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Post by callisto on Nov 26, 2016 5:00:01 GMT -5
I spoke to my husband on Tuesday. I told him the truth- that I respected him and loved him more than anyone and that I would always be loyal to him. I wanted to care and have fun with him. That I didn't want to live with anyone else and he was my favourite person on Earth but that I couldn't stand being celibate forever- for my last few vaguely attractive years I would like the chance to explore an intimate and sexual relationship with someone else. He took this on board and was more pragmatic than I can be.
He does not believe it would work - us living together but allowing me to have my lover. Said he had feelings too and would not risk his sanity. That he would and must protect himself..He said he has steadily ruled out all the threats to his mental condition in his life, he is managing his existence by careful curtailment of his lifestyle and that the only threat to this is me.
He said, we have wonderful house and he loves me and has done everything he can for me and that I have freedom to do anything (except that). I understand now that he just isn't sexual and he really has created a lovely life (as much is in his power to do) for us both.
I tried to make him choose rather than me having to choose, it didn't work. All I have done is remain but am now even more-unhinged- I am existing on a very thin thread, I have barely noticed the change from summer to winter. It was August and now it is nearly December. I shake with nerves,am dizzy, can't sleep, can't concentrate, this inbetween and indecisive stage is affecting me mentally but I just can't seem to resolve myself into leaving the man and home that I love but if I don't go now I will have lost the one opportunity to have an intimate relationship with another man.
I don't seem to have the resolve to make the decision, or be able to face taking the consequences of either paths or the third unbidden path of indecision. I am doing exactly all the worst things and I can't see a way through.
I am trying to look coldly into future of owning/ accepting my celibate status or a life without my husband. Both look terrifying and neither is what I want. So I remain twitching and turning uselessly..
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Post by eternaloptimism on Nov 26, 2016 5:16:41 GMT -5
Oh callisto. I can feel how much this is hurting you. For your own sanity you will have to make one choice or the other. You can't stay like this. Have you seen a counsellor at all? They can help you deal with the continuous onslaught of confusing and conflicting thoughts and feelings. Help you to see straight. I have been twisting and confusing myself for bloody years. You can do this. You will be OK. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with but I'm getting there slowly. It took years to get where you are now. And turning that around is going to take time too. Whether that's acceptance of the situation or moving on. Neither are easy but you have to do one or the other. Lots of love xxx |
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Post by tamara68 on Nov 26, 2016 6:00:17 GMT -5
To me this sounds like he has controlled the things in his life to suit him best. He fitted you in his life to suit him best. He can have a lot of lovable qualities, but he is very egocentric. It is all about him. You either take the things his way or you don't. He likes his life the way it is. He is not the one who is missing out on things. You are. For him this can be a full life, for you this is only half a life.
Even when you are prepared to give up that half part of life you are missing, you will feel the missing void. I think it is a matter of time until you will blame him for your hurt and that blame can become resentment.
He will not change. It is probably also something that is impossible to ask from him because he is what he is.
It is also impossible to ask from you to be not who you are. You are who you are too and you have every right to be who you are.
You are compatible as friends, but not as couple.
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Post by nancyb on Nov 26, 2016 7:18:51 GMT -5
As my divorce unfolds I am feeling an incredible burden lifting from my shoulders. I am scared about my future but I know with certitude I will never have something like this happen again. (SM)
I have WASTED 14 years of my life hoping and praying that things would change. I even convinced myself that it was 'normal' to lose interest in sex after 40. What a crock of shit.
Now I am changing my focus of attention towards myself and trying to determine my own part in this. I chose to stay all that time and honestly if my STBX hadn't asked for divorce first I think I would still be
stuck in the ILIASM shithole. It is my opinion that nothing will ever change in a marriage once this dynamic comes into play.
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Post by nancyb on Nov 26, 2016 7:20:57 GMT -5
Callisto: I feel your pain and anguish. So sorry you are having such a difficult time.
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 26, 2016 8:15:56 GMT -5
calisto, I think the depth of pain you are feeling is from the stagnancy of straddling the fence. You have given away all of your power, and your spirit is reeling. You may very well know what you have to do to save yourself...... keep posting so we can keep supporting!
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Post by bballgirl on Nov 26, 2016 8:25:20 GMT -5
I'm sorry you are hurting.
I think that the way you phrased the choices allowed him to keep you stuck in the same situation.
Maybe bring it up again, start with:
Celibacy is not an option for me anymore.
Either we start having sex or just I will be having sex.
Which one do you prefer. Lack of an answer will result in the one I prefer.
I outsourced, he never knew. I didn't ask for permission.
I felt like he didn't want to be involved with my sexuality for so many years that he had no say in the matter.
Find your happiness!
