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Post by brian on Dec 15, 2016 6:43:29 GMT -5
What freaks, or has freaked, me out? -- That my refuser is PROUD of the fact that she has never had an orgasm. I'm sure it's a control thing, and she used to stop our love making before she "lost control"... should have left then. Now, I just don't see her as a sexual creature any longer, so I honestly don't care. Honorable mentions: -- She still makes sexual suggestions or outright offers when she is in a safe place (during business travel, for example) and she knows that there can't be any real delivery. She promised me a bathtub get together nearly weekly for almost 2 years, and she actually thought that I thought it might happen. -- The only time we seemed to ever have sex were 1) when we were actively trying to make a baby; and 2) when she was drunk (1 in 10 chance) back when I actually believed we were a married couple -- That she had the audacity to say, "Are we there yet?" after just a couple of minutes of sex during one of our "make a baby" phases. Looking back on all of it, sex was a tool to achieve a goal (marriage, kids). Once those were achieved, sex is no longer necessary. Funny thing is that, without sex, the marriage will end and she will be alone. Picking my jaw up off the ground on this one brian . Have never heard this one before. Is it a religious thing? Maybe deep-rooted Catholic shame/guilt? Whatever the cause or reason, you sure as hell don't deserve to be on the other end of that literally and/or figuratively. I hope you find strength here - we hear you, we get you. lyn, I don't think it's a deep-rooted shame/guilt, but it's certainly possible. Quite honestly, it doesn't matter. The effect on me is the same. She thinks that nearly everything related to sex is "gross", and a large part of my problem is that there is little middle ground for us to occupy. I'm not allowed to touch her "girls" except when we're having sex. I'm not allowed to touch her other lady parts except when we are having sex. She won't ever touch my man parts under any circumstances beyond a fleeting brush with her hand. Oral anything, other than kissing, is strictly prohibited. So she gets mad when I try to go from kissing to sex, but I honestly don't see anything in between in her world. Oh, and she is always the one that, on the rare occasions we have sex, quickly gets dressed, rolls over, and doesn't want to cuddle afterwards. I always thought that was a strictly intimacy-averse male trait until my wife started doing that mere months after our marriage. Now I feel like I have co-opted this thread with my story. Definitely not my intention. |
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Post by brian on Dec 15, 2016 6:46:40 GMT -5
Oh.. and lyn, I do find strength here. Despite my profile saying that I'm "New", I've been here (at least reading) since the beginning of this forum and was also on the old EP forum for several years prior. You all are my online support group, and I have found great value in everyone's insights.
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Post by nancyb on Dec 15, 2016 6:55:55 GMT -5
Oh.. and lyn, I do find strength here. Despite my profile saying that I'm "New", I've been here (at least reading) since the beginning of this forum and was also on the old EP forum for several years prior. You all are my online support group, and I have found great value in everyone's insights. Glad you came out of the shadows and posted Brian.  |
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Post by petrushka on Dec 15, 2016 7:07:50 GMT -5
I've just come back to this thread after a while, and reading through pages 5 and 6 I can only say this: trying to placate them, walking on eggshells, and trying to be the most perfect self to {this is fiction!} make them feel better and maybe {fiction!} amenable to intimacy --- just ... forget it.
It.Does.Not.Work.
I've been in that space for years and years. I've been in that space in 3 relationships and it didn't buy me a bag of potato chips. I have read here and on EP
for 7 years now, and I cannot recall a single case where that approach worked.
That's why I call it the 'hamsterwheel' approach.
But, do I believe the promises made in the song? is it going to be all right? Road to nowhere, or road to paradise {ha! as if}
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Post by novembercomingfire on Dec 15, 2016 17:23:40 GMT -5
What freaks, or has freaked, me out? -- That my refuser is PROUD of the fact that she has never had an orgasm. I'm sure it's a control thing, and she used to stop our love making before she "lost control"... should have left then. Now, I just don't see her as a sexual creature any longer, so I honestly don't care. Honorable mentions: -- She still makes sexual suggestions or outright offers when she is in a safe place (during business travel, for example) and she knows that there can't be any real delivery. She promised me a bathtub get together nearly weekly for almost 2 years, and she actually thought that I thought it might happen. -- The only time we seemed to ever have sex were 1) when we were actively trying to make a baby; and 2) when she was drunk (1 in 10 chance) back when I actually believed we were a married couple -- That she had the audacity to say, "Are we there yet?" after just a couple of minutes of sex during one of our "make a baby" phases. Looking back on all of it, sex was a tool to achieve a goal (marriage, kids). Once those were achieved, sex is no longer necessary. Funny thing is that, without sex, the marriage will end and she will be alone. By the gods, i believe your story is about as pathetic as mine. My sympathy to you. As i asked in another thread once before, who the fuck doesn't want to have orgasms? |
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Post by Rhapsodee on Dec 15, 2016 19:28:36 GMT -5
His obvious contentment and relaxed demeanor since I lost interest in having sex with him.
