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Post by southerngirl on Dec 15, 2016 9:14:59 GMT -5
As a relative newbie around here - I see the value of coming here to vent and "say" all the things you wish you could say there. It's healthy to release all the pent up UGH. Just wanted to chime in and say good for you for saying it here - and not there. Glad to see the STBX is a STBX. Ah - relief is in sight. Bite your tongue there, spew it here and do the best you can to keep the kids as safe and out-of-the-messy-stuff as you can, which you are. Good for you.
I'm curious. Why are you still there? Will you end up with the house? Will She? Will it be sold? I know a few homeless shelters that have more love in them that that horribly toxic environment. I hope the process goes quickly for you and for the kids. You got some bad juju in that place.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 15, 2016 10:51:52 GMT -5
As a relative newbie around here - I see the value of coming here to vent and "say" all the things you wish you could say there. It's healthy to release all the pent up UGH. Just wanted to chime in and say good for you for saying it here - and not there. Glad to see the STBX is a STBX. Ah - relief is in sight. Bite your tongue there, spew it here and do the best you can to keep the kids as safe and out-of-the-messy-stuff as you can, which you are. Good for you. I'm curious. Why are you still there? Will you end up with the house? Will She? Will it be sold? I know a few homeless shelters that have more love in them that that horribly toxic environment. I hope the process goes quickly for you and for the kids. You got some bad juju in that place. It is great to come here! And there would be nothing wrong with hearing some, "I do all the decorating for years, and never hear a thank you. Or," guess who does all the shopping, and cooking, who puts up with all the out-laws, and then gets criticized." Why am I still here? To put in a sentence or two. Money. "Do not leave the house", was the first thing an attorney told me. You will loose everything. We have more than a house to decide on who gets what. As my attorney says about my STBX, "this is going to be way over-litigated". That's why I am hiring a forensic accountant tomorrow. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Dec 15, 2016 11:07:47 GMT -5
GC - if it's possible after a calming meditation, I would try turning it around on them.
Thank FIL for taking the boys to get a tree for this year. It makes a nice breaker or milestone for new traditions. It means I can keep my big tree packed in the shed, so it's easier to ship it when we are moving (or mark as "my pile" when she moves).
Also - I would put up the aspirations outside. It's not a lie - those are GOALS, and worthy ones.
And do keep in touch with why you are angry - anger covers fear & hurt feelings. It should hurt when we are treated as an afterthought or a thing. The anger & hurt is our spirit telling us to remake our world into a healthy living arrangement- and you ARE taking the steps to do that.
Google the "fuck that" meditation if you can.
See if any of the kids are willing to work a Christmas soup kitchen with you or help you take canned goods to a food pantry (though: $ may make that a no-go this year).
Please volunteer a day to your widow neighbor before she asks. I'm pretty sure she would like the offer even if she declines it & if she says yes, you will get great joy from that.
Stay resilient, brother.
