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Post by tamara68 on Dec 28, 2016 8:03:30 GMT -5
Last week I have started with therapy. I have managed to tell all the major things about my situation in one hour.
The psychologist said that so much of my story was very recognizable to her. I have told about the importance of this iliasm group as well. She didn't say that much yet, obviously because I had to tell a lot to explain. But one thing she said is important. I described a few things of how it was when I was still living with my stbx. She asked me how it was to live alone. And she said that it is easy to forget what it was like before.
I think that is true. I have gotten used to my freedom very quickly. If I forget the restrictions and emotional abuse I could easily think that it wasn't that bad and even could believe it was wrong to leave my stbx.
I don't think I will regret leaving but I definitely am forgetting parts of the misery already.
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 28, 2016 8:15:43 GMT -5
I can relate to the forgetting how bad it was at times.
Christmas Day my ex came here with the kids. We spent the entire day together 9 am to 9 pm. We had a wonderful time with the kids, ate good food, friends came over to visit, watched football. It was comfortable and familiar.
The next morning I had a date/ meeting with a new man. Part of me was sad that it couldn't work out. It couldn't be what it was supposed to be. So I met the new guy for coffee, we sat and talked for 2 hours. Later that afternoon I got a phone call from my ex about a situation with my son that he was making a big deal out of nothing. The tension, control, and all the other crap came rushing back. Being under my roof by myself is peaceful. There is no peace with my ex.
That's great that you started therapy. I'm happy for you that you have your freedom.
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Post by misssunnybunny on Dec 28, 2016 8:21:08 GMT -5
So glad to hear the session went well. I do hope you are able to establish a productive working relationship with your counselor, it can be such a helpful process when it works for us. It is very easy to get used to being out and living independently. I got used to my freedom pretty quickly, but it took me time to fully settle into life on my own. It is also easy to forget how bad it was as I work to put that part of my life behind me. There are parts I will never forget, and parts where my behavior/self concept/emotions are still affected, but I like to think that I have grown and learned about myself as a person and am stronger because of it. I don't regret leaving, I more am sad that I lost the good parts we had, that they got overridden by the negatives. Best to you in counseling, I hope it continues to be helpful for you!
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 28, 2016 8:30:28 GMT -5
Last week I have started with therapy. I have managed to tell all the major things about my situation in one hour. The psychologist said that so much of my story was very recognizable to her. I have told about the importance of this iliasm group as well. She didn't say that much yet, obviously because I had to tell a lot to explain. But one thing she said is important. I described a few things of how it was when I was still living with my stbx. She asked me how it was to live alone. And she said that it is easy to forget what it was like before. I think that is true. I have gotten used to my freedom very quickly. If I forget the restrictions and emotional abuse I could easily think that it wasn't that bad and even could believe it was wrong to leave my stbx. I don't think I will regret leaving but I definitely am forgetting parts of the misery already. That's terrific! You are gaining ground and moving forward! Forgive but don't forget. Trust yet verify Everybody gets to be a sucker once. We won't get fooled again. My divorce therapy book talked about giving 5 minutes a day to reflect on past mistakes, and problems, then move on. |
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Post by tamara68 on Dec 28, 2016 9:02:18 GMT -5
I can relate to the forgetting how bad it was at times. Christmas Day my ex came here with the kids. We spent the entire day together 9 am to 9 pm. We had a wonderful time with the kids, ate good food, friends came over to visit, watched football. It was comfortable and familiar. The next morning I had a date/ meeting with a new man. Part of me was sad that it couldn't work out. It couldn't be what it was supposed to be. So I met the new guy for coffee, we sat and talked for 2 hours. Later that afternoon I got a phone call from my ex about a situation with my son that he was making a big deal out of nothing. The tension, control, and all the other crap came rushing back. Being under my roof by myself is peaceful. There is no peace with my ex. That's great that you started therapy. I'm happy for you that you have your freedom. "there is no peace with my ex" I think that sums it up for me too. The tension, being watched and checked all the time. |
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Post by tamara68 on Dec 28, 2016 9:09:04 GMT -5
