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Post by solodriver on Dec 12, 2016 1:36:33 GMT -5
Last night my wife and I went to my company's annual Christmas Dinner. And I watched a very interesting thing happen. We sat at a table with 2 other couples, 1 married and 1 not married. My wife takes these opportunities to share my shortcomings and mistakes that I've done during our marriage. I've learned to keep my mouth shut, not because I don't want to defend myself, but because it will start an immediate argument with her and that is so embarrassing. So I let her have her fun. I've become numb to it. It just cements more in my mind how far apart we are physically, emotionally, sexually and even her utter lack of respect to me by doing this.
So she starts her criticisms. My inability to find places when we go places, even though she is supposed to be helping me with the directions so I can concentrate on driving and traffic. And her list goes on and on for awhile. She is trying to make fun of me and have laughs at my expense. Again I'm used to it.
But for the first time, the response she got was totally different than in the past and it shocked me and I smiled. Both couples started asking questions back to her: What was your role in this problem? Did you help him in any way to avoid the outcome (whatever it was)? How could you do that or allow that to happen to your husband? etc. etc.. They didn't think that her criticisms of me were funny or humorous, when in the past she would get the laughs and the jokes about "well you married him". They seemed concerned that she was majorly contributing to the incidents that she brought up. The message they were sending was "You're his wife and you are supposed to be loving and supportive...not making fun of and criticizing" and that neither of the couples thought any of it was funny.
Well I guess after the third time she tried to make a joke about me and she got the "that's not funny or appropriate" questioning response she stopped and remained pretty quiet the rest of the evening. I smiled inside and said nothing more of any of it, either on the way home or since then.
Now this next part just killed me. They showed a video in the middle of the evening about how the company did during the year. For the first time in I honestly don't even remember when the last time it happened, she put her arm across my back, like she was trying to prove she loved me. I did not respond to that gesture. And when the evening was over, on the way home and even during the day today, she has tried to make small talk about the dinner and anything else that came to her mind, and I just responded with a yes or a no and very little else.
I think it is finally dawning on her that she has been wrong for a very long time in the way she has treated me, and I no longer feel the feelings of it's no big deal. I think she has finally noticed the very real distance between us in all aspects of this relationship. And sadly, it's too late for me to reach out anymore.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Dec 12, 2016 2:03:52 GMT -5
solodriver. This is BRILLIANT. My heart lifted for you reading this. Yay for the couple of couples. Take that wifey! Xxxx
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Post by thebaffledking on Dec 12, 2016 2:23:34 GMT -5
It's great when people around call them on their bullshit. I was at my MIL's home probably 6-7 years ago, and it was a big family gathering. As it was summer and I was on the road for weeks, I usually only pack t-shirts.....but for this I went out and bought a nice button-down shirt in colors that my wife didn't like, but I did, so FUCK HER. So we're sitting outside talking to her aunt and it's just getting hotter than blazes. I excuse myself to go change into something cooler and as I'm entering the sliding glass door, I hear my wife say to her aunt, "he was trying to look nice"....now the words alone may be somewhat innocuous....'trying'......but it was the way she said it, like a scoff or a laugh.....and INSTANTLY her aunt (who I always got along with just fine, like I do everybody) says, "He DOES look nice!" I thought I looked nice, too, so as always.........FUCK..........OFF.
Kudos, solodriver! GOOD people always have your back!
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Post by baza on Dec 12, 2016 2:23:50 GMT -5
Back in the day I had a couple of interesting experiences at office parties.
I would bet that had I had your experience Brother solodriver, my missus would have accused me of having doctored the seating arrangements to "deliberately have us on the same table as those two smart arse couples who know nothing".
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Post by solodriver on Dec 12, 2016 3:40:33 GMT -5
solodriver . This is BRILLIANT. My heart lifted for you reading this. Yay for the couple of couples. Take that wifey! Xxxx Thank you so much EO. The reaction from the couples just shocked me because about 2 months ago we attended a wedding reception and the jokes about me made by my wife were met with laughter and more "dumb ass husband" jokes which went on for most of the evening.
She was very shocked at the totally different reaction this time.
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Post by solodriver on Dec 12, 2016 3:44:36 GMT -5
It's great when people around call them on their bullshit. I was at my MIL's home probably 6-7 years ago, and it was a big family gathering. As it was summer and I was on the road for weeks, I usually only pack t-shirts.....but for this I went out and bought a nice button-down shirt in colors that my wife didn't like, but I did, so FUCK HER. So we're sitting outside talking to her aunt and it's just getting hotter than blazes. I excuse myself to go change into something cooler and as I'm entering the sliding glass door, I hear my wife say to her aunt, "he was trying to look nice"....now the words alone may be somewhat innocuous....'trying'......but it was the way she said it, like a scoff or a laugh.....and INSTANTLY her aunt (who I always got along with just fine, like I do everybody) says, "He DOES look nice!" I thought I looked nice, too, so as always.........FUCK..........OFF. Kudos, solodriver! GOOD people always have your back! Thank you baffledking. It was a very pleasant, shocking change from what I've been dealing with for the past several years.
