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Post by Lithium92 on Nov 28, 2016 12:38:21 GMT -5
Relationship problems of 50-something women on BBC Radio Four's Woman's Hour, about four minutes in. You may have problems playing it, in some territories. www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b083l8qbIt's okay, but it doesn't really focus on the biggest problem, which is that often the refuser is fine thankyou and doesn't want to do anything about the situation. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Nov 28, 2016 13:24:11 GMT -5
Relationship problems of 50-something women on BBC Radio Four's Woman's Hour, about four minutes in. You may have problems playing it, in some territories. www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b083l8qbIt's okay, but it doesn't really focus on the biggest problem, which is that often the refuser is fine thankyou and doesn't want to do anything about the situation. As a woman, in the uk, theses chickas sometimes get up my snout! It's the "poor me" syndrome they sometimes exude. They do raise some valid points. But they have no clue about our very own specialist subject do they haha. Maybe I'm a little bitter at all these ladies crying that they have to stand on their own 2 feet when their bank accounts, sorry, husbands, get rid of them. Can't imagine that! |
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Post by Lithium92 on Nov 28, 2016 14:09:43 GMT -5
A big part of my wife's lack of libido is menopausal, HRT makes bugger all difference in her case and there isn't much room for manoeuvre because it plays badly with lupus. I've spent too much time looking at the research and fora...
Basically about a third of women take a massive hit to their libido, a third don't change and a third have increased libido. The best predictor is libido pre-menopause. But the cheerleading blogs and forums brush over the 'no libido' contingent with a glib 'this can cause problems because your partner may feel rejected, but good communication is key'.
Well (a) there's no 'may' about it, and (b) good communication won't solve it.
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Post by beachguy on Nov 28, 2016 14:19:17 GMT -5
A big part of my wife's lack of libido is menopausal, HRT makes bugger all difference in her case and there isn't much room for manoeuvre because it plays badly with lupus. I've spent too much time looking at the research and fora... Basically about a third of women take a massive hit to their libido, a third don't change and a third have increased libido. The best predictor is libido pre-menopause. But the cheerleading blogs and forums brush over the 'no libido' contingent with a glib 'this can cause problems because your partner may feel rejected, but good communication is key'. Well (a) there's no 'may' about it, and (b) good communication won't solve it. Yea, I've never heard a clear explanation how good communication solves enforced celibacy... |
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Post by Lithium92 on Nov 28, 2016 14:21:44 GMT -5
To be fair, it can work if the refuser gives a fuck, and just didn't know how awful it was for their partner.
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Post by nancyb on Nov 28, 2016 16:10:26 GMT -5
I must be in the 1/3 of women who have been fortunate to have made it through menopause with my libido intact. Sure things aren't what they were at 25 but I still think about sex multiple times a day. My STBX refuser shamed me and called me a sex maniac...he can fuck off now.  I no longer think I am the abnormal one. |
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Post by Lithium92 on Nov 28, 2016 16:18:42 GMT -5
The radio piece refers to how touch and sex are a normal part of sustaining intimacy in a relationship, and I found myself loudly agreeing. I mean I *know* this, but living with someone who feels no need of it skews your idea is normality.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2016 21:52:26 GMT -5
I cant listen to the videos here because wife is always about.
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Post by Rhapsodee on Nov 28, 2016 22:22:54 GMT -5
My hub says I'm like a seventeen year old boy ever since I went into menopause. He avoids me because he doesn't want to "get me going."
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Post by baza on Nov 28, 2016 22:49:47 GMT -5
I think that scientific "why chasing", conducted by scientists, has a lot going for it when scientific minds are applied to a particular subject such as this.
Possibly, a "sufferer" from this "why" might, in the future, be able to avail themselves of a remedy, if they were so inclined - at some indeterminate time in the future, when the "why" is proven and a remedy developed.
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Meantime in between time, in the here and now, and amongst our non-scientific selves, chasing this (and other) spousal "whys" is a road to nowhere.
It doesn't alter the facts on the ground at all.
Stay, cheat, leave.
That's it for our options, and it makes no difference whether the "why" is known or unknown.
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Post by solodriver on Nov 29, 2016 0:09:00 GMT -5
My wife lost her drive completely at menopause. She won't even talk about it with me because she says it isn't going to happen so why discuss it. It makes me very angry because I'm as horny now as I was during me teen years.
I'm just so happy to hear of woman who still have a strong sex drive in their 50s and 60s.
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Post by solodriver on Nov 29, 2016 0:20:27 GMT -5
I must be in the 1/3 of women who have been fortunate to have made it through menopause with my libido intact. Sure things aren't what they were at 25 but I still think about sex multiple times a day. My STBX refuser shamed me and called me a sex maniac...he can fuck off now. I no longer think I am the abnormal one. YEAHHHHH 1/3
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Post by Lithium92 on Nov 29, 2016 2:55:16 GMT -5
The why makes a difference about which you choose, and what happens if you choose to stay. If the why is about falling out of love, or being control, that's very different to it being about illness, for instance.
Same with mine. She will talk a bit, occasionally, if I really push, but she doesn't see that talking about it in itself helps break down the emotional walls that I've built up over the years.
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Post by baza on Nov 29, 2016 3:36:51 GMT -5
That's the essential point Brother telecaster.
Your avoidant spouse may well be avoidant because of menopause.
Your options = stay, cheat, leave.
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Your spouse might have fallen out of love with you and thus become avoidant.
Your options = stay, cheat, leave.
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Your spouse may be banging someone else and is thus avoidant toward you.
Your options = stay, cheat, leave.
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Your spouse may have a medical issue leading to avoidant behaviour.
Or your spouse is avoidant toward you for no known reason.
Again, your options are stay, cheat, leave.
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The spousal avoidant "why" may be different in different cases, but your options don't alter.
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Post by Lithium92 on Nov 29, 2016 3:54:29 GMT -5
The options are the same, but your choice could vary - most obviously, a medical issue could be relatively easy to solve (and the refuser less reluctant to do anything about it), but falling out of love is far less likely to be solved, and you may not want to solve the banging someone else issue.
Why does matter.
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I no longer think I am the abnormal one. 
