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Post by nancyb on Jan 6, 2017 19:36:54 GMT -5
When I think back to the earliest days of my relationship I can recall lots of good sex but even in those days my partner complained about my 'insatiable' sexual appetite; said I got all 'goofy' when I was aroused; and told me I made funny faces when I had an orgasm.
I know that these things seem small but the seed for his eventual avoidance behaviours and then out and out refusal for 14 years were there to seen in the 20/20 gaze of my hindsight.
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Post by baza on Jan 6, 2017 19:54:45 GMT -5
I have a theory.
It is based on what I perceived to be in my missus' head back in the day, and as you can never know what is actually in someone else's head, the theory is probably worth jack shit.
Anyway.
I believe my missus feared spinning out of control, generally and sexually.
Rooting is about the most intimate and exciting thing going around in my opinion. Especially when you can let go totally and let the wild physical and emotional ride go wherever it goes as you abandon your inhibitions and surrender to the moment. In other words let the experience take control and savour it, revel in it, embrace it.
Our rooting early days was like this ^^^^^
But, spinning out of control became something she was NOT comfortable with.
And so, she would surrender less and less to "the moment", keen to keep control.
That became more and more an avoidance of sex, because to engage in it involved a big risk of losing control.
And, as that avoidance became entrenched, the sex (from my perspective) became "just sex" and not terribly engaging or affirming. And I started losing interest myself.
The death spiral was underway, but it took a loooong time to hit the deck finally.
That's my theory.
Feel free to kick the shit out of it.
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Post by jim44444 on Jan 6, 2017 20:04:12 GMT -5
Unbelievable, those sound like sexy traits to me. I agree with you, his early derisive attitude was a precursor of his damaged soul.
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Post by jim44444 on Jan 6, 2017 20:19:25 GMT -5
. . . I believe my missus feared spinning out of control, generally and sexually. . . . But, spinning out of control became something she was NOT comfortable with. Interesting observation baza. My wife also has remarked about "losing control" several times after some spectacular root (that is a great euphemism). I never considered it as an expression of fear on her part but it does make sense in hindsight. |
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Post by DryCreek on Jan 6, 2017 22:21:40 GMT -5
nancyb, no, not really. Well... there was this huge neon sign that said "Hates intimacy!" I was so stupid / naïve that I though it was a feature, not a danger sign. I walked right into it with my eyes open. 
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Post by nancyb on Jan 6, 2017 22:36:34 GMT -5
"Rooting is about the most intimate and exciting thing going around in my opinion. Especially when you can let go totally and let the wild physical and emotional ride go wherever it goes as you abandon your inhibitions and surrender to the moment. In other words let the experience take control and savour it, revel in it, embrace it." baza: I am speechless to your eloquence my friend. YES I have had wonderful, intimate, soul searing sexual experiences and I have never feared losing control. Losing control of what? My ego boundaries...yes please.  |
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Post by tamara68 on Jan 7, 2017 10:28:49 GMT -5
baza "Rooting is about the most intimate and exciting thing going around in my opinion. Especially when you can let go totally and let the wild physical and emotional ride go wherever it goes as you abandon your inhibitions and surrender to the moment. In other words let the experience take control and savour it, revel in it, embrace it." That is exactly what I have discovered and embraced when I started outsourcing. With my stbx it has never been that way. He definitely didn't like losing control. Sex was something that was contained and limited. The sheets were not supposed to become untidy and it was important to not make a mess. Being spontaneous is the most horrible trait according to stbx. I thought it had to be possible to have passionate sex. His inhibitions made me inhibited too. Or at least made it more difficult for me to abandon my inhibitions. I am glad that I did get to experience that. It opened my eyes. Sex is not just something to get rid of a primitive itch. The intimacy of surrendering to the moment is very precious to me and makes me embrace life.
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Post by DryCreek on Jan 7, 2017 12:42:50 GMT -5
The intimacy of surrendering to the moment is very precious to me and makes me embrace life. Passion has a way of making you feel like you're living life to its fullest. "Embrace life" is a good way to put it. |
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Post by JMX on Jan 7, 2017 18:33:09 GMT -5
We did it all the time in the beginning, but it was vanilla (looking back). He didn't like PERFORMING oral, although he enjoyed getting it - I WILL NOT do that for him anymore. I hated that he didn't like it because an ex loved it so much I *almost* had to beat him off of me every night.
So, I didn't mind back then, because we were rabbits (3x a day) and well... he was rather "endowed".
