firefollower
Full Member
Only you can prevent forest fires
Posts: 154
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by firefollower on Jun 3, 2019 22:49:44 GMT -5
Thanks, baza. I think checking in with a lawyer would be a good idea. The money situation does make it very hard, and because my husband is very kind and loving, and I know we genuinely like each other. But I did bring a reasonable amount of money into the marriage before focusing full time on my art. I also love being an artist and feel vocationally like I am experiencing real joy, so it's a real catch 22. Do what you love vocationally in a platonic relationship with your best friend, but no sexual intimacy VS. Financially struggle and stop living a lie. I realize I could still make art and be on my own. However, I finally got him to admit that he feels no sexual desire for me. I told him this makes being in the marriage very painful because the more platonic closeness and love we have, the more I desire him. I feel like "how can you love me and know this is torturing me". There's a kind of passive aggressive sadism here I think. I also think he wants to be the good guy, and like maybe he wants me to be the one to leave. The 90 day grace period is an idea, however I have very little faith in even his desire to fix things. Yes, I agree with previous posts...I can't imagine a situation where you would be left destitute. You may have to get a job but maybe something related to your art passion. I know for me that I asked my wife to go back to work so she could show an ability to earn a living...part of my long term exit strategy.
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Post by esmerelda on Jun 4, 2019 9:55:08 GMT -5
These responses are really helpful. I do think my spouse really loves me. We talked seriously about me leaving, and he told me, "You are rich, you don't need to worry about it." Essentially, we do have a lot of money, through some inheritance, and he pretty much assured me that if i left I would be financially set, that I could still pursue my dreams. He is an exceedingly kind person and so I have no reason to doubt him. I do see in him an acknowledgement that I may really leave and he said he didn't want to lose me. I think he probably has low T, he's also on anti depressants, and he's almost 50. He drinks his fair share of beer so that's also probably a factor. But I do see in him a real desire to change, really for the first time. Reading books, actually making an appointment, these are things that have never happened before. He also is accepting responsibility for the first time. But I am afraid of having hope and afraid of not having hope. Part of me wants to pull away, to sleep in another room, to withhold affection. The other part of me, the compassionate side knows he is trying for the first time, and that he feels like a failure. He said at one point that he has never felt confident about himself as a sexual person.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jun 4, 2019 11:56:39 GMT -5
Hi @esmeralda Glad you found this place. Sorry that you had to look for it. Your relationship does seem to have a lot going for it. There is definitely value in that. You have received some great advice. I wont pile on too much. With regards to reigning back the affection. I do believe it is worth exploring. I have done it twice with different results. Not surenitnwill be relevant to you but FWIW. First time: I left the br with lots of resentment. This competely backfired in hindsight. It practically killed the relationship Second time: More recently, I started to check out, but with less resentment. No choice really. It was a self preservation move. I withdrew affection completely and moved to cohabiting mode. BUT I was still available emotionally. This has been an interesting experience with SO making an effort to reconnect with some light intimacy (handholding, arm in arm, walks together, mini dates). She is slowly reacting like its a wakeup call. Not sure if it will last but its a departure from where we were. I quoted my recent post below if you are interested in reading.
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Post by kristi on Jun 10, 2019 14:21:20 GMT -5
I'm Kristi and I'm in a sexless marriage.
We were trying to keep some kind of intimacy going but it's been months since we had actual intercourse and it's been getting more and more difficult to even get sexual pleasure time together at all.
We're dealing with an age difference. He is 62 and I'm 46, so there is the natural decline in sex drive guys go through and I'm not a young woman anymore and I'm obese so I'm not really attractive anymore. On top of that he's on heart medication that has loss of libido as a side effect so he has no drive and he has a bad back so it's also physically uncomfortable for him to have sex.
A week ago I had a crying breakdown over the stress from the lack of sex. He made an effort to try but even though he got me finished I wasn't able to get him finished. It was like once he was done doing what he had to for me his dick just died in my hand. This week I couldn't even get him to try.
This isn't a new thing it's been steadily growing worse for years. We had a short resurgence right after his heart attack because he was feeling much better after getting the stent put in but it only lasted a few months before the medications started taking it all away. I do think this is the end of that road now. He just can't do it anymore. I can't ask him to try anymore. It's come to a point it would just be cruel to both of us to persist.
I'm still in love with him. I'm just at the grieving stage right now.
