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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2016 0:39:22 GMT -5
I tried to tell my best female friend IRL, but she didn't get it at all. She wasn't being willfully ignorant, either - she has always been a good friend and been on my side about things. But I think this is one of those things that other people will not understand unless it has happened to them.
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 28, 2016 1:04:23 GMT -5
I told a friend here and asked him not to tell ANYONE, including his wife who knows mine. Of course he told his wife. There's a Seinfeld joke in there, I know. I told two other male friends. I've talked to my mom many times, same with my brother........it helped........but now all of these people have distanced themselves (yep, even mom), because, really, no one knows what to say or how to help. They are all supportive of my need to seek life elsewhere, and that's nice, but..........I don't know. I don't know what I expect from anyone......I'm just so desperate to end this, yet I'm struggling worse than anyone I've ever known with speaking up. I guess I hoped someone I talked to would just wave a magic wand or something and it would all be over. I'm way too soft......weightlifting, athletic, well-educated, 6' 225 pound cowardly lion...........what a waste
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Post by beachguy on Nov 28, 2016 8:31:51 GMT -5
I finally told people but it took a while. For the first 2-3 years, I was complicit & agreeable to trying life w/o sex. But that approach eroded all other forms of manners & politeness & I finally found EP. After that, I started telling people (my oldest stepdaughter, my sisters some, a friend or two like neighbor & coworker). Eventually though - it was better to keep my complaint quiet while I worked out the details to leave. Just like a refuser who SAYS one thing but does another - I decided to let my actions speak for themselves & that point, talk was no longer needed. An SM is s problem only you can fix. And you know what to do. No one else can fix it or give you the resolve and courage to do what obviously needs to be done. To fix it. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Nov 28, 2016 11:29:18 GMT -5
I told a friend here and asked him not to tell ANYONE, including his wife who knows mine. Of course he told his wife. There's a Seinfeld joke in there, I know. I told two other male friends. I've talked to my mom many times, same with my brother........it helped........but now all of these people have distanced themselves (yep, even mom), because, really, no one knows what to say or how to help. They are all supportive of my need to seek life elsewhere, and that's nice, but..........I don't know. I don't know what I expect from anyone......I'm just so desperate to end this, yet I'm struggling worse than anyone I've ever known with speaking up. I guess I hoped someone I talked to would just wave a magic wand or something and it would all be over. I'm way too soft......weightlifting, athletic, well-educated, 6' 225 pound cowardly lion...........what a waste Shut up what a waste! You are a catch my friend. You just chose poorly with your wife. We live, we learn x |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Nov 28, 2016 11:30:35 GMT -5
I let certain bits out to certain people. Not everyone can handle our truths!
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Post by cagedtiger on Nov 28, 2016 11:37:09 GMT -5
I let certain bits out to certain people. Not everyone can handle our truths! This is precisely why I haven't gotten even slightly buzzed or more around even my closest friends for a good long while- I had to guard what I said. That was how they knew something was amiss initially. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Nov 28, 2016 11:40:50 GMT -5
I let certain bits out to certain people. Not everyone can handle our truths! This is precisely why I haven't gotten even slightly buzzed or more around even my closest friends for a good long while- I had to guard what I said. That was how they knew something was amiss initially. Yeah. It's tricky isn't it. I finally let loose all my shit on one of my sisters this weekend. To help her spit hers out actually. She just moved in with her bloke after divorcing just over a year ago..... she has changed her mind! She hasn't told another soul. She's older than me but I can read her like a book. She wonders where my wisdom comes from....years of self deprecation, neglect and abuse. And lots of support from here. It's a shame real life friends can't be this honest. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 28, 2016 12:23:48 GMT -5
I let certain bits out to certain people. Not everyone can handle our truths! This is precisely why I haven't gotten even slightly buzzed or more around even my closest friends for a good long while- I had to guard what I said. That was how they knew something was amiss initially. The aproach I have taken has worked, for now. Don't know if its good or bad. I go to groups that are supposed to offer support. ILIASM, Divorce Recovery, Co- depency group, Mens bible study, and church in general. When the opportunity is there I open up, I practically have my story memorized. That weeds through the people who can't relate, or don't want to relate. Out comes the few who can offer me guidance, wisdom, and understanding, some direct me, or introduce me to others. How long I stay in these groups all depends on what my needs are, and if they are being met. That includes the need to serve others, not just take. Taking is something I am learning to do more of for myself. My old crowd seemed to have very little to offer me. Perhaps a big part of the problem? |
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Post by Rhapsodee on Nov 28, 2016 22:37:54 GMT -5
I have friends in sexless marriages. When I showed bitterness about mine, they told me I needed to find a passion and focus my energies on it. They advised me to let it go. Look at the good life he has given me. But talk to them about how it effects me and my mental health, no. They are working on finding outlets for their own emptiness.
