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Post by Deleted on Dec 5, 2016 21:26:01 GMT -5
The financial question... What are we willing to sell our sex life for? I sold mine for financial security. Sold it so that I could have one person to be with-- emotional security? Sold it to avoid the unknown of being alone. Sold it so I would have a devil I knew. Sold it so I could prove that I could stay married for 25 years. Sold it to never have to feel the fear of finding another partner. I guess I'm a lost soul as well because I sold it all to buy the 28 year marriage. It is hell!! We make our choices in life. I chose, now I live with it. Save |
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Post by Isabellas39 on Dec 5, 2016 21:31:01 GMT -5
I have always tried to live without regrets, but I have a few if I'm truly honest with myself. I honestly believe that fear is a big reason so many of us stay...Fear of the unknown! There are things I worry about now that seemed effortless when I was single. I think the longer I remain in limbo the harder it is to get unstuck, and be the woman I want to be..
Like you, I know I couldn't live a life without intimacy...I admire your fighting spirit !
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Post by solodriver on Dec 5, 2016 22:45:30 GMT -5
I have these thoughts all the time. If my wife and I stay together we can retire in as early as 5 years. If we split I won't retire for probably 15 years and even then not retire as well had we stayed together. But if we stay together and I imagine myself 15 years from now when I've been retired for 10 years and still in a SM, what regrets will I have? Will the financial security and leisure be worth staying together in a sexless marriage? It's easy to say of course not!!! But in truth it's not an easy question. It requires a real leap of faith and a fair bit of courage to leave the stability and security of my marriage for the hope of happiness knowing I may end up alone. Maybe not sexless. I have no doubt that I could find sexual partners but sexual partners don't necessarily mean emotional contentment. In fact, emotional contentment is far more difficult to achieve than raw sexual satisfaction. What regrets would I have if I end up emotionally alone? That's exactly where I am right now in my situation. |
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Post by solodriver on Dec 5, 2016 22:49:12 GMT -5
When I'm 90 and look back on my life, I want to have no regrets. We don't know what is in our future. I want to look back and know that I danced with handsome men and learned to line dance. I hiked those mountains, I walked on that beach. I practiced yoga and kept up with the 30-something's in the step class. I'm afraid to stop. What if something happens and I am unable to do these things I enjoy ever again? I love the feel of achy muscles after a workout. I love pushing myself to keep going when I don't know how much strength I have left. What about other regrets? What about the regret of wasting my "prime" years in a sexless marriage. I feel as though I'm running out of time. I see the wrinkles on my face, the softening of my jaw, the creases in my neck. My hips ache, I have chronic sciatica, neck pain, well.... everything hurts. But I keep moving. I know I would regret leaving my marriage. I feel this in my soul. I know I would rather die than live sexless. I know outsourcing is morally wrong. I know I would regret getting caught. I know I would regret the repercussions. I know I WOULD NOT regret the sexual experience. Rhapsodee, I'm in exactly the same place as yourself and Iceman. I feel like I see what I so most desire, but I have to jump a huge gap in the road, and if I don't do it right, I will not make it to the other side and crash at the bottom of the gap. I feel like Wyle E Coyote chasing Road Runner. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Dec 6, 2016 1:04:30 GMT -5
I have lots of regrets. Really. I've never, apart from a couple of occasions where I've gone aah fuck it, had the balls to do half if the stuff I wanted to.
That changes when I leave.
I can't wait to leave.