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firefollower
Full Member
Only you can prevent forest fires
Posts: 154
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by firefollower on Jun 10, 2019 14:51:13 GMT -5
Welcome Kristi...I am still relatively new here but from your post you seem to have multiple issues. As for age and declining sex drive...sometimes, but I can tell you at 54 I am still raring to go. As for your looks, that is subjective and it really sounds like your low self-esteem talking (this can be the result of an SM). You have a lot of issues here but each one in solvable. The physical issues your H has can be managed...different medications, physical therapy for his back...etc. You can certainly try to ask him to get better...if he doesn't, that gives you information on how important it is to him.
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Post by hopingforachange on Jun 10, 2019 15:19:15 GMT -5
I'm Kristi and I'm in a sexless marriage. We were trying to keep some kind of intimacy going but it's been months since we had actual intercourse and it's been getting more and more difficult to even get sexual pleasure time together at all. We're dealing with an age difference. He is 62 and I'm 46, so there is the natural decline in sex drive guys go through and I'm not a young woman anymore and I'm obese so I'm not really attractive anymore. On top of that he's on heart medication that has loss of libido as a side effect so he has no drive and he has a bad back so it's also physically uncomfortable for him to have sex. A week ago I had a crying breakdown over the stress from the lack of sex. He made an effort to try but even though he got me finished I wasn't able to get him finished. It was like once he was done doing what he had to for me his dick just died in my hand. This week I couldn't even get him to try. This isn't a new thing it's been steadily growing worse for years. We had a short resurgence right after his heart attack because he was feeling much better after getting the stent put in but it only lasted a few months before the medications started taking it all away. I do think this is the end of that road now. He just can't do it anymore. I can't ask him to try anymore. It's come to a point it would just be cruel to both of us to persist. I'm still in love with him. I'm just at the grieving stage right now. Welcome, there's still ways to find physical intimacy even when the body can't. Will he use toys? While being penetrated by his penis provides the best feeling of intimacy, laying on your sides with him penetrating you with a dildo or vibrator is far better then nothing. Has he talked to his doctor about his libido and ED issues? It's not weak or make you less of a man to use medication. He takes meds for his heart, he can take meds for his dick. To me, it's less manly to not care for your partners needs. If my dick ever stops working, I have fingers, and a mouth to please my partner. Hell, I'd even rock a strap on to give the normal thrusting feeling.
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Post by baza on Jun 30, 2019 5:43:10 GMT -5
Welcome to the zoo Sister timedelay . Whatever you might be thinking of doing, there are members here wrestling with the same issue, or who have resolved the issue. It is a good resource, and might be able to help you craft your own resolution to this common problem.
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giggi
New Member
Posts: 1
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Post by giggi on Jul 1, 2019 5:21:58 GMT -5
Hi. Im 54 years old and care for my partner. We have a sexless relationship because i became sick and tired of being a receptical for him. He acepts that sex is no longer an option and i have moved into my own room. He is very unwell and i care for him daily but i feel old before my time. How did it come to this? If he would only talk to me and listen to me maybe we would have a chance but its like hitting my head against a brick wall. Im glad to find im not the only person suffering like this.
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Post by isthisit on Jul 1, 2019 8:00:17 GMT -5
Hi. Im 54 years old and care for my partner. We have a sexless relationship because i became sick and tired of being a receptical for him. He acepts that sex is no longer an option and i have moved into my own room. He is very unwell and i care for him daily but i feel old before my time. How did it come to this? If he would only talk to me and listen to me maybe we would have a chance but its like hitting my head against a brick wall. Im glad to find im not the only person suffering like this. Hello giggi I am sorry that you find yourself here and in these circumstances but you are very welcome. If you read around the site I am sure you will find resonance with your own experiences amongst some of our stories. I hope the forum is helpful to you in coming to terms with your situation thus far and informing your choices for the future. What you will find is that you do have choices, and doing nothing and maintaining the status quo is actually a choice, although it might not feel like this.
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Post by sadintexas on Jul 14, 2019 19:57:28 GMT -5
ILIASM Forum Home Profile Messages 1 Welcome sadintexas. Logout
« Welcome Married twenty years, sex maybe 4 times a year Think I posted this in the wrong forum the first time. Sorry!
