe we are near." Sun Tzu - The Art of War What you are doing is using smart tactics to accomplish your strategy of getting out. To paraphrase Muhammad Ali: "Go rope that dope" |
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Post by unmatched on Jan 13, 2017 1:47:16 GMT -5
And I don't like it. Although I firmly realize my marriage is for all intents and purposes dead, it's become obvious to me that in order to deal with the H while I'm strategizing my exit, I've got to go along to get along. I want to poke his beady eyes out with my pinky finger all the while telling him what a failure he has been as a husband, but, of course I won't do that. At least not today. Years and years of dealing with sexlessness, gambling addiction, witnessing his dysfunctional - aggressive tendencies with most people (unless they want to talk college football - then you're golden), etc., etc., etc., has pretty much made me numb to his behaviour. Numb, except now and in recent months I see him for what he is. Smiling in disagreement, giggling at his iodiotic comments, nodding my head like an idiot bobble-head all while visualizing the end result. NO MORE HIM. NO MORE US. I can do this while getting my plan in place - my goal exit will be here before I know it. Getting along will make this process easier. In fact, it's the only way I think. Ugh but I hate it. My own personal pep talk. What is your take on this? I know many - Baz especially comes to mind, remind us that going along makes us complicit - I hope this situation is an exception and I'm not doing even more personal damage. My take is that going along with keeping your marriage where it is makes you complicit. Doing anything to shake it up - whether that is turning your marriage on its head or getting your plan in place and preparing for your exit - makes you a dynamic agent of change. If you are committed to the process and getting out then you are firmly in the latter camp, regardless of whether you are trying to keep things running smoothly along the way. |
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Post by thebaffledking on Jan 13, 2017 3:12:04 GMT -5
And I don't like it. Although I firmly realize my marriage is for all intents and purposes dead, it's become obvious to me that in order to deal with the H while I'm strategizing my exit, I've got to go along to get along. I want to poke his beady eyes out with my pinky finger all the while telling him what a failure he has been as a husband, but, of course I won't do that. At least not today. Years and years of dealing with sexlessness, gambling addiction, witnessing his dysfunctional - aggressive tendencies with most people (unless they want to talk college football - then you're golden), etc., etc., etc., has pretty much made me numb to his behaviour. Numb, except now and in recent months I see him for what he is. Smiling in disagreement, giggling at his iodiotic comments, nodding my head like an idiot bobble-head all while visualizing the end result. NO MORE HIM. NO MORE US. I can do this while getting my plan in place - my goal exit will be here before I know it. Getting along will make this process easier. In fact, it's the only way I think. Ugh but I hate it. My own personal pep talk. What is your take on this? I know many - Baz especially comes to mind, remind us that going along makes us complicit - I hope this situation is an exception and I'm not doing even more personal damage. lyn, I'm so glad you expressed yourself with this, because.........DITTO! I have taken solace in the answers given to you. I have felt like such a fraud, going through the motions, being civil, trying to find a topic to bring up at dinner, anything to keep things stable and 'normal'.........all the while knowing what I know. That I'm done. It's hard, but the option is acting like either a cold prick or an openly hostile prick.....neither of which is who I am......What I'm doing is who I am, and what you're doing is in line with the core lyn as well. It's just a situation that is really difficult to navigate. I don't think anyone ever just went along content and happy and then decided upon waking one morning that they were leaving the marriage. There is always a build-up to it, often over many many years, and it's getting through that phase with dignity and, dare I say, 'kindness', that makes you feel hypocritical. Two things: YOU didn't start this. And YOU have suffered. You've done what you could and you survived in the best way one can get through the days of waiting. Let yourself off the hook. You're a champ! |
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Post by baza on Jan 13, 2017 3:22:30 GMT -5
There are situations where putting on an act of timidity and acceptance whilst you get your exit together are not only smart, but IMPERATIVE.
An example would be if you were darktippedrose, callisto, or one of the other members with seriously deranged and idiot spouses.
Your life could be at stake if you gave them a heads up as to what you are planning on doing.
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Post by callisto on Jan 13, 2017 4:56:10 GMT -5
Yeah, lyn , i don't think this is hypocritical. It's just conserving your energy. You have better things ahead--just focus on that. I'm starting to think that nothing in life that is rewarding is actually easy (except for maybe getting enough sleep). Ha ha- sleep is not easy with a troubled soul. Slept 5 hours max last night. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 13, 2017 9:26:31 GMT -5
Confrontation, (the other side of the coin) has many positives. Not being manipulated, pointing out to your spouse that they are the ones who are controlling. Study DARVO. The moment it is occurring, Nip it in the bud, by spelling it out for them. Practically every word or action they use will back what you just told them. They will try to manipulate the fact that you have called them out on their manipulation, with denial and avoidance, This knocks them off their pedestal.
I used to blindly take it and allow my thoughts, opinions, actions, to be run over like a tank. After the tipping points,came the change. Prayer, counselling, studying, all made that happen.
