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Post by tamara68 on Dec 20, 2016 16:03:36 GMT -5
I had a busy day at work and in between I got some e-mails from my stbx again (I read stbx as 'stubborn x').
To be sure I get his e-mails he sends everything both to my personal as to my e-mail at work.
At least 10 times I have told him to get a lawyer and do something about providing an income for himself, but so far without any result.
The judge has told him to get a lawyer too.
But he keeps holding on to his stupid retarded ideas. Stbx keeps saying I am insane and influenced by feminist ideas of Susan Forward (http://iliasm.org/thread/787/emotional-blackmail)
That is his only explanation for my incomprehensible moving out. He still can't accept that divorce is inevitable.
I have not paid his rent for 3 months now and therefore the owner is going to sue us. If nothing happens he an my daughter will have to face forced eviction.
I have been thinking about offering to pay these 3 months rent on the condition that he starts doing something, ask for social wellfare. But my lawyer thinks that is risky.
In any case it is obvious that if I pay without any conditions, it won't change a thing. He will simply stay passive.
But I still feel bad about it.
If I wouldn't prevent him getting evicted, he says he and my daughter would go live with his father. He lives 300 km away and we haven't seen him in 14 years. I can't imagine that would work. But okay, better than being homeless. It would not be a reason for him to let my daughter stay with me. He is very clear about that. He really does everything he can to avoid contact between her and me.
MIL sent a mail too. I deleted this one after seeing the first sentence. I know the content without reading. I am a horrible person.
I felt totally drained today. I am fed up. I am going to try to not respond to anything until after Christmas.
According to my lawyer next week is still early enough to do anything about payments.
I find it very difficult to know what is best to do.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 20, 2016 16:52:55 GMT -5
Sure would like to see you get better advice from your lawyer on that one. In just a few sentences you could ask another attorney and see what they recommend.
Stubborn x = STBX. (LOVE IT!!!)
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Post by baza on Dec 20, 2016 18:24:17 GMT -5
It appears to be a case of "who is going to blink" here.
By not bankrolling him, the situation has been brought to the brink, though it has taken 3 months to do so.
You are in spitting distance of getting this thing resolved.
If you stick to your guns a great leap forward happens.
If you blink, and pay his rent, then you go backwards by 3 months.
My suggestion (unless your lawyer advises you to the contrary) is to stick to your guns. Don't blink.
You have the big stick (money) here. Keep hitting him on the head with that stick.
Just one more thing.
You refer to his landlord "is going to sue us".
Should that read "is going to sue him ?"
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Post by GeekGoddess on Dec 20, 2016 21:01:58 GMT -5
I don't think you should pay it. It doesn't seem right to pay it. I'm surprised the lawyer seems okay to let you think of offering.
I hope that your daughter can still go to the same school if she's moved to her fathers' father's place?
Wait. Definitely wait until after the holiday- but I hope you'll find the resolve to not pay it without a judge ordering you to.
