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Post by thebaffledking on Dec 31, 2016 6:46:54 GMT -5
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Post by tamara68 on Dec 31, 2016 6:58:34 GMT -5
Vulnerable elitist
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Post by nancyb on Dec 31, 2016 7:20:13 GMT -5
My refuser isn't a narcissist after all. He's a garden variety asshole.
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Post by thebaffledking on Dec 31, 2016 8:53:42 GMT -5
Vulnerable Narcissist for me. Oh, the humanity!
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Post by novembercomingfire on Dec 31, 2016 10:30:13 GMT -5
Vulnerable compensatory/elitist. Do I get extra credit if her idealized persona is that of an empath?
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Post by Pinkberry on Dec 31, 2016 17:56:40 GMT -5
Invulnerable. He is a textbook case. I had no idea what real narcissism was until I'd been married to him for years.
Of course, since then, I have had some up close and personal contact with the Vulnerable variety. They are no prettier as the bottom line is really the same.
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 1, 2017 11:00:56 GMT -5
Vulnerable Compensatory his mother is an Invulnerable Elitist
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Post by wewbwb on Jan 1, 2017 12:56:49 GMT -5
My refuser isn't a narcissist after all. He's a garden variety asshole. All to often people throw the term narcissist around. Everyone has a bit of narcissistic tendencies. It's a matter of degree. |
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Post by litnerd on Jan 1, 2017 23:22:08 GMT -5
My refuser isn't a narcissist after all. He's a garden variety asshole. Same. My "yardstick" for measuring narcissism is my father, who is a textbook narcissist and has spent decades gaslighting and otherwise emotionally abusing my mom, siblings, and myself. By that standard, H's rather large ego and lack of empathy don't even come close to what I'd call narcissism. H is definitely an asshole, though, and I call him that on a regular basis. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 1, 2017 23:26:26 GMT -5
My refuser isn't a narcissist after all. He's a garden variety asshole. All to often people throw the term narcissist around. Everyone has a bit of narcissistic tendencies. It's a matter of degree. I agree, the term is thrown around a lot and there are degrees of narcissism. Some are worse than others. I only determined my H is one after my therapist labeled him. I trust her on that. |
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Post by wewbwb on Jan 2, 2017 1:12:58 GMT -5
All to often people throw the term narcissist around. Everyone has a bit of narcissistic tendencies. It's a matter of degree. I agree, the term is thrown around a lot and there are degrees of narcissism. Some are worse than others. I only determined my H is one after my therapist labeled him. I trust her on that. Has your therapist met him? Or is she determining this from your description of him? I am not defending him. Just asking. |
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Post by iceman on Jan 2, 2017 7:22:41 GMT -5
Vulnerable narissist for me. Looks like a textbook case.
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Post by Lithium92 on Jan 2, 2017 7:47:37 GMT -5
My wife isn't one at all. Like litnerd, I have a parental yardstick - my mother's BPD, which is very much like NPD. I've been on the shitty end of Cluster B behaviour, and my wife's is nowhere near. I'm coming to the conclusion she's aspy. A lot of the characteristics are unnervingly similar: lack of empathy, meltdowns, intense periods of focus on something they find worthy; I guess I found some of that unconsciously familiar and thought I understood it. But the difference is that once you understand what's going on, NPD/BPDs understand what they're doing, they just don't care; my wife doesn't understand what she's doing without epic amounts of explanation, but when she does, she's incredibly lovely.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2017 10:05:12 GMT -5
I agree, the term is thrown around a lot and there are degrees of narcissism. Some are worse than others. I only determined my H is one after my therapist labeled him. I trust her on that. Has your therapist met him? Or is she determining this from your description of him? I am not defending him. Just asking. By all means, defend him! I did for YEARS. Trust me, I'd love to be wrong about him. And I'd have given a limb for years to change the dynamic between us (I'm so frustrated by now that I've decided to keep my limbs, thankfully). I initially sought therapy because I was convinced I wasn't being the wife I should be. I'm no saint and I'm not perfect (I'm sure I'd drive any sane man nearly crazy), but I was also not being a bad wife. On top of that, I have always been willing to work at it and meet in the middle. He does have real problems, my H. Chief among them is his total unwillingness to accept any blame or to work on our marriage. I'm the only one fighting for it and have been for years. But your comments were thought-provoking and I thank you for that. No therapist can diagnose someone without meeting them in person. My therapist didn't address my husband's "problems" until about 7 years in (therapy was for ME). And it's only been in the last 6 months that she labeled him as most likely having Narcissistic Personality Disorder. For the fact that she waited so long to label him, I trust her judgment. Over the years, she's heard enough of my stories (a mix of subjective emotion layered over objective events) and seen me go through enough cycles of trying to better the marriage that she knows change will not happen from my end alone. Honestly, I was kind of angry when she finally labeled him with NPD after almost 8 years of seeing me. Why didn't she tell me she suspected this earlier, I wondered? It surely would have saved me a lot of grief. I grew up with a truly narcissistic stepfather (worse than my H) and I know they can't change. Anyway, hope that answers the question. I'm glad you asked! P.S. I also don't want to totally vilify my husband. He's not all bad. Maybe no one is. Just as no one is all good. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jan 2, 2017 11:26:46 GMT -5
THIS: P.S. I also don't want to totally vilify my husband. He's not all bad. Maybe no one is. Just as no one is all good.
I learned in my recovery about the nature of my own character defects. There is a guy in my group that says he used to think people were either "good guys" or assholes. He learned that there ARE no assholes - just people acting from their character defects. The good news is I am not an asshole either, even though I sometimes behave like one.
I like this take on things. I also used to think there was a "core" identity that was either a good person who sometimes acted badly or a bad person who pretended to be good sometimes. But the truth is that all of us are a mix - and whichever side we feed the most energy is the one that becomes most predominant.
I loved the article! I don't know if I'm really an empath but this is true for me: truggle to create healthy boundaries for themselves, giving in to martyrdom, victimhood, co-dependency, and chronic self-sacrifice. YES! A la my mother's martyrdom training.
My Ex seems to actually be a Vulnerable Compensatory Elitist. But he wasn't always like that - these are the parts or behaviors that blossomed and grew when he did not treat his fears over cancer.
Loverman has some narcissist tendencies but he also has treated BPD and he's worked with a therapist for 4 years or so and his criticism sometimes "pops out" but not always. He seems self-aware of the tendencies and he tries to not act out of these character defects. He would be a vulnerable amorous for sure without treatment.
Really good info in this - but I agree with those who say labels get thrown around a lot. These behaviors are the sort of thing anyone can fall into and out of. As "givers" most of us refused tend toward forgiving "bad behavior" far too often, I think. This is the part of me that I need to work on - so far as defining deal-breakers, what makes me happy, what is minimally acceptable, what and who to limmit my time with or limit all exposure to. Still working on that!
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