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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 19, 2016 21:53:16 GMT -5
As to the original topic, let me just talk this past year. I find my wife just sitting in the dark, not doing anything. She is not sleeping, not playing with the cats, not listening to music, and not using any digital device. She just sits. If I have the TV on, she avoids coming into the room. I want to think her health is improving, but she gets tired very easily and wants to do as little as possible. I am stuck doing most of the chores, even though she fixes most meals. She says she is fine, just a little tired. If she is hearing voices again, she's not telling me. I have no idea if she is getting better, getting worse, or finding herself in a holding pattern where I get stuck doing most of the work. That's A LOT of non communication. very hard to have a relationship like that. At least I know my spouses is intentional, (the wrong way to fix things, but non the less intentional) but your case? You have no idea what's really going on? Sounds like a n area that takes delicate handling with kid gloves, and zero return for your efforts. More like a nursing home than a marriage. Am I close? |
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 19, 2016 22:05:16 GMT -5
Ugh, I apologize gang. When I re-read my posts, they are so dripping with vitriol. Nobody needs that. I'm not a vulgar person. I'm just a guy at the very end of his rope.....and just ready to have this all behind me.....at least my announcement to her that it's over. The holidays are now just a last obstacle to freedom. You have every right to be beyond angry @thebaffleking! At least you keep your posts up - half of mine, if not more get deleted (by me) b cause some of them are so soaked in anger that I can't stand having them read. You're on your way - every piece of negativity she throws at you is just another nail in the coffin of your marriage. Sorry she's so mean to you.  lyn your welcome to post those any time you want! you will be helping others along with yourself. There are a lot of behind the scenes readers on here, daily who greatly benefit from a "me too, or I couldn't say it any better moment." |
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Post by cagedtiger on Dec 19, 2016 22:05:50 GMT -5
What in the world was she doing!?! It sure does look like the after effects of a major manic episode. Could be a good time to do some donating - chances are she wouldn't miss a thing. Sorry cagedtiger , that is rough to say the least. She had mentioned a few weeks ago thinking about swapping the spare bedroom and home office between bedrooms. But we'd talked about doing that way down the road. Months ago. I was in my hometown for work and visiting family Friday/ Saturday, so she took it upon herself to start swapping everything between the rooms at the same time. And cleaning all the carpets. In addition, she decided at the end of last month that we need a new couch in the living room, and ordered a giant sectional. It was due to arrive this week- came in this morning- and she knew that. So it's all the above at the same time. So that was my earlier post about her moving everything around. It's only gotten worse since Saturday evening when I got back. ...and she just got back from the store with more stuff for "organizing." |
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 19, 2016 22:16:07 GMT -5
What in the world was she doing!?! It sure does look like the after effects of a major manic episode. Could be a good time to do some donating - chances are she wouldn't miss a thing. Sorry cagedtiger , that is rough to say the least. She had mentioned a few weeks ago thinking about swapping the spare bedroom and home office between bedrooms. But we'd talked about doing that way down the road. Months ago. I was in my hometown for work and visiting family Friday/ Saturday, so she took it upon herself to start swapping everything between the rooms at the same time. And cleaning all the carpets. In addition, she decided at the end of last month that we need a new couch in the living room, and ordered a giant sectional. It was due to arrive this week- came in this morning- and she knew that. So it's all the above at the same time. So that was my earlier post about her moving everything around. It's only gotten worse since Saturday evening when I got back. ...and she just got back from the store with more stuff for "organizing." my two cents: Don't do it! Don't waste your emotions on figuring out why, and how YOU can fix it. Instead focus on your finances. Get legal council. Ask, "is it going to matter who racked up all this debt when it's time to divide everything? " Is it all on a joint bank account? Are both names on the credit card? you might be screwed! Important questions to be answered first thing in the morning. All hands on deck, this is not a drill. Man the lifeboats! |
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Post by obobfla on Dec 19, 2016 22:30:06 GMT -5
