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Post by JonDoe on Dec 10, 2016 9:06:21 GMT -5
Having anything other than a very light conversation with this woman is totally exhausting. She always talks over me, makes assumptions about my intentions or what I'm about to say next, and takes most things I say out of context. When I politely ask her to let me finish then she rolls her eyes, huffs and puffs, and says things like "fine", "anyway", or "whatever", which drives me nuts.
The divorce process is going to be 1000 times more difficult unless she miraculously just agrees to everything, which has nearly a 0% chance of happening.
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Post by thebaffledking on Dec 10, 2016 9:11:31 GMT -5
Communication breakdown? Yeah, it's always the same. Just don't let her give you a nervous breakdown.............or drive you insane.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 10, 2016 9:24:14 GMT -5
Having anything other than a very light conversation with this woman is totally exhausting. She always talks over me, makes assumptions about my intentions or what I'm about to say next, and takes most things I say out of context. When I politely ask her to let me finish then she rolls her eyes, huffs and puffs, and says things like "fine", "anyway", or "whatever", which drives me nuts. The divorce process is going to be 1000 times more difficult unless she miraculously just agrees to everything, which has nearly a 0% chance of happening. Honestly, JD, what i am discovering, the divorce seems easier. Your wife, like mine, is now up against attorneys, mediators, therapists, accountants, judges, and the law, not just you who has been giving in to keep the peace. The more she disagrees and shows her narc. side, the more a judge and her attorney will tell her, "they don't want to put up with that ridiculous, disrespectful, nonsense. Things will be split 50/50. And you get a 100% new beginning. |
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Post by iceman on Dec 13, 2016 8:52:13 GMT -5
It's the same for me. Any conversation deeper than discussing the weather, and sometimes not even that is safe, will inevitably lead to a conflict. 99% of the time I have no idea that I said something to set her off. It's exhausting. Maybe I'm just oblivious. And she wonders why I keep my distance from her. We're getting along now only because we don't talk about anything deeper than the weather.
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Post by nancyb on Dec 13, 2016 8:58:52 GMT -5
There is little other than relatively polite conversation but seething underneath of that is a shit load of anger and hurt.
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Post by novembercomingfire on Dec 13, 2016 9:13:09 GMT -5
There is little other than relatively polite conversation but seething underneath of that is a shit load of anger and hurt. I am trying with all my might to reduce communication to a minimum. I am routinely told that our problems are the result of me not communicating, but anything that i say is dismissed and/or ridiculed and/or an example of how i am trying to manipulate or hurt her in some way. I am starting to shed the anger and bitterness - to a degree. But the emptiness that remains is a pretty cold trade ... |
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 13, 2016 9:20:36 GMT -5
It's the same for me. Any conversation deeper than discussing the weather, and sometimes not even that is safe, will inevitably lead to a conflict. 99% of the time I have no idea that I said something to set her off. It's exhausting. Maybe I'm just oblivious. And she wonders why I keep my distance from her. We're getting along now only because we don't talk about anything deeper than the weather. 100% in agreement. The reality is, that's not getting along, in what's supposed to be a marriage. What helped me, was when I kept a journal ,studied it, read it to her with our therapist, listened and watched her avoid it. Once I got the strength and the nerve to start doing things my way, (like disciplining the teens, or making plans to do things with the family) she would start "the conflict". I used her own logic and manipulative control right back at her. Words like, " whatever. oh well, not my problem, I can't answer that, I don't know what you mean, that's not important, well you can feel that way, you get too angry, you should let them do that, it's no big deal, I don't see the need for that, etc..." Here's a game changer. The day I went across the table and hugged my son and said, "you don't have to do that, your mom's just upset, It's okay, i'll protect you". Like she did to me years ago at Christmas. Next step is total avoidance. No communication, zero compromise, while she does things her way. All leading to a clearer understanding that the marriage died long ago, and the freedom will be in the divorce. |
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Post by nancyb on Dec 13, 2016 9:21:26 GMT -5
I am working on channeling the anger...art, writing,, swimming. Anything to keep the energy moving.
