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Post by tamara68 on Dec 29, 2016 6:59:59 GMT -5
I was really stuck by the comment of fitting into a shell. My wife had an upbringing where she had to force herself to fit with her parents ideals, all the time. She never had a chance to develop a sense of self, and it's starting to show like crazy. She has one close friend (from college) and has a hard time articulating what it is ever that she is feeling or desires for herself. I am a people pleaser and a supporter so I've always gone out of my way to adapt to "our" life together. She probably feels that she has done the same for me, but it's been really one sided from the outside looking in. Just since finding this site (and having an emotional affair--ongoing), I have started to make a clear distinction between what I can change and cannot. I totally see your point about reminding yourself--had an amazing conversation with a childhood friend who went through a divorce who gave me stellar advice. I was so fired up--she totally gets me and speaks such truth immediately. Then, this morning, there was a gentle hug and a pleasant conversation. She actually initiated a hug. And all my momentum turned to jelly, and I thought, Well, maybe I'm being selfish about all this. I hate the see saw! So familiar to me! The see saw indeed. A little bit of kindness now and then doesn't make up for all the agony they cause. Making you doubt yourself is one of the things that are caused by emotional abuse. read the website Out of the Fog: tariq-thowfeek-2g43.squarespace.com/There is a lot there that is helpful. |
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Post by tamara68 on Dec 29, 2016 7:02:52 GMT -5
This conversation is really helpful to me too - I'm starting counselling next week and it wouldn't surprise me if it turns out to be the beginning of the end for my marriage, though I'm sure it'll be a long painful process. I extricated myself from a toxic relationship with my parents a few years ago (my mum has BPD) so I know the FOG deal. My wife isn't abusive (I've been on the wrong end of an abusive relationship and got out, and this isn't one), but she's more like something Aspergers-ish, and both it and BPD play out with a fundamental obliviousness to other's emotional needs, so there's some repeating patterns stuff going on. Good luck to you! It is a long process, but every step brings you closer to a better life. |
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Post by petrushka on Dec 30, 2016 0:14:21 GMT -5
On the subject of forgetting - there is that old chestnut "absence makes the heart grow fonder", right? And it's true, so often.
(why I allowed my parents to come live with me on my property, and boy, did I get to regret that for the next 25 years -- fortunately
I put my foot down about not living in the same house!).
Personally, I really prefer the alternate version of the proverb: "Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder". LoL
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Post by baza on Dec 30, 2016 1:59:44 GMT -5
Not all abusers operate overtly.
Really good ones certainly do not.
They act covertly, are usually several jumps ahead of you, and abuse you / manipulate you "nicely", achieving what they want without you even realising you are being played like a piano.
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Of course, should you call them on their bullshit, as often as not the nastier side comes through - in spades.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 30, 2016 7:21:42 GMT -5
Baza, yeah, unfortunately, I've seen that side too. Just read an article on how abusers can flip from being the target to the victim role. You will begin to see every situation differently, when you start putting the thought , "manipulative controller" into your mind. Then comes responding to these things when you notice them. I chose to start using the word "control", and "no" repeatedly. Soon you may find out your ,"no" gets answered with a "hell no". Now you know you have reached forward and broken their stick. The playing field is level. For me,the next step that came from my spouse, was the no-communication, and more subtle devious, manipulation. The moving of funds, avoidance, computer access, car keys, and manipulation of the children. Things do get worse, before they get better. You can't go into a coal mine wearing a white suit, declare, "I just won't touch anything", and expect to come out all clean. Put this sticky note on your computer: If you don't quit, you can't lose. |
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Post by Pinkberry on Dec 31, 2016 18:24:28 GMT -5
I have done some forgetting too. Recently, I came across an old journal in a box and read a few entries from when the marriage to the refuser was at its worst. I was floored, and remember the feelings that I had back then, but they didn't have the all consuming sting that they had back then.
There were times when I wasn't too far out when I would have a good conversation with the ex and wonder if there could have been healing between us, only to have reality slap me hard shortly thereafter. Don't question yourself over and over. You have to settle into some level of comfort that you did all you could for the relationship while you were in it, and now you need to do all you can to make your current life the best it can be. Enjoy that freedom and the lack of misery!!!
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