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Post by surfergirl on Jan 11, 2018 10:31:52 GMT -5
Hi everyone,
I was a virgin on my wedding night (and stayed a virgin through most of the honeymoon, depending on what counts).
It will be 21 years of the cycle this month: no sex for a couple months, I have a tantrum and issue threats, and then he obliges. He promises things will get better. I insist that he still has an obligation to take care of my needs even if he can't/won't perform. I swear. I am fucked up in the head to be this attractive and not getting laid for 20 years straight.
I stay for the kids. They hated me when I filed for divorce. When I filed for divorce last year, all of the sudden.... he wants to have sex.
The anger is not able to be put into words.
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Post by h on Jan 11, 2018 10:51:23 GMT -5
Hi surfergirl and welcome to the club that nobody wants to be a member of. I'm sorry you have the need to be here. I know what it's like to stay a virgin on your wedding night. I hope reading our stories and sharing your own helps you. |
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Post by hopingforachange on Jan 11, 2018 12:22:55 GMT -5
surfergirl he doesn't want to have sex with you, he wanted to keep you and he used the sex to control and keep you.
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Post by csl on Jan 11, 2018 13:26:01 GMT -5
"And I guess I've got to figure out what to do about it." Not really Brother jo . You are under no obligation to do anything whatsoever. Thing is, that if you DO decide to do something, it has to be decisive, and something you are prepared to carry out and follow through with, fully. Up to, and including putting the marriage on the line. If you are not prepared to push all your chips into the middle of the table and go "all in", there is no point in pretending you are. These are not situations where brinkmanship or bluff have any place. Anyway, welcome to the zoo and I hope you find some value out of the members contributions here. Amen, Brother Baza is right. Until the situation becomes intolerable, you will tolerate it. |
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Post by DryCreek on Jan 11, 2018 16:27:24 GMT -5
surfergirl, your expectations are very reasonable amongst the "sex" people here. Apparently not with our spouses. But I can share from personal experience that getting sex out of obligation robs it of joy; I tend to feel like none is a better option. That's not a battle worth "winning". And your kids... realize that they lack maturity to see the bigger picture, and they don't have the details to assess your position (nor should they); they're naturally going to focus selfishly on how it affects them. Appreciate that they have concerns, but it's not their decision. Yes, dating will be a challenge, but don't forget that H will have the kids often (he'd better!). This will give you kid-free opportunities to build a social life.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 11, 2018 16:46:55 GMT -5
I live in a small town, so the pool I'm fishing in is VERY SMALL. I can't move because of my business and kids.
So I'm likely blowing up my family in order to be alone.
Sometimes I think I'm crazy (like, clinically).
That's how desperate I feel. And it's all this huge secret. Nobody will see it coming: we are successful, all kids are straight A students, huge house, millionaires, get along GREAT (for real -- my husband and I are very good friends and business partners), attend church, respected, etc. This is so messed up.
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Post by hopingforachange on Jan 11, 2018 16:49:36 GMT -5
I live in a small town, so the pool I'm fishing in is VERY SMALL. I can't move because of my business and kids. So I'm likely blowing up my family in order to be alone. Sometimes I think I'm crazy (like, clinically). That's how desperate I feel. And it's all this huge secret. Nobody will see it coming: we are successful, all kids are straight A students, huge house, millionaires, get along GREAT (for real -- my husband and I are very good friends and business partners), etc. This is so messed up. You might want to start planting the seeds. The public image for me and my W looked perfect to. But, I've started letting people know there are cracks in the foundation. |
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 11, 2018 16:59:43 GMT -5
LOL...yeah, how do you think I landed the affair?  But alas, the affair partner is staying with his 20-something-year-old girlfriend. Which brought a host of other issues--- like, WHAT THE FUCK! He would choose a cute little thing over a smart, beautiful, successful woman his own age? It seriously has messed with my mind. I think my age and what this guy just did to me (choosing her over me) caused me to put on the brakes on my divorce proceedings and re-evaluate. Because if my competition is a 23-year-old unattached cute thing, I just don't know what to do with that. Sure, she's cute, but seriously..... I just got beat by a little girl who lives at home? Just....no words. Or, better yet -- why do I choose men who don't want me? What am I missing? |
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 11, 2018 17:53:33 GMT -5
I live in a small town, so the pool I'm fishing in is VERY SMALL. I can't move because of my business and kids. So I'm likely blowing up my family in order to be alone. Sometimes I think I'm crazy (like, clinically). That's how desperate I feel. And it's all this huge secret. Nobody will see it coming: we are successful, all kids are straight A students, huge house, millionaires, get along GREAT (for real -- my husband and I are very good friends and business partners), attend church, respected, etc. This is so messed up. There are other pools of fish. One potential AP I had was half an hour away, another an hour away. I know people that commute to work that far every day. Of all the women I conversed with, the one I fell for is over a thousand miles away. Fortunately, plane tickets are cheap. I get the "huge secret" thing, too. From the outside, we look like the perfect Christian home school family. I am ready to burn my finances and if needed my friendships to the ground over this. One friend that found out chastised me. In response, I asked how much pain a man would have to be in to look at everything I know I am losing and say, "it is worth it"? I never got a response back. Fortunately, my kids understand. I hope you can figure out what to say that will help yours understand, too. Choose your path carefully. I hope you find the forum helpful. |
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Post by h on Jan 11, 2018 18:03:09 GMT -5
I live in a small town, so the pool I'm fishing in is VERY SMALL. I can't move because of my business and kids. So I'm likely blowing up my family in order to be alone. Sometimes I think I'm crazy (like, clinically). That's how desperate I feel. And it's all this huge secret. Nobody will see it coming: we are successful, all kids are straight A students, huge house, millionaires, get along GREAT (for real -- my husband and I are very good friends and business partners), etc. This is so messed up. You might want to start planting the seeds. The public image for me and my W looked perfect to. But, I've started letting people know there are cracks in the foundation. I agree. surfergirl stop hiding it. You don't have to broadcast it but you can start letting some close friends and family know that there's trouble in paradise. It was the best feeling ever when I opened up to some of my close family. They were supportive and understanding. |
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 11, 2018 18:40:03 GMT -5
It's an open secret. "Everyone" knows. It's just not on my Facebook profile yet. (I keep my relationship status private.)
