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Post by JonDoe on Dec 10, 2016 9:17:16 GMT -5
My STBX suffers from what I call the "Mary Poppins Syndrome" because she truly believes that she is practically perfect in every way. Anytime that I came to her to share my feelings she immediately became defensive because she couldn't bear to see herself as being anything less than perfect. For years, I was baffled and confused as to how she could be so heartless, then I finally realized she has a deep seated need to feel perfect, which is a much stronger force than her ability to empathize. However, I never figured out how to express my feelings with her effectively, yet I foolishly never gave up trying until now, 25+ years later. I'm not sure it is even possible.
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Post by thebaffledking on Dec 10, 2016 9:19:06 GMT -5
DITTO, brother! You nailed it!
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Post by novembercomingfire on Dec 10, 2016 9:43:14 GMT -5
My STBX suffers from what I call the "Mary Poppins Syndrome" because she truly believes that she is practically perfect in every way. Anytime that I came to her to share my feelings she immediately became defensive because she couldn't bear to see herself as being anything less than perfect. For years, I was baffled and confused as to how she could be so heartless, then I finally realized she has a deep seated need to feel perfect, which is a much stronger force than her ability to empathize. However, I never figured out how to express my feelings with her effectively, yet I foolishly never gave up trying until now, 25+ years later. I'm not sure it is even possible. It is almost certainly impossible and moveover, an exercise utterly devoid of value for you in my opinion. I was probably more deluded than you, because I saw my wife's extreme narcissism as somethibg that could be changed. As the partner of a narcissist, i think you have a pretty good understanding of the unfixable. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 10, 2016 10:29:17 GMT -5
My STBX suffers from what I call the "Mary Poppins Syndrome" because she truly believes that she is practically perfect in every way. Anytime that I came to her to share my feelings she immediately became defensive because she couldn't bear to see herself as being anything less than perfect. For years, I was baffled and confused as to how she could be so heartless, then I finally realized she has a deep seated need to feel perfect, which is a much stronger force than her ability to empathize. However, I never figured out how to express my feelings with her effectively, yet I foolishly never gave up trying until now, 25+ years later. I'm not sure it is even possible. It is almost certainly impossible and moveover, an exercise utterly devoid of value for you in my opinion. I was probably more deluded than you, because I saw my wife's extreme narcissism as somethibg that could be changed. As the partner of a narcissist, i think you have a pretty good understanding of the unfixable. How true. What is especially annoying is when they reject your way of doing things or handling a situation. "you get to angry, you don't do enough, your way won't work." Or worse, just the flat out, "NO", with a lame , meaningless excuse that has nothing to do with the topic at hand. A typical diversion from the truth. So you retreat, and tell yourself, "fine, let her handle it.". later you realize her way was 95% your way to begin with! But you were wrong, and now she want's all the credit. So much of this has to do with raising children. You later discover that she has no intention of backing "HER" way of doing things, and they begin to crumble, and somehow none of it will ever be her fault, the unfixable. Reminds me of the time I took the H.S. team bus home to wash it , and paint it. It needed gas in it. I filled it with regular before returning it. It takes diesel. It was drained and the fuel was used for killing weeds around the county. I had good intentions, I went above and beyond, I gave more than what was expected, I was 95% correct. Yet, I messed up, it was wrong. Deposit your kind of energy in the right kind of engine. |
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Post by Rhapsodee on Dec 10, 2016 11:06:07 GMT -5
Oh! I know this one! Narcissistic!
"Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of ultraconfidence lies a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the slightest criticism."
My husband is narcissistic too. It really messes with your head.
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Post by solodriver on Dec 10, 2016 13:57:01 GMT -5
My STBX suffers from what I call the "Mary Poppins Syndrome" because she truly believes that she is practically perfect in every way. Anytime that I came to her to share my feelings she immediately became defensive because she couldn't bear to see herself as being anything less than perfect. For years, I was baffled and confused as to how she could be so heartless, then I finally realized she has a deep seated need to feel perfect, which is a much stronger force than her ability to empathize. However, I never figured out how to express my feelings with her effectively, yet I foolishly never gave up trying until now, 25+ years later. I'm not sure it is even possible. Describes my wife perfectly. And add to the fact that she can't see how being connected physically could be so important to me because she says she loves me without the sexual component. She tells me love is deeper than that and that I focus on the wrong part of love.
She will never get it and I won't try to help her understand anymore. I just think it's so sad to think about what we had and what we've missed out on for the past 16 years with each other with the sexual part missing completely.