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Post by novembercomingfire on Dec 12, 2016 9:01:46 GMT -5
I am glad for you as well. I cannot imagine how warm that validation and support must feel. I also admit to being a bit envious, as my wife, the sainted mother superior herself, somehow manages to win over everyone that she meets with her tales of victimhood and tragedy ...
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Post by Chatter Fox on Dec 12, 2016 9:07:14 GMT -5
That's an awesome story! I'm so glad you sat by a couple that actually had your back for once!
Sadly, I see this sort of covert tearing down of a partner in public all too often. If it's anything like what I witness, it's almost done in a way that comes across as little playful jabs. That way, if the one being "playfully jabbed" at stands up for his or her self, the one dealing the punches can accuse them of being too sensitive. I've been at the receiving end of this every so often. There seems to be no easy way out of it. It's one of those situations that isn't easy to defend against since they can kind of take shots at you behind the protection of social graces, almost like a sniper hiding out in a dense jungle or something. I think what happened in your story is the best way possible for that sort of thing to unfold to get it to come to a screeching halt.
I have a friend that is regularly given this sort of treatment. I can't tell you how many times I have had snarky remarks on the tip of my tongue to deal out to his wife. I'm an expert tongue biter though. Maybe too much of an expert? Your story just encouraged me to figure out a way to help him out though in the future. I would like to try to help him out in a respectful way like this couple did for you. The best part was that they didn't get snarky. It sounds like they just kind of asked her respectful questions to get her to look at herself. That was just simply awesome.
Sadly too, I believe that when people tear down others like that it's because they have their own self esteem issues. I believe that the reality is that they somehow feel inferior to their partners and feel the need to knock them down a few notches in front of others so they feel as though they measure up. So, as much as this stuff hurts when she deals it out, if it helps you feel any better, she may be doing it because she simply feels kind of crappy about herself and doesn't quite feel as though she is up to your level. It sucks that she chooses to tear you down rather than build herself up though. Of course, this is not at all a professional opinion. It's just my 2 cents based on my own experiences.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Dec 12, 2016 9:19:35 GMT -5
solodriver - cheers on this! I am curious about the ages of the two couples. I think it is a part of a societal change - though it could be socioeconomic or other culture aspects. But I sense that there is a large demographic of "old school 50's" culture that think tearing down by teasing is acceptable and also a large set in society that thinks psychological health and emotional maturity is nothing to take for granted - they somehow know dysfunction a mile away and every once in a while, we run into those healthy folks....and it surprises us because we are used to the sniper environment. I believe we are all victims of emotional abuse but what the healthy choose to do about it is to see our part, see what we can fix of it, change the parts of our own reactions to it as best we can - and TRY to be and become healthy over it. What our refusers seem to do is the opposite - take that victim part, exaggerate, overshare, inappropriately bring out the bad-taste stabs... she really showed her own ass in this case and it brings me smug joy. (Which - I understand - that's not the most healthy reaction but it DOES feel validating for me to read this even though I had nothing to do with the story!) The numbness you had used as helpful - - it can go wrong. Be sure to get out and to rebuild your sensitivity before it's too late.
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Post by JonDoe on Dec 12, 2016 9:19:49 GMT -5
solodriver Kudos to you for taking the high road and getting backup from your coworkers and their significant others. Might I suggest doing something nice for them in acknowledgment for their upstanding actions. Let them know you noticed and genuinely appreciate it. The world needs more people who aren't afraid to speak up when men are verbally abused by their wives! Thanks for sharing this post!
