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Post by tamara68 on Dec 18, 2016 10:45:03 GMT -5
On Friday there was a hearing at court. For making agreements on several things until final divorce.
One of the things to be decided is where my daughter should live. As I had suspected, nothing has been decided yet.
However it was pretty clear that the judge and the prosecutor have concerns about my daughter. In my request I had asked for shared custody, but it was obvious that the judge had serious doubts about my stbx. That’s why my lawyer said he would going to change the request to full custody for me. But we wanted to show good will from my side with asking shared custody first.
My stbx still has no lawyer. The judge told him he needs one and if he doesn’t get his own lawyer now, he is going to force him to get a lawyer. I hope that stbx will get proper advice from his lawyer. It can’t be worse than what he is doing without one.
Next step is that my daughter is going to be heard by the judge in a few weeks. After that my lawyer will send a new request on my behalf and my husband’s lawyer sends a response with his requests to respond to mine. On 10 feb. (on our wedding anniversary!), we will go to court again and then hopefully some decisions will be made.
In the meantime youth care will get involved, I hope this will help to find a way to solve things.
Yesterday my daughter has sent me an e-mail to say that she doesn’t want to live with me and if she would be forced, she wouldn’t do anything about her study anymore until she is back with her dad.
This response doesn’t surprise me. It is clear who dictated those words, but I am very worried about how my daughter is caught in this situation. I hope things can be changed. A lot is going to happen, that is for sure.
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Post by obobfla on Dec 18, 2016 10:56:28 GMT -5
Please, if you can handle it, go for full custody! Your stbx is too manipulative and arrogant to raise a child by himself. The fact that he shows up to court without a lawyer proves it. It's like saying you don't need a gun to go to war. Your daughter sounds like she will need help. Hopefully youth care can't help.
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Post by tamara68 on Dec 18, 2016 11:01:13 GMT -5
Please, if you can handle it, go for full custody! Your stbx is too manipulative and arrogant to raise a child by himself. The fact that he shows up to court without a lawyer proves it. It's like saying you don't need a gun to go to war. Your daughter sounds like she will need help. Hopefully youth care can't help. Yes I am going for that now, but she is nearly 16. Even if I get full custody, it will be hard to reinforce that. I have noticed both my lawyer and judge are skeptical about that. I am going to start with counseling myself, hopefully that will help to make good decisions on how to respond to everything. |
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Post by csl on Dec 18, 2016 21:44:20 GMT -5
On Friday there was a hearing at court. For making agreements on several things until final divorce. One of the things to be decided is where my daughter should live. As I had suspected, nothing has been decided yet. However it was pretty clear that the judge and the prosecutor have concerns about my daughter. In my request I had asked for shared custody, but it was obvious that the judge had serious doubts about my stbx. That’s why my lawyer said he would going to change the request to full custody for me. But we wanted to show good will from my side with asking shared custody first. My stbx still has no lawyer. The judge told him he needs one and if he doesn’t get his own lawyer now, he is going to force him to get a lawyer. I hope that stbx will get proper advice from his lawyer. It can’t be worse than what he is doing without one. Next step is that my daughter is going to be heard by the judge in a few weeks. After that my lawyer will send a new request on my behalf and my husband’s lawyer sends a response with his requests to respond to mine. On 10 feb. (on our wedding anniversary!), we will go to court again and then hopefully some decisions will be made. In the meantime youth care will get involved, I hope this will help to find a way to solve things. Yesterday my daughter has sent me an e-mail to say that she doesn’t want to live with me and if she would be forced, she wouldn’t do anything about her study anymore until she is back with her dad. This response doesn’t surprise me. It is clear who dictated those words, but I am very worried about how my daughter is caught in this situation. I hope things can be changed. A lot is going to happen, that is for sure. I hope I'm just being Captain Obvious here, but be sure to forward a copy of your daughter's email to you lawyer. He might want it for the repetitioning. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2016 22:39:01 GMT -5
It amazes me the difference in divorce proceeding from country to country. Living here in the States I have been listening to one of my best friends going through his divorce in Washington State, my sister went through her divorce in England last year as well another friend in Australia and now Tamara story. And the rules seem to be different in each. From what I have heard overall American actually has the simplest and fairest, if you can use that word in divorce. And I am sure people who have been divorced here might disagree but Europe seem to throw up weird archaic rules in divorce?