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Post by JonDoe on Nov 26, 2016 10:28:50 GMT -5
How NOT to have a nervous breakdown 1. Exercise and eat healthy. It does the mind and body good. 2. Only focus on the positive. The negative will drain all your energy. 3. Realize that you are not in control, ever, and be at ease with it. 4. Surround yourself with people that support and uplift you. 5. Understand that he has made a choice to remain celibate, which is hurting you and the relationship. 6. Know that you cannot change anyone other than yourself. 7. Don't doubt yourself even when you think others may doubt you. 8. Stop reliving the past. You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one. Tell him that YOU won't accept things remaining as is because it is hurting you. Tell him that YOU are moving forward with or without him, and mean it. Tell him that YOU hope he chooses to move forward with you, but you will respect his decision either way. |
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Post by callisto on Nov 26, 2016 12:15:19 GMT -5
Oh callisto. I can feel how much this is hurting you. For your own sanity you will have to make one choice or the other. You can't stay like this. Have you seen a counsellor at all? They can help you deal with the continuous onslaught of confusing and conflicting thoughts and feelings. Help you to see straight. I have been twisting and confusing myself for bloody years. You can do this. You will be OK. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with but I'm getting there slowly. It took years to get where you are now. And turning that around is going to take time too. Whether that's acceptance of the situation or moving on. Neither are easy but you have to do one or the other. Lots of love xxx thank you EO, I seem to be the opposite of you/ eternal pessimism- I used to be a fun upbeat person but now am just, so not! I have been seeing a councellor and she has remarked that , 'You're situation is like a classic epic tale and you are faced with a painful difficult choice both which result in great personal loss and sacrifice and that you don't seem to be good at protecting your self- making my own 'armour.' ' it is true and I never expected life to face my with such hellish choice. Goodluck to you too in your choice. X |
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Post by callisto on Nov 26, 2016 12:23:32 GMT -5
To me this sounds like he has controlled the things in his life to suit him best. He fitted you in his life to suit him best. He can have a lot of lovable qualities, but he is very egocentric. It is all about him. You either take the things his way or you don't. He likes his life the way it is. He is not the one who is missing out on things. You are. For him this can be a full life, for you this is only half a life. Even when you are prepared to give up that half part of life you are missing, you will feel the missing void. I think it is a matter of time until you will blame him for your hurt and that blame can become resentment. He will not change. It is probably also something that is impossible to ask from him because he is what he is. It is also impossible to ask from you to be not who you are. You are who you are too and you have every right to be who you are. You are compatible as friends, but not as couple. Tamara, you hit it bang on the nail. Absolutely right. Thank you. I just wish therefore we could live as friends and me persue my own path.. |
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Post by callisto on Nov 26, 2016 12:28:50 GMT -5
As my divorce unfolds I am feeling an incredible burden lifting from my shoulders. I am scared about my future but I know with certitude I will never have something like this happen again. (SM) I have WASTED 14 years of my life hoping and praying that things would change. I even convinced myself that it was 'normal' to lose interest in sex after 40. What a crock of shit. Now I am changing my focus of attention towards myself and trying to determine my own part in this. I chose to stay all that time and honestly if my STBX hadn't asked for divorce first I think I would still be stuck in the ILIASM shithole. It is my opinion that nothing will ever change in a marriage once this dynamic comes into play. I know nothing will change in my marriage- I WILL have to be celibate. Can't believe my life has come to a choice of this magnitude. |
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Post by becca on Nov 26, 2016 13:02:32 GMT -5
Oh callisto, I hurt for you. How can he not see this pain he is causing? It bothers me greatly that he seems to have all the power and you just have to follow his plan. How on earth do so many people think sex and intimacy are negotiable in a marriage. It is as vital as food, water and oxygen. Honey, I know you feel frustrated and alone but you know you have a community here that will support you in any decision you make but for your own sanity, it sounds like straddling the fence is no longer an option. Maybe some distance will help? Do you have a place you can go for a week or two? It helped me tremendously. My H had an answer for everything and it left me little room to disagree or present my own side. Distance allowed me to see things more clearly. Sending you hugs. |
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Post by callisto on Nov 26, 2016 13:45:40 GMT -5
How NOT to have a nervous breakdown 1. Exercise and eat healthy. It does the mind and body good. 2. Only focus on the positive. The negative will drain all your energy. 3. Realize that you are not in control, ever, and be at ease with it. 4. Surround yourself with people that support and uplift you. 5. Understand that he has made a choice to remain celibate, which is hurting you and the relationship. 6. Know that you cannot change anyone other than yourself. 7. Don't doubt yourself even when you think others may doubt you. 8. Stop reliving the past. You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one. Tell him that YOU won't accept things remaining as is because it is hurting you. Tell him that YOU are moving forward with or without him, and mean it. Tell him that YOU hope he chooses to move forward with you, but you will respect his decision either way. Thank you JD, Unfortunately I do doubt myself and I am only thinking negatively with is draining away everything hopeful in my future. Normally I am healthy and do lots of exercise but feel like I'm sick and don't have will or energy for much at all. I think I have no backbone or gumption. Maybe I will write husband a letter and use your last few sentences as they are very good.. Time is running away. |
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Post by JonDoe on Nov 26, 2016 13:48:41 GMT -5
callisto Whatever you do, don't be the victim, be the victor. A victim mentality ensures you are always the victim. A victor mentality gives you a fighting chance at survival.
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Post by callisto on Nov 26, 2016 14:01:26 GMT -5
JD
Yes, I am a victim at the moment- my lack of resolve makes me an enemy to, victim of myself.
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