|
|
Post by baza on Nov 29, 2016 0:27:46 GMT -5
This is a trap a huge number of us fall in to Sister lyn.
We are complicit in the dysfunctional environment simply by being there, but when we join in to the "happy act" we are completely complicit in the situation, putting on a facade for the outside world. Indeed, often putting on an act for the avoidant spouse - by pulling a curtain across our feelings and hiding them from the avoidant spouse.
We are, in fact, playing a major role in isolating ourselves from the normal / real world.
And, it is a bloody hard habit to break.
-
It is imperative that we stop being a participant in this bullshit facade.
-
Of course, it is counter productive to pick up the avoidant spouse every time they start their act (unless you like constant bickering and conflict) but the beginnings of reclaiming yourself might be gotten underway by saying nothing when the avoidant spouse starts their act with friends / family.
And, to abandon shielding your feelings from the avoidant spouse.
Don't give the act any oxygen.
And a support network is critical. Somewhere / someone where you can be straight up and honest about your situation.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 29, 2016 0:56:44 GMT -5
Here we hide in our corner of the web. So the question is, do you have "in real life" friends whom you talk to or confide in about this. Or have they told you their issues. As it seems a lot of us have a public face we perpetuate that we have good marriages. As for the ones who have left their marriage, where some people surprised about the break up because you always showed that public happy face, did you share the reasons with friends etc. I have told this story on here before. I have only told one person (other than Therapists) about my 28 year sexless marriage. A old girlfriend who found me on Facebook. She wanted to meet for drinks and we seemed to connect again after 30 years. We had a fair amount to drink so when she asked about my marriage instead of shrugging and saying its ok I told her the story. After listening to the long complicated explanation she actually started laughing. She said " I've heard a lot of stories men tell to get me into bed but yours takes the cake. Then again you always were a good storyteller " In other words she didn't believe a word I'd said and accused me of making it all up in order to get some "mercy sex" She told me she didn't think there was any such thing as a sexless marriage saying even people who fight and argue all the time still have sex. All I could say was Google it. |
|
|
|
Post by thebaffledking on Nov 29, 2016 1:07:54 GMT -5
Here we hide in our corner of the web. So the question is, do you have "in real life" friends whom you talk to or confide in about this. Or have they told you their issues. As it seems a lot of us have a public face we perpetuate that we have good marriages. As for the ones who have left their marriage, where some people surprised about the break up because you always showed that public happy face, did you share the reasons with friends etc. I have told this story on here before. I have only told one person (other than Therapists) about my 28 year sexless marriage. A old girlfriend who found me on Facebook. She wanted to meet for drinks and we seemed to connect again after 30 years. We had a fair amount to drink so when she asked about my marriage instead of shrugging and saying its ok I told her the story. After listening to the long complicated explanation she actually started laughing. She said " I've heard a lot of stories men tell to get me into bed but yours takes the cake. Then again you always were a good storyteller " In other words she didn't believe a word I'd said and accused me of making it all up in order to get some "mercy sex" She told me she didn't think there was any such thing as a sexless marriage saying even people who fight and argue all the time still have sex. All I could say was Google it. Too bad you couldn't have told her to google it in the midst of banging her. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 29, 2016 15:45:26 GMT -5
Not sure if I remember how to actually do that. It's been awhile.
|
|
|
|
Friends
Nov 29, 2016 19:40:17 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by thefullmoon on Nov 29, 2016 19:40:17 GMT -5
Here we hide in our corner of the web. So the question is, do you have "in real life" friends whom you talk to or confide in about this. Or have they told you their issues. As it seems a lot of us have a public face we perpetuate that we have good marriages. As for the ones who have left their marriage, where some people surprised about the break up because you always showed that public happy face, did you share the reasons with friends etc. I have told this story on here before. I have only told one person (other than Therapists) about my 28 year sexless marriage. A old girlfriend who found me on Facebook. She wanted to meet for drinks and we seemed to connect again after 30 years. We had a fair amount to drink so when she asked about my marriage instead of shrugging and saying its ok I told her the story. After listening to the long complicated explanation she actually started laughing. She said " I've heard a lot of stories men tell to get me into bed but yours takes the cake. Then again you always were a good storyteller " In other words she didn't believe a word I'd said and accused me of making it all up in order to get some "mercy sex" She told me she didn't think there was any such thing as a sexless marriage saying even people who fight and argue all the time still have sex. All I could say was Google it. So really sad...she was your girlfriend..she met you after so long time...what for? For not trust your words?... |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Friends
Nov 30, 2016 17:53:21 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Nov 30, 2016 17:53:21 GMT -5
I have told this story on here before. I have only told one person (other than Therapists) about my 28 year sexless marriage. A old girlfriend who found me on Facebook. She wanted to meet for drinks and we seemed to connect again after 30 years. We had a fair amount to drink so when she asked about my marriage instead of shrugging and saying its ok I told her the story. After listening to the long complicated explanation she actually started laughing. She said " I've heard a lot of stories men tell to get me into bed but yours takes the cake. Then again you always were a good storyteller " In other words she didn't believe a word I'd said and accused me of making it all up in order to get some "mercy sex" She told me she didn't think there was any such thing as a sexless marriage saying even people who fight and argue all the time still have sex. All I could say was Google it. So really sad...she was your girlfriend..she met you after so long time...what for? For not trust your words?... Not sure. I am in the entertainment business and my Facebook page is full of pictures of what looks like a pretty glam life. It isn't really but I think that tends to draw in old acquaintances from high school days and single days from time to time especially since I grew up on the west cost and moved east 30 years ago so rarely see anyone from those days. Plus I was totally different back then. People who know me from those days and who meet me now can't believe how much I have changed. But I guess many of us were pretty wild back in the day. I was having a lot of sex with a lot of women back then so when I tell somebody from the old days that I have spent the 2nd half of my life sexless of course they find it difficult to believe. |
|
|
|
Friends
Nov 30, 2016 20:41:56 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by thefullmoon on Nov 30, 2016 20:41:56 GMT -5
So really sad...she was your girlfriend..she met you after so long time...what for? For not trust your words?... Not sure. I am in the entertainment business and my Facebook page is full of pictures of what looks like a pretty glam life. It isn't really but I think that tends to draw in old acquaintances from high school days and single days from time to time especially since I grew up on the west cost and moved east 30 years ago so rarely see anyone from those days. Plus I was totally different back then. People who know me from those days and who meet me now can't believe how much I have changed. But I guess many of us were pretty wild back in the day. I was having a lot of sex with a lot of women back then so when I tell somebody from the old days that I have spent the 2nd half of my life sexless of course they find it difficult to believe. It is difficult indeed...but life is tricky...anything possible...anyway you expect some deeper understanding from old friends...what is the point to pretend? Sorry...I still find the situation very sad... |
|