So glad to hear the session went well. I do hope you are able to establish a productive working relationship with your counselor, it can be such a helpful process when it works for us. It is very easy to get used to being out and living independently. I got used to my freedom pretty quickly, but it took me time to fully settle into life on my own. It is also easy to forget how bad it was as I work to put that part of my life behind me. There are parts I will never forget, and parts where my behavior/self concept/emotions are still affected, but I like to think that I have grown and learned about myself as a person and am stronger because of it. I don't regret leaving, I more am sad that I lost the good parts we had, that they got overridden by the negatives. Best to you in counseling, I hope it continues to be helpful for you! I hope it will be productive too. "... as I work to put that part of my life behind me". I feel that as well. But I also think I need to remember, to prevent me from making the same mistakes in the future and to justify myself for leaving. And to explain to my daughter when the moment is there. This forum is a way to remember as well as to look forward. |
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Post by tamara68 on Dec 28, 2016 9:11:11 GMT -5
Forgive but don't forget. Trust yet verify Everybody gets to be a sucker once. We won't get fooled again. My divorce therapy book talked about giving 5 minutes a day to reflect on past mistakes, and problems, then move on. Moving forward! it feels good to do this and other things to shape my new life. Good tip from your book. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Dec 28, 2016 9:18:39 GMT -5
Last week I have started with therapy. I have managed to tell all the major things about my situation in one hour. The psychologist said that so much of my story was very recognizable to her. I have told about the importance of this iliasm group as well. She didn't say that much yet, obviously because I had to tell a lot to explain. But one thing she said is important. I described a few things of how it was when I was still living with my stbx. She asked me how it was to live alone. And she said that it is easy to forget what it was like before. I think that is true. I have gotten used to my freedom very quickly. If I forget the restrictions and emotional abuse I could easily think that it wasn't that bad and even could believe it was wrong to leave my stbx. I don't think I will regret leaving but I definitely am forgetting parts of the misery already. [ We should all pledge NEVER to forget. That's how I ended up back with him when I left before He badgered me relentlessly every day for over 3 years until he caught me having a low day that I let him in on. His feet were back under the table in no time. I had forgotten. |
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Post by tamara68 on Dec 28, 2016 9:22:52 GMT -5
We should all pledge NEVER to forget. That's how I ended up back with him when I left before He badgered me relentlessly every day for over 3 years until he caught me having a low day that I let him in on. His feet were back under the table in no time. I had forgotten. You will not do that again! I solemnly swear I won't forget  |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Dec 28, 2016 9:27:57 GMT -5
And do you know what else, I think that we forget how bad it is even when we're still in it. I have very much started to emotionally detach from him. Which is great for day to day coping, you know, I'm pretty fucking sure we aren't going to be doing any sex anytime soon.... or at all actually. I'm also accepting that anything I want to do, he doesn't. That any invitations to parties or anything will be solo affairs etc etc So I have to keep reminding myself how heartbreaking it has been.... I've cut that bit off so to speak to survive. I could float on like this forever if i don't keep reminding myself that I deserve more from life than just existing. Which is hard when you have spent so many years moulding into this shell of a person "for the sake of your partner" not realising what was happening at the time. I think I'm going to have some struggled figuring out how to "get a life" after this. But I'm not scared to try |
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Post by tamara68 on Dec 28, 2016 9:39:14 GMT -5
And do you know what else, I think that we forget how bad it is even when we're still in it. I have very much started to emotionally detach from him. Which is great for day to day coping, you know, I'm pretty fucking sure we aren't going to be doing any sex anytime soon.... or at all actually. I'm also accepting that anything I want to do, he doesn't. That any invitations to parties or anything will be solo affairs etc etc So I have to keep reminding myself how heartbreaking it has been.... I've cut that bit off so to speak to survive. I could float on like this forever if i don't keep reminding myself that I deserve more from life than just existing. Which is hard when you have spent so many years moulding into this shell of a person "for the sake of your partner" not realising what was happening at the time. I think I'm going to have some struggled figuring out how to "get a life" after this. But I'm not scared to try I think everyone in a dysfunctional relation forgets how bad it is. It is a way of coping, but not a good one. I have thought for many years that I just had to accept the situation as it was. I thought / hoped that it would work to change my way of thinking. But I couldn't do it anymore. It is a way of killing yourself. You will do great without your stupid dickhead lol |
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Post by misssunnybunny on Dec 28, 2016 9:54:26 GMT -5
