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Post by confused100 on Dec 27, 2016 1:50:03 GMT -5
Hello
I am new to this site so here is quick intro:
Going to be married for 14 yrs soon. Have 2 awesome kids and awesome husband who is a great dad and husband. He takes care of our kids and makes sure he gets me presents on occasions and helps me here and there in chores and kids.
What is lacking. Intimacy! Its been 3 yrs since the issue of him not wanting to have sex has started and its beeb over 2 months or more since we did it. It has come to the point where i feel like a slut asking him to come closer and he rejecting me. I have now lost hope that we will ever do it again .
So now, how do i come at peace with this. Will it take time and i will adjust or should i talk to a therapist. It is affecting my parenting. And i don't want that.
Divorce or cheating is not in my books. I hope he is not cheating on me but i kids ..... I want them to have a normal life of having both parents there for them.
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Post by baza on Dec 27, 2016 6:37:43 GMT -5
Talking to a therapist, for you (not a joint deal at this stage) might be very helpful for you to gain a bit of perspective on the situation.
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If that goes ok, then maybe - later - joint counselling might have some value, but what can be gotten out of joint counselling is limited to the contribution the least interested participant makes. If you have someone in a joint counselling situation who isn't actually engaged, there will be no value in it.
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A dysfunctional situation WILL affect the kids (as you have observed)
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Staying is a perfectly legitimate choice however.
Cheating is a perfectly legitimate choice too.
Leaving is no less legitimate than the other two.
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But at this point you reject cheating and leaving as potential choices.
You might wish to fully consider ALL the options before putting an arbitary line through any of them.
If there is anything you need in these situations, it is information about the 3 choices you've got, and an open mind about them.
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Post by brian on Dec 27, 2016 6:57:59 GMT -5
Welcome to the place none of us ever wanted to be. Many of our stories read the same as yours... my spouse is wonderful, except no sex. When the desires of the two individuals in a couple are vastly different, things begin to erode. What starts out as "I just want to be intimate/have sex" turns into "I want to feel wanted." Those feelings eat at you as you begin to realize that your partner doesn't care as much about your needs as you thought they did. At that point in time, all of the "everything is great except..." isn't as great as you thought and your mind starts to fill with doubt.
My advice, try to nip it in the bud now. Get it out in the open and address it head-on. I wish I had done that 20 years ago. Things would be different now -- either an improved marital situation or the freedom to find someone who makes me feel the way I want to feel. For your sanity, you need him to determine why he doesn't want to have sex with you. There could be a million reasons, far too many to explore in a single post, and only he has to ability to know, even if he doesn't yet know. If everything is as great as you believe it is, having this sensitive, baring-of-souls conversation should be possible. You will have to be open and vulnerable as the answer could be things such as:
-- he no longer finds you attractive
-- he feels sex is utilitarian only, so now that you have all of the children you want/need, sex is no longer necessary
-- he may be scared to have another child and doesn't want to risk an "accident"
-- he may be having an affair (emotional/physical/etc.)
-- he may be gay
... the list is nearly endless.
If he doesn't know, or tries to avoid the conversation, then counselling may be in order. He may refuse. Whichever way things go, the folks here know what you're going through and are here for you.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Dec 27, 2016 10:10:17 GMT -5
@confused1000 - welcome. This is a good site with very supportive people. We have a lot of differences in our stories but we are all here for the same reason: to help us cope. My coping took the form of initiating divorce and leaving. But I don't have kids with my Ex (he had 3 already when we married). And - my situation seemed like "everything's great bar the sex" but upon examination, that turned out not to be the case. The sexless status was definitely affecting my own well-being. I'd strongly urge you to see a therapist for yourself. If there is a way that you can accept the state of your marriage, then great. The therapist may be able to help you clarify what it is that is disconnecting (the physical lack of engagement is the tip of an iceberg, usually, and the real emotional disconnection is a huge root under the surface). Once clear for yourself, you likely will need to communicate to your H just how serious this is. Often, the refusing spouse seems to "not get" the gravity of the situation. Once out in the open for discussion - whether with a marriage/couple counselor or not - then you can decide whether his response to it is acceptable. Each step is a stand-alone issue, really. While divorce appears to be off the table currently, I'm with baza to not completely cross off any option without input from an external source (therapist). Read up on the stories posted here. Many of us arrive with "everything's great bar the sex" and are somewhat surprised later to find out that may not be entirely accurate. But each person is unique and so is each solution. I hope you are able to find your own path and I believe this forum can help! |
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 27, 2016 11:22:59 GMT -5
Welcome. I'm sorry you found yourself here. Going to a therapist is a great idea. Focus on yourself and the kids. Try to find happiness in whatever way you can because I know it's tough. I was married 23 years and I was faithful for 21 of them and my entire marriage was sexless basically once a month until year 12 then once a year. At your stage of marriage, year 14, I loved him, I desired him but I will tell you - add ten years of rejection and dysfunction and abuse creeps in then cheating and divorce don't sound so bad because you are crying everyday because you're lonely and ignored.
My advice is to seek individual therapy and get to a point with your H where you lay your cards on the table to your H and tell him that the marriage isn't going to get better without intimacy. What is his solution to the problem? And a once a year reset is not a solution. If he's not willing to sex once a week then he needs to know that your marriage is in crisis.
