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Post by solodriver on Dec 13, 2016 2:32:41 GMT -5
I want to say a heartfelt thank you to each of you who responded on this post. The outpouring of support completely took me by surprise and the heartfelt concern from each of you was tremendous for me. I know that in order to move forward in my life, I will have to work through the emotions that I've used to help me survive the pain of being in my SM for so long. I want to be healthy enough that if an opportunity comes along that I can connect with someone, I want to be ready.
You all here are the best! Thank you for your support, care and concern. It means more to me than you can ever know, especially at this time of the year when I dealing with the holidays, a SM and my father's death that occurred on Christmas Day. I also care about each of you so very much!
A Warm Hug to each of you! SD 
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Post by beachguy on Dec 13, 2016 16:56:47 GMT -5
My Friend, I'm sorry you have to endure this emotional abuse (and yes, that is what it is). Why our significant other has to belittle a spouse in front of others, baffles me. Clearly it's a sign of insecurity. I'm glad to hear the two couples at the table were able to re-direct the attacks back to your wife. If, I was to guess, I'm thinking the couples have some psychology training under their belt. You showed a great deal of restraint by not engaging in her circus, and I'm glad you left with some self satisfaction for yourself. She has stolen your joy for many years, I wonder if she's sensing your attention is no longer focused on her? I'm glad you decided to come to surface and engage Lexus My prediction: as Solodriver distances himself emotionally it will feed her insecurity, increasing the emotional abuse. All part of the inevitable negative feedback cycle as the marital plane rolls over in an unrecoverable stall and slowly spirals into the ground... |
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Post by solodriver on Dec 13, 2016 23:39:52 GMT -5
My Friend, I'm sorry you have to endure this emotional abuse (and yes, that is what it is). Why our significant other has to belittle a spouse in front of others, baffles me. Clearly it's a sign of insecurity. I'm glad to hear the two couples at the table were able to re-direct the attacks back to your wife. If, I was to guess, I'm thinking the couples have some psychology training under their belt. You showed a great deal of restraint by not engaging in her circus, and I'm glad you left with some self satisfaction for yourself. She has stolen your joy for many years, I wonder if she's sensing your attention is no longer focused on her? I'm glad you decided to come to surface and engage Lexus Lexus,
Thank you for your supportive and warmly caring comments. I hope that by my sharing this, someone else will be strengthened by it.
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Post by solodriver on Dec 13, 2016 23:52:39 GMT -5
solodriver - cheers on this! I am curious about the ages of the two couples. I think it is a part of a societal change - though it could be socioeconomic or other culture aspects. But I sense that there is a large demographic of "old school 50's" culture that think tearing down by teasing is acceptable and also a large set in society that thinks psychological health and emotional maturity is nothing to take for granted - they somehow know dysfunction a mile away and every once in a while, we run into those healthy folks....and it surprises us because we are used to the sniper environment. I believe we are all victims of emotional abuse but what the healthy choose to do about it is to see our part, see what we can fix of it, change the parts of our own reactions to it as best we can - and TRY to be and become healthy over it. What our refusers seem to do is the opposite - take that victim part, exaggerate, overshare, inappropriately bring out the bad-taste stabs... she really showed her own ass in this case and it brings me smug joy. (Which - I understand - that's not the most healthy reaction but it DOES feel validating for me to read this even though I had nothing to do with the story!) The numbness you had used as helpful - - it can go wrong. Be sure to get out and to rebuild your sensitivity before it's too late. GeekGoddeess,
Thank you for your supportive comments. I'm trying to figure out a way that I can not allow my numbed heart to spill over into other aspects of my life. But with the support of all my friends here, I feel better about myself I realize that I'm not some "freak" for wanting the things romantically and sexually that I desire.
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Post by solodriver on Dec 13, 2016 23:57:08 GMT -5
solodriver Kudos to you for taking the high road and getting backup from your coworkers and their significant others. Might I suggest doing something nice for them in acknowledgment for their upstanding actions. Let them know you noticed and genuinely appreciate it. The world needs more people who aren't afraid to speak up when men are verbally abused by their wives! Thanks for sharing this post! Thank you JonDoe,
Your supportive comments helped me better about this situation and the way I handled it.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 14, 2016 6:24:04 GMT -5
I'm about to say something that may be unpopular.
SD, I love that you mentioned the question, what was your role in the problem. Even though we are the refused, none of us are perfect. When our first therapist asked us this question, I immediately knew my faults, and was hopeful to learn the tools to combat them so my husband and I could get beyond our problems. When he was asked this same question, he couldn't answer. It took every ounce of control not to spout them off. This was his therapy too, and he needed to discover his fuck-ups for himself.
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Post by nancyb on Dec 14, 2016 6:39:42 GMT -5
Ownership of our roles, behaviours and actions in a SM or in a marriage breakdown is crucial for personal growth and development.
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Post by petrushka on Dec 14, 2016 7:20:19 GMT -5
I have a couple of friends. She is a former teacher. Activist, stong feminist. then tertiary teacher (writing). Now retired. He is a former mathematician, now woodworker.
Whenever I see them together she is, in some way or another, ripping him a new one. Putting him down. Criticizing him. Ridiculing him.
If she saw a man treat a woman the way she treats her husband she'd be raging, spewing, spitting brass tacks.
Her daughters are behaving just like mum.
He seems oblivious most of the time. Very rarely does he tell her to knock it off.
All the friends we have in common wonder why he hasn't walked out on her. But it's just like water off a duck's back to him, and we all know that if we were
to confront her about it she just would not get it. She has, to all outward appearances, one of those stainless steel one track minds, little sense of humour and no perception of her own behaviour.