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Post by Rhapsodee on Dec 6, 2016 1:19:35 GMT -5
For me I guess there is a difference between actions having consequences, both positive and negative, and then me actually regretting doing something (even if the consequences were more negative than I was hoping for). So I am curious, Rhapsodee - what is it about leaving your marriage that you feel you would regret? If I knew what it was, i would be able to pluck it out and throw it away. |
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Post by iceman on Dec 6, 2016 14:07:53 GMT -5
iceman those are the things that run through my head. There are days when I think 'screw it!! I'll just give her everything and start over completely fresh'. It doesn't make sense that I should lose everything I realize but I've always thought losing everything would be both terrifying and exhilarating. Something about starting completely over again has a certain appeal to me. |
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Post by iceman on Dec 6, 2016 14:21:48 GMT -5
I have these thoughts all the time. If my wife and I stay together we can retire in as early as 5 years. If we split I won't retire for probably 15 years and even then not retire as well had we stayed together. But if we stay together and I imagine myself 15 years from now when I've been retired for 10 years and still in a SM, what regrets will I have? Will the financial security and leisure be worth staying together in a sexless marriage? It's easy to say of course not!!! But in truth it's not an easy question. It requires a real leap of faith and a fair bit of courage to leave the stability and security of my marriage for the hope of happiness knowing I may end up alone. Maybe not sexless. I have no doubt that I could find sexual partners but sexual partners don't necessarily mean emotional contentment. In fact, emotional contentment is far more difficult to achieve than raw sexual satisfaction. What regrets would I have if I end up emotionally alone? Emotionally alone iceman? Isn't that were you, and most of us are right now. Physically we are married, connected. Remove the fake mask of marriage that the outside world see's and what lies beneath? A sexless, loveless, emotionless, sharing of assets. Assets that could end tomorrow. Jobs, careers, end, law suits,illness, accidents,fires, etc..... Back to, "I'd rather live in an empty house, than with an empty spouse." Why does being alone have to be so bad?" It has it's positives too! Think about your freedom when you were single. Remember all the exciting times of discovering new things, with new places, and meeting new people. Taking back what is rightfully yours. The freedom to be yourself. To leave your dishes out for days, or keep your place immaculately clean. To go out to eat where you choose,and sit alone at the bar, while flirting with the waitress, and being thankful that you are alone. As you remember the date you had two nights ago. A pantry full of your kind of food, and the shirt your wearing,.The one the lady you met at the grocery store bought for you. The shirt she said, "looks so sexy on you!". Yea....that kind of being alone. A time for healing. A healing that leads to confidence, truth, and understanding, for a brighter, more fulfilling future. A more pleasant life filled with an appreciation of taking risk and experiencing it. I realize that I am effectively emotionally alone now. That's what's frustrating. I know I'm living an emotionally desolate life and I'm reluctant to break away to try to find happiness because I feat I'll end up in basically the same place I am now without my wife being around. Her not being around doesn't really bother me. I enjoy it when she's away. So what's the problem? It makes no sense that I feel such reluctance. And I know nothing is certain. I could be canned tomorrow and all my financial plans are worth nothing. Or I could divorce my wife and end up a kept man by a wealthy sugar momma. Or I could drop dead tomorrow. Who Knows? Inertia. I think that's what keeps me here, maybe more than fear of the unknown. Need to figure out how to breakaway from inertia. |
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Post by iceman on Dec 6, 2016 14:23:31 GMT -5
Iceman, you say - "What regrets would I have if I end up emotionally alone?". - There is no "if" about it is there ? Are you not, as of this very moment " emotionally alone" ?? Indeed I am. I realize that. It makes no sense that I feel this way. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 6, 2016 14:36:54 GMT -5
Emotionally alone iceman? Isn't that were you, and most of us are right now. Physically we are married, connected. Remove the fake mask of marriage that the outside world see's and what lies beneath? A sexless, loveless, emotionless, sharing of assets. Assets that could end tomorrow. Jobs, careers, end, law suits,illness, accidents,fires, etc..... Back to, "I'd rather live in an empty house, than with an empty spouse." Why does being alone have to be so bad?" It has it's positives too! Think about your freedom when you were single. Remember all the exciting times of discovering new things, with new places, and meeting new people. Taking back what is rightfully yours. The freedom to be yourself. To leave your dishes out for days, or keep your place immaculately clean. To go out to eat where you choose,and sit alone at the bar, while flirting with the waitress, and being thankful that you are alone. As you remember the date you had two nights ago. A pantry full of your kind of food, and the shirt your wearing,.The one the lady you met at the grocery store bought for you. The shirt she said, "looks so sexy on you!". Yea....that kind of being alone. A time for healing. A healing that leads to confidence, truth, and understanding, for a