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Post by confused100 on Dec 27, 2016 11:49:49 GMT -5
Wow. Thank you for all the options. I am waiting for a therapist appointment. The reason cheating wont happen for me is because i feel like if my husband doesnot desire me who will. Lets see what my therapist says. I am definitely looking at depression pills also.  |
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 27, 2016 11:59:38 GMT -5
Wow. Thank you for all the options. I am waiting for a therapist appointment. The reason cheating wont happen for me is because i feel like if my husband doesnot desire me who will. Lets see what my therapist says. I am definitely looking at depression pills also. Oh honey I thought the same thing - what man would want me! I'm overweight and I was very depressed I would even think about suicide but I never went there because I have children. I didn't take any medication but I sought other outlets to detach my self worth from my H. Honestly before I cheated I started getting some attention from some of the baseball dads and it sort of gave me a little boost that I needed. I started exercising, lost a little weight, started outsourcing and planned to stay and cheat but there were too many other things wrong so I divorced. My AP made me feel so sexy and showed me how fun and exciting sex can be. I never had that! Do not think for a second that another man will not want you. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, personality goes a long way too. There's nothing sexier than a willing partner! |
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Post by cagedtiger on Dec 27, 2016 14:13:54 GMT -5
Wow. Thank you for all the options. I am waiting for a therapist appointment. The reason cheating wont happen for me is because i feel like if my husband doesnot desire me who will. Lets see what my therapist says. I am definitely looking at depression pills also. Oh, I'm so sorry. That's so very hard on being able to see yourself as desirable- we've all been there here. Remember, and a therapist will help reinforce this with you. There is nothing wrong with you. Nothing. At all. This is a problem your husband has, and nothing you can do will helpthat, until he realizes he has a problem and wants to help himself. I'm sorry you're here, but I hope you're able to find strength, encouragement, and support here. |
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Post by DryCreek on Dec 27, 2016 20:34:09 GMT -5
Wow. Thank you for all the options. I am waiting for a therapist appointment. The reason cheating wont happen for me is because i feel like if my husband doesnot desire me who will. Lets see what my therapist says. I am definitely looking at depression pills also. Could we all be a bit more attractive? Probably. Are there people who would love us as we are? Absolutely! I'm all for bettering myself, but I also came to realize that I'm desirable as I am, if I'm with the right person. I'm simultaneously better and worse than the young man my wife met 30 years ago - I can never again be 19 years old and 165 lbs with zero responsibilities. She might have legitimate reason to be disappointed in how I've changed, but that doesn't mean someone else wouldn't be very happy with "today's DryCreek". |
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Post by darktippedrose on Dec 28, 2016 3:40:57 GMT -5
I went to a therapist. He told me that my husband had anti-social personality disorder.
It helps to think of my husband as being sick, which he is.
I no longer go to the therapist because of transportation. I learned that he just wants to control and abuse me and now that I"m not so easy to manipulate, he is lashing out from time to time.
I learned that I am not crazy. That its ok to want sex and kisses and cuddles. I won't get them. But I am ok.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Dec 28, 2016 3:46:09 GMT -5
I went to a therapist. He told me that my husband had anti-social personality disorder. It helps to think of my husband as being sick, which he is. I no longer go to the therapist because of transportation. I learned that he just wants to control and abuse me and now that I"m not so easy to manipulate, he is lashing out from time to time. I learned that I am not crazy. That its ok to want sex and kisses and cuddles. I won't get them. But I am ok. Hi lovely. Do you think you will be able to leave one day? I often read your stuff but never feel qualified to offer any comments or advice because your man sounds really bloody scary to me. I think it's the religion stuff. I see him as this monster. I worry for you. X |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Dec 28, 2016 3:50:24 GMT -5
Wow. Thank you for all the options. I am waiting for a therapist appointment. The reason cheating wont happen for me is because i feel like if my husband doesnot desire me who will. Lets see what my therapist says. I am definitely looking at depression pills also. Hi there confused. Welcome. I too am about to commence therapy... god knows I need it! I also stated anti anxiety pills recently. They have somewhat chilled me. It's the assertiveness for me that needs upping. Please please remember that you only feel undesirable because you have been immersed in this little world he has created whereby you believe his opinion of you is the only correct one. ITS BULLSHIT His opinion of you counts for nothing. Zip. Zilch. The only opinion of you you should Concern yourself with is your own. Therapy will deffo help. Lots of love xxx |
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Post by lyn on Dec 28, 2016 11:44:57 GMT -5
Wow. Thank you for all the options. I am waiting for a therapist appointment. The reason cheating wont happen for me is because i feel like if my husband doesnot desire me who will. Lets see what my therapist says. I am definitely looking at depression pills also. What everyone is saying is so true confused100. I'm so sorry you've joined this group that nobody imagines being in, but, you will find some real support here and a ton of people who care about you and "get" what you're saying. He's crazy that he isn't having sex with you- it really is HIS problem that he's making YOUR problem. Our spouses are supposed to lift us up and help up us feel special and good about ourselves. Not the other way around. Try to pay attention to, put a stop to any negative self-talk. Change it to "I am an amazing, sexy woman, worthy of love - worthy of happiness". Go to that therapist and get him/her to help you clarify things for you. Huge step to going, btw. Don't forget - when you start thinking something bad about yourself start thinking about how amazing and worthy you are. Because YOU are! This is important and takes time but one day, it will come naturally. Trust me, there are men that would LOVE to have sex with you! |
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Post by shamwow on Dec 28, 2016 13:34:24 GMT -5
I get better looking every day. I am also a legend in my own mind  |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Dec 28, 2016 13:54:05 GMT -5
I get better looking every day. I am also a legend in my own mind Now this is what we're talking about  |
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