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Post by becca on Dec 30, 2016 23:52:59 GMT -5
I went out to dinner this evening with my H. I moved out weeks earlier but he had this gift card that was given to both of us and so I agreed to go.
Surprisingly it was a nice evening. We talked about the kids and his work and our extended families. He didn't drink and informed me that he hadn't had a drink in 5 days. That was a pleasant surprise. It felt comfortable and I started wondering if I was doing the right thing. It wasn't so bad at home was it?
As doubt started to creep in, I replayed some of the evenings conversations.
-I told him about a presentation our teenage daughter had shared with me. I gave him the overall message and said I would send the link to him. His response was, "It's not necessary. You shared the highlights. I don't need to see it." This doesn't seem to be a big deal but the context is that he and his daughter haven't spoken in months. You would think he would want to see this video that had such an impact on her. Closed door.
-I asked him if he had made any resolutions for the New Year. His response was, "No, that's all a bunch of bogus crap anyway" and he didn't ask me if I had any. Closed door.
-When he told me he hadn't had a drink in 5 days, I did tell him how proud I was of him and encouraged him, again, to visit an AA meeting. His response was, "I got this and we are done with this conversation." Closed door.
And this is before we even address the sexless marriage part!
I feel like the dog that gets kicked by its owner and keeps coming back. I want 2017 to be different. I need 2017 to be different.
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Post by DryCreek on Dec 31, 2016 0:58:45 GMT -5
2017 will already be different, just stay your course!
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Post by wewbwb on Dec 31, 2016 1:36:52 GMT -5
I'm sure, absolutely sure that it will be alright.
And different.
Very different.
And special, and wonderful.
Please just keep being you.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Dec 31, 2016 2:58:50 GMT -5
becca, things will be different because you have your eyes wide open now my lovely. You saw and listed 3 easy opportunities for him to show you change. he wasted them. He is not your future. Stay strong dolly. Your's is a much brighter future xxx
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Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2016 6:03:53 GMT -5
becca, are we married to the same man? I mean, the EXACT same man? My H is the KING of closed doors. He can fix everything himself. He once told me he doesn't do counseling because he can fix it himself. I nearly fell out of my chair laughing. Same with alcohol. He's "quit" several times, once for 7 months. But I can't even bring up AA without risking a temper tantrum. He white knuckles it and then goes back to drinking. There's a reason people attend AA meeting for the rest of their natural born lives. It really is THAT hard to kick an addiction. Oh, but not our husbands. They GOT this. All alone. Yep. I fully expect my H to do this when I leave in 18 months time. I've even told him I'm leaving, but he seems to have forgotten. I'm sure I'll get the full court press when it's time to separate. My goal is not to fall for it. That's my gut reaction to your post - don't fall for it. Your husband's patterns of communication are not those of someone who is open to being in a mutual relationship. Stay strong and look to the New Year and your new life. Every end is a new beginning and I personally LOVE beginnings. Go grab your happy life! Oh, I will tell you that I've worked out in my mind the steps my H would need to do in order to "win me back." It might be helpful for you to do the same. What are the minimums? Mine needs to attend AA and be sober for a year. And, I need a sobbing, on his-knees apology. I'll never get either. But this way, I won't be fooled by the scented candles tricks he pulls when I leave.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 31, 2016 8:45:04 GMT -5
It sounds like the two of you both got on the same old useless tired treadmill. The ceremonial dinner is the place for routine, safe, small talk.
You really didn't open the door at all. You being a giver, nurturer, caring person, will have a difficult time doing that. A therapist and an attorney will make that happen.
I may be wrong on this, but I will say it. Your husband has had twenty years of a life with 3 women. He could care less about plays, singing, costumes, dramas, homeschooling, fashion designs, etc..... His response of, "I don't need to see it you shared it with me." Does not mean he could care less about his daughter. You brought up a subject that has an impact on your daughter. Was he involved in it? No. Did he tolerate it for the good of the family? Family first? Did it interfere with your time with him? That's all it reminds him of.
New years resolutions? Dreams, hopes, fantasies, lollipops,rainbows, and unicorns. While his wife left him and he struggles with alcohol.
You have been gone 6 weeks and he is bragging about 5 days. That's 8.4%. Nothing to brag about. His drinking sounds like a number one problem that needs an ending.
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Post by thebaffledking on Dec 31, 2016 8:56:28 GMT -5
I want 2017 to be different. I need 2017 to be different. The power to design your own world is within your power, becca! Go for broke!! Leap and the net shall appear!! |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Dec 31, 2016 9:48:35 GMT -5
Re: I don't need help, I got this.
Yes. Yes, dear - you do. You've got this on your own. So just like therapists, specialists, & AA - you don't need me either. You will be OK. So - I'm just gonna go.
5 days w/o a drink is not a miracle unless you're an alcoholic. (I am. For me, at the end, a single day w/o alcohol was a miracle. I've strung together over a year now. I could not have done it - and been HAPPY about it - without my AA program.
AA is not for people who need it. It's not even just for people who want it. It only works for people who want it badly enough that they work the full program.)
You can't make his life happy. Go and make your own life a happy one!