I had these same experiences with my W. I would say to her, " there it is, your controlling again, you have avoided the entire question and tried to change it. Repeat my question, and my statement...... You can't........ I will do it for you! " (I then repeat the question, and statement) Then came silence, avoidance.
I had a choice, I chose not to avoid it. I then would say. "what I asked you, and what I say will stand. There are going to be changes coming ,you will see , and I will be making them happen."
Next comes the detachment. Be prepared for even more detachment on their part, once you have taken away their weapon of control.
The more independent, self reliant, confident, un-affected, (even though you are dying inside), not my problem, not my concern, you can be, the easier the painful process will be.
None of this detracts from your FEMININITY!!
Even givers set and maintain boundaries. Give to a giver, someone who gives back, not a taker who just takes.
Confrontation,setting boundaries, re-enforcing those boundaries, standing your ground, and gaining ground, are all ACTIONS that will give you HOPE.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 13, 2017 10:06:09 GMT -5
Like you, I now notice so many things, that I was blind to before, trained to believe, I must accept my spouse's ways,and we are "working together." That was considered compromising. Pretty one sided wasn't it?
Now that I know things are coming to an end, I witness it, notice the mistakes, and I tell myself, "things will be treated much different at your house, under your rules."
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Post by lyn on Jan 13, 2017 15:29:53 GMT -5
And I don't like it. Although I firmly realize my marriage is for all intents and purposes dead, it's become obvious to me that in order to deal with the H while I'm strategizing my exit, I've got to go along to get along. I want to poke his beady eyes out with my pinky finger all the while telling him what a failure he has been as a husband, but, of course I won't do that. At least not today. Years and years of dealing with sexlessness, gambling addiction, witnessing his dysfunctional - aggressive tendencies with most people (unless they want to talk college football - then you're golden), etc., etc., etc., has pretty much made me numb to his behaviour. Numb, except now and in recent months I see him for what he is. Smiling in disagreement, giggling at his iodiotic comments, nodding my head like an idiot bobble-head all while visualizing the end result. NO MORE HIM. NO MORE US. I can do this while getting my plan in place - my goal exit will be here before I know it. Getting along will make this process easier. In fact, it's the only way I think. Ugh but I hate it. My own personal pep talk. What is your take on this? I know many - Baz especially comes to mind, remind us that going along makes us complicit - I hope this situation is an exception and I'm not doing even more personal damage. "All warfare is based on deception. Hence, when we are able to attack, we must seem unable; when using our forces, we must appear inactive; when we are near, we must make the enemy believe we are far away; when far away, we must make him believe we are near." Sun Tzu - The Art of War What you are doing is using smart tactics to accomplish your strategy of getting out. To paraphrase Muhammad Ali: "Go rope that dope" Yea.... I like this- think I read it in college and might need to get some more tips for this thing! Thanks shamwow |
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Post by lyn on Jan 13, 2017 15:36:33 GMT -5
And I don't like it. Although I firmly realize my marriage is for all intents and purposes dead, it's become obvious to me that in order to deal with the H while I'm strategizing my exit, I've got to go along to get along. I want to poke his beady eyes out with my pinky finger all the while telling him what a failure he has been as a husband, but, of course I won't do that. At least not today. Years and years of dealing with sexlessness, gambling addiction, witnessing his dysfunctional - aggressive tendencies with most people (unless they want to talk college football - then you're golden), etc., etc., etc., has pretty much made me numb to his behaviour. Numb, except now and in recent months I see him for what he is. Smiling in disagreement, giggling at his iodiotic comments, nodding my head like an idiot bobble-head all while visualizing the end result. NO MORE HIM. NO MORE US. I can do this while getting my plan in place - my goal exit will be here before I know it. Getting along will make this process easier. In fact, it's the only way I think. Ugh but I hate it. My own personal pep talk. What is your take on this? I know many - Baz especially comes to mind, remind us that going along makes us complicit - I hope this situation is an exception and I'm not doing even more personal damage. lyn, I'm so glad you expressed yourself with this, because.........DITTO! I have taken solace in the answers given to you. I have felt like such a fraud, going through the motions, being civil, trying to find a topic to bring up at dinner, anything to keep things stable and 'normal'.........all the while knowing what I know. That I'm done. It's hard, but the option is acting like either a cold prick or an openly hostile prick.....neither of which is who I am......What I'm doing is who I am, and what you're doing is in line with the core lyn as well. It's just a situation that is really difficult to navigate. I don't think anyone ever just went along content and happy and then decided upon waking one morning that they were leaving the marriage. There is always a build-up to it, often over many many years, and it's getting through that phase with dignity and, dare I say, 'kindness', that makes you feel hypocritical. Two things: YOU didn't start this. And YOU have suffered. You've done what you could and you survived in the best way one can get through the days of waiting. Let yourself off the hook. You're a champ! Thanks thebaffledking - I think you're a champ too - most def! I'm glad that this post and responses have resonated with you and are giving you solace - this is the magical aspect of this forum. This subject is so personal and hard to talk about that it sure feels amazing to be HEARD finally. |
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Post by lyn on Jan 13, 2017 15:54:14 GMT -5
You know greatcoastal I DID read up on DARVO a few months back when I first heard about it (I'll bet from one of your posts!). In fact, last month, before the kids came home for the holidays, I called my H out on something crappy that he did - right now I can't remember what it was, but, the difference in my response to his "DARVO'ing" was clear and awesome. It was textbook and I could nearly predict what he would say next. I shut it all down by pointing out what he was doing/saying - exaggerating - playing a victim - using always/never with regard to something he said I do/say (no recollection of that either! But I remember it was made up). Then, like clockwork, came the waterworks. I felt a little cold in that in no way shape or form did I feel sorry for him even though he had been reduced to tears. Never once did I raise my voice - I didn't get snarky - just pointed out the facts - what he was doing. This DARVO stuff should be in the ILIASM handbook as mandatory study - I bet 90% of our Refusers fit the criteria. At this point, what he says/does really has no affect on me - well, not much. I don't want this thing to drag out any longer than it needs to so my resolve is set, and I'm just doing what I need to do. He's in a great mood what with his little miss sunshine wifey........ Again I appreciate your insight so much! |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jan 13, 2017 16:25:18 GMT -5
I don't think this is hypocrisy. I did the same thing for a few months.
