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Post by richfairy72 on Jan 3, 2017 8:57:42 GMT -5
Yep, no sex yet. I can predict he will try a 'keep her chief's session in the next few days, then I will think things are improving only to realise in 2 month's time that was it. And I will still be stuck. I need to have a think......
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Post by beachguy on Jan 3, 2017 9:51:17 GMT -5
Yep, no sex yet. I can predict he will try a 'keep her chief's session in the next few days, then I will think things are improving only to realise in 2 month's time that was it. And I will still be stuck. I need to have a think...... You're only stuck if you let yourself stay stuck. You know what you have and you know it isn't going to change. |
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Post by beachguy on Jan 3, 2017 11:59:23 GMT -5
So today I finally tried to talk to H about SM, and whether he could tell me why he can't bring himself to kiss me or try anything intimate. No reply. I suggested separation, explaining that 23 years of this rejection has left me with no self esteem. His response ' what 'rejection?' He then played the whole a anxiety card, saying he would be lonely and how much he loves me etc. I kept my cool and stated that I can't carry on living with someone who refuses to try to resolve our issues. Response ' what issues? I'm happy' I feel like I have been talking to a brick wall for years and years. I admit to l losing it at this point, and getting frustrated, asking him what is so wrong with me that makes him find me so hideous. He said it was because he often has a headache or feels stressed. I suggested that sometimes being intimate can relieve stress. He just looked at me and said 'really?' I said that of course it does - don't you find it the nicest thing in the world? I suppose I could guess his response of 'not really' I told him he must be with the wrong person if he doesn't fancy me at all. He just said it is because I am always in a bad mood and sees me like a head teacher not a wife. I now feel at rock bottom, have cried for two hours. People who know me generally say I am a kind, warm person so what have i done so wrong that he doesn't like me? Seriously screwed with my head. He's incredibly disrespectful to you. He fucks with your head, with these nonsensical answers, rather than just admit he's gay, asexual, is getting it elsewhere, or whatever HIS problem is. I hope you find it within yourself to leave him and find someone that will love you, which should not be too hard. You have a lot to offer. |
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Post by DryCreek on Jan 3, 2017 12:04:25 GMT -5
I think I want to move to the US! You guys are so much more in touch with your feelings, and open and honest than us Brits. A breath of fresh air. Ha! Trust me, it's not the US, it's just this group of folks. There are plenty of emotionally dense folks in the US, and many of us are married to one. Any emotional awareness we've gained has been through desperately trying to decipher and cope with our situations. It leads one to a lot of personal introspection ("Did I cause this?"), bullshit filtering, and candid speech. You practically become your own therapist. |
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Post by csl on Jan 3, 2017 12:08:10 GMT -5
Feeling less in despair this morning, although I now have the problem that he is going over the top making an effort to be nice to me - I am hopeless at sticking to my guns while he is being nice. And so the merry go round keeps spinning and I will go round in circles....grrrr. "Being nice" = Intermittent reinforcement. Remember this quote from Townsend and Cloud's Safe People: Intermittent Reinforcement keeps us hooked in. In essence they give just enough reinforcement to induce hope and keep you reeled in. They dangle the carrot in order to keep you moving in their circle. |
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Post by beachguy on Jan 3, 2017 12:17:31 GMT -5
Feeling less in despair this morning, although I now have the problem that he is going over the top making an effort to be nice to me - I am hopeless at sticking to my guns while he is being nice. And so the merry go round keeps spinning and I will go round in circles....grrrr. "Being nice" = Intermittent reinforcement. Remember this quote from Townsend and Cloud's Safe People: Intermittent Reinforcement keeps us hooked in. In essence they give just enough reinforcement to induce hope and keep you reeled in. They dangle the carrot in order to keep you moving in their circle. ^^^^^^ This Never forget that he has the sexless, affectionless life he wants. He will NEVER validate your needs that he refuses to fulfill, or even acknowledge. He will just keep resetting you for the rest of your life, if you let him. And worst of all, he doesn't even reset you with sex, he is that sex averse now. But he doesn't have to because he's learned how to play you. I hope you surprise him some day and just say no to that. |