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Post by shamwow on Dec 31, 2016 10:04:27 GMT -5
Re: I don't need help, I got this. Yes. Yes, dear - you do. You've got this on your own. So just like therapists, specialists, & AA - you don't need me either. You will be OK. So - I'm just gonna go. 5 days w/o a drink is not a miracle unless you're an alcoholic. (I am. For me, at the end, a single day w/o alcohol was a miracle. I've strung together over a year now. I could not have done it - and been HAPPY about it - without my AA program. AA is not for people who need it. It's not even just for people who want it. It only works for people who want it badly enough that they work the full program.) You can't make his life happy. Go and make your own life a happy one! Congrats on your year GeekGoddess! |
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Post by becca on Dec 31, 2016 10:06:21 GMT -5
Re: I don't need help, I got this. Yes. Yes, dear - you do. You've got this on your own. So just like therapists, specialists, & AA - you don't need me either. You will be OK. So - I'm just gonna go. 5 days w/o a drink is not a miracle unless you're an alcoholic. (I am. For me, at the end, a single day w/o alcohol was a miracle. I've strung together over a year now. I could not have done it - and been HAPPY about it - without my AA program. AA is not for people who need it. It's not even just for people who want it. It only works for people who want it badly enough that they work the full program.) You can't make his life happy. Go and make your own life a happy one! Thank you, GG. I have a very good friend who is 10 years sober and he still looks at it like it is day one and then the next day and the next. He has offered to talk to my H but only after he has, at least, admitted he has a problem which he has not. I asked my H if the 5 days had been hard, hoping to have an honest discussion and he said, "Nope. Not a problem at all. I feel great!" He doesn't need anyone apparently, and you are right, that includes me. You are so strong, GG and you have achieved so much in just a year. Thank you for your words. |
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Post by unmatched on Dec 31, 2016 10:13:25 GMT -5
becca you are so on top of this. You know exactly what is going on, and if you weren't having moments of doubt it would be really odd! Keep putting one foot in front of the other and checking in with yourself regularly to see how you really feel, and you will continue to be an inspiration for all of us.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 31, 2016 10:26:29 GMT -5
As bballgirl says "It's time to lay all your cards on the table." Your dinner was a zero attempt at that. That's what I hoped to say earlier.
You could use some strong tipping points. Some damaging, words need to be spoken, the mask needs to come off.
Here's one of my examples\episodes. (a story or example can teach others):
After counselling, after a re-set weekend where hours later I was basically told, "you don't fill my needs"(now that kids are growing up) We went down to the beach at the park. Darkness, no one around. I let my STBX know, (in a very nervous tone) "I would like to have sex once a week." Her response, "I don't know if I will ever be ready for that!" That lead to a pent up angry response, 'night after night, all you do is sit on your fat arse and play video games!" Then came the immediate DARVO. " I will not put up with you speaking to me disrespectfully". I snapped back as we were leaving, "disrespect? Disrespect? YOU have disrespected ME for over 20 years with no sex or intimacy!!". Nothing else was said. A year later now and we are into our divorce.
I am a firm believer that this is what it takes to break the chains, and let the healing begin.
Hearing it said, and having these words spoken, give me a solid backing to my grounds for a divorce. When I tell the few that need to hear it there jaw hits the floor, and i feel vindicated. Confrontations like these remove all doubt.
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Post by becca on Dec 31, 2016 10:34:30 GMT -5
becca , are we married to the same man? I mean, the EXACT same man? That's my gut reaction to your post - don't fall for it. Your husband's patterns of communication are not those of someone who is open to being in a mutual relationship. Stay strong and look to the New Year and your new life. Every end is a new beginning and I personally LOVE beginnings. Go grab your happy life! Oh, I will tell you that I've worked out in my mind the steps my H would need to do in order to "win me back." It might be helpful for you to do the same. Elle, I have read some of your posts and thought the exact same thing! They are most definitely cut from the same cloth. I have a list in my head of what he would have to do to win me back but I have been trying hard to be honest with myself. For example, it would be easy to say the drinking is the problem for all of it including the sexlessness, the "closed doors" and definitely the strife he has with his children. But the truth is, we weren't having sex years before he started drinking. Before the drinking it was his work. It was the stress. It was me being irrational for wanting it so much. The drinking, in a strange way, for me, has been a blessing. It was something I couldn't ignore. I have swept A LOT under the rug during the course of our marriage but it was impossible to continue to ignore the elephant in the room. I do not want to demonize him. He is a good man who survived an incredibly abusive childhood and in many ways has excelled in his life, attending a prestigious school, being an officer in the military and being involved in the community to this day. Maybe there is a woman out there that can reach him and change him and make him want to be a better man. Unfortunately, I do not think that woman is me. |
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Post by beachguy on Dec 31, 2016 10:37:49 GMT -5
becca, a reasonably civil conversation does not a marriage make. Glad to see you are on top of things and see the big picture.
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Post by novembercomingfire on Dec 31, 2016 10:41:12 GMT -5
Re: I don't need help, I got this. Yes. Yes, dear - you do. You've got this on your own. So just like therapists, specialists, & AA - you don't need me either. You will be OK. So - I'm just gonna go. 5 days w/o a drink is not a miracle unless you're an alcoholic. (I am. For me, at the end, a single day w/o alcohol was a miracle. I've strung together over a year now. I could not have done it - and been HAPPY about it - without my AA program. AA is not for people who need it. It's not even just for people who want it. It only works for people who want it badly enough that they work the full program.) You can't make his life happy. Go and make your own life a happy one! Congrats on your year GeekGoddess! Yes, congratulations! |
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