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Post by novembercomingfire on Dec 10, 2016 14:22:40 GMT -5
My STBX suffers from what I call the "Mary Poppins Syndrome" because she truly believes that she is practically perfect in every way. Anytime that I came to her to share my feelings she immediately became defensive because she couldn't bear to see herself as being anything less than perfect. For years, I was baffled and confused as to how she could be so heartless, then I finally realized she has a deep seated need to feel perfect, which is a much stronger force than her ability to empathize. However, I never figured out how to express my feelings with her effectively, yet I foolishly never gave up trying until now, 25+ years later. I'm not sure it is even possible. Describes my wife perfectly. And add to the fact that she can't see how being connected physically could be so important to me because she says she loves me without the sexual component. She tells me love is deeper than that and that I focus on the wrong part of love.
She will never get it and I won't try to help her understand anymore. I just think it's so sad to think about what we had and what we've missed out on for the past 16 years with each other with the sexual part missing completely.
I don't think my wife thinks that we, or she, missed out on anything. She got what she wanted - celibacy. If anyone were to question the normalcy of this (celibacy in marriage), she can always fall back on my failure to perform enough acts of service to make her desire me. She wins, in her mind, in either case. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Dec 10, 2016 16:00:28 GMT -5
Oh! I know this one! Narcissistic! "Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of ultraconfidence lies a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the slightest criticism." My husband is narcissistic too. It really messes with your head. I never really knew this definition. This was me. I mean, maybe it really was both of us: Ex & me. But the old me really fit this. I got out to save my spirit. I'm still resuscitating it currently but I did drag it out of the muck at least. I'm heading in the right direction. But I never knew that I fit this. I admit that I did. I really hope I don't fall back into that if given a future chance at relationship. |
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Post by lyn on Dec 10, 2016 16:07:15 GMT -5
Oh! I know this one! Narcissistic! "Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of ultraconfidence lies a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the slightest criticism." My husband is narcissistic too. It really messes with your head. I never really knew this definition. This was me. I mean, maybe it really was both of us: Ex & me. But the old me really fit this. I got out to save my spirit. I'm still resuscitating it currently but I did drag it out of the muck at least. I'm heading in the right direction. But I never knew that I fit this. I admit that I did. I really hope I don't fall back into that if given a future chance at relationship. Just so you know @geekgoddess, I think you're so inspiring! |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Dec 10, 2016 16:17:45 GMT -5
I never really knew this definition. This was me. I mean, maybe it really was both of us: Ex & me. But the old me really fit this. I got out to save my spirit. I'm still resuscitating it currently but I did drag it out of the muck at least. I'm heading in the right direction. But I never knew that I fit this. I admit that I did. I really hope I don't fall back into that if given a future chance at relationship. Just so you know @geekgoddess, I think you're so inspiring! Well thank you, lyn! I'm not all that bad, if I do say so myself. Hehehe I do wish I had "all the money in the world" to travel around and meet our merry band in person. This forum includes some of my favorite people in my world despite that so many of them are strictly a screen name with a warm heart, great advice, & generous natures. I love this place & you all on it! |
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Post by baza on Dec 10, 2016 17:29:56 GMT -5
Back in the day, I think my missus had a similar viewpoint as your missus Brother JonDoe.
There was a bit of a difference though - She didn't necessarily want to BE "practically perfect" but she most definitely did want the outside world to be see her that way.
She actually knew she was a flawed person (as indeed am I) and, I speculate, was so fearful of this that she developed a coping mechanism of burying this fear in a deep hole behind a wall.
That coping mechanism wasn't sustainable and must have caused her enormous internal conflict, and it cost her plenty. Friendships, jobs, social involvement, and ultimately, her marriage.
