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Post by bballgirl on Dec 1, 2016 16:22:24 GMT -5
I realize that not everyone has a "issues" with their MIL but for some of us it's not the best relationship. (I'm using all of my self control to be diplomatic and try not to swear). Anyway I do think that the relationship between my ex and his mother while he was being raised influenced his lack of affection and his intimacy aversion issues. She's not a warm, loving woman. She's beautiful, looks great for her age, will brag that she looks like she can be his sister.
I thought we can share any funny stories, observations or gripes on this thread.
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Post by cagedtiger on Dec 1, 2016 16:43:07 GMT -5
My wife is either turning into my mother in law, or has been her for a while. Similar haircuts and outfits, not much in the way of expression affection except through gifts, and very, very low energy levels. As in, when we go visit her mom, we'll spend most of the time there (at the foothills of the mountains) in the living room watching TV while they snack on cookies and chocolate. When i realized that, it was sobering thinking that's what my future could look like, and really made me worried about what it would mean if we'd had kids. It was definitely another brick in the wall.
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Post by wewbwb on Dec 1, 2016 16:44:05 GMT -5
My MIL is dead.
This does not bother me.
At all.
The woman had actively contributed to the ruin of my marriage.
The damage and control she perpetrated and exerted upon the Frigidaire is staggering.
My MIL created and instigated at minimum 60% of the arguments and fights between the Frigidaire and I.
I am glad she is gone.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 1, 2016 17:18:11 GMT -5
When I first met my MIL I ran out of fingers,twice, at the number of times she used the word "I" in her conversations. When I shared my discovery with the other family members , they agreed whole -heartedly. My Father in law left his wife over 9 years ago, (and has lived with us since) He gave up on living with a controller, and being blamed for everything. My MIL is one of the biggest hypocrites on the planet, she sends birthday cards loaded with paragraphs bragging all about her self. Loaded with scripture, that her actions never follow. She used every ailment known to man as a crutch for sympathy. After her husband left she miraculously started feeling much better. Can you say, "manipulative controller?".
My STBX told me early into our relationship, " if I start acting anything like my mom I wan't you to call me out on it!" Sounds pretty good right? we have all heard success stories of great ,wealthy, giving people coming from a bad childhood?
Sadly it took 23 years to realize, " the apple doesn't fall far from the tree". My STBX is better at keeping her controlling ways more low key, hidden, manipulative. About A year ago I told her," your acting like a "S____"{her mothers name}. She quickly snapped, don't call me that anymore.
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Post by petrushka on Dec 1, 2016 17:22:52 GMT -5
#1 - she doesn't really count, she was the mother of my first serious girlfriend. A religious nut who used to threaten her kids with angels and demons, who
used to lock her children in to dark wardrobes for punishment ... 'nuff said. I did not like the woman. She would've done ok in the Spanish Inquisition.
#2 - my first wife's mother. Would've given the last shirt of her husband's back to perfect strangers collected from the side of the road. Well meaning, taking care of everybody ... bustling busybody. Volunteering out her husband to all and sundry for their 'little jobs'. And criticizing and cutting down her husband and daughter at every fucking corner. Extremely emotionally abusive to her nearest and dearest. No wonder my first wife had the self esteem and confidence of a tadpole. Less, possibly. Made her into a 'runner'.
The MiL was as nice as anything to me ... they supported me after the separation ... in fact the out-laws were the supportive interactive family I never had with my parents. But my SiL and I never understood why her husband didn't just walk out on her abuse. She died of advanced Parkinsons a while back: a filthy death. Her husband spent every day sitting by her bed in the care facility for 3 years, getting verbally abused ........ <shakes head>
#3 - doesn't say much. I think she's kind of submissive. She certainly was complicit with her emotionally and physically abusive husband and I am not happy about that. As it happens, she had replaced the prick within weeks of his demise. Doesn't seem to relate to me very much in any fashion. I .. just .. don't .. know. Heh.
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Post by DryCreek on Dec 1, 2016 18:56:10 GMT -5
There's a truism that one should look at her mother and his father to see the people they'll become. Physically, behaviors, etc.
I think it's more accurate than most would like to admit. I'm certainly struggling against it, and I see W blissfully heading in that direction.