I also think it has to do with control, but I care less and less every day. I was early to therapy the other day and the counselor was like (in a nut shell) - yeah, so you still want to do this? He seemed like he couldn't believe I was still trying. I just kind of shrugged. Whatever.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jan 7, 2017 18:47:52 GMT -5
No clues that it would become sexless. But plenty of clues that he was emotionally unavailable. I was naive. I was too trusting. I saw the best in him and "knew" it would prevail. I didn't feel worthy of better treatment. I didn't understand alcoholism. I walked right into this mess. Now it's up to me to me to get out of it.
"Never be defined by your past. It was only a lesson, not a life sentence."
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Post by Apocrypha on Jan 19, 2017 15:09:16 GMT -5
On the wedding night, a sexual act that she had initiated many times with great enjoyment was treated as if it was profane, and the "tone" of her participation appeared distracted to absent.
On the honeymoon in a foreign land, she pitched an idea for us to chuck it all and for her to become a divemaster in a scuba resort, or a busking musician. She floated the idea of "would it be ok if I lived in India for maybe 4-6 months at a time?" and rationalized to me that a marriage could be whatever we wanted it to be. When we talked about kids, she confessed the biggest fear she had about them was that she didn't think she was up to raising them alone - it took so much work. It completely escaped her thinking that she wouldn't be alone.
I realize the honeymoon stuff isn't necessarily sexual, but it certainly highlights the difference in assumed trajectories. I remember my "come to Jesus" moment in which I chose to enlist in that relationship all the way. The wedding was a formality. For her, it's evident that marriage really conflicted with her desire to be single, or at least not married to me - which increasingly was enacted through her decreasing level of sexual expression (with me) across 13 years.
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pinkskies
Junior Member
Posts: 38 
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by pinkskies on Jan 19, 2017 19:52:27 GMT -5
I could kick myself. Hindsight is certainly 20/20. When we dated, we argued about the frequency of sex within the first 3 months of our relationship. I wanted more and he thought our once a week or every other week romps were good enough and even seemed to suggest that I had a problem... red flag. When I moved to another state and hadn't seen him for 6 months, we didn't have sex even when we finally saw each other...red flag. When we got engages, I noticed that sex was not improving eventhough he said he wanted it to....red flag. The signs were all there. Now all these years later I'm finally doing something to change my situation.
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Post by beachguy on Jan 20, 2017 0:05:50 GMT -5
This goes back to the very beginning when we started dating... 1. She was always one and done * 2. Never morning sex, ever 3. She had a script, and rarely wanted to deviate 4. Never outside the bedroom 5. Never wanted to cuddle afterward (at least not after a couple months of dating I think, never during the marriage 6. Never wanted to spoon asleep (this would send me running now-huge flag) 7. Always refused to sleep naked - even in the beginning 8. As soon as she moved in, she resisted more. Then the engagement, slowed again. All prep for sexlessness day after wedding 9. Never once gave me a BJ to completion. Or a hand job. ** 10. At every stage before the marriage, she gave me just enough sex to keep me in the game. See also #8 * This is one for the ladies to comment on. I always gave her oral, and she liked it, and she always came. But never ever, not once, let me give her a 2nd oral O. She said she was "too sensitive". But she would immediately want me to fuck her, when she would try to get another O. I never understood why she was too sensitive for a 2nd oral O but was up for immediate penetration. ** - this I now understand was fundamental to her extreme selfishness. If she wasn't in a position for PIV, she would never consider getting me off in any way. I guess because there was nothing in it for her. The problem I see, as I did my post mortem... were there these red flags? Sure. But now imagine the scene when I'm breaking up and I have to give her a reason. "Well, you're a one and done and I can't live with that". OR... "I'm breaking up because you never seem interested in morning sex". See #10: she knew how to play me, and give me just enough sex to keep me in the game, and no more. If I invented a time machine, I think I would go back to the day before the wedding and just shoot my past self and put myself out of my misery . As an added bonus I would test that time travel paradox thing |
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Post by Carol on Jan 22, 2017 2:39:39 GMT -5
I have to disagree with you on this one beachguy. In my case too, once I came by oral, that thing was VERY sensitive!! It was difficult for me to orgasam a second time from oral. I was completely turned on and after PIV sex felt amazing. The orgasam I has from PIV was definitely less intense but still great.
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 22, 2017 8:46:03 GMT -5
beachguy I guess every woman is different BUT my outlook is once a man is down there and I've had one orgasm why wouldn't I want another because orgasms feel great. So the type of man that I'm compatible with on oral knows how to breathe through his ears, just kidding. I never tell a man to stop when he's down there though he will have to decide that on his own. As far as your wife maybe it was like this - I like fried pickles but it's not my favorite so when they are ordered I might eat one but that's it.
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