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Post by iceman on Dec 13, 2016 9:45:28 GMT -5
I am working on channeling the anger...art, writing,, swimming. Anything to keep the energy moving. Exercise is great for keeping emotions in balance. Burns energy and gives endorphins. If I don't get my daily exercise - running, swimming, cycling, whatever, I get pretty cranky. |
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Post by iceman on Dec 13, 2016 11:45:19 GMT -5
It's the same for me. Any conversation deeper than discussing the weather, and sometimes not even that is safe, will inevitably lead to a conflict. 99% of the time I have no idea that I said something to set her off. It's exhausting. Maybe I'm just oblivious. And she wonders why I keep my distance from her. We're getting along now only because we don't talk about anything deeper than the weather. 100% in agreement. The reality is, that's not getting along, in what's supposed to be a marriage. What helped me, was when I kept a journal ,studied it, read it to her with our therapist, listened and watched her avoid it. Once I got the strength and the nerve to start doing things my way, (like disciplining the teens, or making plans to do things with the family) she would start "the conflict". I used her own logic and manipulative control right back at her. Words like, " whatever. oh well, not my problem, I can't answer that, I don't know what you mean, that's not important, well you can feel that way, you get too angry, you should let them do that, it's no big deal, I don't see the need for that, etc..." Here's a game changer. The day I went across the table and hugged my son and said, "you don't have to do that, your mom's just upset, It's okay, i'll protect you". Like she did to me years ago at Christmas. Next step is total avoidance. No communication, zero compromise, while she does things her way. All leading to a clearer understanding that the marriage died long ago, and the freedom will be in the divorce. We have problems like this all the time. She wants to things her way, whether it's dealing our kids or something like cleaning. If I even question what she's doing without implying she's doing something wrong she'll go off about how I don't respect her. If I don't back her up when dealing with the kids and it's something I have a fundamental disagreement with or she's way out of line she won't talk about with me calmly. She'll again start yelling how I don't respect her. Meanwhile, she has absolutely no problem with disagreeing loudly with things I do or how I deal with the kids. if I take umbrage with her remarks and try to engage in an actual conversation once again I'm not showing her respect. She doesn't seem to be able have calm rational conversations when the topic is something about which we may have differing points of view. In her mind, such conversations are fights and any words out of my mouth, no matter how calmly I speak them, is yelling at her. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 13, 2016 14:36:48 GMT -5
100% in agreement. The reality is, that's not getting along, in what's supposed to be a marriage. What helped me, was when I kept a journal ,studied it, read it to her with our therapist, listened and watched her avoid it. Once I got the strength and the nerve to start doing things my way, (like disciplining the teens, or making plans to do things with the family) she would start "the conflict". I used her own logic and manipulative control right back at her. Words like, " whatever. oh well, not my problem, I can't answer that, I don't know what you mean, that's not important, well you can feel that way, you get too angry, you should let them do that, it's no big deal, I don't see the need for that, etc..." Here's a game changer. The day I went across the table and hugged my son and said, "you don't have to do that, your mom's just upset, It's okay, i'll protect you". Like she did to me years ago at Christmas. Next step is total avoidance. No communication, zero compromise, while she does things her way. All leading to a clearer understanding that the marriage died long ago, and the freedom will be in the divorce. We have problems like this all the time. She wants to things her way, whether it's dealing our kids or something like cleaning. If I even question what she's doing without implying she's doing something wrong she'll go off about how I don't respect her. If I don't back her up when dealing with the kids and it's something I have a fundamental disagreement with or she's way out of line she won't talk about with me calmly. She'll again start yelling how I don't respect her. Meanwhile, she has absolutely no problem with disagreeing loudly with things I do or how I deal with the kids. if I take umbrage with her remarks and try to engage in an actual conversation once again I'm not showing her respect. She doesn't seem to be able have calm rational conversations when the topic is something about which we may have differing points of view. In her mind, such conversations are fights and any words out of my mouth, no matter how calmly I speak them, is yelling at her. Time to literally stand up and walk out, or up the volume on the tv. She needs to hear the words,(repeatedly) " I will speak to you when you are ready to listen." When she continues to fly off the handle, use tactful language, "YOU! are arrogant, rude, childish, and disrespectful, I will speak to you when YOU are ready to listen." Then go about your plans, singing "happy days are here again", even though you are dying inside, because that's not you, you are a giver, you want to give in, you want to compromise, you like pleasing others. Just cling to the HOPE that you are helping her, and there is nothing wrong with helping and defending yourself. If a total stranger spoke to your spouse in a loud disrespectful way, would you defend her? Most likely. Defending yourself, stepping up, for yourself is no different. I am constantly learning that. |
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Post by baza on Dec 13, 2016 18:56:57 GMT -5
I think Brother GreatCoastal makes a very valid point.
When your missus starts dealing with her lawyer, mediator, judge etc etc, a dismissive attitude will not cut it.
She may well have gotten away with treating you disrespectfully and dismissively (and likely, she will continue to do so as this all unfolds) but that attitude will cut no ice with professionals.
All they are interested in are the facts, "who's to blame", "who is 'right' / 'wrong', "who has a 'good' / 'bad' attitude" etc is not especially relevant to the proceedings.
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Essentially, sure, your missus can continue to behave disrespectfully toward you, and probably will. That, is to do with your and her relationship as a stand alone issue.
But that will make no material difference to the divorce action or the outcome of it. That is a stand alone issue also.
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ed3
New Member
Wife is detached from reality
Posts: 6 
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Post by ed3 on Dec 13, 2016 20:32:46 GMT -5
Great subject. My refuser wife actually gets mad when I talk before she is done. I learned to give hear time to finish thought. When you get interupted be patient with other person even though that is very hard
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 13, 2016 23:39:29 GMT -5
Great subject. My refuser wife actually gets mad when I talk before she is done. I learned to give hear time to finish thought. When you get interupted be patient with other person even though that is very hard My ex used to do that. He would be talking about something, maybe something we weren't agreeing on, then take a long pause so I thought he was done and I'd start talking then he yelled at me for interrupting him. I would say - I thought you were done you stopped talking. Just pure exhausting insanity! I love living with just the kids now and some days by myself. A lot more peaceful. |
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Post by thebaffledking on Dec 14, 2016 5:10:22 GMT -5
Her tonight: "You think it's possible to close the gate (baby gate for dog) so he doesn't pee in here?........Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr........is that just wishful thinking on my part?"
Lovely woman.
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