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Post by solodriver on Dec 23, 2016 15:54:44 GMT -5
I'm about to say something that may be unpopular. SD, I love that you mentioned the question, what was your role in the problem. Even though we are the refused, none of us are perfect. When our first therapist asked us this question, I immediately knew my faults, and was hopeful to learn the tools to combat them so my husband and I could get beyond our problems. When he was asked this same question, he couldn't answer. It took every ounce of control not to spout them off. This was his therapy too, and he needed to discover his fuck-ups for himself. Andie and Nancyb, I agree that I have done things from time to time that were wrong and for which I sincerely apologized for and tried to make right. But my refuser doesn't forgive easily and likes to remember past wrongs and use them for punishment for a long time. THAT"S NOT LOVE OR COMPASSION, THAT'S CRULTY! I have reached the point now where I did what I could to fix them and learn from them, and it was nothing major like cheating, just stupid stuff like saying something stupid at the wrong time or getting mad over something stupid. I've decided since I'm so "whatever" her issues are, why does she want me around? That will be an interesting answer when I ask that question whenever I decide it's time for The Talk.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 23, 2016 16:58:03 GMT -5
I'm about to say something that may be unpopular. SD, I love that you mentioned the question, what was your role in the problem. Even though we are the refused, none of us are perfect. When our first therapist asked us this question, I immediately knew my faults, and was hopeful to learn the tools to combat them so my husband and I could get beyond our problems. When he was asked this same question, he couldn't answer. It took every ounce of control not to spout them off. This was his therapy too, and he needed to discover his fuck-ups for himself. Andie and Nancyb, I agree that I have done things from time to time that were wrong and for which I sincerely apologized for and tried to make right. But my refuser doesn't forgive easily and likes to remember past wrongs and use them for punishment for a long time. THAT"S NOT LOVE OR COMPASSION, THAT'S CRULTY! I have reached the point now where I did what I could to fix them and learn from them, and it was nothing major like cheating, just stupid stuff like saying something stupid at the wrong time or getting mad over something stupid. I've decided since I'm so "whatever" her issues are, why does she want me around? That will be an interesting answer when I ask that question whenever I decide it's time for The Talk.
I can relate to this very much. I too think about things I do wrong. One of them is my passivity when it comes to directing the children to get things done. However, when your spouse continues to criticize your way of doing things, rejects your logic, falsely accuses you of being too angry, then goes and does it her way, which turns out to be 90% what you where doing, well.......It gets very difficult to find fault in yourself, to compromise, to improve things. When you want to get involved with the finances, but your attempts get rejected. When your ideas and opinions on homeschool carry no weight and constantly get over ridden, When your boundaries get run over like a tank. I could go on, and on.....The double bind just keeps repeating itself. That's abuse! During therapy the, "why do you want him around question was, partially answered with, "because I took a vow, I'm not very happy with it, but I'm stuck". (typical broad stroke, slightly emotional filled answer,taking zero responsibility, no facts or reason, she is the victim and I am the offender, again) One time her answer about intimacy was, "well, there's a possibility, that maybe, I need to work on that, a little". WOW!! talk about a drop in the ocean! Don't wait for a clear, understandable answer. She doesn't have one, not one that involves her own faults. The finger will be pointed at you for eternity. Time to give her the finger! Then find someone you can shake hands with, embrace, undress,.......(you know the rest!) Happy 2017!! I am sorry for your loss. My father passed away at Christmas 10 yrs ago. He saw pictures of our daughter that we were adopting, but didn't get to meet her. My wife will not bring it up, and I wonder if she even has a clue that it is on my mind. I will not be mentioning it, with her. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 23, 2016 20:02:14 GMT -5
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Post by solodriver on Dec 23, 2016 23:59:10 GMT -5
Andie and Nancyb, I agree that I have done things from time to time that were wrong and for which I sincerely apologized for and tried to make right. But my refuser doesn't forgive easily and likes to remember past wrongs and use them for punishment for a long time. THAT"S NOT LOVE OR COMPASSION, THAT'S CRULTY! I have reached the point now where I did what I could to fix them and learn from them, and it was nothing major like cheating, just stupid stuff like saying something stupid at the wrong time or getting mad over something stupid. I've decided since I'm so "whatever" her issues are, why does she want me around? That will be an interesting answer when I ask that question whenever I decide it's time for The Talk.
