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Post by Deleted on Dec 27, 2016 9:53:23 GMT -5
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Post by JonDoe on Dec 27, 2016 10:08:47 GMT -5
Yes, for some women desire follows arousal, meaning they need to be physically aroused before they feel desire. I believe this to be the case for my wife, but she thinks it should always be like the romance novels, sweep her off her feet.
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 27, 2016 10:14:16 GMT -5
In addition, for some women desire follows arousal, meaning they need to be physically aroused before they feel desire. I always desired my husband until one day I no longer did after two decades of marriage. He on the other hand did not desire me. He desired all the meals and household duties I did for him. It's very sad. I hope one day I can find a ltr with a man I'm compatible with. I wasted too many years on the wrong one. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Dec 27, 2016 10:48:13 GMT -5
I like the idea of gas pedal and brake pedal. Our refusers seem to listen to, or use, the SIS (inhibition) system more. Once that becomes their routine, they cut off ALL willingness windows. I like this article a lot. With Loverman, it isn't really about the sex. When we chat each other up during anticipation weeks (he's different city), it is more about missing skin to skin, wrapped arms around my waste, or kissing (making out, last time I saw him, with me on his kitchen counter was great fun). We send each other notes out of the blue sometimes that say: quiver. I get quivers when certain songs come on, or he does when he sees a particular billboard or the hotel we stayed at the first time. He still knows "sex" - the whole gamut of anticipation to the act to the afterglow - is supposed to be FUN. Our refusers forget how to have fun - and not even just in this department but with my Ex, he forgot all forms of fun even outside the bedroom.
Good article!
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Post by shamwow on Dec 27, 2016 13:19:10 GMT -5
I like the idea of gas pedal and brake pedal. Our refusers seem to listen to, or use, the SIS (inhibition) system more. Once that becomes their routine, they cut off ALL willingness windows. I like this article a lot. With Loverman, it isn't really about the sex. When we chat each other up during anticipation weeks (he's different city), it is more about missing skin to skin, wrapped arms around my waste, or kissing (making out, last time I saw him, with me on his kitchen counter was great fun). We send each other notes out of the blue sometimes that say: quiver. I get quivers when certain songs come on, or he does when he sees a particular billboard or the hotel we stayed at the first time. He still knows "sex" - the whole gamut of anticipation to the act to the afterglow - is supposed to be FUN. Our refusers forget how to have fun - and not even just in this department but with my Ex, he forgot all forms of fun even outside the bedroom. Good article! I think you have hit the nail right on the head. My wife seems to have forgotten how to have fun inside and outside the bedroom. Part of the reason I'm getting ready to head for the exits is that she just doesn't seem to understand that life is supposed to be lived. You can be a mature, responsible adult and have a zest for life. |
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Post by csl on Dec 27, 2016 13:33:48 GMT -5
Yes, for some women desire follows arousal, meaning they need to be physically aroused before they feel desire. I believe this to be the case for my wife, but she thinks it should always be like the romance novels, sweep her off her feet. Some? Try most. Everything I'm reading is saying this. The problem is that each gender thinks that it's model of doing sex is the "right way", and that the other gender has it all wrong. |
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 27, 2016 13:41:18 GMT -5
Yes, for some women desire follows arousal, meaning they need to be physically aroused before they feel desire. I believe this to be the case for my wife, but she thinks it should always be like the romance novels, sweep her off her feet. Some? Try most. Everything I'm reading is saying this. The problem is that each gender thinks that it's model of doing sex is the "right way", and that the other gender has it all wrong. I think most are wired to eventually take sex and intimacy for granted. Maybe because I was sex starved for two decades that's why I'm wired differently. Sometimes I wonder if I had a normal healthy sex life for most of my marriage if I wouldn't be one of these women having duty sex once a month to keep her H on the hook and they are both having mediocre sex. I don't see my FWB often but the desire is always there and the sex is great. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 27, 2016 14:07:07 GMT -5