As to the original topic, let me just talk this past year. I find my wife just sitting in the dark, not doing anything. She is not sleeping, not playing with the cats, not listening to music, and not using any digital device. She just sits. If I have the TV on, she avoids coming into the room. I want to think her health is improving, but she gets tired very easily and wants to do as little as possible. I am stuck doing most of the chores, even though she fixes most meals. She says she is fine, just a little tired. If she is hearing voices again, she's not telling me. I have no idea if she is getting better, getting worse, or finding herself in a holding pattern where I get stuck doing most of the work. That's A LOT of non communication. very hard to have a relationship like that. At least I know my spouses is intentional, (the wrong way to fix things, but non the less intentional) but your case? You have no idea what's really going on? Sounds like a n area that takes delicate handling with kid gloves, and zero return for your efforts. More like a nursing home than a marriage. Am I close? Communication is difficult even under the best of circumstances. She has been suffering from a severe mental illness for most of our marriage. It was worse when she was hearing voices and yelling back at them. Every now and then I see the woman I married, but lately it's been a combination of both her physical and mental health slipping. Right now, she is not so bad that I have to put her in assisted living, but it may come to that if she gets much worse. Don't get me wrong - my wife is a sweet person. She has been on disability for years. But her health took a turn for the worse this past year, and I have had to step up in terms of housework and parenting while keeping a full time job. |
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Post by lyn on Dec 19, 2016 22:38:04 GMT -5
You have every right to be beyond angry @thebaffleking! At least you keep your posts up - half of mine, if not more get deleted (by me) b cause some of them are so soaked in anger that I can't stand having them read. You're on your way - every piece of negativity she throws at you is just another nail in the coffin of your marriage. Sorry she's so mean to you. lyn your welcome to post those any time you want! you will be helping others along with yourself. There are a lot of behind the scenes readers on here, daily who greatly benefit from a "me too, or I couldn't say it any better moment." Thank you greatcoastal - I think I needed to hear that. It's a culmination of a lifetime of repressing my feelings, along with, creating and controlling this facade that I hide behind in this sm (yet reaching back to growing up with an alcoholic parent, among other things). My own anger literally scares me. I'm doing so much to try to heal from a long term illness and I know that my own anger is keeping me from this. I know what I need to do (get out and on my own) and I'm starting to put together a viable plan. Hey, at least I have a plan! So, I'm going to stop deleting my posts. If someone can get anything out of them (me included) then it's worth it. Tomorrow I AM going to make an appt with an individual therapist! No more putting it off! Think I'll take a kick-boxing class too..... that might be even more beneficial! |
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Post by lyn on Dec 19, 2016 22:52:30 GMT -5
What in the world was she doing!?! It sure does look like the after effects of a major manic episode. Could be a good time to do some donating - chances are she wouldn't miss a thing. Sorry cagedtiger , that is rough to say the least. She had mentioned a few weeks ago thinking about swapping the spare bedroom and home office between bedrooms. But we'd talked about doing that way down the road. Months ago. I was in my hometown for work and visiting family Friday/ Saturday, so she took it upon herself to start swapping everything between the rooms at the same time. And cleaning all the carpets. In addition, she decided at the end of last month that we need a new couch in the living room, and ordered a giant sectional. It was due to arrive this week- came in this morning- and she knew that. So it's all the above at the same time. So that was my earlier post about her moving everything around. It's only gotten worse since Saturday evening when I got back. ...and she just got back from the store with more stuff for "organizing." She IS spinning out of control and may be doing this crap to manipulate you. Whether she realizes that's even what she's doing. I don't know if she's been diagnosed bipolar or severely depressed (I've tried to learn about everyone here but it's hard to remember all the details). Some people want to SEEM nuts in order to play the victim and to elicit sympathy. My H does this to a degree. Mostly with trying to Buy me - furniture we didn't need - constantly telling me we should trade in my (paid off 10 year old) car on something new and expensive with a car payment I don't want when I'm out of this. Spending like crazy on a daily basis, etc. Soon she won't be your problem. Time to start counting down the days........ |
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Post by thebaffledking on Dec 19, 2016 23:02:56 GMT -5
You have every right to be beyond angry @thebaffleking! At least you keep your posts up - half of mine, if not more get deleted (by me) b cause some of them are so soaked in anger that I can't stand having them read. You're on your way - every piece of negativity she throws at you is just another nail in the coffin of your marriage. Sorry she's so mean to you. lyn your welcome to post those any time you want! you will be helping others along with yourself. There are a lot of behind the scenes readers on here, daily who greatly benefit from a "me too, or I couldn't say it any better moment." We all go through various stages, I guess. I'm very angry about what she has done to my one and only life. Yes, I can get out and seek a better opportunity, but i feel like some permanent damage has been done, and my resentment runs so deep. I'm a good man with a massive heart, but I don't think she's ever seen that in all these years. I think she only saw what I could provide for her.......stability, children, and money......it just makes me sick. But.........water under the bridge. I know that 'anger' equals attachment, and I need to detach.........so I need to let go of the anger and just look to brighter days ahead. |