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Post by DryCreek on Jan 11, 2018 21:13:20 GMT -5
surfergirl, to be fair... if an attractive guy 10-15 years your junior was putting the moves on you, that might be a pretty crazy ego boost. Granted, you'd want different qualities than "hot, but still lives with mom". (Once upon a time, I was that guy for a single mom, and it was OMG amazing.) It's not about you. It's totally about him living an impossible dream of holding onto his youth and being attractive to a younger crowd. If it's any solace, it's all but certain to crash and burn after it flames out. Immaturity on the younger end (been there, totally f'd that up), and completely different life priorities on the older end. Clearly, you can attract a guy. This one just didn't have his head screwed on straight.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 11, 2018 21:40:16 GMT -5
DryCreek,
I'm thinking out loud here. A few years ago, an 18-year-old kid asked me out, and it WAS an ego boost for about 10 seconds. Then I told him how old I was and we all had a good laugh. But never in a MILLION years would I actually date a kid. I need great, stimulating, back-and-forth, push-and-pull conversation to be sexually attracted, and there's just no way that could ever happen with a guy two decades younger than me....
But point taken-- for a guy it's different. And also, "It's not about you." Thanks for that. Being in a sexless relationship my entire life, it is difficult not to think something is wrong with me. I know intellectually that I'm okay (social cues), but my behavior (staying and trying to "work on it") says otherwise.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 12, 2018 8:10:25 GMT -5
I live in a small town, so the pool I'm fishing in is VERY SMALL. I can't move because of my business and kids. So I'm likely blowing up my family in order to be alone. Sometimes I think I'm crazy (like, clinically). That's how desperate I feel. And it's all this huge secret. Nobody will see it coming: we are successful, all kids are straight A students, huge house, millionaires, get along GREAT (for real -- my husband and I are very good friends and business partners), attend church, respected, etc. This is so messed up. We have much in common, small town, ( south east coast surfer) kids, house, church, homeschool, straight A's, millionaires, and decades of a SM. I could go down several paths for you to discuss your needs and concerns, however I think the most important will be "YOU finding joy, peace and , strength in yourself". "Don't allow someone else to determine your self-worth" .That is so easy to say, and so hard to do!! My divorce is in 12 days, it took years to get there,and I have a long way towards my full restoration. Especially when you are a giver, married to a taker. It's beyond time to start receiving, and to feel the least bit selfish for having needs and desires. Sounds like you are recognizing "turning points" in your life and need to have them confirmed? This is a fine place for that. Even better is face to face. You need and deserve affirmation,and council on your decisions. A different church, a Divorce Recovery group near you, (I found mine on meetup.com) and what we call "zip code therapy" would all be to your benefit. You may be pleasantly surprised how many people right around the corner, or just a zip code away can help you, long term, and short term. Your family, (kids) may support you more than you think when they are exposed to more of the truth. My story along with others on here was a "mom (or in your case "dad") does that to us to". |
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 12, 2018 9:35:56 GMT -5
greatcoastal,
I have two homes -- one in Cocoa Beach, where I'm at now, but my "real" life is in another state. I didn't say that I homeschooled my kids, but it's interesting that you assumed that (and you are right). I don't anymore, because it was one of the steps I took to take care of myself.
My church has recognized my status and put "99% of the blame" (that was a quote) on my husband. Problem is that with my kids, it's reversed. We get along great, and so they don't understand or want their family broken up. They have NO IDEA about the sexless marriage, and I'm just unwilling to go there until they are adults and ask.
So, yes, it feels good to be validated. But it is also very very scary to drop a bomb on my kids like this. They've already voiced their STRONG opinions, and I wonder if I'd just be trading one set of problems (sexless marriage) for another (great kids going off the rails).
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