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2016 17:52:39 GMT -5
It amazes me the difference in divorce proceeding from country to country. Living here in the States I have been listening to one of my best friends going through his divorce in Washington State, my sister went through her divorce in England last year as well another friend in Australia and now Tamara story. And the rules seem to be different in each. From what I have heard overall American actually has the simplest and fairest, if you can use that word in divorce. And I am sure people who have been divorced here might disagree but Europe seem to throw up weird archaic rules in divorce? Tell me about it...! But the truth is Celt, that it's not a matter of legislation, rather than of people who are divorcing. Had we been married to normal, reasonable people, divorce shouldn't have to be so hard. In mutual understanding, it takes in our legislation on average 3 months, it took mine more than two years! Yes you are so right. From the people I know who divorce the worst ones are the spouse that do nothing. Won't move, get a lawyer, sign anything deal with paperwork, answer court docs or turn up .... my sisters divorce dragged on three year because of his (passive aggressive) do nothing stance. |
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Court
Dec 20, 2016 4:20:02 GMT -5
Post by tamara68 on Dec 20, 2016 4:20:02 GMT -5
I hope I'm just being Captain Obvious here, but be sure to forward a copy of your daughter's email to you lawyer. He might want it for the repetitioning. Yes I did, I forward everything to my lawyer. |
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Post by tamara68 on Dec 20, 2016 4:21:44 GMT -5
It amazes me the difference in divorce proceeding from country to country. Living here in the States I have been listening to one of my best friends going through his divorce in Washington State, my sister went through her divorce in England last year as well another friend in Australia and now Tamara story. And the rules seem to be different in each. From what I have heard overall American actually has the simplest and fairest, if you can use that word in divorce. And I am sure people who have been divorced here might disagree but Europe seem to throw up weird archaic rules in divorce? Belgium has several archaic rules, but divorce can be very easy here if both partners agree. There is a no fault policy here, so that should make things easier. But with someone like my stbx nothing will ever be easy. |
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Post by petrushka on Dec 20, 2016 5:40:34 GMT -5
When I went through my divorce there was this: you have to be separated for a year before the divorce will go through the family court. It was amicable. We had to have a lawyer each, and between us and the lawyers had to thresh out a separation of assets to submit to the family court. Once the agreement was reached, we were both pretty
much free to do whatever - no further liability was incurred for instance.
Why the wait? I don't really know. Maybe someone thought the divorcing couple might change their minds? How naive .... but as we all know: the law's an ass quite frequently (that is ass == donkey, not arse)
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Post by baza on Dec 23, 2016 0:59:59 GMT -5
Your daughter, like all of us, is subject to the immutable life law of choice.
No-one gets a pass on this.
Not even the young, the naive, the clue-less.
If she stays with her idiot father, when there is an alternative available, that's her choice, as will be the consequences of that choice.
It'a hard, it's harsh, it's heartless, but it's true.
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If the authorities determine that she has to live with you, and she then chooses to abandon her studies, that would be her choice again, and the consequences of it would likewise be on her.
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Young people are not reknown for making good choices. (hell, neither are old people really !!!)
But, unfortunately, no-one gets a pass on their choices or the consequences that ensue from them.
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Sister Tamara, it's a shit of a position you are in, stuck in the middle as it were, but you can't make your idiot spouses choices for him, nor can you make your daughters choices for her. Nor can you shield either of them from the consequences of their choices.