brighter, more fulfilling future. A more pleasant life filled with an appreciation of taking risk and experiencing it. I realize that I am effectively emotionally alone now. That's what's frustrating. I know I'm living an emotionally desolate life and I'm reluctant to break away to try to find happiness because I'll end up in basically the same place I am now without my wife being around. Her not being around doesn't really bother me. I enjoy it when she's away. So what's the problem? It makes no sense that I feel such reluctance. And I know nothing is certain. I could be canned tomorrow and all my financial plans are worth nothing. Or I could divorce my wife and end up a kept man by a wealthy sugar momma. Or I could drop dead tomorrow. Who Knows? Inertia. I think that's what keeps me here, maybe more than fear of the unknown. Need to figure out how to breakaway from inertia. Surrounding yourself by the right people could help. Divorce recovery is good, even if you are just thinking about divorce. Meetup.com to get you out of the gloomy depressing house and around a new environment. Go out to eat alone once a week. Call an old friend, go see a movie. Go to a church. Church is meant for sinners you know? It takes finding the right one, but they are out there. Join a charity, Habitat for Humanity. Lastly some legal advise could clear the air about just how broke you would be. Courts are changing. 50/50 splits are more common. It won't hurt to be informed. One of my favorite books is Wild at Heart by John Elderedge. A good spring board to help you take risks and gain back your freedom. Something that rarely gets mentioned. How much you could be helping your spouse to do the very same thing. You will be giving, and receiving at the same time. Isn't that what's been missing for so long? |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 6, 2016 15:23:52 GMT -5
I don't like the word "regret", I would go with sad or disappointed. For example saying I regret I got married that negates the positive things that came along such as kids. There is nothing wrong with saying you choose a comfortable lifestyle. Or admitting to yourself that you have made bad or embarrassing choices in you life. I like the saying, we are the sum of our experiences, so instead of regret use the experiences of the past moving forward...... I hope I am not going to regret saying this  |
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Post by Rhapsodee on Dec 7, 2016 23:05:23 GMT -5
I don't like the word "regret", I would go with sad or disappointed. For example saying I regret I got married that negates the positive things that came along such as kids. There is nothing wrong with saying you choose a comfortable lifestyle. Or admitting to yourself that you have made bad or embarrassing choices in you life. I like the saying, we are the sum of our experiences, so instead of regret use the experiences of the past moving forward...... I hope I am not going to regret saying this I like that. Very positive. Very well said. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Dec 8, 2016 0:21:03 GMT -5
I don't believe in regrets. I had a regret earlier this year. I didn't do something I wish I had because I didn't have the confidence and the whole SM mindfuck that never totally goes away. So I missed an opportunity because I was scared and the next day it was revealed to me that he wished I would have had the confidence because he didn't. The emotions from regret that raced through me were unbearable, worse than rejection. So now I TRY to be fearless or at least more confident so that I never have to feel regret again. Damn - needed this message, BBG!! Thank you. I've gotta work up my nerve for young masseuse. I need a chance & opportunity to tell him how attracted to him I am. I'm trying to get my courage up for it. |
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Post by DryCreek on Dec 8, 2016 1:08:50 GMT -5
There are days when I think 'screw it!! I'll just give her everything and start over completely fresh'. It doesn't make sense that I should lose everything I realize but I've always thought losing everything would be both terrifying and exhilarating. Something about starting completely over again has a certain appeal to me. I've had an interesting idea along these lines... Imagine starting over with all that you know now. The risks you might be willing to take, having nothing to lose. And the chance those big bets might payoff because you're much more experienced. I certainly wouldn't wish for it, but sometimes life gives us a "tough love" push out of the nest that forces us to spread our wings. |
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 8, 2016 4:57:52 GMT -5
I don't believe in regrets. I had a regret earlier this year. I didn't do something I wish I had because I didn't have the confidence and the whole SM mindfuck that never totally goes away. So I missed an opportunity because I was scared and the next day it was revealed to me that he wished I would have had the confidence because he didn't. The emotions from regret that raced through me were unbearable, worse than rejection. So now I TRY to be fearless or at least more confident so that I never have to feel regret again. Damn - needed this message, BBG!! Thank you. I've gotta work up my nerve for young masseuse. I need a chance & opportunity to tell him how attracted to him I am. I'm trying to get my courage up for it. How about a playful - "Do you know I think you are so delicious/ handsome/ hot". Followed by a -"Have you ever been with an older woman before"? Followed by "The things I would love to do to you!" You can maybe say it in a playful non serious way so that you are letting him know you think he's hot and you are opening a door if he wants to walk through it. |
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