I find it very hard to hold my peace at times, but I know if I'd confront her about her behaviour she would not understand and he would offer to punch my lights out in defense of her ....
{eye roll}
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Post by becca on Dec 14, 2016 8:58:39 GMT -5
Thanks for sharing your story, solodriver . I see this public criticizing so much with friends and family and it seems almost common place for women to make their husbands out to be complete idiots. I need to be more like the couples that questioned it instead of laughing. Even those laughing are more than likely just feeling incredibly awkward and don't know what to say. Let's face it. Each and every one of us could do the same if it was our goal to systematically destroy our partner. We are ALL imperfect. My own parents were the exact opposite and always uplifting and encouraging to one another. When someone would tell my mother how lucky she was, her go to response was, "I know. I thank God every day for that man." I heard her say this again and again. He was awesome but if he could play instead of work, he would do it in a heartbeat and it would have been easy for her to say, "That lazy ass?!" The numbness is a coping mechanism but watch out when it fades, SD. You think she is noticing a change in you now? She ain't seen nothin' yet. Stay strong. |
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Post by wewbwb on Dec 14, 2016 10:52:56 GMT -5
I want to say a heartfelt thank you to each of you who responded on this post. The outpouring of support completely took me by surprise and the heartfelt concern from each of you was tremendous for me. I know that in order to move forward in my life, I will have to work through the emotions that I've used to help me survive the pain of being in my SM for so long. I want to be healthy enough that if an opportunity comes along that I can connect with someone, I want to be ready.
You all here are the best! Thank you for your support, care and concern. It means more to me than you can ever know, especially at this time of the year when I dealing with the holidays, a SM and my father's death that occurred on Christmas Day. I also care about each of you so very much!
A Warm Hug to each of you! SD
Solodriver, I can relate to your post. Both your original and this one here. Yes, this community is supportive. I didn't realize the lack of support I had in my life until I joined. The emotions can wreck havoc with you. Your goal of "being healthy" is one we all can relate to. Yes we are the best. I am sorry for your loss. It is never easy to lose a parent, |
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Post by shamwow on Dec 22, 2016 22:57:50 GMT -5
Is it all that surprising? Every sitcom or family show in the past 50 years has portrayed the husband or father as a clueless schmuck.
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Post by solodriver on Dec 22, 2016 23:40:56 GMT -5
Is it all that surprising? Every sitcom or family show in the past 50 years has portrayed the husband or father as a clueless schmuck. Sad but true
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Post by JonDoe on Dec 23, 2016 8:41:20 GMT -5
I have a couple of friends. She is a former teacher. Activist, stong feminist. then tertiary teacher (writing). Now retired. He is a former mathematician, now woodworker. Whenever I see them together she is, in some way or another, ripping him a new one. Putting him down. Criticizing him. Ridiculing him. If she saw a man treat a woman the way she treats her husband she'd be raging, spewing, spitting brass tacks. Her daughters are behaving just like mum. He seems oblivious most of the time. Very rarely does he tell her to knock it off. All the friends we have in common wonder why he hasn't walked out on her. But it's just like water off a duck's back to him, and we all know that if we were to confront her about it she just would not get it. She has, to all outward appearances, one of those stainless steel one track minds, little sense of humour and no perception of her own behaviour. I find it very hard to hold my peace at times, but I know if I'd confront her about her behaviour she would not understand and he would offer to punch my lights out in defense of her .... {eye roll} Have you given any thought to inviting him out to lunch or for a beer and asking him about his relationship? He may be suffering in silence. |
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Post by solodriver on Dec 23, 2016 15:44:44 GMT -5
I have a couple of friends. She is a former teacher. Activist, stong feminist. then tertiary teacher (writing). Now retired. He is a former mathematician, now woodworker. Whenever I see them together she is, in some way or another, ripping him a new one. Putting him down. Criticizing him. Ridiculing him. If she saw a man treat a woman the way she treats her husband she'd be raging, spewing, spitting brass tacks. Her daughters are behaving just like mum. He seems oblivious most of the time. Very rarely does he tell her to knock it off. All the friends we have in common wonder why he hasn't walked out on her. But it's just like water off a duck's back to him, and we all know that if we were to confront her about it she just would not get it. She has, to all outward appearances, one of those stainless steel one track minds, little sense of humour and no perception of her own behaviour. I find it very hard to hold my peace at times, but I know if I'd confront her about her behaviour she would not understand and he would offer to punch my lights out in defense of her .... {eye roll} And my guess would be he's been in a long term SM also because of her.
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Post by solodriver on Dec 23, 2016 15:46:30 GMT -5
I have a couple of friends. She is a former teacher. Activist, stong feminist. then tertiary teacher (writing). Now retired. He is a former mathematician, now woodworker. Whenever I see them together she is, in some way or another, ripping him a new one. Putting him down. Criticizing him. Ridiculing him. If she saw a man treat a woman the way she treats her husband she'd be raging, spewing, spitting brass tacks. Her daughters are behaving just like mum. He seems oblivious most of the time. Very rarely does he tell her to knock it off. All the friends we have in common wonder why he hasn't walked out on her. But it's just like water off a duck's back to him, and we all know that if we were to confront her about it she just would not get it. She has, to all outward appearances, one of those stainless steel one track minds, little sense of humour and no perception of her own behaviour. I find it very hard to hold my peace at times, but I know if I'd confront her about her behaviour she would not understand and he would offer to punch my lights out in defense of her .... {eye roll} Sadly it seemks to be all around us, and we don't have very far to look to see it. |
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