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Post by cassiopeia92 on May 11, 2019 14:54:18 GMT -5
I have been in a Sexless Marriage for almost 18 years. No sex at all since 2008.
My husband is a diabetic on an insulin pump, he has ED. The only thing that helps him is caverject where he injects himself into the side of his penis.
But we were unable to get any in the USA. Now we live in the UK we have it, at his suggestion, he said he wanted some kind of a sex life. But the stuff sat there for 3 months and when I finally told him nicely that upset me he got angry and nasty.
Its over. We are over. I dont mean the marriage because we are good companions, I havd saved his life 5 times during night time lows, I dont wany him to die and divorce would be financial disaster for us both.
But I miss feeling like a desired woman, I miss hand holding and cuddles and kissing. He cant even pay me compliments.
At the same time he has a porn addiction,has been sexting women and is slways paying compliments to other women.
I am 61. I am tired. Considering an fwb or affair.
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Post by worksforme2 on May 11, 2019 15:22:57 GMT -5
Welcome cassiopeia92....I don't understand why your H says he wants a sex life, went through the motions of getting the medication and then refuses to use it. You do seem to be a good companion for him, I'm not so sure I would say the same about him being good for you. Understandably you miss the closeness and intimacy that should come in a marriage. It seems cruel and crude for him to be sexting and complimenting other women while ignoring you. It's understandable that after 18yrs. you are tired of the crap he is dishing out and that you may be considering other avenues for your intimacy needs. Good luck.
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Post by northstarmom on May 11, 2019 16:20:43 GMT -5
casseopia said: "Its over. We are over. I dont mean the marriage because we are good companions, I havd saved his life 5 times during night time lows, I dont wanyt him to die and divorce would be financial disaster for us both."
Have you consulted with a lawyer and financial planner about what your finances would be like if there's a divorce
Do you know what your financial status would be if he predeceases you? Whether or not your divorce, your marriage will end some day because all relationships end in death or divorce. You even may predecease him.
I agree with Handy. You seem to have a lot to offer your husband. However, his using porn and not using the meds that would allow him to have sex with you indicate he is very selfish and certainly is not as caring about you as you are about him.
If you decide to proceed with an affair or FWB, it would be wise to find out how your financial and other rights if divorce results.
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Post by sadkat on May 11, 2019 17:35:00 GMT -5
cassiopeia92- Welcome. I’m sorry for the reason that finds you here. I too am a victim of porn addiction. I don’t believe that your husband’s ED is caused by his diabetes. If he is on an insulin pump, his blood sugar should be fairly well controlled and blood flow should not be an issue (unless, of course, he is not following his diet correctly and the insulin pump cannot keep up). I’m not a doctor so maybe I am off base. I have, however, done my research on porn addition. One of the common issues is ED. My h has ED as well and is blaming it on a disk issue. Of course, he will never admit there is a problem with his porn use. I have struggled with his addition and the resulting lack of sex for over 20 years. It does not get better- only worse. I am in the process of dismantling by 25 year marriage. I am 56. I have hope that I will have a sexually fulfilling relationship someday but I’ve also realized that I could not continue living the way I was- it affected me emotionally, physically, and mentally. My advice is to take a hard look at yourself- are you happy? Are you the person you want to be or do you find yourself getting annoyed at little things? Do you look forward to doing things you enjoy or are you finding yourself foregoing those things in favor of making your husband happy? You only have one life to live- is this the way you want to spend the remainder of it? Lastly, when you know there will be no more tomorrows, what will you be grateful for? What will you regret? If your answers to the questions are positive, then you should stay in the marriage. If they are negative, you owe it to yourself to get out.
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Post by cassiopeia92 on May 12, 2019 5:36:38 GMT -5
Wow sadkat thank you so much, you have given me a lot to think about. We have nothing financially, divorced people who have moved country twice and as an administrative assistant I earned more than him. Now he works, I dont. I feel like I will feel more miserable living in some place I hate with no money than how I am now. But its something to consider.
His blood sugars are bad because he is a brittle diabetic but he also cant seem to figure out how to change his pumps basal rate and hospital staff do that for him.
But you may be right that porn addiction is a big factor, nothing seems to excite him.
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Post by angeleyes65 on May 12, 2019 9:46:18 GMT -5
Welcome to the family!
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Post by angeleyes65 on May 12, 2019 9:59:18 GMT -5
@casseopeia92 I also had my marriage destroyed by pirn addiction the resulting ED. I lived many years in a sexless marriage finally started outsourcing and after many years of outsourcing I left my 34 year marriage. I'm 54 now 52 when I left. I will say looking back its more about the lack of caring for our soul than the sex. Had it been just ED and he was still loving and attentive and affectionate. And desired me it wouldn't have been a deal breaker. But the fact that he basically abandoned me to porn refused treatment and met none of my human needs in or out of bed made me an employee. A depressed one. Outsourcing really helped she while doing that I worked my exit plan. Paid off bills got him more self reliant saved money. Life is so much better. Even if you intend to stay get your life in order in case you change your mind or get caught. Best of luck to you!
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Post by Handy on May 12, 2019 20:37:51 GMT -5
Casseopeia92, it looks like you are fitting in here on ILIASM. Welcome to a great forum.
Handy from YUKU. Yes I am still 18 to 20 hours away by airplane.
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Post by heathcliff on May 27, 2019 5:58:48 GMT -5
Hi. Male making first post here. In a mostly Sexless Marriage for 20 years, completely sexless for over 4. Things have reached a point where I recently told her that am fine with her not having sex and I do not want sex with her if she does not want it. I am not sure what happens next. That's for another post.
