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Post by thebaffledking on Dec 9, 2016 23:00:34 GMT -5
On top of years of emotional abuse, no sex and no touching , he is now going on vacation by himself. sarita, are you referring to your husband? Me? I'm kind of obtuse, forgive my confusion.......... |
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Post by lyn on Dec 10, 2016 3:41:13 GMT -5
Hey thebaffledking - thank you for sharing these snippets from your story. It was heartbreaking to read. I wish I knew your wife IRL as I would dump a pot of coffee over her head. Just a hunch, but, I have a feeling your kids realize how abusive she is - it seems blatantly obvious. I have college-age kids (a son & daughter) - they can be cruel sometimes without really realizing what they're saying/doing. I'm thinking of the twitter situation. Sometimes kids gravitate towards the abusive parent almost subconsciously as that person seems to have all the power so-to-speak. I have a feeling once you're out and living your life they will be able to appreciate what you've gone through - even without all of the sordid details. it could take some time however. As they get older and as your true self is able to emerge without the weight of this abusive monkey on your back, they will see you for the kind and loving dad that you are. |
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Post by thebaffledking on Dec 10, 2016 3:49:02 GMT -5
Hey thebaffledking - thank you for sharing these snippets from your story. It was heartbreaking to read. I wish I knew your wife IRL as I would dump a pot of coffee over her head. Just a hunch, but, I have a feeling your kids realize how abusive she is - it seems blatantly obvious. I have college-age kids (a son & daughter) - they can be cruel sometimes without really realizing what they're saying/doing. I'm thinking of the twitter situation. Sometimes kids gravitate towards the abusive parent almost subconsciously as that person seems to have all the power so-to-speak. I have a feeling once you're out and living your life they will be able to appreciate what you've gone through - even without all of the sordid details. it could take some time however. As they get older and as your true self is able to emerge without the weight of this abusive monkey on your back, they will see you for the kind and loving dad that you are. lyn, thank you so much for this. It's all I can hope for. I suspect my kids have been lured into her dysfunctional dynamic, subconsciously of course. They adore her.....though they have been around to witness the mistreatment, my feeling is that they have always thought, 'If mom's not happy with him, neither should we be.......just glad he's paying for college and all the bills." I'm an outcast right now, and she wouldn't allow anything more when they're around (I could give dozens of examples of this......I'll give the most recent one in a bit after I get home).......which is why they won't know who I am until I am out, happy, and being properly loved by a good, well-balanced, loving woman. |
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Post by lyn on Dec 10, 2016 4:05:18 GMT -5
@thebaffled king - of course I don't know them, but, subconsciously, I'm sure they know what she is. Children can and will often still love the abusive parent. They've probably been subtly manipulated by her their entire lives. They probably hold back the respect that you clearly deserve out of self-preservation at a very basic, instinctive level. They don't want her all over their ass next!
One thing is probably true though, they can't be happy with you until YOU are happy with you. I swear I have this exact conversation to my mirror at least once per day.
One day, it WILL be better and you will be happy. Your kids are lucky to have a dad who truly cares about them. That's not as common as one would think!
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Post by thebaffledking on Dec 10, 2016 5:30:53 GMT -5
Thanks, lyn, you're awesome! Here's a recent story of sheer emotional manipulation of the kids. This past summer we were visiting my daughter and her BF (college kids, both). They had a bunch of laundry to do, so we all piled into the car and went to a laundromat. The clothes are loaded and we all sit down at a table to wait it out. The kids have their phones out, I brought my laptop, so we're all kind of talking while we also kill time on our devices. Well, after about five minutes, mom just gets up and walks away. She puts her sunglasses on (inside) and is just standing over by the machines, clearly with her jaw set and pissed/sad. Finally, D gets up and takes the bait.......mom and D end up sitting alone against the far wall, chatting it up while BF and I are looking around like WTF?
That's what she does. If momma ain't happy, ain't no one happy. This is just ONE example of how she has manipulated the kids over the years.......it's a sick dynamic......but they defer to her and they love her. Even today, as a young 20-something, if mom's around and we're visiting family or something, D will stay by mom;s side the entire time and not speak unless spoken to by the relatives. And sometimes mom even answers for her. Now my daughter is a strong young gal, and lived on her own, worked full time and took a full load, far from home.....but when mom is around, she changes and sticks to mom like glue. It's VERY weird.......but I think mom loves it......it's how she set things up to be.
She has also recently started to email both sides of the family with HER news, and signs off just as herself..........I find this VERY odd.........and so does my mom!