I have no idea what going on. I met this charming, charismatic man when I was just 22 in 1999. He was 34. Sex was amazing. We had a child in 2001. I caught him cheating on me in 2005 when I walked into my home after a girls bunko night and he was in the guest room with someone I trusted. Our marriage was very rocky for about three years after that. We had been having sexual relation issues before then, him not me. I did gain some weight while pregnant but I lost most after and I always sexually desired him. Things were never the same after our son was born. I hated that I wanted him and would give anytime he touched me, although he would not do the same. When he was cheating on me with my friend that I caught him with (before I knew), I broke down crying one night when I tried to instigate and he turned me down. I asked him why. He literally shook it at me, still limp and told me it didn't work anymore. He had been diagnosed with a heart condition about a year prior so I attributed it to that. But he could get it up for other women and not me. I eventually caught him cheating several more times afterwards. But my spirit and confidence were broken and I was terrified if I left I would be alone for life. I'm an educated woman, great career, have always put him and our sons needs above mine and we both are well respected I'm our community, him being successful as well. He's been great as far as open communication and transparency since the last time I caught him in 2011. I think that's largely due to the fact that I decided to give home a dose of his own medicine, wrong or right. I filed for divorce after the 2011 incidence and began dating a prominent man in our community. He couldn't handle it and we reconciled five months later. We are now back to square one. He acts as though he's sleeping most times that I touch him. He maybe instigates 4 times a year, at most. I have no idea what to do. We do everything normal married couples do, except sex. We hold hands even if just watching TV, we kiss each other every morning and before going to bed, we say "I love you" when leaving or hanging up the phone, go on vacation, etc. But this sexless marriage is killing me. I'm what most people consider attractive 5'8", around 155 lbs, mid 40's, no gray hair (still natural Auburn), etc. I don't understand what he wants or is looking for. Why am I not enough and why can't I find the courage to leave?? Thanks for letting me vent.
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Post by Handy on Jul 14, 2019 20:16:58 GMT -5
I just lost a reply to you sadintexas . A short recap. You sound attractive enough ( attractive 5'8", around 155 lbs, mid 40's, ) so don't think you are the problem. As we often say it is him that has the problems when it comes to fuckability. Sex begins in the brain and a newish relationship often has what is called "new relationship energy (NRE) which leads to stronger erections for many men. Something similar can happen with women in a new relationship. Why you stay married to a serial cheater is something you need to figure out in individual counseling. We all know divorse is a difficult and sometimes expensive proposition. We are a fairly tollerant group. It might be slow on the week-ends so keep posting.
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Post by baza on Jul 14, 2019 20:18:08 GMT -5
ILIASM Forum Home Profile Messages 1 Welcome sadintexas. Logout « Welcome Married twenty years, sex maybe 4 times a year Think I posted this in the wrong forum the first time. Sorry! I have no idea what going on. I met this charming, charismatic man when I was just 22 in 1999. He was 34. Sex was amazing. We had a child in 2001. I caught him cheating on me in 2005 when I walked into my home after a girls bunko night and he was in the guest room with someone I trusted. Our marriage was very rocky for about three years after that. We had been having sexual relation issues before then, him not me. I did gain some weight while pregnant but I lost most after and I always sexually desired him. Things were never the same after our son was born. I hated that I wanted him and would give anytime he touched me, although he would not do the same. When he was cheating on me with my friend that I caught him with (before I knew), I broke down crying one night when I tried to instigate and he turned me down. I asked him why. He literally shook it at me, still limp and told me it didn't work anymore. He had been diagnosed with a heart condition about a year prior so I attributed it to that. But he could get it up for other women and not me. I eventually caught him cheating several more times afterwards. But my spirit and confidence were broken and I was terrified if I left I would be alone for life. I'm an educated woman, great career, have always put him and our sons needs above mine and we both are well respected I'm our community, him being successful as well. He's been great as far as open communication and transparency since the last time I caught him in 2011. I think that's largely due to the fact that I decided to give home a dose of his own medicine, wrong or right. I filed for divorce after the 2011 incidence and began dating a prominent man in our community. He couldn't handle it and we reconciled five months later. We are now back to square one. He acts as though he's sleeping most times that I touch him. He maybe instigates 4 times a year, at most. I have no idea what to do. We do everything normal married couples do, except sex. We hold hands even if just watching TV, we kiss each other every morning and before going to bed, we say "I love you" when leaving or hanging up the phone, go on vacation, etc. But this sexless marriage is killing me. I'm what most people consider attractive 5'8", around 155 lbs, mid 40's, no gray hair (still natural Auburn), etc. I don't understand what he wants or is looking for. Why am I not enough and why can't I find the courage to leave?? Thanks for letting me vent. Hello Sister sadintexas . I see you are just venting, so all I've got for you is a question - - back in 2011 when you filed for divorce, were you fully prepared to go through with it, or was it just a threat ? (in this group "threats" have a very poor record of success)
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Post by sadkat on Jul 14, 2019 20:33:59 GMT -5
sadintexas- I think your first step should be to talk to a therapist. I too had a very difficult time finding the strength to leave my marriage until after about 4 months of therapy. I realized I lacked the self worth I needed to truly understand what I wanted and needed out of a relationship/marriage. You need to find yourself again and a good therapist will help you do that. I know how scary it is making this first step but believe me when I tell you that it is vital for your mental health. Please also keep posting here- there’s lots of good support and advice from people who have either gone through or are still going through something similar. I’m sorry you’re struggling. Hugs to you!
