|
|
Post by baza on Dec 6, 2016 2:08:47 GMT -5
Like a lot of members, I can't actually recall the last time we had a decent root in our ILIASM deal.
I suspect it was back when Paul J Keating was Prime Minister.
I DO however remember the last root (or more accurately "attempt at a root") ever in my deal.
It was highly memorable for the sheer awfulness of it all.
That was in 2005, March, I think.
|
|
|
|
Post by solodriver on Dec 6, 2016 3:28:32 GMT -5
I know you want us to be positive and stick to things that can get us unstuck, but I have to explain my situation. Last time we were intimate was 3 years ago and she really did not want to participate, in other words, she was just going through the motions. I bloody hate that and it has been that way since we had children, about 13 years. Before that we were both really into each other, having lots of sex when we were trying to have kids, and also before that when we were just happy to be in each other's arms and 'make love', looking to please and satisfy each other and not look at it as just having sex. I don't know what changed (she says menopause has caused her to have zero sexual interest in me or any man). I have tried most everything(from expensive girts to Hawaiian vacations to thoughtful gestures) and I have given up thinking there is an answer for me, that she will change and somehow find any desire. I have the identical same issue with my wife's menopause. Sex has never happened or will ever happen again with her since she started menopause and she is well past it now. I now have no hope or interest in it with her. Past conversations have been ignored or ridiculed. I have now accepted that part of our marriage is well past over. Now I have to deal with myself in regards to it.
But still it makes me very, very sad.
|
|
|
|
Post by Chatter Fox on Dec 6, 2016 12:40:01 GMT -5
In this thread let's look back at the last time we had good sex and think about what helped us get there. I'm not talking about him/her laying there like a sex doll so you can get off. I'm talking about when you both were really into each other wanting to try new things and find new limits and pleasures. What made it work. Why do you think it worked? I'm hoping that we all can find a common solution to help. I also know it's going to be very hard for many of us to even remember a time. A lot of frustrating times that just continued to divide our relationships with the people we love and chose to spend our lives with. Please hold back the negative stories for this thread and give any positive ideas so we can move it the right direction. The last time it was good for me was about 3 months ago. What led up to it being good? The hell if I know. I've given up trying to figure that out. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. As long as it's reasonably good on average, then I will take it. So far, things are "good enough" in terms of frequency and quality. They are still way below average and I believe I deserve at LEAST average, but I'm not sure she's capable of average. So, I've been asking her to give me what I need to go the distance. Nothing more, nothing less. I drew my line in the sand, she knows what is required, and she knows the consequences if she doesn't meet my expectations within reason. I try to talk to her about it and she really can't seem to bring herself to even give me a shred of feedback as to what turns her on and what doesn't. So, I give up with that. I just try to be the best husband I can be and try to not expect anything in return. Ironically too, it seems the thing that gives me the best chance at good sex with her is to leave her in a state of fear about our relationship. Marriage therapists say that sex is the barometer of a marriage, but I think our barometer is broken. It seems to work backwards. It seems the better our relationship is and the more secure she feels, the less likely she is to want to have sex and the lower the quality of the sex when I can manage to coerce her into it. |
|
|
|
Post by lwoetin on Dec 6, 2016 13:26:13 GMT -5
In this thread let's look back at the last time we had good sex The last time it was good for me was about 3 months ago. What led up to it being good? The hell if I know. I've given up trying to figure that out. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. As long as it's reasonably good on average, then I will take it. So far, things are "good enough" in terms of frequency and quality. They are still way below average and I believe I deserve at LEAST average, but I'm not sure she's capable of average. So, I've been asking her to give me what I need to go the distance. Nothing more, nothing less. I drew my line in the sand, she knows what is required, and she knows the consequences if she doesn't meet my expectations within reason. I try to talk to her about it and she really can't seem to bring herself to even give me a shred of feedback as to what turns her on and what doesn't. So, I give up with that. I just try to be the best husband I can be and try to not expect anything in return. Ironically too, it seems the thing that gives me the best chance at good sex with her is to leave her in a state of fear about our relationship. Marriage therapists say that sex is the barometer of a marriage, but I think our barometer is broken. It seems to work backwards. It seems the better our relationship is and the more secure she feels, the less likely she is to want to have sex and the lower the quality of the sex when I can manage to coerce her into it. Good sex due to fear is not ideal. Hopefully she enjoyed it though? |
