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Post by rejected101 on Jan 11, 2017 2:31:27 GMT -5
So I thought I would just put the feelers out on what people, male and female feel is the perfect amount of sex vs what they would be willing to compromise at and yet still be happy vs what they actually get.
This is hypothetical and assumes the for the first 2 you have a partner who is engaging willingly with passion and enthusiasm.
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Post by baza on Jan 11, 2017 3:08:50 GMT -5
I'd suggest that if you have - "a partner who is engaging willingly with passion and enthusiasm" - then you ain't a member of this group.
However, this is a hypothesis you are floating, so I'll have a crack - in 2 scenario's
#1 is at it was in my ILIASM deal.
In that scenario, I think on reflection we were having sex with each other at a rate that was appropriate for our relationship as it was. Not much and not often. Gaps of years involved. A pretty accurate reflection of what the general health of our deal was like. Over the full 3 decades I'd say the average may have struggled to reach 3 a year.
#2 is at it is in my deal with Ms enna.
In that scenario we are currently in a drought, what with Xmas visitors, a lively 4 yo granddaughter staying with us and a very busy social calender we haven't had a root for about 10 days.
However, in this deal, I believe we are having sex at levels appropriate to the general health of our relationship (which is now 7 years +). That rate, would be about twice a week I reckon (less spots like the moment where there is a short situational drought).
Bear in mind that we are old fogeys. But none the less, we actually had more roots in year 1 together than I racked up in 3 decades in my old deal.
Generally in a marriage, I reckon that the level of sex you have is pretty much reflective of the status of your marriage in the wider sense.
If you are in a shithole, there ain't going to be much, if any, sex.
If you are in a functional healthy deal, you'll be rooting at levels very satisfactory to you.
Essentially, you are get the appropriate amount of sex that your marital dynamic is capable of delivering.
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Post by Pinkberry on Jan 11, 2017 5:32:43 GMT -5
I agree with baza. There are other factors, even in a healthy relationship.
My new love and I have periods where we are having sex multiple times per day every day for several days in a row and other periods where we go a couple of weeks without and then we get rested up one night, look at each other, and wonder what the hell we'd been doing instead of having sex for the last two weeks. On average, we have sex 2-3x/week. I'd like to see it a little higher, but the frequency isn't lower than I'd like because I'm being refused, so it's much easier for me to deal. When I want more, I initiate more and get it. It's an entirely different situation than the SM was.
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Post by DryCreek on Jan 11, 2017 9:12:11 GMT -5
It's subjective, of course. Everyone's number is different (which is kinda the crux of our whole issue.) For me, it's a range. I think.
From my position of ignorance, 1x/week seems like it could be enough if it was genuine and we connected well otherwise. 3x/week would be more ideal (i.e., every 2-3 days); 2x/week might be more realistic. But this is all speculation.
I could imagine averaging daily if things were really good, skipping some days and doubling others. More speculation. Would daily frequency diminish the value? I dunno. I suppose like hugs and kisses, daily sex could be sincere or routine, depending on the partner.
I can say that duty sex, even 2x/week, wouldn't do it. It's not just about the frequency.
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 11, 2017 9:23:09 GMT -5
Ideal for me would be twice a week during the work week then on the weekends depending on what is planned anything from a quickie to spending half the day in bed making love.
My philosophy in everything I do has always been quality over quantity - talking, laughing, kissing, orgasms, staring into each other's eyes, etc. are all necessary components to having the quality and with all of that who the hell wouldn't want the quantity?! (That was a rhetorical question)
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 11, 2017 9:46:13 GMT -5
It's subjective, of course. Everyone's number is different (which is kinda the crux of our whole issue.) For me, it's a range. I think. From my position of ignorance, 1x/week seems like it could be enough if it was genuine and we connected well otherwise. 3x/week would be more ideal (i.e., every 2-3 days); 2x/week might be more realistic. But this is all speculation. I could imagine averaging daily if things were really good, skipping some days and doubling others. More speculation. Would daily frequency diminish the value? I dunno. I suppose like hugs and kisses, daily sex could be sincere or routine, depending on the partner. I can say that duty sex, even 2x/week, wouldn't do it. It's not just about the frequency. For those of us who are LIASM, it certainly is ignorance, and speculation, with hope. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 11, 2017 9:53:18 GMT -5
I'd suggest that if you have - "a partner who is engaging willingly with passion and enthusiasm" - then you ain't a member of this group. . What Baza said. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jan 11, 2017 10:04:09 GMT -5
I'd love to have a partner with enough going on in their lives that we both would engage in intense love-making and sheer animal sex as our schedules allow - that being weekly sometimes but more often, multiple times a week. I'd love a partner that would have a few yearly events that rise to Marvin Gaye levels and a few kink experiments (maybe quarterly) and who doesn't want to go too long between so fit some quickies in as needed.
