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Post by ggold on Jan 4, 2017 21:26:58 GMT -5
shamwow Well written and heartfelt. How does it feel now that you've written it out? I wrote a letter to my husband a few days ago. I have yet to give it to him, but just writing it was therapeutic. (I've written him several letters throughout our 23 year marriage. I gave him some, and others I did not.) I am sorry for what you are going through. :-(
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 4, 2017 21:30:16 GMT -5
Wow!! That brought tears to my eyes. So heartfelt.
I wrote a letter before I announced the divorce. I never gave it to him but it was a great way to collect my thoughts. Probably therapeutic too.
I hope you find your peace and happiness.
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Post by shamwow on Jan 4, 2017 21:34:41 GMT -5
shamwow Well written and heartfelt. How does it feel now that you've written it out? I wrote a letter to my husband a few days ago. I have yet to give it to him, but just writing it was therapeutic. (I've written him several letters throughout our 23 year marriage. I gave him some, and others I did not.) I am sorry for what you are going through. :-( It felt fucking great to get all that out. Over the past few months, I've been struggling through various pieces of my story. You would think I would have it on the tip of my tongue given how much it dominates my life, but without an avenue to tell it, I've never had the opportunity to articulate it. There have been some recent posts asking how people can let things get so bad. The key is that it didn't go from 0 to shithole in 5 minutes. When it happens over years with a person you love, you don't see it coming until the freight train hits you broadside. I'm going to refine this for the next couple days (this was my first draft) and give this to my wife. This isn't a "one more chance" letter. It's a "this shit is done and we need to talk about how to proceed" letter. |
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Post by novembercomingfire on Jan 4, 2017 21:37:39 GMT -5
shamwow Well written and heartfelt. How does it feel now that you've written it out? I wrote a letter to my husband a few days ago. I have yet to give it to him, but just writing it was therapeutic. (I've written him several letters throughout our 23 year marriage. I gave him some, and others I did not.) I am sorry for what you are going through. :-( It felt fucking great to get all that out. Over the past few months, I've been struggling through various pieces of my story. You would think I would have it on the tip of my tongue given how much it dominates my life, but without an avenue to tell it, I've never had the opportunity to articulate it. There have been some recent posts asking how people can let things get so bad. The key is that it didn't go from 0 to shithole in 5 minutes. When it happens over years with a person you love, you don't see it coming until the freight train hits you broadside. I'm going to refine this for the next couple days (this was my first draft) and give this to my wife. This isn't a "one more chance" letter. It's a "this shit is done and we need to talk about how to proceed" letter. Well done. I wish you the best. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 4, 2017 21:47:59 GMT -5
Very well written, my friend. Sounds like you have learned some valuable life lessons from your short time on here!
Congratulations on one of the hardest steps of all. You are prepared for all kinds of upcoming manipulation. Anger, denial, rage, false accusations, silence, threats, moving of money, etc... all reasons to have an attorney ready, and counselling (the right one ,preferably a man) for you and the kids.
Don't be surprised if you find this joyful moment to be anything but that. Your emotions of fear, and guilt will be very strong. Now will be the time for taking from others, receiving favors owed to you, and drawing on the strength from others, in person and on-line.
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Post by baza on Jan 4, 2017 21:56:14 GMT -5
Tactically, it would be smart to see a lawyer in your jurisdiction and establish how a divorce would shake out for you, and start organising an exit strategy and get it in to do-able shape. And attend to your support network, and research how to help the kids through this transition.
All this BEFORE you give her this letter.
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Now, having got that pragmatic view out of the way, I was deeply moved by your letter, it is a very soulful piece, excellently constructed.
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What sort of reaction it might provoke is as yet unknown.
But I am betting it was quite cathartic for you to get it all out there, and was therefore a very worthwhile exercise whether anything comes of it or not.
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Post by shamwow on Jan 4, 2017 22:06:12 GMT -5
I have, indeed, learned quite a bit in a short time.
Absolutely agree on getting my legal ducks in a row before this letter is delivered. Depending on her reaction this is either the next phase in our relationship (as friends) or the first shot in total war (enemies). I need to be prepared for both and anything in between.
I'm planning on interviewing 3 to 6 of them. The first will mainly be to get a sense of the process and make sure I have all the things I will need gathered. I've already started the process of compiling documents from information online. My experience with attorneys is more preparation = lower bills.
As far as counselors I have a list of ones in my area that take my insurance. Who knows if she wants to go but if she does then why burn through unnecessary cash?
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Post by Deleted on Jan 5, 2017 0:40:51 GMT -5
Beautiful and very touching letter, shamwow. It brought me to tears also. I can feel your pain and desperation and I also love seeing you articulate the arc of your relationship. It's poignant. If you are saying there aren't any more chances, where/how does counseling fit with this? I think your wife might consider that another chance. I'm in the same emotional place as you are: "The flame has died, and not even an ember remains. I am not in denial, I am not angry, I am not bargaining, I am not depressed. I have accepted this. I am no longer in love with you. The only feeling I have left is a deep sadness for the kids, you and I." Because I'm done, I will not attend counseling with my H again unless it is for the express purpose of having a peaceful divorce and developing a respectful co-parenting relationship. I'm wondering if it would help you to figure out and discuss with your wife what the purpose of counseling would be at this point. I'd hate to see you either A) give or have false hope or B) be duped if she decided to throw crumbs at you again. Also, being a fairly literal person myself, it's not altogether clear to me from your letter that you are completely done with the marriage. Are you? Have you played out the scenario in your head where she says "ok, let's get a divorce." Are you 100% there? I know it took me a very long time to get there. I held out hope under the most hopeless conditions. I understand that too! I guess I'm just asking the hard questions I'd want someone to ask me in this situation. It's a great letter and so long as you clarify that you are asking for a divorce, I think it more than gets the job done. Wishing you luck with it, but sorry it ever had to come to this. I wanted my family more than anything, so I understand your grief over that. |
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Post by DryCreek on Jan 5, 2017 1:04:50 GMT -5
shamwow, I empathize with so many of your points. My only productive feedback is on the follow-up. If you're expecting a timeframe, share that expectation -- if she stalls, at least she would have no excuse for being caught off-guard.