This little tidbit of advice at a critical juncture would have given major pause.
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Post by obobfla on Dec 1, 2016 20:10:25 GMT -5
To be perfectly honest, I love my mother-in-law! She is an 89-year-old Irish lady full of life who often takes my side in arguments with my wife. She raised six kids in Pittsburgh and became a Steeler fan. People don't believe me when I tell them I love watching football with my mother-in-law. One item on my bucket list is to take her to a Steeler bar to watch a game. She doesn't watch quietly, and any place would get a kick out of her yelling on for the Steelers and waving a Terrible Towel.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 1, 2016 21:55:04 GMT -5
I have an great deal of respect for my mother-in-law. She started her family at age 20, and raised five kids to be (mostly) respectful.
But I noticed a few things over the years. She favors her firstborn overtly. And of her eight grandchildren, she favors her youngest's third daughter. She is also a huge procrastinator and often uses the phrase 'it is what it is,' which I find dismissive and defeatist.
My mother-in-law acts like a cold fish when it comes to affection. Unsure why. Maybe her upbringing. But it's definitely something my husband inherited. Knowing this, I'm baffled by how she spent a majority of the 1970s pregnant.
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Post by csl on Dec 2, 2016 0:03:00 GMT -5
When I first met my MIL I ran out of fingers,twice, at the number of times she used the word "I" in her conversations. When I shared my discovery with the other family members , they agreed whole -heartedly. My Father in law left his wife over 9 years ago, (and has lived with us since) He gave up on living with a controller, and being blamed for everything. My MIL is one of the biggest hypocrites on the planet, she sends birthday cards loaded with paragraphs bragging all about her self. Loaded with scripture, that her actions never follow. She used every ailment known to man as a crutch for sympathy. After her husband left she miraculously started feeling much better. Can you say, "manipulative controller?". My STBX told me early into our relationship, " if I start acting anything like my mom I wan't you to call me out on it!" Sounds pretty good right? we have all heard success stories of great ,wealthy, giving people coming from a bad childhood? Sadly it took 23 years to realize, " the apple doesn't fall far from the tree". My STBX is better at keeping her controlling ways more low key, hidden, manipulative. About A year ago I told her," your acting like a "S____"{her mothers name}. She quickly snapped, don't call me that anymore. 1 - your fil lives with you? Who's going to get custody of him in the divorce? 2 - "S____" would have quickly become her new name if I'm given a command. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Dec 2, 2016 2:11:13 GMT -5
Mine, thankfully, lives on the other side of the country.
She was married to an alcoholic violent abuser. And stayed.
My refusers first memory is of being shielded from his father in the under the stairs cupboard by his mother while the father lunged at them with a kitchen knife.
Nice.
She had a terrible time with him and it hugely affected the kids
But she wouldn't leave him and he wouldn't leave her.
She took a lover openly when the kids hit their teens and STILL they stayed together. He was in denial.
He used to beat her most nights.
My refuser finally stood up to him when he got big enough and beat the shit out of his own father.
That's when he left.
The MIL has always had very vague but life threatening illnesses. She has been "dying" since I met her 17 years ago. She uses this line when she wants to manipulate someone.
Still waiting.
He gets his hypochondriac tendencies from her for sure.
Lots and lots of issues I could go on for a good while!
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Post by tamara68 on Dec 2, 2016 4:35:00 GMT -5
My MIL and my FIL have contributed a great deal to how my stbx turned out to be. Neither of them have been very affectionate to stbx and his sister.
Stbx was very sensitive, smart and had a lot of fears. He was ridiculed for that and had learned to not turn to his parents for support.
MIL is controlling and manipulating and sticks her nose into other peoples business. But she can be caring too at times and she volunteers to help with things but it is always clear she expects something in return. FIL was an empty shell of a man in the house. just doing his routine but not showing a real human inside of that, very egocentric and cold. MIL has left her husband for a horrible man. And now she says she regrets that so, I shouldn't make the same mistake.
Stbx as well as his sister have both become unpleasant depressed people who both don't have a job and trouble making friends. And now both single too.
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Post by petrushka on Dec 2, 2016 7:21:01 GMT -5
It is heartbreaking, reading your accounts of how growing up in dismal families creates such dysfunctional people.