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Post by lyn on Dec 19, 2016 23:20:38 GMT -5
That's A LOT of non communication. very hard to have a relationship like that. At least I know my spouses is intentional, (the wrong way to fix things, but non the less intentional) but your case? You have no idea what's really going on? Sounds like a n area that takes delicate handling with kid gloves, and zero return for your efforts. More like a nursing home than a marriage. Am I close? Communication is difficult even under the best of circumstances. She has been suffering from a severe mental illness for most of our marriage. It was worse when she was hearing voices and yelling back at them. Every now and then I see the woman I married, but lately it's been a combination of both her physical and mental health slipping. Right now, she is not so bad that I have to put her in assisted living, but it may come to that if she gets much worse. Don't get me wrong - my wife is a sweet person. She has been on disability for years. But her health took a turn for the worse this past year, and I have had to step up in terms of housework and parenting while keeping a full time job. For as long as I could remember, obobfla, my beautiful older brother has been living with severe schizophrenia. It is an absolutely heartbreaking illness. This relationship we have as siblings is nothing (I'm sure) like having a spouse with this. He has found it easier to live on his own with a visiting caregiver and family members looking in on him. He tried living with my parents (also a group home) and he was just worse. He said it was too much pressure trying to be "normal" when all he wanted to do was cope in his own way. He loves his routine- being looked in on, going on his walks, making his favorite meals whilst choosing to engage with the voices or not without worrying what anybody thinks. He is pretty heavily medicated now and is able to sleep about 12 hours each night. This, I think, has saved him. I hesitate to even share this, because of course your situation is quite different, and Im thinkIng of your loyalty to your wife, but, you deserve a life too. You display a strength unmatched by many. |
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Post by obobfla on Dec 19, 2016 23:41:40 GMT -5
lyn, it's great that your brother has stabilized. He has accepted his illness and follows through with treatment. My wife is schizo-affective. It's like schizophrenia lite combined with bipolar. While that sounds bad, the diagnosis has nothing to do with the severity of the illness. I know a man with schizophrenia who has been a loving and supportive husband and father to his family, even though his son has been violently mentally ill. My wife has been able to function somewhat, but there are others with her condition who cannot live outside of a hospital. The one thing that has kept me going has been my involvement with NAMI. Its membership is mostly family members of the mentally ill, and I help run a support group for them. I have heard many horror stories much worse than anything I have gone through.
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Post by Rhapsodee on Dec 20, 2016 2:20:55 GMT -5
Ugh, I apologize gang. When I re-read my posts, they are so dripping with vitriol. Nobody needs that. I'm not a vulgar person. I'm just a guy at the very end of his rope.....and just ready to have this all behind me.....at least my announcement to her that it's over. The holidays are now just a last obstacle to freedom. We all need to vent. I've done my share. We know. Oh God, we know. |
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Post by petrushka on Dec 20, 2016 5:55:34 GMT -5
Holy cow, Batman. I could not function in that mess. I could not sleep, or eat, in that mess. That is just un-be-fucking-lievable. I've had one friend who got into a serious depression and had a severely handicapped baby at the time, and her house looked like that, if not worse. And remember Zsuzsi - I seem to remember her posting pictures not dissimilar after her depressed partner moved out of his basement cave. This has been done by a person who can not deal. Completely out of her depth. Irrespective of anything, THAT I simply could not live with. I'd go into complete sensory overload myself. it's horrid. Commiserations, Tigger. |
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Post by nancyb on Dec 20, 2016 6:04:10 GMT -5
CagedTiger: In my days as a visiting nursing I have seen situations worse than yours. In hoarder houses!! Living with that chaos must be atrocious. You have my sincere sympathy. |
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Post by petrushka on Dec 20, 2016 6:08:46 GMT -5
CagedTiger: In my days as a visiting nursing I have seen situations worse than yours. In hoarder houses!! Living with that chaos must be atrocious. You have my sincere sympathy. Yeah, "Almost looks like a Hoarder House" was my first thought when I saw these pictures, but I knew that that was not what it was in this case ... That is yet another terrible condition. I seem to recall two cases where a hoarder got squashed and trapped by their stacked 'treasures' collapsing on top of them. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 20, 2016 7:56:02 GMT -5
Going back to your weekend with the divorce discussion with mom and dad, these kind of things weren't discussed, were they? Even if they were brought up, your the one living it. 15 more yrs? NO. 15 more days. Maybe. |
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