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Court
Dec 23, 2016 6:06:14 GMT -5
Post by tamara68 on Dec 23, 2016 6:06:14 GMT -5
When I went through my divorce there was this: you have to be separated for a year before the divorce will go through the family court. It was amicable. We had to have a lawyer each, and between us and the lawyers had to thresh out a separation of assets to submit to the family court. Once the agreement was reached, we were both pretty much free to do whatever - no further liability was incurred for instance. Why the wait? I don't really know. Maybe someone thought the divorcing couple might change their minds? How naive .... but as we all know: the law's an ass quite frequently (that is ass == donkey, not arse) Here it takes a year if not both spouses agree to divorce, otherwise it would have been over by now. |
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Post by tamara68 on Dec 23, 2016 6:08:13 GMT -5
Young people are not reknown for making good choices. (hell, neither are old people really !!!) But, unfortunately, no-one gets a pass on their choices or the consequences that ensue from them. - Sister Tamara, it's a shit of a position you are in, stuck in the middle as it were, but you can't make your idiot spouses choices for him, nor can you make your daughters choices for her. Nor can you shield either of them from the consequences of their choices. I wish I could shield them, and especially my daughter. But I can't do very much about that. |
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Post by Pinkberry on Dec 31, 2016 18:32:42 GMT -5
Please, if you can handle it, go for full custody! Your stbx is too manipulative and arrogant to raise a child by himself. The fact that he shows up to court without a lawyer proves it. It's like saying you don't need a gun to go to war. Your daughter sounds like she will need help. Hopefully youth care can't help. Yes I am going for that now, but she is nearly 16. Even if I get full custody, it will be hard to reinforce that. I have noticed both my lawyer and judge are skeptical about that. I am going to start with counseling myself, hopefully that will help to make good decisions on how to respond to everything. Get her in counseling NOW!!! You should absolutely go yourself, and sign up for parenting classes as soon as possible. Anything by a qualified mental health practitioner, preferably suited to children of divorce in her age group. If you find a good therapist for her, ask for class recommendations. You need to be proactive, and your daughter needs some support. I'd also be sure that whatever therapist you select for your daughter will do some family sessions with you and her, with your STBX and her, and with all three of you. Of course, you can't require your STBX to go, but you want the option available. The reason you need to be able to go in together is so that the therapist can tease out details of why she would rather be with your ex and why she feels that tanking her grades would punish you in some way or change the situation. Best of luck! |
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Post by tamara68 on Dec 31, 2016 19:04:50 GMT -5
Yes I am going for that now, but she is nearly 16. Even if I get full custody, it will be hard to reinforce that. I have noticed both my lawyer and judge are skeptical about that. I am going to start with counseling myself, hopefully that will help to make good decisions on how to respond to everything. Get her in counseling NOW!!! You should absolutely go yourself, and sign up for parenting classes as soon as possible. Anything by a qualified mental health practitioner, preferably suited to children of divorce in her age group. If you find a good therapist for her, ask for class recommendations. You need to be proactive, and your daughter needs some support. I'd also be sure that whatever therapist you select for your daughter will do some family sessions with you and her, with your STBX and her, and with all three of you. Of course, you can't require your STBX to go, but you want the option available. The reason you need to be able to go in together is so that the therapist can tease out details of why she would rather be with your ex and why she feels that tanking her grades would punish you in some way or change the situation. Best of luck! I want her in counseling, but it is impossible to do so now. She still lives with her dad and I don't see her. I have suggested it before, but my stbx doesn't want that and my daughter doesn't do anything against his wishes. I have started counseling myself. There is a reasonable chance that the judge will decide she has to live with me. She can get counseling than. My stbx will never ever agree to do any form of counseling and all three of us is not going to happen. Even if he would do so, I don't think anything good could come from that. He is convinced he knows everything better than anyone and he has the best moral code of everyone. I am bad and he is good. As simple as that. |
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Court
Dec 31, 2016 19:07:45 GMT -5
Post by Pinkberry on Dec 31, 2016 19:07:45 GMT -5
Get her in counseling NOW!!! You should absolutely go yourself, and sign up for parenting classes as soon as possible. Anything by a qualified mental health practitioner, preferably suited to children of divorce in her age group. If you find a good therapist for her, ask for class recommendations. You need to be proactive, and your daughter needs some support. I'd also be sure that whatever therapist you select for your daughter will do some family sessions with you and her, with your STBX and her, and with all three of you. Of course, you can't require your STBX to go, but you want the option available. The reason you need to be able to go in together is so that the therapist can tease out details of why she would rather be with your ex and why she feels that tanking her grades would punish you in some way or change the situation. Best of luck! I want her in counseling, but it is impossible to do so now. She still lives with her dad and I don't see her. I have suggested it before, but my stbx doesn't want that and my daughter doesn't do anything against his wishes. I have started counseling myself. There is a reasonable chance that the judge will decide she has to live with me. She can get counseling than. My stbx will never ever agree to do any form of counseling and all three of us is not going to happen. Even if he would do so, I don't think anything good could come from that. He is convinced he knows everything better than anyone and he has the best moral code of everyone. I am bad and he is good. As simple as that. I was confused based on your original post. If I may ask, why is it that you don't see her at all? |
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