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Post by thebaffledking on Dec 10, 2016 5:50:16 GMT -5
Oh, here's one, I got a million of 'em!!! We're picnicking with her brother one day about ten years ago. He's a nice guy, I like him. We're visiting and staying at his house that night. He says the kids can all sleep out in the family tent, and we will be in the guest room. She gives me a funny look and says, 'Well, okay, as long as he doesn;t try to make me do that 'monkey' thing...' She was referring to the fact that I'd recently asked her to straddle me as I sat in a chair....it lasted about 20 seconds and she got off saying it was perverted.......but to make a joke out of it in front of her brother? Embarrassed the shit out of me. SHE HAS NEVER LIKED SEX.
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 10, 2016 6:28:03 GMT -5
I suspect when you tell your kids that you are divorcing they will understand and may even say what took so long. My son was begging me to divorce his father.
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Post by nancyb on Dec 10, 2016 7:46:48 GMT -5
Children, whatever their age are perceptive. They are well aware of the dynamics of your marriage. If you take the high road and don't speak despairingly about your STBX (to them) they will come to you in time and ask you what took you so long.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 10, 2016 8:31:10 GMT -5
Now that I am in the beginning of the divorce, I find myself talking to my teens, by saying, "remember when, this happened, or you thought I was..?" And they end up saying, "yea, mom seemed really mad about that, or she blamed you for that, or mom says we can't?" That opens the door for presenting your side. The side that has been manipulated coerced, hidden, for so long, all in the name of "keeping the peace, and family first."
The truth can come out, in the name of, "don't let that happen to you". "Stand up for yourself, do not let mom, or your friends ride over you like a tank."
I had to say to my 13 yr old daughter as we were walking alone on the beach, "I know you hate homeschool and want to go to public school. My thoughts and opinions mean nothing to your mom. But you can be the squeaky wheel that gets the grease. Continue to tell her how much you hate it, and what YOU want, and why." My daughter did just that. She is the happiest I've ever seen her with her new friends, straight A's too!
The same toxic environment , that her mother swears was going to rip her apart. my daughter is thriving in, and rightfully, joyfully, standing up for herself , and putting people in there place, when needed.
It reminds me of the time I overheard my 19 yr old son being coerced and led to the slaughter house by some prostitute that he met on line. My son was adopted from China at 14 yrs old, brought to America, was homeschooled, lived in an orphanage since he was 5 yrs. old. He is A giver who can be easily manipulated.
We went out for lunch and I dumped a whole slew of my past experiences with my first fiance', and issues with his mother. He had seen what was happening. The manipulative control that mom puts on everyone.
He dumped his new girlfriend shortly after our conversation.
The time is here, NEVER, NEVER, be ashamed to ask for help, guidance, and comfort, from others. Don't let your male pride and ego, keep you hidden in a cave. Do you have a reliable mentor. I suggest you reach out, make yourself vulnerable and ask for it. Start receiving what is good for you.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 10, 2016 8:57:46 GMT -5
When the opportunity is there, (now that we are divorcing) I tell my teens, "those where things your mother wanted, I did not, I disagreed, or I had said, lets try it and see. Well those things never get changed and become permanent.." " I wanted this, your mother wanted that, you see what happened, every time.
"Sometimes just a generalization of things, a brief summary. They will ask for details, or share their own, (which really helps verify the truth in what you are telling them) or say very little, because they get it.
You will also find that they will not go back and discuss it with mom, because they too are discovering what a manipulate controller they have been dealing with.
Nothing wrong with re-enforcing, "mom is not a bad person, mom was raised different from me, we are different, your mom will always be good at..... just like I am good at......."