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Post by csl on Jan 3, 2017 12:23:42 GMT -5
Yep, no sex yet. I can predict he will try a 'keep her chief's session in the next few days, then I will think things are improving only to realise in 2 month's time that was it. And I will still be stuck. I need to have a think...... If you make sexlessness a dealbreaker, then how can be "improved"? You set the conditions, the boundaries. If he's within the boundaries, then all is copacetic. If he continues to reside outside the boundaries, he's failed. You get to set the boundary, not him. You're only stuck if you accept niceness as a replacement for intimacy. |
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Post by lyn on Jan 3, 2017 12:35:13 GMT -5
Yep, no sex yet. I can predict he will try a 'keep her chief's session in the next few days, then I will think things are improving only to realise in 2 month's time that was it. And I will still be stuck. I need to have a think...... If you make sexlessness a dealbreaker, then how can be "improved"? You set the conditions, the boundaries. If he's within the boundaries, then all is copacetic. If he continues to reside outside the boundaries, he's failed. You get to set the boundary, not him. You're only stuck if you accept niceness as a replacement for intimacy. Amen to that csl. It's amazing how fast a sm can decline once you realize you ain't having the crumbs anymore (I.e., this "nice" whatever he's doing or like in mine the stupid pecks on the mouth and awkward hugs)). If you do stick to your guns and NOT let this nice routine substitute for actual sex, then, my advice is to be ready for a major attitude shift from him. Sorry but I think most refusers are basically the same; manipulative, self-serving asshats that will become bigger asshats if their carefully (even subconsciously) crafted routine no longer appears to work. Meaning you stand up for yourself and don't fall for the ACT - that's all this shit is richfairy72 Sorry didn't mean to jump on your post csl. This just struck me...... I'm so sick of this stupid game - ....... sigh...... "Serenity Now"........ |
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Post by beachguy on Jan 3, 2017 12:46:10 GMT -5
If you make sexlessness a dealbreaker, then how can be "improved"? You set the conditions, the boundaries. If he's within the boundaries, then all is copacetic. If he continues to reside outside the boundaries, he's failed. You get to set the boundary, not him. You're only stuck if you accept niceness as a replacement for intimacy. Amen to that csl. It's amazing how fast a sm can decline once you realize you ain't having the crumbs anymore (I.e., this "nice" whatever he's doing or like in mine the stupid pecks on the mouth and awkward hugs)). If you do stick to your guns and NOT let this nice routine substitute for actual sex, then, my advice is to be ready for a major attitude shift from him. Sorry but I think most refusers are basically the same; manipulative, self-serving asshats that will become bigger asshats if their carefully (even subconsciously) crafted routine no longer appears to work. Meaning you stand up for yourself and don't fall for the ACT - that's all this shit is richfairy72 Sorry didn't mean to jump on your post csl. This just struck me...... I'm so sick of this stupid game - ....... sigh...... "Serenity Now"........ You get it, lyn. It's as simple as that |
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Post by csl on Jan 3, 2017 12:47:43 GMT -5
If you make sexlessness a dealbreaker, then how can be "improved"? You set the conditions, the boundaries. If he's within the boundaries, then all is copacetic. If he continues to reside outside the boundaries, he's failed. You get to set the boundary, not him. You're only stuck if you accept niceness as a replacement for intimacy. Amen to that csl . It's amazing how fast a sm can decline once you realize you ain't having the crumbs anymore (I.e., this "nice" whatever he's doing or like in mine the stupid pecks on the mouth and awkward hugs)). If you do stick to your guns and NOT let this nice routine substitute for actual sex, then, my advice is to be ready for a major attitude shift from him. Sorry but I think most refusers are basically the same; manipulative, self-serving asshats that will become bigger asshats if their carefully (even subconsciously) crafted routine no longer appears to work. Meaning you stand up for yourself and don't fall for the ACT - that's all this shit is richfairy72 Sorry didn't mean to jump on your post csl . This just struck me...... I'm so sick of this stupid game - ....... sigh...... "Serenity Now"........ Um... I stepped on a personal landmine? Punched a hot button, mebbe? I am glad that you qualified your statement as "most refusers", as it was two former refusers who are now sex-positive bloggers who help me get my blog up and running.  |
