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Post by novembercomingfire on Dec 11, 2016 19:01:48 GMT -5
So, being full of foolishness, weakness, and, well, a sense of fun and spontaneity, I decided - what the hell - I'll try to make a pass at my wife today. Boy, was that a mistake. I would like to say I won't make that mistake again.
The stunning thing is that she got mad at me for, as best I can tell, trying to make it so she wouldn't be as mad at me for something. So, i was trying to manipulate her away from her resentment by approaching her for sex, which she didn't want anyway.
Ok, I guess ... lesson learned.
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Post by DryCreek on Dec 11, 2016 19:13:21 GMT -5
Good grief. Whoever thought sex between a couple could be so complicated?
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Post by baza on Dec 11, 2016 20:18:28 GMT -5
Opportunities to learn about our avoidant spouses, and ourselves, abound in ILIASM shitholes.
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Whether we take those opportunities to learn or not is entirely optional.
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It probably wasn't a "mistake" that you tried it on with her, at some level you may have needed the reaffirmation that your deal is indeed an ILIASM shithole, which you duly got.
And the chances are, as this unfolds, that you'll try it on with her again, perhaps many times, to get that reaffirmation.
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It is very hard to accept that your deal is an ILIASM shithole. VERY hard.
And that lesson often has to be repeated, sometimes many many times before one can accept it.
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Of course then, once you have accepted that, the lessons just get harder.
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Post by lyn on Dec 11, 2016 22:06:04 GMT -5
Oh novembercomingfire, how did you feel after? Angry? Irritated? Sad? Im sorry you had to go through that  . But, you know what they say, "The squeaky wheel gets the grease". Well, it should anyway. Personally, I've gone through the spectrum of feelings as time has passed. As of late, I've realized that I make comments about us having sex (that in any NORMAL relationship would equate to playful sexual banter) like when we're out at dinner/cocktails...... most men would love this...... my husband just gets a stupid look on his face. I hate to admit it but, I now make these "playful" comments knowing what his reaction will be. I'm at the point where I almost think it's funny - well, pathetic is probably a better word. No, I don't feel pathetic anymore (thank god). I think the situation is beyond pathetic. Obviously, I'm also in the angry zone, displaying behaviour that I'm not proud of. |
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Post by obobfla on Dec 11, 2016 22:11:00 GMT -5
novembercomingfire, I would say "Fuck her!" But apparently that is the last thing she wants.
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Post by DryCreek on Dec 11, 2016 22:55:56 GMT -5
As of late, I've realized that I make comments about us having sex (that in any NORMAL relationship would equate to playful sexual banter) like when we're out at dinner/cocktails...... most men would love this...... my husband just gets a stupid look on his face. Oh, I know that look! Feel free to be playful about anything except sex. That one's a buzz kill... And yeah, a normal spouse would welcome that banter and the invitation it's extending. |
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Post by nancyb on Dec 11, 2016 23:13:03 GMT -5
I got to the point that sexual banter just wasn't worth it. Things never turned out the way I wanted, to make passionate love. All I ever got was the goofy look, followed by the awkward silences, and eventually just the cold shoulder...truly he would physically turn away from me. He hated to be reminded of anything sexual.
I found nothing about this behaviour in any way amusing or funny. Years of it have slowly eroded my self confidence and all feelings of tenderness and love towards him have vanished.
Its not a mistake to reach out to your spouse for some intimacy. The mistake is staying in a marriage where there is none.
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Post by darktippedrose on Dec 12, 2016 1:14:43 GMT -5
after so many months of marriage, I had to grow up. playful sexual banter was off the list. Since I got pregnant, I had to grow up and be a MOTHER now.
Apparently, he never watched SNL's "Mother Lover".
my husband won't get a blank face. His face is either filled with disgust, or grow the hell up, or whats wrong with you. You're not acting yourself.
or you're too old for that, focus on kidz and religion.
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Post by novembercomingfire on Dec 12, 2016 4:32:14 GMT -5
Oh novembercomingfire, how did you feel after? Angry? Irritated? Sad? Im sorry you had to go through that . But, you know what they say, "The squeaky wheel gets the grease". Well, it should anyway. Personally, I've gone through the spectrum of feelings as time has passed. As of late, I've realized that I make comments about us having sex (that in any NORMAL relationship would equate to playful sexual banter) like when we're out at dinner/cocktails...... most men would love this...... my husband just gets a stupid look on his face. I hate to admit it but, I now make these "playful" comments knowing what his reaction will be. I'm at the point where I almost think it's funny - well, pathetic is probably a better word. No, I don't feel pathetic anymore (thank god). I think the situation is beyond pathetic. Obviously, I'm also in the angry zone, displaying behaviour that I'm not proud of. Well, I wasn't at all surprised that my overture led to nothing. I am a sad and broken man. Rejection is simply the way it goes. I was, however, taken aback by the depth of her disgust this time. Later, I had to endure an hour long lecture about how this made her feel bad, and how it was gross and inappropriate. Etc. As i said, she wins. I will not touch her again in any way if i can help it. |
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Post by iceman on Dec 12, 2016 10:05:58 GMT -5
Don't feel bad about it. As you said, lesson learned. Occasionally I do the same thing. Why, I have no idea. I know what the outcome will be but I do it anyway. And it's not like I have an real desire for her but I keep thinking maybe, just maybe, we can get back on track. Silly me. It does at least continually confirm where our relationship is.
