The Great Pretender?

In any ILIASM shithole, the refused spouse is complicit in the dynamic. Their continued presence in the situation is the proof of that complicity.
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Sometimes, the complicity goes further. The refused spouse may join in the bullshit, and go along with the refusers act toward other people that everything is great in the deal. Or pull the curtain across their real feelings, hiding their discontent from the spouse.
Or both.
And the noose tightens. And the refused spouse helps it tighten.
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It is a huge retrograde step to be part of a bullshit facade. And it ain't even smart. Because among those people you are bullshitting could be persons of potential support to you, IF they knew what was going on.
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It is to be avoided.
Whereas it is usually a good policy to tell the truth, that might be a bridge too far for most refused spouses.
Another option is to stay silent, neither confirming or denying the refusers bullshit stories.
But "joining in" This option has nothing going for it.
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Then of course, is when you acknowledge that your deal is a fuck up, there is the necessity of confronting your spouse. And that process is going to reveal that you have been living a lie with her for XX years, as well as now being about to dump her.
It is highly likely to result in a rather lively discussion I'd imagine.
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"Today" is as good a day as any to quit being part of the act.

I don't know why that is what's bothering you either TBK, but as Baz suggests - you can give up that part of the pretense (& probably should). There where will multiple layers of crap to get through if you're going to get out - so don't bother icing it like a cake.
True compassion through this will hurt. Don't make it harder by lying to yourself & others (her).
Start now. Discontent may show. That's fine. You're allowed to feel anything you feel. Your emotions are not wrong. My Ex telling me that my opinions were wrong used to piss me off so badly. It's disrespectful in the most intimate way to believe that I don't know how to live my emotional life.

My therapist assures me there is no such thing as "too sensitive" - if I am sensitive about something I may need time to process it, feel it. I may need some respect or comforting or alone time. Or I may need a heartless asshole to back off and stop insulting me - insinuating that having feelings is "too" sensitive.
But there's really just people who understand me. Or find me worth putting up with when they don't understand me. And then there are people who berate me when they don't understand me. And I'm trying NOT to hang out with those people anymore.
Jon - your feelings are not wrong. Being disregarded as a presence (by being talked over) - THAT is wrong.
I'm sorry you have to put up with that. I dealt with it for years until recently. Good luck with it.

Question: when you say 'opinions' here, I assume you mean 'stated feelings' or 'emotional experiences'?

I mean, I find my opinions are often wrong .. and it never seems to bother me if someone tells me why there is a better way. Currently going through this every few days while we are developing building plans ... GiGo applies to my opinions. And sometimes I (we) just come to false conclusions even with the right facts. That does not faze me. So long as you have the better facts, the better argument, the better model I will readily concede, and feel free to call what I said erroneously 'bullshit'. I don't experience that as disrespecting me, but as dissing an idea.

 ... but if someone says my feelings are wrong, my emotions are different from what I state (! w.t.f. !) or that I'm lying about it, then the excrement hits the air reticulation device.
As you said 'it's disrespectful in the most intimate way'. Genuine feelings are genuine feelings. Yes, yes. Accuse me of lying when I let you see my innermost self, and you'd better put on your asbestos underpants .... (or be prepared for me to walk out of the room).

;-)

I can relate to being part of the show. It took decades to realize part of it goes back to growing up with a mother who was bi-polar. You learned the more you said the worse it gets, so you stare at the wall, wait till they are done and avoid.

I discovered later in life that I rarely got a word in when having conversations. Mid way in my marriage I tried to change that, my skills at interrupting when someone takes a breath or ends a sentence, are horrible!!

Here's an example. This morning after our men's bible study I am standing out in the parking lot talking with Chuck, one of the men I met last week. We are discussing a distant friend that we both know. I am in the middle of a sentences about how I reach out to this person to help him, when Ed walks by. Chuck who I am speaking to turns his head and says" hey ED, what year is that Corvette?". After there conversation I said, "back to what I was saying," and briefly ended my conversation. 

Was he not interested in what I was saying? Did he even realize that he interrupted me? Does he have a clue that he was rude, arrogant, selfish, and disrespectful?

Now the question is, what am I going to do about it?

Well when I see him next week I am going to pull him aside and one on one, remind him of what he did, tell him of his rude behavior, and that I will not tolerate being disrespected that way. And if I never speak to him anymore, now he knows why, and that he needs to work on that. And if he keeps it up during our group meeting I will interrupt him in the middle of his sentence and ask someone what year their truck is, and see how he appreciates being interrupted .

I just met the guy, so there's very little to loose, and he has much to gain if he wants too. Or would others say, "it happens all the time, no big deal, let it go, your too sensitive!"

Baffled King (a reference to Leonard Cohen, rest his soul?):

Everybody lies -- to themselves and to others -- like answering "Good!" when someone asks you "How are you doing?"  You know that they don't really want a report on your physical and psychological state.  They are just playing their part in a social convention, pretending to be interested in your well being, and you are expected to play your part.  But most of the time, most of us think of ourselves as good, honest people.  This can cause some problems...

Let me suggest 3 concepts that might help you think about this: cognitive dissonance, counter factual, and commitment. 

One of the things that we humans do is explain our behavior.  The explanation that is the easiest is usually "because I wanted to."  But you are a good strong honest person.  So now you have a problem -- there is dissonance (like a bad chord) between two ideas in your head: 1) I just acted as if everything is OK and it sure as hell isn't and 2) I'm a good strong honest person.  So at a non-conscious level you try to resolve the dissonance.  You can't deny what you just did and you don't want to believe that you are basically a dishonest person.  So, the easiest way out is to just think, maybe everything really isn't as bad as I thought it was.  If that were true, then everything would make sense and I would basically be a good strong person acting as I believe that I should.  All of those nasty subtle manipulations that really caused you to act as if everything were OK are just to subtle to feel like good explanations.

Now looking back we think "if I had only spoken up earlier and more forcefully, we wouldn't be in this SM crap now."  That may be true or it may not be true.  But whatever we didn't do, we didn't do.  There is no way to know what would have happened had we acted differently -- counter to the facts.  What happened has happened.  But if you go down the counter-factual road you can get caught in endless "could have, should have, would have" cycles none of which by definition are reality.

So now we're stuck.  Blaming ourselves for not having spoken up sooner or more forcefully, thinking that maybe it really wasn't that bad, and having put years of our lives and tons of effort into a failing marriage.  We can't just let that all be for naught.  But maybe, just maybe it wasn't.  So, we try harder, put up with more crap sinking more physical and psychological energy into a losing battle because we can't bear the thought that all the pain, all the struggle was for nothing.  This is a commitment effect -- doing something not because it makes sense now but because we put so much into it before (like Vietnam).

These are powerful psychological forces and they are not easily overcome.  People die because of them.  There is only one way out.  We need to admit to ourselves that sometimes we lie and aren't as honest and strong as we like to think.  We need to live in the real world and refuse to live in a counter factual world, no matter how attractive it is.  And we need to give up counting past efforts as costs and decide based on where we are today.  And still it is a struggle.