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Post by thebaffledking on Dec 12, 2016 15:14:46 GMT -5
" .......we are used to the sniper environment." OMG YES! This is such a perfect way to put it!!!!!! I LOVE THIS |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Dec 12, 2016 16:05:30 GMT -5
" .......we are used to the sniper environment." OMG YES! This is such a perfect way to put it!!!!!! I LOVE THIS It is really bad what staying in our SM does to us (or - did to me). I had been such a colorful wild child spirit - hippy soul born too late but willing to face life with my chin forward and ready to withstand whatever trauma the universe sent me. Sister dies, brother dies - BIG hits that I acknowledged & took counseling & did great work to remain a driven spirit, nearly unbroken, just scarred. The BIG things, I could see those - I could address those. The SM though - so subtle, sneaky, crafty. The smallest form of erosion. SO unnoticeable from within the prison cell. I still have much work to do to recover my "self" from the abyss, from the numbness. And just like when a leg falls asleep and when we get the circulation moving again - it HURTS. Tingle to the intensity of deep pain. That is how it will feel when my emotions start coursing through me again. The longer I stayed, the worse the erosion of "me" was. All I can say is that I hope no one stays "too late" to make their recovery from the experience possible. I'm afraid that it IS possible to do permanent damage to ourselves if we stay too long. Marriage should not feel like the Viet Nam war. You know? We shouldn't feel like we are between the walls of East & West Berlin. Our master bedrooms should not be a domestic DMZ. |
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Post by beachguy on Dec 12, 2016 16:41:33 GMT -5
It is really bad what staying in our SM does to us (or - did to me). I had been such a colorful wild child spirit - hippy soul born too late but willing to face life with my chin forward and ready to withstand whatever trauma the universe sent me. Sister dies, brother dies - BIG hits that I acknowledged & took counseling & did great work to remain a driven spirit, nearly unbroken, just scarred. The BIG things, I could see those - I could address those. The SM though - so subtle, sneaky, crafty. The smallest form of erosion. SO unnoticeable from within the prison cell. I still have much work to do to recover my "self" from the abyss, from the numbness. And just like when a leg falls asleep and when we get the circulation moving again - it HURTS. Tingle to the intensity of deep pain. That is how it will feel when my emotions start coursing through me again. The longer I stayed, the worse the erosion of "me" was. All I can say is that I hope no one stays "too late" to make their recovery from the experience possible. I'm afraid that it IS possible to do permanent damage to ourselves if we stay too long. Marriage should not feel like the Viet Nam war. You know? We shouldn't feel like we are between the walls of East & West Berlin. Our master bedrooms should not be a domestic DMZ. Yes it does become permanent. Get out before it's too late. |
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Post by novembercomingfire on Dec 12, 2016 17:08:46 GMT -5
It is really bad what staying in our SM does to us (or - did to me). I had been such a colorful wild child spirit - hippy soul born too late but willing to face life with my chin forward and ready to withstand whatever trauma the universe sent me. Sister dies, brother dies - BIG hits that I acknowledged & took counseling & did great work to remain a driven spirit, nearly unbroken, just scarred. The BIG things, I could see those - I could address those. The SM though - so subtle, sneaky, crafty. The smallest form of erosion. SO unnoticeable from within the prison cell. I still have much work to do to recover my "self" from the abyss, from the numbness. And just like when a leg falls asleep and when we get the circulation moving again - it HURTS. Tingle to the intensity of deep pain. That is how it will feel when my emotions start coursing through me again. The longer I stayed, the worse the erosion of "me" was. All I can say is that I hope no one stays "too late" to make their recovery from the experience possible. I'm afraid that it IS possible to do permanent damage to ourselves if we stay too long. Marriage should not feel like the Viet Nam war. You know? We shouldn't feel like we are between the walls of East & West Berlin. Our master bedrooms should not be a domestic DMZ. Words to live by, especially for those who are young and without children. I fear it may be too late for me, but that story remains to be written ... |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Dec 12, 2016 17:30:20 GMT -5
It is really bad what staying in our SM does to us (or - did to me). I had been such a colorful wild child spirit - hippy soul born too late but willing to face life with my chin forward and ready to withstand whatever trauma the universe sent me. Sister dies, brother dies - BIG hits that I acknowledged & took counseling & did great work to remain a driven spirit, nearly unbroken, just scarred. The BIG things, I could see those - I could address those. The SM though - so subtle, sneaky, crafty. The smallest form of erosion. SO unnoticeable from within the prison cell. I still have much work to do to recover my "self" from the abyss, from the numbness. And just like when a leg falls asleep and when we get the circulation moving again - it HURTS. Tingle to the intensity of deep pain. That is how it will feel when my emotions start coursing through me again. The longer I stayed, the worse the erosion of "me" was. All I can say is that I hope no one stays "too late" to make their recovery from the experience possible. I'm afraid that it IS possible to do permanent damage to ourselves if we stay too long. Marriage should not feel like the Viet Nam war. You know? We shouldn't feel like we are between the walls of East & West Berlin. Our master bedrooms should not be a domestic DMZ. Words to live by, especially for those who are young and without children. I fear it may be too late for me, but that story remains to be written ... I must encourage you to: Try anyway. We only get this one life! |
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