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Post by Rhapsodee on Dec 15, 2016 10:16:47 GMT -5
Oh! I know this one! Narcissistic! "Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of ultraconfidence lies a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the slightest criticism." My husband is narcissistic too. It really messes with your head. I never really knew this definition. This was me. I mean, maybe it really was both of us: Ex & me. But the old me really fit this. I got out to save my spirit. I'm still resuscitating it currently but I did drag it out of the muck at least. I'm heading in the right direction. But I never knew that I fit this. I admit that I did. I really hope I don't fall back into that if given a future chance at relationship. Gg! I don't see that in you! Maybe your X made you feel that way with his refusal and the things he said to you. Hey, according to my hub I'm a 1%'er! I'm someone that can never be satisfied because I always want more. My expectations are to high.... Is that true? Maybe. We internalize all the trash talk. We all carry baggage. We all have things to overcome, but how much of it has been planted there by someone else? |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Dec 15, 2016 10:49:11 GMT -5
I never really knew this definition. This was me. I mean, maybe it really was both of us: Ex & me. But the old me really fit this. I got out to save my spirit. I'm still resuscitating it currently but I did drag it out of the muck at least. I'm heading in the right direction. But I never knew that I fit this. I admit that I did. I really hope I don't fall back into that if given a future chance at relationship. Gg! I don't see that in you! Maybe your X made you feel that way with his refusal and the things he said to you. Hey, according to my hub I'm a 1%'er! I'm someone that can never be satisfied because I always want more. My expectations are to high.... Is that true? Maybe. We internalize all the trash talk. We all carry baggage. We all have things to overcome, but how much of it has been planted there by someone else? For me, confidence & self-esteem have been off & on like cloudy days. I've had a lifelong struggle with both. Much of that drove the alcoholic in me. Also joined Adult Children of Alcoholics last year (before even deciding on the split). A lot of my issues were from my upbringing- which is not to say "my mother" as much as my personality taking things a certain way, the times of the 70's, not knowing how to individuate my own "self" - being emotionally & psychologically stunted, I learned to cope using bad coping skills. I recreated this dysfunction in my married life...or helped to, at least. Starting with picking a married man, deferring to his loyalty for his kids (never insisting that our relationship becomes a greater priority than "blood" - which I now think is totally BS that I sold myself so short). Anyway- just like he trained me how to treat him, I am indeed responsible for training him that treating me badly was OK. I will own that. I need to, so that I can someday give an honest amends & move on. This is my current take on it, anyway. I am responsible for allowing things to devolve without speaking up for what I didn't like. I should have been more true to my spirit--if that meant it would have fallen apart earlier, well - maybe that would have been healthier. In any case - I don't regret the past. I am learning from it & using it to inform my present. And hope I won't forget these lessons in the future. |
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Post by solodriver on Dec 16, 2016 1:11:59 GMT -5
Just so you know @geekgoddess, I think you're so inspiring! Well thank you, lyn ! I'm not all that bad, if I do say so myself. Hehehe I do wish I had "all the money in the world" to travel around and meet our merry band in person. This forum includes some of my favorite people in my world despite that so many of them are strictly a screen name with a warm heart, great advice, & generous natures. I love this place & you all on it! GG SMs have messed with all of us and we are all in different stages of dealing/recovering from it. Do not believe anything that your refuser would say that is negative to you and think it's true. After all, they are a liar because they told us they would always love, honor and cherish us. They lied to us!
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Post by itsjustus on Dec 19, 2016 16:33:39 GMT -5
Oh! I know this one! Narcissistic! "Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of ultraconfidence lies a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the slightest criticism." My husband is narcissistic too. It really messes with your head. I never really knew this definition. This was me. I mean, maybe it really was both of us: Ex & me. But the old me really fit this. I got out to save my spirit. I'm still resuscitating it currently but I did drag it out of the muck at least. I'm heading in the right direction. But I never knew that I fit this. I admit that I did. I really hope I don't fall back into that if given a future chance at relationship. GG. Stop. You....Are....Not....A....Narcissist. I know that you recognize some of the traits described in Rhapsodee's description. We all, everyone of us, have moments where every phase of a Narcissistic disorder fits. However...and this is a BIG however...A true Narcissist cannot stop it. A true Narcissist becomes dysfunctional or can start to show Sociopathic tendency's. A true narcissist's deepest need is for....control. To control how people view them. To fuel that deep need for admiration. To try and offset a very deep lack of self-esteem.
My father is a diagnosed Narcissist, and it is striking the lack of empathy he shows for others. The feeling of being above others, never in the wrong, and a complete air of superiority, that he can't turn off. He IS God, and should be praised. His one goal in life is to control others.
I believe my Ex has the same tendency's, having controlled me, and my family for many years thru applications of gas lighting and extreme outbursts of anger to tamp down any signs of revolt against her rule. She could never be wrong, couldn't be questioned....she ruled all. Her goal in life is to control others.
Both had extreme, and extraordinary damage to their self-esteem and confidence in childhood.
But the main thing to keep in mind is, like other mental disorders, these tendency's cannot be turned on and off at will. And unique to Narcissism, it is considered by the medical field to be the one disorder that is the most difficult, if not impossible disorder to change. Being true Narcissist's, they can never admit to a weakness such as Narcissism. How do you convince someone who cannot be wrong.....that they are wrong. By admitting that you may fit this description, by its very nature, would show that you are not. It is not something that you can fall back into. It's something you fall into, and never come out of.
I know you most likely don't really consider yourself a Narcissist, and may even feel that I am going overboard with my reaction. But I lived with two, my father and my wife, two people who are suppose to be among the most important people you can have in your life. The suffering and damage that I and my family endured is to this day, very painful. Having been mis-diagnosed with a mental disorder myself for many years, I know of the damage that that can have as well. Having lived it, I wanted to make this observation.
So yeah.,...I may go a little overboard sometimes....lol. Besides.....Like others have said, you are a sweetheart!! 
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