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Post by shamwow on Jan 5, 2017 6:19:18 GMT -5
Beautiful and very touching letter, shamwow. It brought me to tears also. I can feel your pain and desperation and I also love seeing you articulate the arc of your relationship. It's poignant. If you are saying there aren't any more chances, where/how does counseling fit with this? I think your wife might consider that another chance. I'm in the same emotional place as you are: "The flame has died, and not even an ember remains. I am not in denial, I am not angry, I am not bargaining, I am not depressed. I have accepted this. I am no longer in love with you. The only feeling I have left is a deep sadness for the kids, you and I." Because I'm done, I will not attend counseling with my H again unless it is for the express purpose of having a peaceful divorce and developing a respectful co-parenting relationship. I'm wondering if it would help you to figure out and discuss with your wife what the purpose of counseling would be at this point. I'd hate to see you either A) give or have false hope or B) be duped if she decided to throw crumbs at you again. Also, being a fairly literal person myself, it's not altogether clear to me from your letter that you are completely done with the marriage. Are you? Have you played out the scenario in your head where she says "ok, let's get a divorce." Are you 100% there? I know it took me a very long time to get there. I held out hope under the most hopeless conditions. I understand that too! I guess I'm just asking the hard questions I'd want someone to ask me in this situation. It's a great letter and so long as you clarify that you are asking for a divorce, I think it more than gets the job done. Wishing you luck with it, but sorry it ever had to come to this. I wanted my family more than anything, so I understand your grief over that. I think you are right on the money with where I am viewing counseling. I have been working through this for years and have reached a (relative) measure if peace. I am fully expecting this to be a shock to my wife despite the many conversations over the years. Going through counseling together may get her tthrough the steps of grief faster than the 13 year arc it has taken me to do it alone and without support (until recently, that is) As far as is there any hope, we are both in our mid 40's. The time for hope wasa decade ago. As the mother of my children I want her to land on her feet as much as possible. That consideration plays a huge role in making this final. Not as an ultimatum, but as a statement of fact. Great feedback! Please keep it coming. This is going to be the most important conversationof my life. |
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Post by shamwow on Jan 5, 2017 6:29:11 GMT -5
shamwow, I empathize with so many of your points. My only productive feedback is on the follow-up. If you're expecting a timeframe, share that expectation -- if she stalls, at least she would have no excuse for being caught off-guasrd. Totally agree on time frame. However after spending the entire evening writing the first draft of this letter, I was emotionally drained. Perhaps it would be better to specify she "take a ccouple days" to think about this rather than leaving it open ended. By starting a this with a letter my hope is to get my thoughts out clearly. It also means that if she wants to discuss with family and friends the first question they will have is ttosee the letter. That way they can hear our story from my mouth rather than filtered through her perceptions of a conversation. I can also give a copy my friends and family rather than having to rehash this damn painful story over and over. When my children get older and years pass they can even get a copy to understand why. Of course during those couple of days she might decide to go to war. If that is the case, I will already have papers drawn up and will be readyto fight. Then the judge gets to read my letter too. |
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Post by beachguy on Jan 5, 2017 8:43:41 GMT -5
"The key is that it didn't go from 0 to shithole in 5 minutes."
Actually it did, it started with the huge Bait N Switch she pulled on the honeymoon (as it did with me). And her enthusiasm to make children proves that. Your marriage was stillborn, just like mine.
Great letter. I can't add anything else here.
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Post by wom360 on Jan 5, 2017 9:25:00 GMT -5
I think, unfortunately, the letter will be ineffective without a declaration of divorce at the end. It all boils down to more complaints without any action. All that to demand counseling? Counseling never works.
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Post by shamwow on Jan 5, 2017 10:50:24 GMT -5
"The key is that it didn't go from 0 to shithole in 5 minutes." Actually it did, it started with the huge Bait N Switch she pulled on the honeymoon (as it did with me). And her enthusiasm to make children proves that. Your marriage was stillborn, just like mine. Great letter. I can't add anything else here. True on the bait and switch. Perhaps a more accurate statement would be "it didn't go from 0 to realizing I was in a shithole in 5 minutes" |
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Post by shamwow on Jan 5, 2017 10:52:13 GMT -5
I think, unfortunately, the letter will be ineffective without a declaration of divorce at the end. It all boils down to more complaints without any action. All that to demand counseling? Counseling never works. I was getting a bit tired as I finished. The word divorce will be appearing in my next draft. I'm starting the lawyer shopping process this week. That will be in place before the letter is presented. |
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