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Post by richfairy72 on Jan 2, 2017 17:22:24 GMT -5
So today I finally tried to talk to H about SM, and whether he could tell me why he can't bring himself to kiss me or try anything intimate. No reply.
I suggested separation, explaining that 23 years of this rejection has left me with no self esteem. His response ' what 'rejection?'
He then played the whole a anxiety card, saying he would be lonely and how much he loves me etc. I kept my cool and stated that I can't carry on living with someone who refuses to try to resolve our issues. Response ' what issues? I'm happy'
I feel like I have been talking to a brick wall for years and years.
I admit to l losing it at this point, and getting frustrated, asking him what is so wrong with me that makes him find me so hideous. He said it was because he often has a headache or feels stressed. I suggested that sometimes being intimate can relieve stress. He just looked at me and said 'really?'
I said that of course it does - don't you find it the nicest thing in the world? I suppose I could guess his response of 'not really'
I told him he must be with the wrong person if he doesn't fancy me at all. He just said it is because I am always in a bad mood and sees me like a head teacher not a wife.
I now feel at rock bottom, have cried for two hours. People who know me generally say I am a kind, warm person so what have i done so wrong that he doesn't like me? Seriously screwed with my head.
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 2, 2017 17:31:13 GMT -5
Honey you didn't do anything wrong. It's him - there is something not right with him. Most men wish they could have sex with their wife as much as possible. These men refusers are hiding something. He is not being honest with you he is giving you excuses not reasons. He is deflecting blame to you. Honestly it's childish. In most cases these men are intimacy averse or addicted to porn. They just want to get off they don't want connection. You deserve better than that! Find a man you deserve a man whose dick moves after you say hello! Find your happiness!
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Post by brian on Jan 2, 2017 17:38:03 GMT -5
First thing's first... YOU DID *NOT* DO ANYTHING WRONG. Do not place the blame for your spouse not wanting to be intimate onto yourself. He said that he's happy, YOU have made him happy... you have done him RIGHT. Unfortunately, he doesn't feel, or doesn't recognize, that you require intimacy. Your marriage "batteries" are charged through intimate encounters. I'm certain that's not the only way, but it's really the one big difference between being friends and being in a relationship... at least to me. Lay it out there. Let him know. You REQUIRE regular fucks to maintain your emotional bond with him (be that blunt, really, most guys have to be hit with things between the eyes before they "get it"), and without that emotional bond, your feelings for him slowly degrade. Things that wouldn't normally bother you at all become a bother. You become more distant, and the relationship slowly dies on the vine. 23 years of this degradation of your feelings has you currently in a state of crisis and you need his help, on a regular basis, to fix it. Lay it out there. Let him decide if the marriage is worth saving to him.
Of course, as many posters here can attest, if the sex is loveless and he is doing it just to keep you quiet/satisfied/whatever, then it won't be satisfying for very long and you'll be right back at the starting point. You want to be wanted. You NEED to feel loved and be cherished, physically, by your husband.
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Post by DryCreek on Jan 2, 2017 17:49:01 GMT -5
richfairy72, his response is sad, but classic. He is happy, therefore there are no problems (despite what you tell him). Not-so-implicit in that comment is "I'm indifferent to your happiness." He is oblivious to your feelings, and seems rather emotionally desensitized himself. Lack of empathy -- surprised? All I can say is that he's being pretty clear about his stance; most of us get the silent response. It probably stings like hell, but there isn't much ambiguity there. I have personally struggled to cope/accept similar indifference; it's a roller coaster. Even if they aren't doing it maliciously, it leaves a big emotional gap and they aren't going to change.
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Post by baza on Jan 2, 2017 17:56:46 GMT -5
Dysfunctional marriage does your head in, gets you thinking weird shit, gets you making uninformed choices that feed straight back in to the dysfunctional loop.
He owns his avoidant behaviour. That is entirely on him and has jack shit to do with you.
All you own is the fact that you have remained with him, and thus become complicit in the situation.
I see you suggested a separation.
Is that an "idea" or a plan ?
Getting away from the toxic situation (referred to in here as "zip code therapy") could be a really really good thing to do. Might give you space to make some really informed choices about what you want to do from here on in, and whether he is in that picture or not.
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Post by richfairy72 on Jan 2, 2017 18:31:32 GMT -5
Wow, thanks guys. I feel sooo much better from your replies. I try to rise above it but I can't help but take it personally. I mean, he's a man and he should be glad I want to have sex with him. It makes me feel worthless and my friends don't get it - they wish their partners would not want sex. Little do they know!!! Am going to try and sleep and work out a plan (1130pm in the UK). I don't want to be in this situation next new year x
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Post by obobfla on Jan 2, 2017 19:40:41 GMT -5
He just said it is because I am always in a bad mood and sees me like a head teacher not a wife. This quote says it all. You are supposed to be a wife, not a teacher. If that is the case, what is he supposed to do? Marriage is a partnership, not a one-sided affair where one teaches and the other learns. And what is he supposed to teach you? If you are the teacher, then give him an F in sex and intimacy! But then again, you could be the teacher in the Van Halen song: |
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Post by unmatched on Jan 2, 2017 19:48:41 GMT -5
"What issues? I'm happy."