Yes, for some women desire follows arousal, meaning they need to be physically aroused before they feel desire. I believe this to be the case for my wife, but she thinks it should always be like the romance novels, sweep her off her feet. Some? Try most. Everything I'm reading is saying this. The problem is that each gender thinks that it's model of doing sex is the "right way", and that the other gender has it all wrong. That's not the ONLY problem with it. If you want to be arrested, fired, sued, ousted, slapped, yelled at, labeled, etc....try physically arousing a woman before they feel desired, (like your supposed to KNOW their feelings anyways.) One of the biggest reasons you get married! Supposedly, once married, it's now okay to physically arouse your wife. Unless your in a SM, (forget about it!) Society has put a huge double standard on this. Now imagine a man complaining about a woman trying to physically arouse him? Due to this fear of not knowing how a woman will react to the slightest advancement, (and what false allegations may be thrust upon you) it's a huge relief to have a woman advance physically to a man. Allowing him to then proceed with the rest. Like opening the door a little. Scheduling, and planning is an awesome way of doing that, no details needed when both people are equally sharing themselves. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Dec 27, 2016 15:01:05 GMT -5
I always had desire - my brain is wired like a dude's in a lot of articles I read comparing the two (effect of so many brothers? mother-hatred? dunno - I just am what I yam and I ain't like a lot of females I know...which led to a lot of shame issues). Thing is - there is desire for sex (me = always or nearly so) and then desire for sex with a particular someone. And I think - or thought - that is why we married. We wanted sex with that particular someone and by saying Yes when I proposed, I thought that was a window of willingness - that it was a promise to me that he'd always want to have sex WITH ME if he was to want sex. But through the years, his porn use went up & down and so did his interest in me - and well - life got in the way. But the inhibitions grew instead of came & went. The arousal went & eroded instead of came & went. It was like a bad habit he got into and couldn't get out of - always serious, often fearful but too much pride to admit it, always trying to be the smartest guy in the room. When in fact, the smartest guy in the room wouldn't have let the relationship sink so low. I still have a ton of desire - most for loverman, currently, but always looking about to see who I see; often fantasize about random people out in public; my brain WANTS even when my skin & body aren't in active arousal. But like bballgirl, I do wonder how much would have been true if the marriage hadn't hit a full SM shithole status. It can't be proven either way, but I do wonder. |
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Post by cagedtiger on Dec 27, 2016 15:04:08 GMT -5
I like the idea of gas pedal and brake pedal. Our refusers seem to listen to, or use, the SIS (inhibition) system more. Once that becomes their routine, they cut off ALL willingness windows. I like this article a lot. With Loverman, it isn't really about the sex. When we chat each other up during anticipation weeks (he's different city), it is more about missing skin to skin, wrapped arms around my waste, or kissing (making out, last time I saw him, with me on his kitchen counter was great fun). We send each other notes out of the blue sometimes that say: quiver. I get quivers when certain songs come on, or he does when he sees a particular billboard or the hotel we stayed at the first time. He still knows "sex" - the whole gamut of anticipation to the act to the afterglow - is supposed to be FUN. Our refusers forget how to have fun - and not even just in this department but with my Ex, he forgot all forms of fun even outside the bedroom. Good article! I think you have hit the nail right on the head. My wife seems to have forgotten how to have fun inside and outside the bedroom. Part of the reason I'm getting ready to head for the exits is that she just doesn't seem to understand that life is supposed to be lived. You can be a mature, responsible adult and have a zest for life. This. |
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Post by tamara68 on Dec 27, 2016 16:11:49 GMT -5
My stbx is the antidote for fun.
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Post by wom360 on Dec 27, 2016 19:26:12 GMT -5
Responsive desire is a deal breaker for me. Any woman I'm with in the future who claims this I will assume isn't that attracted to me and I'll dump her.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 27, 2016 19:42:08 GMT -5
My stbx is the antidote for fun.  This made me laugh. Mine too! But to speak to the article, sending that to a spouse would imply that there's actual dialog surrounding sex. Not in my SM! No dialog whatsoever. All dialog is systematically shut down. I do agree with the concept of scheduling though. There needs to be, at a minimum, weekly renewal of the marriage covenant. |
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Post by DryCreek on Dec 27, 2016 20:07:40 GMT -5
I liked the article in general. I have mixed feelings on scheduling sex.
I suppose this, like many of the "scented candle" solutions, has a prospect of working for couples who have a sex life that just needs a jump start. Where things are really dysfunctional, or one is asexual, it isn't so much a prospect of rekindling a flame, but rather rubbing salt in the wound. If sex can be enjoyed by both, this approach has a hope.
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Post by baza on Dec 27, 2016 20:09:55 GMT -5
There has been very little evidence over the years that 'scheduled sex' has any success in an ILIASM shithole environment.
But then again, there has been precious little evidence that ANYTHING has any success in an ILIASM shithole environment.
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It could well be a goer in a different environment, say a 'jaded' marriage, though.
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This made me laugh. Mine too!