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Post by obobfla on Nov 28, 2016 22:44:37 GMT -5
Fortunately, I have female friends with who I can share everything. One was in one herself and understands very well. If she were not in a new relationship, she would help me out. The other understands but is torn. She is friends with my wife and is very familiar with my wife's illness. She feels for me, but she also feels for my wife. I don't talk to her about my affairs.
But mostly, I talk to you guys about it all. I get the most sympathy here.
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 28, 2016 23:11:48 GMT -5
I have friends in sexless marriages. When I showed bitterness about mine, they told me I needed to find a passion and focus my energies on it. They advised me to let it go. Look at the good life he has given me. But talk to them about how it effects me and my mental health, no. They are working on finding outlets for their own emptiness. All my 'passions' fell by the wayside as the years of sexlessness and emotional abuse piled up....... Love is vital to me. I don't care about much if I'm not able to give and receive love in ALL of its many aspects. |
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Post by Rhapsodee on Nov 28, 2016 23:15:02 GMT -5
I have friends in sexless marriages. When I showed bitterness about mine, they told me I needed to find a passion and focus my energies on it. They advised me to let it go. Look at the good life he has given me. But talk to them about how it effects me and my mental health, no. They are working on finding outlets for their own emptiness. All my 'passions' fell by the wayside as the years of sexlessness and emotional abuse piled up....... Love is vital to me. I don't care about much if I'm not able to give and receive love in ALL of its many aspects. I know. I find it hard to care about much. I did find that throwing myself into physical activity or physically demanding projects distracted me. But a passion? I wish I could |
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Post by cagedtiger on Nov 28, 2016 23:45:08 GMT -5
All my 'passions' fell by the wayside as the years of sexlessness and emotional abuse piled up....... Love is vital to me. I don't care about much if I'm not able to give and receive love in ALL of its many aspects. I know. I find it hard to care about much. I did find that throwing myself into physical activity or physically demanding projects distracted me. But a passion? I wish I could I've always felt like a passion is something that's best shared with somebody else. Which gets back to the original problem... |
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Post by lyn on Nov 28, 2016 23:49:31 GMT -5
I've been thinking about this a lot lately. No, I haven't spoken to anyone about this IRL. In fact, I rarely speak to any of my friends anymore because the ruse is too exhausting to keep up. I do know this is extremely unhealthy for me. I'm going to open up to a therapist about this in the next few weeks then go from there.
It's amazing how time flies when you're living in your own little dysfunctional world.
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Post by Rhapsodee on Nov 29, 2016 0:10:54 GMT -5
I know. I find it hard to care about much. I did find that throwing myself into physical activity or physically demanding projects distracted me. But a passion? I wish I could I've always felt like a passion is something that's best shared with somebody else. Which gets back to the original problem... I don't think they would ever consider outsourcing. They don't have male friends either. They surround themselves with women. They go out and get drunk and complain. I don't need to get drunk. I'd love to have more female friends, but I really enjoy the friendship and company of men. |
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