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Post by nancyb on Dec 15, 2016 11:30:34 GMT -5
As a relative newbie around here - I see the value of coming here to vent and "say" all the things you wish you could say there. It's healthy to release all the pent up UGH. Just wanted to chime in and say good for you for saying it here - and not there. Glad to see the STBX is a STBX. Ah - relief is in sight. Bite your tongue there, spew it here and do the best you can to keep the kids as safe and out-of-the-messy-stuff as you can, which you are. Good for you. I'm curious. Why are you still there? Will you end up with the house? Will She? Will it be sold? I know a few homeless shelters that have more love in them that that horribly toxic environment. I hope the process goes quickly for you and for the kids. You got some bad juju in that place. I'm glad I've got internet access here at the Centre for Wayward Women. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 15, 2016 11:57:35 GMT -5
To me it sounds like your winning. Taking the high road and not engaging is the best "offense" against someone who's self involved and manipulative. And in the end down the road your kids will see your sacrifice as they mature. As for the tree you have no control in your life right now and that was your thing you had control over and what you did this time of year so it hurts when even that is taken away. Let it go. Next Christmas you will be free
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Post by nancyb on Dec 15, 2016 12:15:26 GMT -5
GC: To Christmas 2017....cause this one's not the greatest here either.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 16, 2016 23:00:56 GMT -5
GC - if it's possible after a calming meditation, I would try turning it around on them. Thank FIL for taking the boys to get a tree for this year. It makes a nice breaker or milestone for new traditions. It means I can keep my big tree packed in the shed, so it's easier to ship it when we are moving (or mark as "my pile" when she moves). Also - I would put up the aspirations outside. It's not a lie - those are GOALS, and worthy ones. And do keep in touch with why you are angry - anger covers fear & hurt feelings. It should hurt when we are treated as an afterthought or a thing. The anger & hurt is our spirit telling us to remake our world into a healthy living arrangement- and you ARE taking the steps to do that. Google the "fuck that" meditation if you can. See if any of the kids are willing to work a Christmas soup kitchen with you or help you take canned goods to a food pantry (though: $ may make that a no-go this year). Please volunteer a day to your widow neighbor before she asks. I'm pretty sure she would like the offer even if she declines it & if she says yes, you will get great joy from that. Stay resilient, brother. The big tree is still in the shed. My oldest son helped me carry out the signs and put them up in the front yard. (he amazes me how he can walk barefoot across all those acorns! All my kids stay barefoot here in Florida, they like it that way!) Our neighbor spotted us and said, "yeay, your putting out the signs, good for you!" (she knows my story) I gave the signs a fresh coat of paint too. You can see them from one end of the street to the other, we live in the middle on a curve. Just me, a man, even mentioning the word "anger" makes me out to be a child molester, in today's world. Men aren't allowed to be hurt, just brush that aside. My daughter and I have a list, and several grocery bags to fill this weekend, to donate to the homeless. Our church collects and gives out, thousands of bags of groceries this time of year. Last night the fire alarm went off at the widows house next door. There was no fire, she's okay. Me and the kids were there for her, and the firetruck. No other neighbors show up. My daughter is on crutches again, but she went right over there, she's a BIG giver! Then there's my STBX,she decided to go visit her sister for the weekend. Leaving me with her responsability, of weekend cooking, again. A bill in the mail to me for my life insurance policy, that her income has always covered, and is supposed to continue covering until the divorce is final. My daughters are ticked because their mother had promised to dye their hair for them this weekend. So I offered to do it for them. I'm sure we will have a memorable time. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 18, 2016 10:57:33 GMT -5
I feel for you greatcoastal . The stress sounds like it is at an all time high. I agree with Baza that it is a stressful time of year anyway for most people and with everything going on in your house, it has to be almost unbearable. The good news is this IS temporary. This chapter will be coming to an end shortly and your next chapter will begin. This time next year you will NOT have your STBX controlling every move. You will NOT have your FIL (9 years?!) intruding in your life. You will NOT have the unhealthy dynamic that is currently your world. Take peace in that and try to be the duck. Let this roll off your back. Focus on the children and the beauty of the season and remember, you are almost out. Forget anger and resentment. You should be walking around with a Cheshire grin on your face whistling zip-a-dee-do-da! Don't give her a reason this year to "shield the boys from their angry father" but instead have everyone wondering... Why is daddy so fricken happy?! That is an admirable goal! My daughter came in the room earlier wearing a beige shirt. She said "this is the closest Christmas looking thing I own." ( it's also going to be 85 degrees