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Post by Mr. Positive on Dec 2, 2016 12:12:07 GMT -5
I was thinking about my response to thecelt's original question. My previous answer was biased on humor. I was the class clown in high school and I always like to make people laugh or at least smile. I find it very fortunate that I found this place made up of people from all over and of all different types who all share in the same pain.
This morning I realized that thecelt asked a real question and probably wanted real answers to help find a solution to the problem that we all want fixed.
So to answer that question again,
Reason-The real cause or causes to the lack of sex drive, want, need, or sexual incompatibilities. These are the real problems that we must focus on solving because they just lead to excuses.
examples:
-psychological
-chemical imbalance
-hormone imbalance
-tragic events
-physical
Excuse-Mostly temporary issues that can usually be overcome with 3 or more alcoholic drinks. We should all be capable of dealing with these issues without it effecting our relationship.
examples:
-stress
-tired
-kids
-busy
-not in the mood
-too much on my mind
-need to think about planning
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Post by beachguy on Dec 2, 2016 12:40:51 GMT -5
I was thinking about my response to thecelt's original question. My previous answer was biased on humor. I was the class clown in high school and I always like to make people laugh or at least smile. I find it very fortunate that I found this place made up of people from all over and of all different types who all share in the same pain. This morning I realized that thecelt asked a real question and probably wanted real answers to help find a solution to the problem that we all want fixed. So to answer that question again, Reason-The real cause or causes to the lack of sex drive, want, need, or sexual incompatibilities. These are the real problems that we must focus on solving because they just lead to excuses. examples: -psychological -chemical imbalance -hormone imbalance -tragic events -physical Excuse-Mostly temporary issues that can usually be overcome with 3 or more alcoholic drinks. We should all be capable of dealing with these issues without it effecting our relationship. examples: -stress -tired -kids -busy -not in the mood -too much on my mind -need to think about planning After you've spent some time here you may come to understand and accept the ultimate truth... She does not want to fuck you. You will never know why. It doesn't matter. What does matter, after you accept that simple truth, is what you plan to do about it, if anything. |
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Post by Mr. Positive on Dec 2, 2016 13:11:28 GMT -5
Very true. Before I think about a drastic step that could negatively effect our marriage I want to prove to myself 100% that I did everything I possibly could. |
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 2, 2016 14:17:54 GMT -5
Very true. Before I think about a drastic step that could negatively effect our marriage I want to prove to myself 100% that I did everything I possibly could. That's an important step in the process. I used to send my ex suggestive texts on purpose for the sake of science because I knew it would go nowhere. |
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Post by JonDoe on Dec 2, 2016 22:50:17 GMT -5
That's an important step in the process. I used to send my ex suggestive texts on purpose for the sake of science because I knew it would go nowhere. Yup, been there, done that too. Not anymore though. The last vaguely sexual comment I made to my STBX was "How about we dust off the old vibrator and give it a good workout?" I was actually closing that door and chapter of my life, not trying to open it. |
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Post by obobfla on Dec 3, 2016 0:07:18 GMT -5
My wife had a legitimate reason - the medicine she was taking lowered her libido. However, she has never talked to her doctor to see if there is a way to overcome the side effects. That's the excuse.