When I started seeing a therapist to help myself, my H would try to bring up the subject with a comment or two that I could talk to him about anything I wanted to. Or - if there IS something I would like to talk over with him that I covered with my therapist, he "is there" for me. I thought: REALLY?
I played it like a spy game until I was ready to show my cards. Keep up a poker face.
You've got this.
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Post by lyn on Jan 13, 2017 18:01:51 GMT -5
Thanks @geekgoddess from the input I've gotten from you guys, it's nice to know, unequivocally, that I'm not just turning into a manipulative psycho - it does seem to be working so far anyway. I'm glad to know that this has worked for you and some others here as well. Like I said, being pleasant is pretty easy - I'm finding that playing this role, enjoying the fact that H is actually very easily manipulated (in this sense at least) leaves me with some sense of satisfaction. Not actually PROUD of this feeling, but, it is what it is.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 13, 2017 20:24:12 GMT -5
You know greatcoastal I DID read up on DARVO a few months back when I first heard about it (I'll bet from one of your posts!). In fact, last month, before the kids came home for the holidays, I called my H out on something crappy that he did - right now I can't remember what it was, but, the difference in my response to his "DARVO'ing" was clear and awesome. It was textbook and I could nearly predict what he would say next. I shut it all down by pointing out what he was doing/saying - exaggerating - playing a victim - using always/never with regard to something he said I do/say (no recollection of that either! But I remember it was made up). Then, like clockwork, came the waterworks. I felt a little cold in that in no way shape or form did I feel sorry for him even though he had been reduced to tears. Never once did I raise my voice - I didn't get snarky - just pointed out the facts - what he was doing. This DARVO stuff should be in the ILIASM handbook as mandatory study - I bet 90% of our Refusers fit the criteria. At this point, what he says/does really has no affect on me - well, not much. I don't want this thing to drag out any longer than it needs to so my resolve is set, and I'm just doing what I need to do. He's in a great mood what with his little miss sunshine wifey........ Again I appreciate your insight so much! An innocent person will deny a false accusation. We all commit DARVO at some point. So there are times when it is justifiable. Words like "always or never" should hardly be used. What is helpful when dealing with a narc, or a manipulative controller, is to call them out on it. You just said, "always". Always? give me two examples? Okay, one example? You can't! That means what you just said is not true, it's a lie. There goes my trust, and your credability. Why should I believe anything you say? WORDS MEAN THINGS. These conversations made my W. avoid me even more, close herself up, and turn to more manipulative ways. Your H sounds like he is using the sympathy, pity routine. Very happy for you that you see it for what it is. Take it like water off a ducks back, for as long as you can. I speak for myself here, (you too, hopefully) I don't want to remain that way, that's not who I am. I HOPE to find someone who I can openly share my problems, emotions, grievances with in a fair caring diolouge. Even if it means someone who rewords it for me, but we both agree on it. |
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Post by Pinkberry on Jan 13, 2017 22:19:14 GMT -5
I agree with beachguy there's something to be said for keeping the peace for the greater good of day in and day out. When the time is right your plan will come together. I love it when a plan comes together! I agree with both bg and bball. Keeping your head low until you leave is protecting yourself, not pretending everything is okay. It is no different than getting along with that annoying guy at the office because why would you create a ruckus at work. In fact, you could start using the same avoidance techniques at home. Whenever you see him coming and suspect an annoying comment will emerge from his lips, duck into the bathroom with a quick, "Female thing, gotta go." The bonus is that at home when you do that, you can stay in there and take a bubble bath! |
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Post by Pinkberry on Jan 13, 2017 22:20:43 GMT -5
P.S. You were cracking me up with "beady little eyes." It reminded me of that scene in Ace Ventura where Ace pokes the guy in the eye. Maybe watch it for technique, and the laughs will do you good.
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