today) I told her, " I have not gotten you a gift yet, (still dealing with the finance questions) lets go to the store together today, and find you something" She likes that! My FIL invited me to the "family Christmas dinner" that is in the making. Part of me says: you have known these people for 26 yrs, you should go. You have seen them have children, grand children, great grandchildren, you should go. You have been to their brother and sisters funerals, you should go. You have been to their weddings, they were in yours, you should go. You have been to all of their houses, you should go. You get along with the men, they will speak with you, you should go. You will have less negativity cast upon you in the future, you should go. Your kids will speak to you while you are there, you should go. You will be showing that you are not the manipulative, can't be trusted with anything one person, you should go. You may be able to share your side of things in private, and receive affirmation, you should go. The other side of me says: Wait for your STBX to invite you. She continues to detach herself, it won't happen. Just stay home and enjoy not having to be her trophy, sitting in the corner. Let the children see how mom does this crap without including him, and they feel like they were all dragged along to be shown off as well. The last thing I want, is to be around her devious sister ,who helps fuel this whole detach, move money, he is less than helpful to you, concept! Why spend anytime with someone who is so detached. |
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Post by becca on Dec 18, 2016 18:35:27 GMT -5
I feel for you greatcoastal . The stress sounds like it is at an all time high. I agree with Baza that it is a stressful time of year anyway for most people and with everything going on in your house, it has to be almost unbearable. The good news is this IS temporary. This chapter will be coming to an end shortly and your next chapter will begin. This time next year you will NOT have your STBX controlling every move. You will NOT have your FIL (9 years?!) intruding in your life. You will NOT have the unhealthy dynamic that is currently your world. Take peace in that and try to be the duck. Let this roll off your back. Focus on the children and the beauty of the season and remember, you are almost out. Forget anger and resentment. You should be walking around with a Cheshire grin on your face whistling zip-a-dee-do-da! Don't give her a reason this year to "shield the boys from their angry father" but instead have everyone wondering... Why is daddy so fricken happy?! That is an admirable goal! My daughter came in the room earlier wearing a beige shirt. She said "this is the closest Christmas looking thing I own." ( it's also going to be 85 degrees today) I told her, " I have not gotten you a gift yet, (still dealing with the finance questions) lets go to the store together today, and find you something" She likes that! My FIL invited me to the "family Christmas dinner" that is in the making. Part of me says: you have known these people for 26 yrs, you should go. You have seen them have children, grand children, great grandchildren, you should go. You have been to there brother and sisters funerals, you should go. You have been to there weddings, they were in yours, you should go. You have been to all of there houses, you should go. You get along with the men, they will speak with you, you should go. You will have less negativity cast upon you in the future, you should go. Your kids will speak to you while you are there, you should go. You will be showing that you are not the manipulative, can't be trusted with anything one, you should go. You may be able to share your side of things in private, and receive affirmation, you should go. The other side of me says: Wait for your STBX to invite you. She continues to detach herself, it won't happen. Just stay home and enjoy not having to be her trophy, sitting in the corner. Let the children see how mom does this crap without including him, and they feel like they were all dragged along to be shown off as well. The last thing I want is to be around her devious sister who helps fuel this whole detach, move money, he is less than helpful to you, concept! Why spend anytime with someone who is so detached. Christmas, Family and friends...it can all be so stressful. I just went to a Christmas party last night and H was there. Almost nobody at the party knew I had moved out. The evening was fine but by the end I was cracking around the edges and when he walked with me out to the car and I couldn't find my keys, I turned into a crazy woman throwing things out of my handbag looking for them. I was moody and short-tempered and I just wanted to be anywhere but there. What on earth?? It had been a pleasant evening and I spent time with friends I don't see that often but it also meant wearing the mask again and playing the game of "all is well in my world". I just can't do that any longer. Hopefully at your family Christmas dinner, everyone knows the situation and you will have the opportunity to receive some affirmation and enjoy your children and family. But if you opt not to go, I completely understand that too. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 18, 2016 19:07:41 GMT -5