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Post by tamara68 on Dec 21, 2016 4:43:03 GMT -5
Sure would like to see you get better advice from your lawyer on that one. In just a few sentences you could ask another attorney and see what they recommend. Stubborn x = STBX. (LOVE IT!!!) I might do that, but I have the impression my lawyer knows what he is saying. I just would have liked it if there was a more clear guideline in what to do. My lawyer says I don't have to pay, it is up to me. I am trying to find out what would be reasonable, the right thing to do. Be fair and of course my daughter is involved. |
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Post by tamara68 on Dec 21, 2016 4:54:16 GMT -5
It appears to be a case of "who is going to blink" here. By not bankrolling him, the situation has been brought to the brink, though it has taken 3 months to do so. You are in spitting distance of getting this thing resolved. If you stick to your guns a great leap forward happens. If you blink, and pay his rent, then you go backwards by 3 months. My suggestion (unless your lawyer advises you to the contrary) is to stick to your guns. Don't blink. You have the big stick (money) here. Keep hitting him on the head with that stick. Just one more thing. You refer to his landlord "is going to sue us". Should that read "is going to sue him ?" who is going to blink, that is what it feels like exactly. It doesn't feel as if anything is going to be resolved whatever I do. My lawyer advices me to not pay, but says I can do whatever I like. I am trying to think of what is fair. But it is true that if I pay 3 months rent it is a step backwards. I said the landlord is going to sue us. I did mean us. We have both signed the contract and both stay responsible. But since I live somewhere else, I won't have the problem myself of being evicted. The costs of eviction will be for us, so I suppose at least half of that for me. Our possessions would probably be stored somewhere or sold? I have no idea. I don't have a lot of things I am attached to. But I wouldn't like to see everything disappear either. And in particular I find it important that my daughter will keep her belongings. I was thinking that it would be fair if I paid half of the rent of the past three months. That would not be enough for solving it. But it would buy some time for stbx to do something. I was hoping that everything would become clear at the court meeting but that didn't happen. Next meeting is in February and this rent issue has to be dealt with before that. I will talk with my lawyer next week. Hopefully I can clear my head a bit before that. |
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Post by tamara68 on Dec 21, 2016 4:59:11 GMT -5
I don't think you should pay it. It doesn't seem right to pay it. I'm surprised the lawyer seems okay to let you think of offering. I hope that your daughter can still go to the same school if she's moved to her fathers' father's place? Wait. Definitely wait until after the holiday- but I hope you'll find the resolve to not pay it without a judge ordering you to. My lawyer does advice to not pay, but I am not so sure that is right. But there is no clear answer on what stbx is entitled to in the current situation. My FIL lives 300 km away, she would definitely have to go to a new school. I don't like the idea of her moving away so far at all. And I don't like the area where FIL lives either. Stbx would be satisfied if that would make it extra difficult for me to see my daughter. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 21, 2016 9:03:42 GMT -5
I don't think you should pay it. It doesn't seem right to pay it. I'm surprised the lawyer seems okay to let you think of offering. I hope that your daughter can still go to the same school if she's moved to her fathers' father's place? Wait. Definitely wait until after the holiday- but I hope you'll find the resolve to not pay it without a judge ordering you to. My lawyer does advice to not pay, but I am not so sure that is right. But there is no clear answer on what stbx is entitled to in the current situation. My FIL lives 300 km away, she would definitely have to go to a new school. I don't like the idea of her moving away so far at all. And I don't like the area where FIL lives either. Stbx would be satisfied if that would make it extra difficult for me to see my daughter. Can you work something out with the landlord? Explain your situation, offer to pay for the remaining time you need till your case is over, then have your ex evicted because he owes on the 3 months past due rent. It is money in the hands of the landlord, and the landlord does not have to start with a new tenant. Then the landlord is aware of the upcoming situation and can prepare for a new tenant. Wright on the bottom of your check exactly what months you are paying for. Or make your own little contract and get the landlord to sign it. Cover yourself. Hopefully they will appreciate your act of good will. |
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Post by csl on Dec 21, 2016 9:07:37 GMT -5