I can relate to this very much. I too think about things I do wrong. One of them is my passivity when it comes to directing the children to get things done. However, when your spouse continues to criticize your way of doing things, rejects your logic, falsely accuses you of being too angry, then goes and does it her way, which turns out to be 90% what you where doing, well.......It gets very difficult to find fault in yourself, to compromise, to improve things. When you want to get involved with the finances, but your attempts get rejected. When your ideas and opinions on homeschool carry no weight and constantly get over ridden, When your boundaries get run over like a tank. I could go on, and on.....The double bind just keeps repeating itself. That's abuse! During therapy the, "why do you want him around question was, partially answered with, "because I took a vow, I'm not very happy with it, but I'm stuck". (typical broad stroke, slightly emotional filled answer,taking zero responsibility, no facts or reason, she is the victim and I am the offender, again) One time her answer about intimacy was, "well, there's a possibility, that maybe, I need to work on that, a little". WOW!! talk about a drop in the ocean! Don't wait for a clear, understandable answer. She doesn't have one, not one that involves her own faults. The finger will be pointed at you for eternity. Time to give her the finger! Then find someone you can shake hands with, embrace, undress,.......(you know the rest!) Happy 2017!! I am sorry for your loss. My father passed away at Christmas 10 yrs ago. He saw pictures of our daughter that we were adopting, but didn't get to meet her. My wife will not bring it up, and I wonder if she even has a clue that it is on my mind. I will not be mentioning it, with her. Greatcoastal,
That's exactly where I'm at. Only my wife's opinion carries any weight. Anything that I say, suggest or even at times request or demand are ignored if they go against her way of thinking. So I perfectly understand where you are. And the article you referenced in the other post sounds just like my wife. I'm very sure that when I ask why she wants me around or why she wants to stay married the answer will have absolutely nothing to do with love, feelings or affection. I'm sure it will be about our investment of time and finances, our vows, etc. etc. Well I will thrown down my BS flag and call the penalty "holding for no good reasons - divorce plan coming" and blow my whistle and walk away. One of the problems is that she runs all the family finances (which I allowed and she has been a good steward of them) and trying to untangle them from my end will be very difficult, and if she becomes vindictive, will require legal actions. None of which are going to be any fun, but will just be another sign of her true personality, not the one she showed me when we dated and for the first few years of marriage.
Thanks for the thoughts about the death of your father as well. My wife has ruined the Christmas season for me for the past several years because of her total disregard to my feelings at this time of year. I got very little support when my dad passed and have gotten none since then. So I remain stoic, aloof and quiet during this time of year. I asked one time, the year after my dad passed, for some emotional support in the form of affection, hugs etc. only to be told I should have gotten past those feelings and moved on. Thanks sweetie. I now get enjoyment from watching others enjoying Christmas, but long for the day that I might enjoy the season again.
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Post by Rhapsodee on Dec 25, 2016 23:18:09 GMT -5
This blows me away. She's at YOUR company party and she feels free to belittle you in front of your peers. I think you handled it appropriately by not responding or reacting. It shows your strength and makes her look like a jerk. It was about damn time someone made her take a look at herself.
Sigh.
We all know she will soon forget all about it and backslide to her usual disrespect.
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Post by solodriver on Dec 26, 2016 0:30:24 GMT -5
This blows me away. She's at YOUR company party and she feels free to belittle you in front of your peers. I think you handled it appropriately by not responding or reacting. It shows your strength and makes her look like a jerk. It was about damn time someone made her take a look at herself. Sigh. We all know she will soon forget all about it and backslide to her usual disrespect. Thanks Rhapsodee. So true. I'm just learning to ignore and be numb to it. |
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