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Post by lyn on Jan 3, 2017 13:06:13 GMT -5
Amen to that csl . It's amazing how fast a sm can decline once you realize you ain't having the crumbs anymore (I.e., this "nice" whatever he's doing or like in mine the stupid pecks on the mouth and awkward hugs)). If you do stick to your guns and NOT let this nice routine substitute for actual sex, then, my advice is to be ready for a major attitude shift from him. Sorry but I think most refusers are basically the same; manipulative, self-serving asshats that will become bigger asshats if their carefully (even subconsciously) crafted routine no longer appears to work. Meaning you stand up for yourself and don't fall for the ACT - that's all this shit is richfairy72 Sorry didn't mean to jump on your post csl . This just struck me...... I'm so sick of this stupid game - ....... sigh...... "Serenity Now"........ Um... I stepped on a personal landmine? Punched a hot button, mebbe? I am glad that you qualified your statement as "most refusers", as it was two former refusers who are now sex-positive bloggers who help me get my blog up and running. Haha 😂 u got me! csl(I'm a big fan of the word "most" - seems to be accurate most of the time -however many most equates too though, not sure ....I do think it's more than many ....lol) |
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Post by beachguy on Jan 3, 2017 13:34:42 GMT -5
richfairy72 , if you haven't researched "gaslighting" you need to do that. Because the gaslighting here is just surreal. And from that, research the personality types that gaslight
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Post by skguy on Jan 3, 2017 22:19:45 GMT -5
So today I finally tried to talk to H about SM, and whether he could tell me why he can't bring himself to kiss me or try anything intimate. No reply. I suggested separation, explaining that 23 years of this rejection has left me with no self esteem. His response ' what 'rejection?' He then played the whole a anxiety card, saying he would be lonely and how much he loves me etc. I kept my cool and stated that I can't carry on living with someone who refuses to try to resolve our issues. Response ' what issues? I'm happy' I feel like I have been talking to a brick wall for years and years. I admit to l losing it at this point, and getting frustrated, asking him what is so wrong with me that makes him find me so hideous. He said it was because he often has a headache or feels stressed. I suggested that sometimes being intimate can relieve stress. He just looked at me and said 'really?' I said that of course it does - don't you find it the nicest thing in the world? I suppose I could guess his response of 'not really' I told him he must be with the wrong person if he doesn't fancy me at all. He just said it is because I am always in a bad mood and sees me like a head teacher not a wife. I now feel at rock bottom, have cried for two hours. People who know me generally say I am a kind, warm person so what have i done so wrong that he doesn't like me? Seriously screwed with my head. You sound like a great person. Not your fault. You just want to be loved and enjoy the intimacy you deserve. I'm sorry you have to experience all this. Hugs |
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Post by richfairy72 on Jan 5, 2017 14:39:48 GMT -5
richfairy72 , if you haven't researched "gaslighting" you need to do that. Because the gaslighting here is just surreal. And from that, research the personality types that gaslight Oh my god, you have just given me a total eye-opener. I think he is gaslighting me. This seems so accurate - I had no idea. I didn't think he could be so manipulative. SHIT. Thank you so much, I need to do some researching....... |
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Post by skguy on Jan 6, 2017 14:51:33 GMT -5
I had never heard of gaslighting either. I'm sure many on here the victim of that.
I think he is doing that to you 😞
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