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Post by brian on Dec 15, 2016 21:35:53 GMT -5
What freaks, or has freaked, me out? -- That my refuser is PROUD of the fact that she has never had an orgasm. I'm sure it's a control thing, and she used to stop our love making before she "lost control"... should have left then. Now, I just don't see her as a sexual creature any longer, so I honestly don't care. Honorable mentions: -- She still makes sexual suggestions or outright offers when she is in a safe place (during business travel, for example) and she knows that there can't be any real delivery. She promised me a bathtub get together nearly weekly for almost 2 years, and she actually thought that I thought it might happen. -- The only time we seemed to ever have sex were 1) when we were actively trying to make a baby; and 2) when she was drunk (1 in 10 chance) back when I actually believed we were a married couple -- That she had the audacity to say, "Are we there yet?" after just a couple of minutes of sex during one of our "make a baby" phases. Looking back on all of it, sex was a tool to achieve a goal (marriage, kids). Once those were achieved, sex is no longer necessary. Funny thing is that, without sex, the marriage will end and she will be alone. By the gods, i believe your story is about as pathetic as mine. My sympathy to you. As i asked in another thread once before, who the fuck doesn't want to have orgasms? Someone that has never had one and can't imagine losing control during one... have to stay in control... can't lose it... ever! As for whose story is more pathetic, I don't think mine is any more pathetic than anyone else's. We're all in our own little piece of hell. |
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Post by brian on Dec 15, 2016 21:37:28 GMT -5
His obvious contentment and relaxed demeanor since I lost interest in having sex with him. . I sometimes wonder if my wife secretly is enjoying the fact that I rarely make any advances towards her. She can now freely walk around the bathroom naked after a shower and I don't even glance her way... not interested. |
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Post by beachguy on Dec 16, 2016 1:32:49 GMT -5
His obvious contentment and relaxed demeanor since I lost interest in having sex with him. . I sometimes wonder if my wife secretly is enjoying the fact that I rarely make any advances towards her. She can now freely walk around the bathroom naked after a shower and I don't even glance her way... not interested. Based on your story here, it's hard to construct a case where she isn't quite pleased with the arrangement. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2016 20:35:58 GMT -5
What freaked me out the most - besides the obvious - is the same thing that I keep mentioning in my posts:
If (as he said) his health issues were the only real reason - then why would he never follow through with the things he had to do to improve his health?
With or without me in his life - does he WANT to be depressed, have chronic pain, and/or a dependency on Rx painkillers all his life?
How can anyone be willing to feel lousy all the time?
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2016 22:44:50 GMT -5
I sleep better if I have the whole bed to myself. So a few months ago when we were redoing the bedroom and were shopping for furniture I suggested we buy two king size beds instead of one. The room is huge so space isn't a problem. She refused and when I asked her why she said that "what would people think, us sleeping in separate beds?" I thought this was very unusual. Both my parents had separate beds from as long as I could remember and I don't think it is so unusual for long married couples to want a good nights sleep. And even if we were having sex who says we couldn't have it in one of the two beds? Anyway. I said "what people?" and she replied that when the renovations were done she would invite her sister and sister in law upstairs to have a look. I could care less. And even though we sleep as far from each other as is as possible in our king size bed, and we haven't had sex in decades, she still wants to "keep up appearances. Me? A good nights sleep (a rare thing for me) is much more important than what people may think.
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Post by thebaffledking on Dec 16, 2016 22:53:37 GMT -5
I sleep better if I have the whole bed to myself. So a few months ago when we were redoing the bedroom and were shopping for furniture I suggested we buy two king size beds instead of one. The room is huge so space isn't a problem. She refused and when I asked her why she said that "what would people think, us sleeping in separate beds?" I thought this was very unusual. Both my parents had separate beds from as long as I could remember and I don't think it is so unusual for long married couples to want a good nights sleep. And even if we were having sex who says we couldn't have it in one of the two beds? Anyway. I said "what people?" and she replied that when the renovations were done she would invite her sister and sister in law upstairs to have a look. I could care less. And even though we sleep as far from each other as is as possible in our king size bed, and we haven't had sex in decades, she still wants to "keep up appearances. Me? A good nights sleep (a rare thing for me) is much more important than what people may think. So.........did you get the two beds? |
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Post by nancyb on Dec 16, 2016 23:09:35 GMT -5
I posted this long response to dannyc and the site crashed and it was lost...bummer. So to sum it u, get your own bed dannyc.
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Post by nancyb on Dec 16, 2016 23:18:14 GMT -5
As long as we continue to collude with our refusers in the appearance of a healthy, well balanced relationship the longer we will stay in the shithole of a sexless marriage.
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Post by nancyb on Dec 16, 2016 23:19:07 GMT -5
As long as we continue to collude with our refusers in the appearance of a healthy, well balanced relationship the longer we will stay in the shithole of a sexless marriage.
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