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Post by shamwow on Jan 5, 2017 18:12:03 GMT -5
The thing like about this site is the variety of situations, perspectives, experiences, and approaches. I can look at all the suggestions, weigh them against my situation and personality and craft something custom that works.
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Post by DryCreek on Jan 5, 2017 20:44:06 GMT -5
The thing like about this site is the variety of situations, perspectives, experiences, and approaches. I can look at all the suggestions, weigh them against my situation and personality and craft something custom that works. This. In the end, it is your show, your timeline, your life. You know the players and the dynamics far better than can be discussed here. We are merely armchair critics to your performance. As much as refusers deserve to be publicly tarred for their behavior as a bad example, there is the practical need for a long term relationship. Although biting your tongue and giving her a graceful exit is akin to endorsing her behavior, I agree with Elle's comment about the universe feeding you back what you put out. I've seen more than one divorce keep the vitriol alive across more than a decade of forced contact. |
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Post by shamwow on Jan 5, 2017 22:29:49 GMT -5
I understand all the points that have been made against giving a wife this letter, but I am trying to understand why the scenario is improved by replacing the letter with divorce papers and saying "Call my lawyer." For starters, mediation is miles cheaper than lawyers. Also, there's something aggressive about serving papers. I refuse to do it, unless I am backed into a corner. And I may well be, if refuser doesn't let me go when he's said he would after the 2 years is up. However, he's been warned. The olive branch has been extended. I've given way more chances than I ever should have. If he chooses to fight me the next time I say "it's over, let's mediate our way out of this marriage," he will be very unpleasantly surprised at the claws I am prepared to show. I'd just prefer not to go that route. I sense that shamwow is also looking to end this as amicably as possible as well. I say kudos to that. Whether I like it or not, the moment I had children with my wife, she was going to be part of it as long as both our children lived (I'm not the kind of man who runs out on his kids). My next conversation is not to go to counseling, but have a dead serious discussion of how we unwind our marriage. If we can avoid going to war in the process, I'm all for it since we will have to continue to have a relationship in some form or another. I'd prefer it be on friendly terms. If that means some compromise, so be it. If it means it takes a little longer, that's OK too. I expect it will be a mixture of carrot and stick. Going nuclear as step 1 doesn't line up with my end game nor is it my personality. How this plays out in the end really depends on her reaction, but I will have all of the pieces in place to move quickly if she wants to fight. She won't know what the hell hit her. Basically, I'm working for peace, but preparing for war, as the old saying goes. Keep the advice coming on how to do both. |
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Post by DryCreek on Jan 6, 2017 0:12:23 GMT -5
My next conversation is not to go to counseling, but have a dead serious discussion of how we unwind our marriage. If we can avoid going to war in the process, I'm all for it since we will have to continue to have a relationship in some form or another. I'd prefer it be on friendly terms. If that means some compromise, so be it. If it means it takes a little longer, that's OK too. Actually, you might strongly consider joint counseling being your first stop, but with an uncommon twist. Instead of going with a "save us" plea, go in with "this is a done deal; help us to unwind with grace and kindness". If you two aren't averse to outside help, a counselor will likely have more experience in the process and can certainly guide you through the expected emotional reactions. It sounds odd, I'm sure, but you won't truly be free of each other for another 10 years (and then still connected), so making the process amicable will be valuable. |
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Post by shamwow on Jan 6, 2017 6:51:44 GMT -5
My next conversation is not to go to counseling, but have a dead serious discussion of how we unwind our marriage. If we can avoid going to war in the process, I'm all for it since we will have to continue to have a relationship in some form or another. I'd prefer it be on friendly terms. If that means some compromise, so be it. If it means it takes a little longer, that's OK too. Actually, you might strongly consider joint counseling being your first stop, but with an uncommon twist. Instead of going with a "save us" plea, go in with "this is a done deal; help us to unwind with grace and kindness". If you two aren't averse to outside help, a counselor will likely have more experience in the process and can certainly guide you through the expected emotional reactions. It sounds odd, I'm sure, but you won't truly be free of each other for another 10 years (and then still connected), so making the process amicable will be valuable. That thought had actually occurred to me. So much of how it actually plays out depends upon how she wants to handle it, but talking it out is going to be essential if I want this to end amicably. Also, as elle said, it is one hell of a lot cheaper than letting lawyers hash it out. In some ways, it would be much easier if I just wanted to get the fuck out regardless of the consequences. Get a lawyer, draw up papers, and get the constable to run them over to the house. But one of "Sham's Laws" is "Never burn a bridge you're standing on." And, yeah buddy, I'm standing on this one right now. That being said, if counseling starts to turn to reconciliation, I'm going to cut it off there. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 6, 2017 10:08:13 GMT -5
Actually, you might strongly consider joint counseling being your first stop, but with an uncommon twist. Instead of going with a "save us" plea, go in with "this is a done deal; help us to unwind with grace and kindness". If you two aren't averse to outside help, a counselor will likely have more experience in the process and can certainly guide you through the expected emotional reactions. It sounds odd, I'm sure, but you won't truly be free of each other for another 10 years (and then still connected), so making the process amicable will be valuable. That thought had actually occurred to me. So much of how it actually plays out depends upon how she wants to handle it, but talking it out is going to be essential if I want this to end amicably. Also, as elle said, it is one hell of a lot cheaper than letting lawyers hash it out. In some ways, it would be much easier if I just wanted to get the fuck out regardless of the consequences. Get a lawyer, draw up papers, and get the constable to run them over to the house. But one of "Sham's Laws" is "Never burn a bridge you're standing on." And, yeah buddy, I'm standing on this one right now. That being said, if counseling starts to turn to reconciliation, I'm going to cut it off there. Amen. Imagine the world if everyone followed that law. |
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Post by seabr33z3 on Jan 15, 2017 18:59:08 GMT -5
I get it. Yep. Sadly, l get it.
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Post by shamwow on Jan 15, 2017 19:01:59 GMT -5
I get it. Yep. Sadly, l get it. To be honest, the main feeling I have about my marriage at this point is "sad for what should have been" |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 15, 2017 19:09:31 GMT -5
I get it. Yep. Sadly, l get it. To be honest, the main feeling I have about my marriage at this point is "sad for what should have been" What I have seen here, and my own personal testimony, that feeling comes when you post your divorce announcement. Others congratulate you, are happy for you, and rightfully so, but you are "sad for what should have been." |
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Post by seabr33z3 on Jan 16, 2017 20:06:07 GMT -5
I get it. Yep. Sadly, l get it. To be honest, the main feeling I have about my marriage at this point is "sad for what should have been" Yes.It's actually a state of mourning for what has been lost. Even now, nothing that she can do can ever make up for that. |
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Post by pringle on Feb 25, 2017 22:29:01 GMT -5
where's the letter? can't see it
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Post by shamwow on Feb 25, 2017 23:04:47 GMT -5
where's the letter? can't see it That draft of the letter was more of a "list of grievences" that I have subsequently removed. If you are interested, feel free to PM me. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Mar 1, 2017 11:43:31 GMT -5
where's the letter? can't see it That draft of the letter was more of a "list of grievences" that I have subsequently removed. If you are interested, feel free to PM me. Full respect and appreciation for you sharing this important event with the group. I certainly benefited a lot from it. By reflecting of off our different experiences I am getting a more refined and honest view of my own situation. This Forum is AMAZING. My knowledge and understanding of Dysfunctional Marriage has just gone up exponentially. Unlike many of you here, I tend to be a little less innocent but still at least I can start to be HONEST with myself and situation from threads like this one. Respect! |
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