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Post by bballgirl on Nov 23, 2016 16:22:40 GMT -5
Two years ago I stopped, I was so fed up! We were at Thanksgiving with his family and he was showing his male cousins a picture of him with 15 medals around his neck from baseball tournaments. They asked what he got all the medals for and he said, "Being so good in bed". I couldn't believe my ears and couldn't hold my tongue so with a tone of disgust in my voice I answered back and very sarcastically said, "I don't think so, maybe for snoring in bed". Ooohhh! So close, yet so far. "From who? You certainly didn't get them from me! You been sleeping around on me?"  Yeah the looks on everyone's face would have been priceless if I thought of that! Good one! |
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Post by nancyb on Nov 23, 2016 16:22:50 GMT -5
My STBX would flirt outrageously with every woman we met. Acting like a real Don Juan...made me want to barf.
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Post by wewbwb on Nov 23, 2016 16:39:01 GMT -5
My STBX would flirt outrageously with every woman we met. Acting like a real Don Juan...made me want to barf. Hi. How you doing?  |
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Post by petrushka on Nov 23, 2016 21:25:34 GMT -5
[snip] Everybody lies -- to themselves and to others -- like answering "Good!" when someone asks you "How are you doing?" You know that they don't really want a report on your physical and psychological state. They are just playing their part in a social convention, pretending to be interested in your well being, and you are expected to play your part. But most of the time, most of us think of ourselves as good, honest people. This can cause some problems... Let me suggest 3 concepts that might help you think about this: cognitive dissonance, counter factual, and commitment. One of the things that we humans do is explain our behavior. The explanation that is the easiest is usually "because I wanted to." But you are a good strong honest person. So now you have a problem -- there is dissonance (like a bad chord) between two ideas in your head: 1) I just acted as if everything is OK and it sure as hell isn't and 2) I'm a good strong honest person. So at a non-conscious level you try to resolve the dissonance. You can't deny what you just did and you don't want to believe that you are basically a dishonest person. So, the easiest way out is to just think, maybe everything really isn't as bad as I thought it was. If that were true, then everything would make sense and I would basically be a good strong person acting as I believe that I should. All of those nasty subtle manipulations that really caused you to act as if everything were OK are just to subtle to feel like good explanations. Now looking back we think "if I had only spoken up earlier and more forcefully, we wouldn't be in this SM crap now." That may be true or it may not be true. But whatever we didn't do, we didn't do. There is no way to know what would have happened had we acted differently -- counter to the facts. What happened has happened. But if you go down the counter-factual road you can get caught in endless "could have, should have, would have" cycles none of which by definition are reality. So now we're stuck. Blaming ourselves for not having spoken up sooner or more forcefully, thinking that maybe it really wasn't that bad, and having put years of our lives and tons of effort into a failing marriage. We can't just let that all be for naught. But maybe, just maybe it wasn't. So, we try harder, put up with more crap sinking more physical and psychological energy into a losing battle because we can't bear the thought that all the pain, all the struggle was for nothing. This is a commitment effect -- doing something not because it makes sense now but because we put so much into it before (like Vietnam). These are powerful psychological forces and they are not easily overcome. People die because of them. There is only one way out. We need to admit to ourselves that sometimes we lie and aren't as honest and strong as we like to think. We need to live in the real world and refuse to live in a counter factual world, no matter how attractive it is. And we need to give up counting past efforts as costs and decide based on where we are today. And still it is a struggle. Well, maybe YOU lie when someone asks you how you are - if someone bothers to ask me they get a proper answer, be it a huge smile and "most excellent today, thanks" or "surviving" or "bit of a drag, today". If they don't want to know, they should not ask. Anybody who thinks "because I wanted to" or "because I said so" is an explanation gets tagged as 'idiot' in my world. I do agree that getting lost in "what if" - be it future or past "what if" can be a great way of snookering yourself, it's also a waste of time and calories, poarticularly when dealing with the past. Planning the future can be very fruitful. .... oh, and I think you've read way too much Wittgenstein (the man who makes sure meaning gets lost in verbiage). Your model and my model of 'dealing with stuff, and with other people' seem worlds apart, from this vantage. |
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Post by solodriver on Nov 24, 2016 1:51:28 GMT -5
My ex used to do the opposite. He used to brag to other people sometimes in front of me what a great sex life we have and for years I would just laugh or giggle to not embarrass him. Two years ago I stopped, I was so fed up! We were at Thanksgiving with his family and he was showing his male cousins a picture of him with 15 medals around his neck from baseball tournaments. They asked what he got all the medals for and he said, "Being so good in bed". I couldn't believe my ears and couldn't hold my tongue so with a tone of disgust in my voice I answered back and very sarcastically said, "I don't think so, maybe for snoring in bed". Everyone laughed and that was the last time he pulled that shit. I even talked to him about it on the way home and told him why would he say that if its not true and he knows the no sex bothers me? He said - it was just a joke. It goes to show how ignorant our refusers are about how deep in pain we are. Good for you for calling him on it!
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Post by nancyb on Nov 24, 2016 6:09:15 GMT -5
My STBX would flirt outrageously with every woman we met. Acting like a real Don Juan...made me want to barf. Hi. How you doing? Getting stronger everyday. Things continue to progress with the divorce and it appears that my STBX and I might be able to do this amicably. I am still filled with sadness over the loss of a dream. The marriage, the lack real intimacy and sharing, it's been a facade for many years but its what I know.The new me is still in a chrysalis waiting to emerge. Thank you for asking. |
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Post by wewbwb on Nov 24, 2016 6:44:08 GMT -5
My pleasure.
Strange thing about strength is sometimes, no matter what you have gone through in the past, some days you just don't have it.
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