I am absolutely astonished how I ended up in long term committed with 3 of them. All totally different, coming from
different angles. (oh, I had others but they were not committed, long term -- don't get me started on the one with
bpd for instance - that didn't even last a week after she thought I had committed and turned into an instant harpy).
The first one thought she was crap at anything. She found a drug dealing boyfriend who told her she was crap at
everything and that she was privileged to have a boyfriend like him. It was only a question of time until he'd
pimped her out. I wooed her, won her, told her that she was wonderful, and slowly she started to believe me,
went first to polytech, then university, did really well ..... and dumped me. "Because we know each other so well,
we are like an old married couple and I want to see more, get more excitement before I settle down".
Relationship too good is a reason to detach .... yeah, right. And probably true, in her world.
The second one was a chameleon, had no idea who she was, turned like a weathervane (she of the hypercritical mother)
and was a different person to everybody, according to who she thought they'd want her to be. Being married to a
weathervane just kind of broke my heart. I didn't like lying to everybody according to her instructions, for starters.
(but she was quite keen on sex, that one)
The third one has created such defenses around herself, she can't really let her hair down, and she can't let anyone
in either. She's very sensitive and soft hearted and cannot allow herself to feel it, 99% of the time, because the blow
might come from any direction, any second.
How the hell did I end up in this place?
And, just to make it clear, I come from a dismal, dysfunctional family as well. I was really lucky that I fell in with
the right crowd in my mid teens. Otherwise I'd be something looking like Austin Powers, living in my parents' basement,
with no social life, no friends, no lovers (like they expected me to, that's what they wanted from me).
[shakes head] .... I damn well know that there are healthy families out there. Are they so scarce that I could not find
a sane, healthy partner?
On second thoughts, my SiL is from a healthy family. Her parents are/were great people. And I think my brother in law also
lives in a sexless marriage .....
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Post by JonDoe on Dec 2, 2016 7:48:05 GMT -5
I never met my MIL, but my FIL pulled me aside one day many years ago and told me that he knows what it's like to live with a difficult woman. He loved his daughter, but he would spend most of his time with me whenever we visited. When he grew tired of her or he sensed I was, he'd say "[Jon] let's go down to the boat I need your help" and tell the wives "We'll be back as soon as we finish" to signal that we were going without them. He did need my help occasionally, but most times we would just sit and have a few beers and talk without the STBX present. We both had a lot of respect for each other. It was a very sad time when he passed.
However, I won't shed a tear when my folks go. They both had very little interaction with their children after they divorced 30+ years ago and sadly have virtually no interaction with their grand children either. They send birthday cards to the grand children, but don't call to talk to them or visit. They don't even send a card or pick up the phone for my birthday or my wife's birthday, yet my wife still feels obligated to communicate with them and gets on my case for not doing the same. She is very slow to see their true colors.
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 2, 2016 8:23:57 GMT -5
I have an great deal of respect for my mother-in-law. She started her family at age 20, and raised five kids to be (mostly) respectful. But I noticed a few things over the years. She favors her firstborn overtly. And of her eight grandchildren, she favors her youngest's third daughter. She is also a huge procrastinator and often uses the phrase 'it is what it is,' which I find dismissive and defeatist. My mother-in-law acts like a cold fish when it comes to affection. Unsure why. Maybe her upbringing. But it's definitely something my husband inherited. Knowing this, I'm baffled by how she spent a majority of the 1970s pregnant. I would categorize my MIL as a cold fish too and she definitely shows favoritism for my son (the first grandchild) vs my daughter. One time we went to visit their house and they bought tickets for a live sporting event for my husband, son and them not my daughter and I. For me I didn't care but my daughter noticed the exclusion. My ex didn't have the balls to say anything. She had one child my ex. She had the nerve to tell me after my daughter was born that she was jealous that I had a daughter and during the entire pregnancy she would say it's probably a boy despite the sonogram I took that showed a girl 99%. That's just one of so many stories where we just clashed. |
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Post by beachguy on Dec 2, 2016 8:37:46 GMT -5
I met my MIL once, for 10 minutes, before our marriage. AFAIK my STBX has not seen or talked to her since. I am told, by my STBX, that she was a total psycho. My STBX wad raised by her grandmother. So I have nothing to say about my MIL.
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