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Post by wewbwb on Dec 3, 2016 2:59:46 GMT -5
Just so that I'm clearly explaining the excuse: She didn't state that SHE is too tired - she stated that I'M too tired! Hilarious. She now dictates how you feel? Yes. I couldn't take it. So I took a nap.  (Joking aside that was the reason she gave. I'd rather she just tell me she didn't want me anymore) |
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 3, 2016 8:25:37 GMT -5
That's an important step in the process. I used to send my ex suggestive texts on purpose for the sake of science because I knew it would go nowhere. Yup, been there, done that too. Not anymore though. The last vaguely sexual comment I made to my STBX was "How about we dust off the old vibrator and give it a good workout?" I was actually closing that door and chapter of my life, not trying to open it. I texted mine "Last night with no kids (they were at the in laws for a week) what do you want to do?" Granted at this point I was already a counter refuser so it was just for the sake of science to see his response. He said go to the baseball field. I told him to have fun. I guess we were both pushing each other's buttons. We went out to dinner and a movie I had a lovely time like I would if I went with one of my girlfriends and two months later I told him I want a divorce. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 4, 2016 17:01:23 GMT -5
Just so that I'm clearly explaining the excuse: She didn't state that SHE is too tired - she stated that I'M too tired! You're not the only one this has happened to! |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 4, 2016 17:06:47 GMT -5
I think that there are reasons behind the excuses. The refuser is not attracted to the refused anymore, is mad at him/her, doesn't have any libido or whatever. But in stead of saying that true reason the refuser doesn't acknowledge the real problem and avoids clearing the fog by 'simple' excuses that keep the situation as it is and pretend nothing is wrong. Good insight. My refuser swore up and down he still loved me, and that I was desirable. Granted, he *did* have health problems. But me - if I felt sick as often and as badly as he felt sick - I would be doing everything I could to find a solution to the sickness. Even if sex wasn't even a concern of mine. If my health was as bad as he claimed his health was, I would be doing anything and everything to make it better - for my OWN sake. I still can't believe he would have *wanted* to stay the way he was - if he really felt so awful. |
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Post by warmways on Dec 4, 2016 18:09:39 GMT -5
I'm guilty of excusing my refuser. It took such a long time to see but now that I do, everything has changed. I speak the truth, call him on BS, take chances (I don't walk in egg shells) act in any way I feel like -- and what do I have to lose? Nothing, because the self respect I have now means more than anything he could give me today.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 4, 2016 18:13:35 GMT -5
I think that there are reasons behind the excuses. The refuser is not attracted to the refused anymore, is mad at him/her, doesn't have any libido or whatever. But in stead of saying that true reason the refuser doesn't acknowledge the real problem and avoids clearing the fog by 'simple' excuses that keep the situation as it is and pretend nothing is wrong. Good insight. My refuser swore up and down he still loved me, and that I was desirable. Granted, he *did* have health problems. But me - if I felt sick as often and as badly as he felt sick - I would be doing everything I could to find a solution to the sickness. Even if sex wasn't even a concern of mine. If my health was as bad as he claimed his health was, I would be doing anything and everything to make it better - for my OWN sake. I still can't believe he would have *wanted* to stay the way he was - if he really felt so awful. I'm going to bet that most of us would be very aware of how the behavior,and attitude towards our health issues pulls down every one else around us. A controller takes a different logic. Don't ask me to explain it. Most of us would, hide it, endure it silently as possible, or like you say, do what ever possible to improve it. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 4, 2016 18:14:44 GMT -5
I'm guilty of excusing my refuser. It took such a long time to see but now that I do, everything has changed. I speak the truth, call him on BS, take chances (I don't walk in egg shells) act in any way I feel like -- and what do I have to lose? Nothing, because the self respect I have now means more than anything he could give me today. Where's the thousand like key? |
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Post by beachguy on Dec 4, 2016 19:31:12 GMT -5
I think that there are reasons behind the excuses. The refuser is not attracted to the refused anymore, is mad at him/her, doesn't have any libido or whatever. But in stead of saying that true reason the refuser doesn't acknowledge the real problem and avoids clearing the fog by 'simple' excuses that keep the situation as it is and pretend nothing is wrong. Very succinct explanation, tamara68. I'd add that in many cases, perhaps most, the reason would be a certain deal breaker for the refused. Better to keep them in the fog |
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Post by hopingforachange on Dec 5, 2016 20:18:09 GMT -5
I was passive aggressive towards my wife's excuses. If she had a headache, I would get a cup of water and ibuprofen. To tired, bring her benadryl so she could go straight to sleep and then set my alarm for 30 min earlier the next day. Eventually she stopped the excuses and would say she didn't feel like it.
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