|
|
|
Post by beachguy on Dec 6, 2016 13:36:18 GMT -5
In this thread let's look back at the last time we had good sex and think about what helped us get there. I'm not talking about him/her laying there like a sex doll so you can get off. I'm talking about when you both were really into each other wanting to try new things and find new limits and pleasures. What made it work. Why do you think it worked? I'm hoping that we all can find a common solution to help. I also know it's going to be very hard for many of us to even remember a time. A lot of frustrating times that just continued to divide our relationships with the people we love and chose to spend our lives with. Please hold back the negative stories for this thread and give any positive ideas so we can move it the right direction. The last time it was good for me was about 3 months ago. What led up to it being good? The hell if I know. I've given up trying to figure that out. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. As long as it's reasonably good on average, then I will take it. So far, things are "good enough" in terms of frequency and quality. They are still way below average and I believe I deserve at LEAST average, but I'm not sure she's capable of average. So, I've been asking her to give me what I need to go the distance. Nothing more, nothing less. I drew my line in the sand, she knows what is required, and she knows the consequences if she doesn't meet my expectations within reason. I try to talk to her about it and she really can't seem to bring herself to even give me a shred of feedback as to what turns her on and what doesn't. So, I give up with that. I just try to be the best husband I can be and try to not expect anything in return. Ironically too, it seems the thing that gives me the best chance at good sex with her is to leave her in a state of fear about our relationship. Marriage therapists say that sex is the barometer of a marriage, but I think our barometer is broken. It seems to work backwards. It seems the better our relationship is and the more secure she feels, the less likely she is to want to have sex and the lower the quality of the sex when I can manage to coerce her into it. Reset sex. No more, no less. |
|
|
|
Post by darktippedrose on Dec 6, 2016 14:23:08 GMT -5
Its kind of difficult for me because in the beginning I did most of the initiating and I was more into it than he was.
The last time my husband at least pretended to be into it, I was 24.
The last time I had sex at all was when I was 29. 3.5 years ago. It was horrible. he was mad because I made him make me cum.
At 24, He started complaining about me wanting sex too much. 2-3x a weeks isn't too much for a married couple with kidz lol.
thats around the time I suspect he started cheating on me. he'd complain about me being too old to think about sex at 23 and at 21 he insulted my private parts.
One time we hadn't had sex in one year, and he said it takes me that long amoutn of time to tighten back up.
So yes, I don't trust him with my sexuality.
|
|
|
|
Post by beachguy on Dec 6, 2016 14:35:39 GMT -5
Its kind of difficult for me because in the beginning I did most of the initiating and I was more into it than he was. The last time my husband at least pretended to be into it, I was 24. The last time I had sex at all was when I was 29. 3.5 years ago. It was horrible. he was mad because I made him make me cum. At 24, He started complaining about me wanting sex too much. 2-3x a weeks isn't too much for a married couple with kidz lol. thats around the time I suspect he started cheating on me. he'd complain about me being too old to think about sex at 23 and at 21 he insulted my private parts. One time we hadn't had sex in one year, and he said it takes me that long amoutn of time to tighten back up. So yes, I don't trust him with my sexuality. I'm sorry darktippedrose, that is just inexplicable and inexcusable behavior on his part |
|
|
|
Post by unmatched on Dec 6, 2016 21:45:23 GMT -5
In this thread let's look back at the last time we had good sex and think about what helped us get there. I'm not talking about him/her laying there like a sex doll so you can get off. I'm talking about when you both were really into each other wanting to try new things and find new limits and pleasures. What made it work. Why do you think it worked? I'm hoping that we all can find a common solution to help. I also know it's going to be very hard for many of us to even remember a time. A lot of frustrating times that just continued to divide our relationships with the people we love and chose to spend our lives with. Please hold back the negative stories for this thread and give any positive ideas so we can move it the right direction. The last time it was good for me was about 3 months ago. What led up to it being good? The hell if I know. I've given up trying to figure that out. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. As long as it's reasonably good on average, then I will take it. So far, things are "good enough" in terms of frequency and quality. They are still way below average and I believe I deserve at LEAST average, but I'm not sure she's capable of average. So, I've been asking her to give me what I need to go the distance. Nothing more, nothing less. I drew my line in the sand, she knows what is required, and she knows the consequences if she doesn't meet my expectations within reason. I try to talk to her about it and she really can't seem to bring herself to even give me a shred of feedback as to what turns her on and what doesn't. So, I give up with that. I just try to be the best husband I can be and try to not expect anything in return. Ironically too, it seems the thing that gives me the best chance at good sex with her is to leave her in a state of fear about our relationship. Marriage therapists say that sex is the barometer of a marriage, but I think our barometer is broken. It seems to work backwards. It seems the better our relationship is and the more secure she feels, the less likely she is to want to have sex and the lower the quality of the sex when I can manage to coerce her into it. That seems to be quite common with refusers. I am sure there are the overtly manipulative ones who will do whatever they need to do to keep their lives together. But there also seems to be a biggish group who need some kind of fear or jealousy or adrenaline rush and then they are actually capable of feeling horny. When the relationship is about to break up, or when they feel you edging towards an affair, or when somebody else starts flirting with you. As soon as they feel comfortable again it disappears into thin air. It is fucked up. |
|
|
|
Post by Mr. Positive on Dec 9, 2016 15:16:11 GMT -5
In this thread let's look back at the last time we had good sex and think about what helped us get there. I'm not talking about him/her laying there like a sex doll so you can get off. I'm talking about when you both were really into each other wanting to try new things and find new limits and pleasures. What made it work. Why do you think it worked? I'm hoping that we all can find a common solution to help. I also know it's going to be very hard for many of us to even remember a time. A lot of frustrating times that just continued to divide our relationships with the people we love and chose to spend our lives with. Please hold back the negative stories for this thread and give any positive ideas so we can move it the right direction. The last time it was good for me was about 3 months ago. What led up to it being good? The hell if I know. I've given up trying to figure that out. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. As long as it's reasonably good on average, then I will take it. So far, things are "good enough" in terms of frequency and quality. They are still way below average and I believe I deserve at LEAST average, but I'm not sure she's capable of average. So, I've been asking her to give me what I need to go the distance. Nothing more, nothing less. I drew my line in the sand, she knows what is required, and she knows the consequences if she doesn't meet my expectations within reason. I try to talk to her about it and she really can't seem to bring herself to even give me a shred of feedback as to what turns her on and what doesn't. So, I give up with that. I just try to be the best husband I can be and try to not expect anything in return. Ironically too, it seems the thing that gives me the best chance at good sex with her is to leave her in a state of fear about our relationship. Marriage therapists say that sex is the barometer of a marriage, but I think our barometer is broken. It seems to work backwards. It seems the better our relationship is and the more secure she feels, the less likely she is to want to have sex and the lower the quality of the sex when I can manage to coerce her into it. That sounds all too familiar. It reminds me of my wife finally getting horny and initiating sex just before I left on a bachelor party. I took it at the time that with her talking about me having sex with other girls that it actually got her in the mood. I guess now that I look at it she was doing it out of fear. How pathetic to think about it. |
|
|
|
Post by Mr. Positive on Dec 9, 2016 15:21:23 GMT -5
Its kind of difficult for me because in the beginning I did most of the initiating and I was more into it than he was. The last time my husband at least pretended to be into it, I was 24. The last time I had sex at all was when I was 29. 3.5 years ago. It was horrible. he was mad because I made him make me cum. At 24, He started complaining about me wanting sex too much. 2-3x a weeks isn't too much for a married couple with kidz lol. thats around the time I suspect he started cheating on me. he'd complain about me being too old to think about sex at 23 and at 21 he insulted my private parts. One time we hadn't had sex in one year, and he said it takes me that long amoutn of time to tighten back up. So yes, I don't trust him with my sexuality. I feel like banging my head into my desk right now. Wanting sex too much at 24? When did he hit his peak? At 12? If I was his friend I would be making fun of him every time I was around and then I would be flirting with you every time I got a chance to. I'm so sorry your man isn't much of a man. I can't help but think he's lacking testosterone of maybe if he was cheating it was with another guy. |