That tells you pretty much everything you need to know about how he feels about your marriage and how much he cares about your feelings and your needs.
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Post by lyn on Jan 2, 2017 20:51:07 GMT -5
Of course you're not walking around all happy full of love for him. He won't fuck you - why should you be in a good mood? Sexual rejection/intimacy abandonment is equally as harmful to you as being physically beaten with a stick. It's just a slower death. Equally as bad - equally as abusive. I'm so sorry he has you feeling so low about yourself. You're obviously a lovely, eloquent person who deserves so much better. Girl..... I feel you! I've had the EXACT same conversation with my dud more times than I can count. Thank God I'm realizing it's HIM, not me......... just know that it is HIS problem........ making it your problem. It's NORMAL to want and expect sex and intimacy in a marriage- I mean, come on!!
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Post by csl on Jan 2, 2017 22:14:36 GMT -5
So today I finally tried to talk to H about SM, and whether he could tell me why he can't bring himself to kiss me or try anything intimate. No reply. I suggested separation, explaining that 23 years of this rejection has left me with no self esteem. His response ' what 'rejection?' He then played the whole a anxiety card, saying he would be lonely and how much he loves me etc. I kept my cool and stated that I can't carry on living with someone who refuses to try to resolve our issues. Response ' what issues? I'm happy' I feel like I have been talking to a brick wall for years and years. I admit to l losing it at this point, and getting frustrated, asking him what is so wrong with me that makes him find me so hideous. He said it was because he often has a headache or feels stressed. I suggested that sometimes being intimate can relieve stress. He just looked at me and said 'really?' I said that of course it does - don't you find it the nicest thing in the world? I suppose I could guess his response of 'not really' I told him he must be with the wrong person if he doesn't fancy me at all. He just said it is because I am always in a bad mood and sees me like a head teacher not a wife. I now feel at rock bottom, have cried for two hours. People who know me generally say I am a kind, warm person so what have i done so wrong that he doesn't like me? Seriously screwed with my head. Tell him that it doesn't matter if HE'S happy but you're miserable. It takes two to make a marriage, and if one is happy and the other is miserable, it's a stinkin' marriage! Sheesh! Some people are so self-centered! Ma'am, you've talked, he's stonewalled. It's now up to you. Also, he says he sees you as a teacher and not a wife? Tell him class is dismissed, that you want a husband and not a student. |
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Post by richfairy72 on Jan 3, 2017 4:25:56 GMT -5
He just said it is because I am always in a bad mood and sees me like a head teacher not a wife. This quote says it all. You are supposed to be a wife, not a teacher. If that is the case, what is he supposed to do? Marriage is a partnership, not a one-sided affair where one teaches and the other learns. And what is he supposed to teach you? If you are the teacher, then give him an F in sex and intimacy! But then again, you could be the teacher in the Van Halen song: |
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Post by richfairy72 on Jan 3, 2017 4:27:28 GMT -5
That made me laugh so much. I am actually a teacher, but sadly I don't look like that!!!!
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Post by richfairy72 on Jan 3, 2017 4:33:33 GMT -5
I think I want to move to the US! You guys are so much more in touch with your feelings, and open and honest than us Brits. A breath of fresh air. I've had more support and valid ideas than hours of marriage counselling came up with!! Keep up the good work!
Feeling less in despair this morning, although I now have the problem that he is going over the top making an effort to be nice to me - I am hopeless at sticking to my guns while he is being nice. And so the merry go round keeps spinning and I will go round in circles....grrrr.
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Post by beachguy on Jan 3, 2017 5:05:42 GMT -5
I think I want to move to the US! You guys are so much more in touch with your feelings, and open and honest than us Brits. A breath of fresh air. I've had more support and valid ideas than hours of marriage counselling came up with!! Keep up the good work! Feeling less in despair this morning, although I now have the problem that he is going over the top making an effort to be nice to me - I am hopeless at sticking to my guns while he is being nice. And so the merry go round keeps spinning and I will go round in circles....grrrr. He's being nice, but no sex? He needs some shock treatment. AKA Zip Code Therapy. He needs to learn that your needs count too. A trial separation is in order. |
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Post by richfairy72 on Jan 3, 2017 8:55:18 GMT -5
I think I want to move to the US! You guys are so much more in touch with your feelings, and open and honest than us Brits. A breath of fresh air. I've had more support and valid ideas than hours of marriage counselling came up with!! Keep up the good work! Feeling less in despair this morning, although I now have the problem that he is going over the top making an effort to be nice to me - I am hopeless at sticking to my guns while he is being nice. And so the merry go round keeps spinning and I will go round in circles....grrrr. He's being nice, but no sex? He needs some shock treatment. AKA Zip Code Therapy. He needs to learn that your needs count too. A trial separation is in order. |
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