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Post by callisto on Nov 26, 2016 14:04:35 GMT -5
Oh callisto, I hurt for you. How can he not see this pain he is causing? It bothers me greatly that he seems to have all the power and you just have to follow his plan. How on earth do so many people think sex and intimacy are negotiable in a marriage. It is as vital as food, water and oxygen. Honey, I know you feel frustrated and alone but you know you have a community here that will support you in any decision you make but for your own sanity, it sounds like straddling the fence is no longer an option. Maybe some distance will help? Do you have a place you can go for a week or two? It helped me tremendously. My H had an answer for everything and it left me little room to disagree or present my own side. Distance allowed me to see things more clearly. Sending you hugs. Becca, thank you. I have a week off work after tomorrow so I thought if I can summon the energy I will go away. It is a very good idea to gain some distance. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Nov 26, 2016 14:33:23 GMT -5
Oh callisto. I can feel how much this is hurting you. For your own sanity you will have to make one choice or the other. You can't stay like this. Have you seen a counsellor at all? They can help you deal with the continuous onslaught of confusing and conflicting thoughts and feelings. Help you to see straight. I have been twisting and confusing myself for bloody years. You can do this. You will be OK. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with but I'm getting there slowly. It took years to get where you are now. And turning that around is going to take time too. Whether that's acceptance of the situation or moving on. Neither are easy but you have to do one or the other. Lots of love xxx thank you EO, I seem to be the opposite of you/ eternal pessimism- I used to be a fun upbeat person but now am just, so not! I have been seeing a councellor and she has remarked that , 'You're situation is like a classic epic tale and you are faced with a painful difficult choice both which result in great personal loss and sacrifice and that you don't seem to be good at protecting your self- making my own 'armour.' ' it is true and I never expected life to face my with such hellish choice. Goodluck to you too in your choice. X So, we both need to become eternal realists and go on a metalwork course to get our armour. Easy ....lol! Xxxx |
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Post by solodriver on Nov 26, 2016 15:04:25 GMT -5
As my divorce unfolds I am feeling an incredible burden lifting from my shoulders. I am scared about my future but I know with certitude I will never have something like this happen again. (SM) I have WASTED 14 years of my life hoping and praying that things would change. I even convinced myself that it was 'normal' to lose interest in sex after 40. What a crock of shit. Now I am changing my focus of attention towards myself and trying to determine my own part in this. I chose to stay all that time and honestly if my STBX hadn't asked for divorce first I think I would still be stuck in the ILIASM shithole. It is my opinion that nothing will ever change in a marriage once this dynamic comes into play. Nancyb I was told the same thing by my wife, that losing interest in sex is a part of marriage. When she hit menopause, that was that for her, no more because she had lost her interest and her drive and it would cause her physical pain. But in that, she gave no thought, care or even love enough to realize that it wasn't over for me by a long shot. I've had to suppress my thoughts and drive for the past 16 years. But for me it has just made me depressed, unloved and unwanted. This year, after lurking on the former EP and finally getting the strength to join here, I decided NO MORE! I am not going to be depressed about my sexuality and if something were to happen that allowed me to enjoy it with someone, I will. I'm 57 and I'm not going to feel bad about it anymore. I enjoy feeling this way. It's my wife's loss. I don't even allow her to get me depressed about it anymore. She doesn't want to discuss it and that's now fine with me. Again her problem not mine. I feel like I tried and she doesn't care or love or respect me enough to understand and try to help us.
Like everyone on here has said in one way or another; nothing is going to happen if we allow ourselves to stay where we are and take no action, even if, as in my case for now, it's mental, to move from where we are to where we hope to be.
I know you're a new member and I've been reading your story. I hope you know that we here understand what it's like, whether male or female, to be disrespected by our roommate spouses. We're here for you and we truly care about you.
Also here is a thought. For every person on here who is going through this, there are probably 10 more who are in the ILIASM shithole. Can you imagine what it would be like if we were all in a room or place (like Wingman's Commune) together. I don't think there is a drug on this earth that could make us feel as wonderful as that would be. We would be free to share, cry, hug and whatever else would happen. Remember something....we are and deserve love, attention and affection because we already feel it in our hearts, we just need to find that someone who wants to share that passion with us. I think we are probably the most sexually passionate persons on the planet. And that is truly a loss to our uncaring, unkind, unloving spouse roommates who made a promise to us that they felt the same way, but couldn't stay on the road with us after the many miles we shared. It's like they would look for excuses to try and get out of the car after awhile. And now we have to decide where we're going to dump them off at.
I'm sorry for my rant. It's probably been a long time coming, but I've had some folks on here who have awakened me to what I really want and desire and I want you to know it's nothing to be ashamed of or something to regret. As is also said on here many times, we only have this ONE life and how bad it will be if we don't get to have and do what we so desperately want and desire to do with it. Why should we let someone who basically broke a very solemn promise be allowed to ruin the rest of our life? As I said I'm 57 and I'm not ready, by a long shot, to sit and feel unloved and unwanted the rest of my life. I'm ready for a change, whatever form that may come in.
Hugs and Support! SD 
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 26, 2016 15:09:25 GMT -5
"For every person on here who is going through this, there are probably 10 more who are in the ILIASM shithole." THOUSANDS UPON THOUSANDS for each member here, guaranteed.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 26, 2016 16:12:02 GMT -5
callisto: Others have said everything that needed to be said, so I won't repeat. But - I know you must be feeling terrible. I do know how it feels - it happened to me.
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Post by baza on Nov 27, 2016 1:21:59 GMT -5
It reads like your spouse has a plan concerning his future.
An entirely selfish plan, to be sure, but a plan none the less.
Your role in it being to be the subservient party who fits in with what he wants. A bit player.
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The only thing that will stand in the way of his plan of inertia prevailing, will be if you have a better plan.
One that he's not part of.
One that puts your longer term best interests at the top of the priorities. (in any plan he has, your priorities don't rate)
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Post by warmways on Nov 28, 2016 9:53:03 GMT -5
I'm glad you're going to have a week off to get some distance. Being in a SM shithole can really make anybody feel confused. We all have to put ourselves first for once and try to do what makes us happier and out of victim mode to victor mode as JD was saying.
I know how bad it can be. I go in and out of good, okay, and really f-ed up states while I try to sort this out. Hang in. You're the most important person to take care of and protect. Fight for yourself and keep coming on here!!
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