|
|
|
Post by beachguy on Dec 9, 2016 15:36:02 GMT -5
The last time it was good for me was about 3 months ago. What led up to it being good? The hell if I know. I've given up trying to figure that out. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. As long as it's reasonably good on average, then I will take it. So far, things are "good enough" in terms of frequency and quality. They are still way below average and I believe I deserve at LEAST average, but I'm not sure she's capable of average. So, I've been asking her to give me what I need to go the distance. Nothing more, nothing less. I drew my line in the sand, she knows what is required, and she knows the consequences if she doesn't meet my expectations within reason. I try to talk to her about it and she really can't seem to bring herself to even give me a shred of feedback as to what turns her on and what doesn't. So, I give up with that. I just try to be the best husband I can be and try to not expect anything in return. Ironically too, it seems the thing that gives me the best chance at good sex with her is to leave her in a state of fear about our relationship. Marriage therapists say that sex is the barometer of a marriage, but I think our barometer is broken. It seems to work backwards. It seems the better our relationship is and the more secure she feels, the less likely she is to want to have sex and the lower the quality of the sex when I can manage to coerce her into it. That seems to be quite common with refusers. I am sure there are the overtly manipulative ones who will do whatever they need to do to keep their lives together. But there also seems to be a biggish group who need some kind of fear or jealousy or adrenaline rush and then they are actually capable of feeling horny. When the relationship is about to break up, or when they feel you edging towards an affair, or when somebody else starts flirting with you. As soon as they feel comfortable again it disappears into thin air. It is fucked up. They are not necessarily horny. They may be responding to a "spread em or else" threat, real or perceived. Also research the commonality of women faking orgasms. ETA: in thinking this over, I don't think it's possible for us to distinguish "overtly manipulative" from "getting horny for fucked up reasons". Me, being the always cynical me, believe it is all manipulation. Some are just better actors than others? |
|
|
|
Post by darktippedrose on Dec 11, 2016 2:45:28 GMT -5
Its kind of difficult for me because in the beginning I did most of the initiating and I was more into it than he was. The last time my husband at least pretended to be into it, I was 24. The last time I had sex at all was when I was 29. 3.5 years ago. It was horrible. he was mad because I made him make me cum. At 24, He started complaining about me wanting sex too much. 2-3x a weeks isn't too much for a married couple with kidz lol. thats around the time I suspect he started cheating on me. he'd complain about me being too old to think about sex at 23 and at 21 he insulted my private parts. One time we hadn't had sex in one year, and he said it takes me that long amoutn of time to tighten back up. So yes, I don't trust him with my sexuality. I feel like banging my head into my desk right now. Wanting sex too much at 24? When did he hit his peak? At 12? If I was his friend I would be making fun of him every time I was around and then I would be flirting with you every time I got a chance to. I'm so sorry your man isn't much of a man. I can't help but think he's lacking testosterone of maybe if he was cheating it was with another guy. at this point, I don't even focus on sex. Sometimes he's mean and mostly ignores me. But sometimes he's like the platonic guy that you have intellectual conversations with. Other times hes a parenting partner, even though I wish he'd do a bit more. so I just focus on that stuff for now. I don't trust my sexuality with him and I leave it at that. |
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Dec 12, 2016 18:13:54 GMT -5
That sounds all too familiar. It reminds me of my wife finally getting horny and initiating sex just before I left on a bachelor party. I took it at the time that with her talking about me having sex with other girls that it actually got her in the mood. I guess now that I look at it she was doing it out of fear. How pathetic to think about it. Yep. A few years back I recognized that she'd only initiate sex 1-2 days before I had a business trip. And that it wasn't about desiring me, it was just about keeping me on a leash and managing the risk of me straying while unsupervised. I'm not even sure that it was conscious on her part. But it's a fucked up motivation, regardless. |
|
|
|
Post by beachguy on Dec 12, 2016 18:37:30 GMT -5
DryCreek , you're too kind to her. The idea that if she doesn't take care of you someone else will isn't rocket science. And in her fucked up refuser mind she probably figures she is taking care of you.
|
|