So glad to hear the session went well. I do hope you are able to establish a productive working relationship with your counselor, it can be such a helpful process when it works for us. It is very easy to get used to being out and living independently. I got used to my freedom pretty quickly, but it took me time to fully settle into life on my own. It is also easy to forget how bad it was as I work to put that part of my life behind me. There are parts I will never forget, and parts where my behavior/self concept/emotions are still affected, but I like to think that I have grown and learned about myself as a person and am stronger because of it. I don't regret leaving, I more am sad that I lost the good parts we had, that they got overridden by the negatives. Best to you in counseling, I hope it continues to be helpful for you! I hope it will be productive too. "... as I work to put that part of my life behind me". I feel that as well. But I also think I need to remember, to prevent me from making the same mistakes in the future and to justify myself for leaving. And to explain to my daughter when the moment is there. This forum is a way to remember as well as to look forward. Yes, don't want to completely forget. Letting go, putting it behind me, but keeping the lessons I learned so I don't have a repeat in a future relationship. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 28, 2016 12:37:06 GMT -5
I was really stuck by the comment of fitting into a shell. My wife had an upbringing where she had to force herself to fit with her parents ideals, all the time. She never had a chance to develop a sense of self, and it's starting to show like crazy. She has one close friend (from college) and has a hard time articulating what it is ever that she is feeling or desires for herself. I am a people pleaser and a supporter so I've always gone out of my way to adapt to "our" life together. She probably feels that she has done the same for me, but it's been really one sided from the outside looking in. Just since finding this site (and having an emotional affair--ongoing), I have started to make a clear distinction between what I can change and cannot. I totally see your point about reminding yourself--had an amazing conversation with a childhood friend who went through a divorce who gave me stellar advice. I was so fired up--she totally gets me and speaks such truth immediately. Then, this morning, there was a gentle hug and a pleasant conversation. She actually initiated a hug. And all my momentum turned to jelly, and I thought, Well, maybe I'm being selfish about all this. I hate the see saw! Sounds like a re-set. Okay so she's not rippling your clothes off and giving you a BJ. But look at the results she got. Just giving you a hug turned you into jelly. What does that tell you of the control she has over you? Back to an example of a double bind and how to change it. A teacher says to his pupils, " If you say this stick is real I will beat you. iI you say this stick s not real I will beat you. If you say nothing I will beat you." there seems to be no way out. One pupil,however, changed the situation by changing the level of communication. He walked up to the teacher grabbed the stick, and broke it. Hence the divorce. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 28, 2016 21:57:20 GMT -5
Thanks for or the reply, greatcoastal. I'm new here, and I still struggle with finding hope. I keep hoping for the best and that when someone says they are going to change, they actually are planning to. I don't know how long it will take to sink in that change might just be out of the equation. So in your analogy, is breaking the stick finally just moving out and filing? Or did you mean change something else? My experience, and what I have gained by being here a year, that stick has become a log for you, it will take time and more "ahah moments". Three things I referred to, for myself are: 1) The final nails in the coffin. 2) Major tipping points. 3) Having the FOG lifted. FOG stands for Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. I tried the HOPE method. 2 yrs of counseling, books and posts every day, saying some pretty forward things in my own defense with the help of a councilor, and seeing the truth in my wife's behavior for myself. Some devastating words and actions, that others would hear about and ask, "why are you still there?". For myself it took many chips at that log to finally break it in two. Start building up your support network, books, web-sights, therapist, friends, family, attorney, and actions. I hope these two articles will give you a good foundation toward a happier you. You deserve it!! shrink4men.wordpress.com/tag/fog/shrink4men.com/2011/01/19/presto-change-o-darvo-deny-attack-and-reverse-victim-and-offender/ |
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Post by Lithium92 on Dec 29, 2016 4:10:25 GMT -5
This conversation is really helpful to me too - I'm starting counselling next week and it wouldn't surprise me if it turns out to be the beginning of the end for my marriage, though I'm sure it'll be a long painful process. I extricated myself from a toxic relationship with my parents a few years ago (my mum has BPD) so I know the FOG deal. My wife isn't abusive (I've been on the wrong end of an abusive relationship and got out, and this isn't one), but she's more like something Aspergers-ish, and both it and BPD play out with a fundamental obliviousness to other's emotional needs, so there's some repeating patterns stuff going on.
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