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Post by angeleyes65 on May 27, 2019 7:29:30 GMT -5
Welcome to the club nobody wants to belong to. Most people feel this way eventually although only a few will admit it to their spouse. Curious what her reaction was?
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Post by heathcliff on May 27, 2019 8:06:07 GMT -5
Welcome to the club nobody wants to belong to. Most people feel this way eventually although only a few will admit it to their spouse. Curious what her reaction was? I will probably start a separate thread on this in the next day or two. I want to organize my thoughts, and don't want to tie up this thread.
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Post by esmerelda on Jun 3, 2019 2:32:40 GMT -5
I'm new. I have been mostly happily married for the last 17 years (we've been together 21 years), but with a waning, now almost non existent sex life. My husband and I are best friends, we laugh together, love spending time together, hold hands, cuddle, kiss, etc, but he has erectile dysfunction. He also doesn't like either giving or receiving oral sex. What has been maddening, though is that he has refused to do anything about it. He tried viagra and decided he didn't like it. I have now begged him to see a sex therapist, and he finally made an appointment. His side of things: he has extreme performance anxiety and overall hang ups about sex, and hasn't gotten help because of his shame over everything. My side of things: maybe he's just not attracted to me, and wants to save face by not outright "reject" me. For the first half of our relationship, sex wasn't a problem, we had it semi regularly, I did notice that he would sometimes get uptight during sex and pull back. However, a few things happened in our marriage and I became angry at him, he then would blame my anger for the lack of sex. We began this vicious cycle that he would be extremely passive about initiating sex, or passive during sex, and also withholding sex. For a while I would try to understand and not be angry, but over time my anger and resentment would build and build and I would just explode. Over the past ten years, I have asked him to just please tell me the truth, that he may love me, but doesn't desire me, and he just repeats that he loves me very much and cares about me. I love him so much, but feel like I'm acting like a fool, and just accept that nothing will change - that either sex isn't important to him, or he doesn't desire sex with me, or he doesn't want to change. He finally agreed to read some books and see a sex therapist, so I have some hope, but also feel like I'm being stupid for having hope. What's difficult is that I'm financially dependent on him right now. I'm an artist, and work freelance, and I also get health insurance through him. For me to leave, I would have to put aside this career and get a real job. I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave my best friend, I am finally finding real joy and success as an artist, I feel loved, but not desired. and I am so very sad and frustrated. Any feedback is welcome
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Post by baza on Jun 3, 2019 4:57:42 GMT -5
Welcome to the zoo Sister esmerelda . It sort of reads like if you could leave, you would leave .... and the pivotal thing that it swings on, is 'money'. Have you seen a lawyer yet, to establish how a divorce would shake out for you ? Possibly, you might find that you could come out of such a scenario in not bad financial shape. Or, you might find the exact opposite. But you would at least "know". And of course, "knowing" commits you to precisely nothing. You aren't obliged to do anything as a result of "knowing". All you'd be doing is checking out the perfectly valid "leaving" option. Meantime your spouse may or may not continue his treatment regime for his assorted issues, and he'll either be successful in this work, or he won't be. That's a matter out of your control. Perhaps running the clock on this is the way to go for you Sister esmerelda . If he's made some significant progress in say 90 days then there might be a case to make that things are on the improve. In which case you might extend a further period of grace to him. Potentially though, it appears hard and difficult choices are ahead of you. So it's important to establish how a divorce would shake out for you so you can make a fully informed choice. Good luck. These are very challenging situations we are (or have been) in.
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Post by esmerelda on Jun 3, 2019 7:10:05 GMT -5
Thanks, baza.
I think checking in with a lawyer would be a good idea. The money situation does make it very hard, and because my husband is very kind and loving, and I know we genuinely like each other. But I did bring a reasonable amount of money into the marriage before focusing full time on my art.
I also love being an artist and feel vocationally like I am experiencing real joy, so it's a real catch 22. Do what you love vocationally in a platonic relationship with your best friend, but no sexual intimacy VS. Financially struggle and stop living a lie. I realize I could still make art and be on my own.
However, I finally got him to admit that he feels no sexual desire for me. I told him this makes being in the marriage very painful because the more platonic closeness and love we have, the more I desire him. I feel like "how can you love me and know this is torturing me". There's a kind of passive aggressive sadism here I think. I also think he wants to be the good guy, and like maybe he wants me to be the one to leave.
The 90 day grace period is an idea, however I have very little faith in even his desire to fix things.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jun 3, 2019 19:12:48 GMT -5
Welcome Esmerelda.....Your relationship reads like it still has a lot of positive dimensions along with the bad aspect of sexless companionship. Your H still exhibits a # of signs that say he does care and does love you. A couple pieces of rational come to mind regarding your H's ED. Performance anxiety can easily be a self fulfilling fear. The more anxious he is about not being able to get and maintain an erection the more like that is to be the case. Other hang ups just add to the expectation of sure failure. If this is the case then he probably has conditioned himself to avoid desire for you in order to avoid another bad sexual experience. He may also had some hormonal issues with his testosterone. This could be due to a natural decline over the years or there are other reasons it could be low. Incomplete liver function can bring about low T levels. You should encourage him to have his hormones and liver checked. Low T means low desire. This along with the ED situation means no sex. But some of the problems may not be all his fault. Still if he loves you, he should be willing to get the tests done.
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