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Post by saarinista on Jul 15, 2019 1:11:15 GMT -5
sadintexas Welcome . I'm sorry to hear of your sexless marriage. I'm struck reading you post by your focus on being "good enough" to attract your husband's interest. You're concerned about your appearance, about being successful and educated, and about putting other people's needs before your own. What I don't hear you asking is why he isn't holding up his end of the bargain? Why are you assuming that his sexual infidelity and failure are YOUR fault instead of resulting from something gone wrong in a relationship containing two people? Why do you think other's needs should come first? Could it be that he's come to a believe that he need not do anything because you'll do it for him? Could it be that he figures he's so important that your needs are inconsequential and only HIS needs matter? And sex aside, how is your relationship?
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Post by sadintexas on Jul 15, 2019 13:04:17 GMT -5
ILIASM Forum Home Profile Messages 1 Welcome sadintexas. Logout « Welcome Married twenty years, sex maybe 4 times a year Think I posted this in the wrong forum the first time. Sorry! I have no idea what going on. I met this charming, charismatic man when I was just 22 in 1999. He was 34. Sex was amazing. We had a child in 2001. I caught him cheating on me in 2005 when I walked into my home after a girls bunko night and he was in the guest room with someone I trusted. Our marriage was very rocky for about three years after that. We had been having sexual relation issues before then, him not me. I did gain some weight while pregnant but I lost most after and I always sexually desired him. Things were never the same after our son was born. I hated that I wanted him and would give anytime he touched me, although he would not do the same. When he was cheating on me with my friend that I caught him with (before I knew), I broke down crying one night when I tried to instigate and he turned me down. I asked him why. He literally shook it at me, still limp and told me it didn't work anymore. He had been diagnosed with a heart condition about a year prior so I attributed it to that. But he could get it up for other women and not me. I eventually caught him cheating several more times afterwards. But my spirit and confidence were broken and I was terrified if I left I would be alone for life. I'm an educated woman, great career, have always put him and our sons needs above mine and we both are well respected I'm our community, him being successful as well. He's been great as far as open communication and transparency since the last time I caught him in 2011. I think that's largely due to the fact that I decided to give home a dose of his own medicine, wrong or right. I filed for divorce after the 2011 incidence and began dating a prominent man in our community. He couldn't handle it and we reconciled five months later. We are now back to square one. He acts as though he's sleeping most times that I touch him. He maybe instigates 4 times a year, at most. I have no idea what to do. We do everything normal married couples do, except sex. We hold hands even if just watching TV, we kiss each other every morning and before going to bed, we say "I love you" when leaving or hanging up the phone, go on vacation, etc. But this sexless marriage is killing me. I'm what most people consider attractive 5'8", around 155 lbs, mid 40's, no gray hair (still natural Auburn), etc. I don't understand what he wants or is looking for. Why am I not enough and why can't I find the courage to leave?? Thanks for letting me vent. Hello Sister sadintexas . I see you are just venting, so all I've got for you is a question - - back in 2011 when you filed for divorce, were you fully prepared to go through with it, or was it just a threat ? (in this group "threats" have a very poor record of success) I was fully prepared. My son was 10 at the time and I guess I let the guilt of him not seeing his dad everyday play on me. So when my husband started talking about how much it would effect our son, I decided to try to work it out.
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