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Post by thebaffledking on Dec 10, 2016 9:23:06 GMT -5
I suspect when you tell your kids that you are divorcing they will understand and may even say what took so long. My son was begging me to divorce his father. I think their initial reaction will be shock that it was ME who initiated......but who knows. |
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Post by JonDoe on Dec 10, 2016 9:49:17 GMT -5
I suspect when you tell your kids that you are divorcing they will understand and may even say what took so long. My son was begging me to divorce his father. Several years ago, my son was begging his mother to leave me. He was young and immature and he saw her fighting with me when I wanted to set proper boundaries for our son. Naturally he wanted to have his way, and his mother always gave in to him. He honed his manipulative skills under her tutelage. She would buy him large bottles of gin and vodka, and give him beer to take to underage parties. She also knew he was smoking pot and hid it from me, and even lied to me when I questioned whether he was getting high whenever I had suspicions. I stood firm regardless of the unrelenting pressure from the two of them and the potential consequences on my marriage. I explained that I would die for either of them, but I would not go to prison for anyone, and recorded several conversations as proof that I was not the guilty party. Thankfully nothing seriously bad ever happened as a result, but I also glad I wasn't foolish enough to ever take that chance. I recently had a conversation with my son about relationships while visiting him at college. He suggested that his mother and I should put our relationship first, and should not have put the kids first for so many years. I shared with him that his mother has always either intentionally or unintentionally given higher priority to many people and things other than our marriage, and I have warned her numerous times of the consequences this would have on our relationship in the long term. Then I promised him that someday when the time was right that I would sit down to share more with him, but at the moment I was emotionally exhausted. I also told him not to worry, that I will always love and support him. |
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Post by ggold on Dec 10, 2016 12:05:23 GMT -5
thebaffledking OMG. My mouth dropped open while reading your stories. Then, I had tears in my eyes. The emotional abuse you have endured has left you battered and defeated. No wonder you are having such difficulty exiting. This reminds me of what my sister endured. She recently divorced her sociopathic husband after 24 years of marriage. He emotionally abused her and she became trapped. She was doing her best to raise her four children (two sets of twin girls) while being manipulated by him. We all knew she had to leave this marriage, but she couldn't do it. She was defeated. He won. He had control over her and the kids. Did she allow this? Yes, she knew that. It does not matter, though. She didn't have the strength physically or mentally to leave. Her children are now older (20, 16). The older two despise their father. The younger two still feel a bond with him. He has one wrapped around his finger. As I stated, they finally divorced this year. He had a girlfriend, bought a house, and moved in with the GF and her kids. I swear to you if he didn't do this, my sister might STILL be with him!!! You know I am sending you healing and positive vibes. This is so difficult. Envision the happiness that is ahead of you when you exit. It's there. Feel it and believe it. xo
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Post by lyn on Dec 10, 2016 12:06:29 GMT -5
Thanks, lyn, you're awesome! Here's a recent story of sheer emotional manipulation of the kids. This past summer we were visiting my daughter and her BF (college kids, both). They had a bunch of laundry to do, so we all piled into the car and went to a laundromat. The clothes are loaded and we all sit down at a table to wait it out. The kids have their phones out, I brought my laptop, so we're all kind of talking while we also kill time on our devices. Well, after about five minutes, mom just gets up and walks away. She puts her sunglasses on (inside) and is just standing over by the machines, clearly with her jaw set and pissed/sad. Finally, D gets up and takes the bait.......mom and D end up sitting alone against the far wall, chatting it up while BF and I are looking around like WTF? That's what she does. If momma ain't happy, ain't no one happy. This is just ONE example of how she has manipulated the kids over the years.......it's a sick dynamic......but they defer to her and they love her. Even today, as a young 20-something, if mom's around and we're visiting family or something, D will stay by mom;s side the entire time and not speak unless spoken to by the relatives. And sometimes mom even answers for her. Now my daughter is a strong young gal, and lived on her own, worked full time and took a full load, far from home.....but when mom is around, she changes and sticks to mom like glue. It's VERY weird.......but I think mom loves it......it's how she set things up to be. She has also recently started to email both sides of the family with HER news, and signs off just as herself..........I find this VERY odd.........and so does my mom! Wow thebaffledking she sounds exactly like my ex husband who is a Narcissistic Sociopath - I really know how to pick 'em! He had my daughter wrapped around his finger exactly like this when she was little. This is one of the reasons we left him and moved 1500 miles away. I digress, your wife probably fits the narcissistic personality disorder to a T. My current H has issues (otherwise I wouldn't be here with my own tales to tell), however he's not abusive in any way OTHER THAN the physical & emotional abuse from rejecting and abandoning me inside our marriage, that's all😉 You seem to have the "jackpot" here with your W. You're still on the young side of life. You have time to forge ahead with a NEW life! You can even start now while your still in the ILIASM shithole, that's what I'm trying to do. As I'm sure you've noticed, the people here are so caring and kind. Find strength in the fact that you do have people in your corner, albeit your cyber corner. At the very least, you've learned all of the signs or red-flags for what you WON'T tolerate from a mate in the future. And the kid situation should work itself out. I think greatcoastal mentioned taking the high road - this is always a good idea, but, if organically you can share more with your kids later, I sure would (and will in my own situation). |
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Post by lyn on Dec 10, 2016 12:13:37 GMT -5
Children, whatever their age are perceptive. They are well aware of the dynamics of your marriage. If you take the high road and don't speak despairingly about your STBX (to them) they will come to you in time and ask you what took you so long. Yep, I agree nancyb The high road is always the road to be on, especially when one's kids are involved. |
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