But - I'd love a partner with a great mind and good humor and high level of optimism. I'd love a partner with a good work ethic and who connects with others out in the world so we may be too busy with activities to constantly have all the naked playtime we would want. I'd love a partner who knows how to vacation well and would take me to a beach and take me on a beach and.....
Well - since we're speculating - take me to a Caribbean beach town and ravish me to a Reggae tune.
For now - I'd like to go out on some dates without it interfering with my sobriety and get some good making out with a handsome fella. Even that (little) is not on my current schedule. I better get started one way or another - the clock ticks.
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Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 11, 2017 10:17:09 GMT -5
I recall an article in the NYTimes a year or 2 ago, where couples were challenged to have sex every day for a month straight, to understand the impact and simplicity or difficulty of such a test. (sounds like fun, no?)
The general consensus of the 'guinea pigs' was that the first week or so was fun and enthusiastic, but as the month wore on - it became a struggle to find motivation and make the time. The sex became 'duty sex' and lost lots of the luster quickly. Some couples simply couldn't keep it going for the entire month. all couples were 'happily married with a positive sex life'.
I'm sure the main takeaway here is that it's much more about connecting and being 'in the mood', than just the physical desire or release, but you also have to make the time for it and somewhat plan on it. Spontaneity is a beautiful thing, but planned 'date-nights' and setting expectations also go a long way...
BTW, My W always accuses me of wanting sex every day - and I assure her I couldn't keep up!! I tell her nirvana would be 2-3X/wk and 1-2X/wk would exceed expectations with her. Unfortunately, we still fit the clinical definition of a SM.
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Post by LITW on Jan 11, 2017 10:59:24 GMT -5
To have a "partner who is engaging willingly with passion and enthusiasm." would be my nirvana no matter what the frequency was. In my ideal world, yes, I would have sex every day, but I know this world is anything by ideal. If my partner were enthusiastic, then for the days we missed, we would plan catch-up-sex and make love multiple times on days when time allows. But even if that were not possible due to extenuating circumstances, if I truly had a partner who is engaging willingly with passion and enthusiasm, I would not care if the average did not work out to be once a day.
For me, its not the frequency that matters, its the enthusiasm. If you and your partner are enthusiastic about sharing each other's bodies, then the frequency will take care of itself.
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Post by shamwow on Jan 11, 2017 11:26:01 GMT -5
I'd suggest that if you have - "a partner who is engaging willingly with passion and enthusiasm" - then you ain't a member of this group. . What Baza said. I dunno. Maybe he is just a bit ahead of the curve. Give him 5 years and he may be in the same shithole as the rest of us. Although comparing his situation to mine at the moment, he sounds like he's getting it like a porn star. Wow, that was a damn jaded comment  |
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Post by rejected101 on Jan 11, 2017 12:41:54 GMT -5
I dunno. Maybe he is just a bit ahead of the curve. Give him 5 years and he may be in the same shithole as the rest of us. Although comparing his situation to mine at the moment, he sounds like he's getting it like a porn star. Wow, that was a damn jaded comment I've seen than I'm better off then some on this site, but my predicament started many years ago and seems to have gradually gotten worse. With the exception of last year where things picked up a little I would say once every 6-7 weeks was our sex life. To me that isn't a sex life. You're possibly right. Some of my frustration may be down to how it was and where it will more than likely go with age becoming a factor. Ahead of the curve... maybe. But definitely no porn star here :-( |
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Post by novembercomingfire on Jan 11, 2017 13:45:03 GMT -5
Ideal for me would be twice a week during the work week then on the weekends depending on what is planned anything from a quickie to spending half the day in bed making love. My philosophy in everything I do has always been quality over quantity - talking, laughing, kissing, orgasms, staring into each other's eyes, etc. are all necessary components to having the quality and with all of that who the hell wouldn't want the quantity?! (That was a rhetorical question) Unfortunately, we all know at least one person who wouldn't want the quantity. Rhetorical question, i know, but I am still struggling with the idea that I know someone who doesn't want the quality either ... |
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 11, 2017 13:47:24 GMT -5
Ideal for me would be twice a week during the work week then on the weekends depending on what is planned anything from a quickie to spending half the day in bed making love. My philosophy in everything I do has always been quality over quantity - talking, laughing, kissing, orgasms, staring into each other's eyes, etc. are all necessary components to having the quality and with all of that who the hell wouldn't want the quantity?! (That was a rhetorical question) Unfortunately, we all know at least one person who wouldn't want the quantity. Rhetorical question, i know, but I am still struggling with the idea that I know someone who doesn't want the quality either ... And that has nothing to do with us personally but maybe as a couple together, the incompatibility of the relationship sexually as well as other areas sometimes. |
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Post by csl on Jan 11, 2017 15:22:43 GMT -5
Please forgive a parochial chuckle on my part, but I know of several Christian ministries that do "challenges". I've seen several "Seven-day challenges" and I think it is Brad and Kate Olsen of One Flesh Marriage who issues an annual 10-Day challenge. Of course, they're all mere pikers to the Mullers: 365 Nights. |
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