It appears to be a case of "who is going to blink" here. By not bankrolling him, the situation has been brought to the brink, though it has taken 3 months to do so. You are in spitting distance of getting this thing resolved. If you stick to your guns a great leap forward happens. If you blink, and pay his rent, then you go backwards by 3 months. My suggestion (unless your lawyer advises you to the contrary) is to stick to your guns. Don't blink. You have the big stick (money) here. Keep hitting him on the head with that stick. Just one more thing. You refer to his landlord "is going to sue us". Should that read "is going to sue him ?" who is going to blink, that is what it feels like exactly. It doesn't feel as if anything is going to be resolved whatever I do. My lawyer advices me to not pay, but says I can do whatever I like. I am trying to think of what is fair. But it is true that if I pay 3 months rent it is a step backwards. I said the landlord is going to sue us. I did mean us. We have both signed the contract and both stay responsible. But since I live somewhere else, I won't have the problem myself of being evicted. The costs of eviction will be for us, so I suppose at least half of that for me. Our possessions would probably be stored somewhere or sold? I have no idea. I don't have a lot of things I am attached to. But I wouldn't like to see everything disappear either. And in particular I find it important that my daughter will keep her belongings. I was thinking that it would be fair if I paid half of the rent of the past three months. That would not be enough for solving it. But it would buy some time for stbx to do something. I was hoping that everything would become clear at the court meeting but that didn't happen. Next meeting is in February and this rent issue has to be dealt with before that. I will talk with my lawyer next week. Hopefully I can clear my head a bit before that. You've moved but that doesn't preclude you from talking to the landlord. Maybe you could talk with him/her and arrange to buy back those things your daughter would like to keep after the eviction? |
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Post by tamara68 on Dec 21, 2016 9:15:33 GMT -5
Can you work something out with the landlord? Explain your situation, offer to pay for the remaining time you need till your case is over, then have your ex evicted because he owes on the 3 months past due rent. It is money in the hands of the landlord, and the landlord does not have to start with a new tenant. Then the landlord is aware of the upcoming situation and can prepare for a new tenant. Right on the bottom of your check exactly what months you are paying for. Or make your own little contract and get the landlord to sign it. Cover yourself. Hopefully they will appreciate your act of good will. Yes maybe, I have been thinking about something like that too. I have sent a letter to give notice, but the landlord (her lawyer that is) says she has nothing to do with our relational problems. I guess it is very likely that I will end up paying for these months rent anyway. I will ask my lawyer about possibilities. |
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Post by tamara68 on Dec 21, 2016 9:17:41 GMT -5
You've moved but that doesn't preclude you from talking to the landlord. Maybe you could talk with him/her and arrange to buy back those things your daughter would like to keep after the eviction? Yes I was thinking about something like that too. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 21, 2016 9:26:09 GMT -5
Can you work something out with the landlord? Explain your situation, offer to pay for the remaining time you need till your case is over, then have your ex evicted because he owes on the 3 months past due rent. It is money in the hands of the landlord, and the landlord does not have to start with a new tenant. Then the landlord is aware of the upcoming situation and can prepare for a new tenant. Right on the bottom of your check exactly what months you are paying for. Or make your own little contract and get the landlord to sign it. Cover yourself. Hopefully they will appreciate your act of good will. Yes maybe, I have been thinking about something like that too. I have sent a letter to give notice, but the landlord (her lawyer that is) says she has nothing to do with our relational problems. I guess it is very likely that I will end up paying for these months rent anyway. I will ask my lawyer about possibilities. Your landlord sounds like a refuser! No one asked her to get involved with your relationship! Jeesh!!! Being a landlord myself I have had situations where tenants need leeway, time, or lower rent. My contracts are written so that these things may occur with my "option " to impose penalties, late fees. I never do that. It's not needed. Make your offer, just speak money. If it's rejected, try to feel content that you went above and beyond to reach a fair agreement. The rest falls on the shoulders of your stubborn X. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Dec 21, 2016 9:26:49 GMT -5
tamara68 - I like the idea of paying half. You two adults are the ones on the lease. In a 50/50 fair split, half of the rent could or would be fairly considered your responsibility. If you think the divorce split would be more like 65/35 then I could see you paying 65% of the 3 months owed. Does he have ANY assets? I can't remember now. If he has any money, then he needs to let loose of SOME of it to help cover his own living expenses. Being generous is not rewarded in the settlements, a lot of times. I have a few regrets over how much generosity I showed in my leaving & splitting things up. It's not financially the way it ought to have been for me. I am not "broke" though and so I work on accepting that the speed to get out was the more important thing. I could see offering 65-67% of the 3 months (for your part + daughter's part). It could maybe buy enough time to get to the next hearing?
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Post by JonDoe on Dec 21, 2016 19:42:05 GMT -5
tamara68 Whatever you do, make sure the judge doesn't consider this abandonment on your part. I don't recall the full details, but if the primary earner moves out, stops paying the bills, and doesn't continue providing financial support, that would be considered abandonment in most jurisdictions barring any other significant circumstances.
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Post by baza on Dec 22, 2016 1:10:39 GMT -5
This doesn't help you at all Sister Tamara, but it is worthwhile information for newbies concerning co-signing anything with a stbx, or going guarantor for a stbx, or further financially entangling yourself with a stbx.
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