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Post by beachguy on Dec 12, 2016 10:17:26 GMT -5
Oh novembercomingfire, how did you feel after? Angry? Irritated? Sad? Im sorry you had to go through that . But, you know what they say, "The squeaky wheel gets the grease". Well, it should anyway. Personally, I've gone through the spectrum of feelings as time has passed. As of late, I've realized that I make comments about us having sex (that in any NORMAL relationship would equate to playful sexual banter) like when we're out at dinner/cocktails...... most men would love this...... my husband just gets a stupid look on his face. I hate to admit it but, I now make these "playful" comments knowing what his reaction will be. I'm at the point where I almost think it's funny - well, pathetic is probably a better word. No, I don't feel pathetic anymore (thank god). I think the situation is beyond pathetic. Obviously, I'm also in the angry zone, displaying behaviour that I'm not proud of. Well, I wasn't at all surprised that my overture led to nothing. I am a sad and broken man. Rejection is simply the way it goes. I was, however, taken aback by the depth of her disgust this time. Later, I had to endure an hour long lecture about how this made her feel bad, and how it was gross and inappropriate. Etc. As i said, she wins. I will not touch her again in any way if i can help it. She will lose, big time, when you eventually leave her... |
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Post by lyn on Dec 12, 2016 11:36:55 GMT -5
It is so blasted unfair novembercomingfire. If you could, in any way, try not to take her rejection personally, or at the least look at it rationally. She is a sad, broken woman who wants you to feel the way she does (quite possibly anyway). Whatever has turned her into this gem of a spouse is NO EXCUSE for the way she is and has been treating and treated you. You're a kind and obviously loving man. And courageous I might add. If and when you're able to break-away from this situation, you will have women lining up to date you, if that's what you want. If my H had an ounce of your sensitivity, I could consider staying. 'Sad and 'broken' will lead to anger and hostility (if you're not there already). These feelings we derive from our bogus marriages are so dangerous and ultimately incredibly damaging to our mental health and will eventually ruin one's physical health if left to fester. Corrosive feelings that can leave one an empty shell of a person. Once I looked st my thing rationally (as much as I could as this has gone on for so long), I no longer (almost) take his rejection &a abandonment personally. This has helped my self esteem a bit. Drenched in anger though at times - actively trying to work through it before it kills me. So, I guess there must be a reason for all of this............ what that reason or lesson is, I sure as hell don't know yet. |
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Post by csl on Dec 12, 2016 12:18:46 GMT -5
Oh novembercomingfire , how did you feel after? Angry? Irritated? Sad? Im sorry you had to go through that . But, you know what they say, "The squeaky wheel gets the grease". Well, it should anyway. Personally, I've gone through the spectrum of feelings as time has passed. As of late, I've realized that I make comments about us having sex (that in any NORMAL relationship would equate to playful sexual banter) like when we're out at dinner/cocktails...... most men would love this...... my husband just gets a stupid look on his face. I hate to admit it but, I now make these "playful" comments knowing what his reaction will be. I'm at the point where I almost think it's funny - well, pathetic is probably a better word. No, I don't feel pathetic anymore (thank god). I think the situation is beyond pathetic. Obviously, I'm also in the angry zone, displaying behaviour that I'm not proud of. Well, I wasn't at all surprised that my overture led to nothing. I am a sad and broken man. Rejection is simply the way it goes. I was, however, taken aback by the depth of her disgust this time. Later, I had to endure an hour long lecture about how this made her feel bad, and how it was gross and inappropriate. Etc. As i said, she wins. I will not touch her again in any way if i can help it. Uh, no you didn't. You've got feet, use them. Simply say, "I don't have to listen to this crap" and go to the gym or a movie. |
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Post by novembercomingfire on Dec 12, 2016 12:23:53 GMT -5
Well, I wasn't at all surprised that my overture led to nothing. I am a sad and broken man. Rejection is simply the way it goes. I was, however, taken aback by the depth of her disgust this time. Later, I had to endure an hour long lecture about how this made her feel bad, and how it was gross and inappropriate. Etc. As i said, she wins. I will not touch her again in any way if i can help it. Uh, no you didn't. You've got feet, use them. Simply say, "I don't have to listen to this crap" and go to the gym or a movie. That point is well taken. However, it was after midnight and I was trying to sleep at the time ... no excuse, I know. |
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 12, 2016 12:33:40 GMT -5
Oh novembercomingfire, how did you feel after? Angry? Irritated? Sad? Im sorry you had to go through that . But, you know what they say, "The squeaky wheel gets the grease". Well, it should anyway. Personally, I've gone through the spectrum of feelings as time has passed. As of late, I've realized that I make comments about us having sex (that in any NORMAL relationship would equate to playful sexual banter) like when we're out at dinner/cocktails...... most men would love this...... my husband just gets a stupid look on his face. I hate to admit it but, I now make these "playful" comments knowing what his reaction will be. I'm at the point where I almost think it's funny - well, pathetic is probably a better word. No, I don't feel pathetic anymore (thank god). I think the situation is beyond pathetic. Obviously, I'm also in the angry zone, displaying behaviour that I'm not proud of. Well, I wasn't at all surprised that my overture led to nothing. I am a sad and broken man. Rejection is simply the way it goes. I was, however, taken aback by the depth of her disgust this time. Later, I had to endure an hour long lecture about how this made her feel bad, and how it was gross and inappropriate. Etc. As i said, she wins. I will not touch her again in any way if i can help it. And it's fair for you to let her know that! The same way she can say things to you that she finds disgusting, you can say to her that you find her attitude towards marriage inappropriate and disgusting and she should not ever worry again about you trying to be loving and affectionate because you are all tapped out where she is concerned. |
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. But, you know what they say, "The squeaky wheel gets the grease". Well, it should anyway.