Christmas, Family and friends...it can all be so stressful. I just went to a Christmas party last night and H was there. Almost nobody at the party knew I had moved out. The evening was fine but by the end I was cracking around the edges and when he walked with me out to the car and I couldn't find my keys, I turned into a crazy woman throwing things out of my handbag looking for them. I was moody and short-tempered and I just wanted to be anywhere but there. What on earth?? It had been a pleasant evening and I spent time with friends I don't see that often but it also meant wearing the mask again and playing the game of "all is well in my world". I just can't do that any longer. Hopefully at your family Christmas dinner, everyone knows the situation and you will have the opportunity to receive some affirmation and enjoy your children and family. But if you opt not to go, I completely understand that too. It is great to hear a confirming, "you are not alone, and yea, it's crazy isn't it!" My STBX went off to spend a weekend with her intruding ,divorce coaching sister. Having her gone for the weekend was very relaxing. The tenseness, knowing she will be coming in the door, any minute, and how many days she will be home from work on Christmas vacation! All the kids who are driving needed to be somewhere, so I stay home. I give, like always, put the family ahead of me. Put myself last.While my STBX is off with her car, and I cook dinner, cut his food, serve his plate, walk him in the dark, for their daddy! Fortunately he is a giver, and is thankful. The mask again. Playing the part of "all is well, one big happy family" will be expected of me and the kids. As the clock ticks the tension builds. Who is getting what for whom? What have you heard? Who isn't buying anything for anyone, because they owe mom money. Who only wants a big expensive gift that no one can get them? Crazy! I am so burned out with the manipulative, "talk to my attorney", or "that's not my problem", narc. answers to simple running of the household expense questions. Would you put yourself up for such humiliation? It gets worse. She then says, "you never asked." I will have no idea what her family knows, or thinks. Welcome to the new age of texting, having everything sent to your computer at work, and your phone! It would feel like a repeat of a few years ago, when her sisters husband was there for "the last time" . Who knew? Some? Few? Everyone but me? Family secrets! Thank you again for the understanding. The dog looks precious! On a way, way, distant side note......don't be one of these ladies who posts pictures of her dog when it's time for dating! |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2016 21:43:47 GMT -5
nancyb: "I'm glad I've got internet access here at the Centre for Wayward Women." LOL! As do I, here at the Mid-Atlantic Institute for Tauroscatology. (I'm the lead debunker.)
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Post by obobfla on Dec 18, 2016 21:55:15 GMT -5
nancyb : "I'm glad I've got internet access here at the Centre for Wayward Women." LOL! As do I, here at the Mid-Atlantic Institute for Tauroscatology. (I'm the lead debunker.) You had me running to google Smartkat. I've heard it called Special High Intensity Training. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 18, 2016 22:24:59 GMT -5
As a relative newbie around here - I see the value of coming here to vent and "say" all the things you wish you could say there. It's healthy to release all the pent up UGH. Just wanted to chime in and say good for you for saying it here - and not there. Glad to see the STBX is a STBX. Ah - relief is in sight. Bite your tongue there, spew it here and do the best you can to keep the kids as safe and out-of-the-messy-stuff as you can, which you are. Good for you. I'm curious. Why are you still there? Will you end up with the house? Will She? Will it be sold? I know a few homeless shelters that have more love in them that that horribly toxic environment. I hope the process goes quickly for you and for the kids. You got some bad juju in that place. I'm glad I've got internet access here at the Centre for Wayward Women. I'm sure your getting reliable condom hole insertion training, with pin point accuracy at the Center for Wayward Women. However it doesn't sound like he will be using them anytime soon! Here's to 2017! |
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Post by Rhapsodee on Dec 27, 2016 4:53:56 GMT -5
GC? Why the hell are you still living there? I'd be doing exactly what you're doing and I'd be kicking myself for bending to her will.
For your mental health you really need to find a room to rent. Anything. Anywhere but there. An empty sewer pipe would be more homey. You need to be gone. She doesn't believe you're going to go through with it and she's punishing you for even considering divorce.
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 27, 2016 8:37:29 GMT -5
GC? Why the hell are you still living there? I'd be doing exactly what you're doing and I'd be kicking myself for bending to her will. For your mental health you really need to find a room to rent. Anything. Anywhere but there. An empty sewer pipe would be more homey. You need to be gone. She doesn't believe you're going to go through with it and she's punishing you for even considering divorce. That's a good point! I moved out before my divorce was final and signed my lease before the divorce was settled. We had a shared bank account (his paycheck) plus my own account (my paycheck). It was stated in the filing of the divorce that until the divorce was finalized I was entitled to support and if I took more money than was decided then I paid it back. greatcoastal If you don't see this divorce being worked out in the next month or so then I would move out that way it's less stress on you especially since you made it through the holidays. |
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