|
|
Post by GeekGoddess on Nov 24, 2016 16:50:28 GMT -5
I disagree with informing in public but that's because I did mine at home & it couldn't have gone any better than it did. My Ex is very concerned over saving face & in public, we wouldn't have gotten out the raw emotion- it was real & it was needed. For me- him & me in the house alone was the right venue.
It varies by the people involved.
|
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Nov 24, 2016 17:06:24 GMT -5
I sat with him in a restaurant.
I started the conversation, the monologue, the announcement.
I was very resolute, as a matter of fact and like a lawyer giving my closing arguments.
It went like this:
"A year ago we said we were going to work on our marriage, a year has gone by and neither one of us has worked on it. I don't want to be married anymore, I don't want to be a wife. I can be your friend, your co parent but I can not be your wife anymore. I will be moving out. I spoke to an attorney and I'm going to get a divorce".
In case you are wondering, his response was - "Are you kidding me?"
We continued with a 15 minute conversation and he left angry and sad. It was a long night back at the house but I'm glad I'm on my own now.
|
|
|
|
Post by misssunnybunny on Nov 24, 2016 17:45:30 GMT -5
The first time I said I wanted a divorce, he basically didn't believe that I was serious. We had gone through round one of counseling, and he asked that we try someone else. I caved, and a few months later, we had the divorce conversation again in the counselor's office. I hadn't rehearsed anything, but I knew that I had to say I wanted a divorce and I was done, and let him know I had seen a lawyer and wanted to get the process started. I was so nervous, I can't even remember exactly what I said or how I said it. I know it was not comfortable at home that night, and for pretty much the rest of the time before I moved to my own place. The fear of saying something and what would happen was definitely worse than the actual saying something and the effects....I am so glad I did say something and, like bballgirl, I am glad I am on my own
|
|
|
|
Post by thebaffledking on Nov 25, 2016 8:26:54 GMT -5
Great feedback and advice on this thread. Thanks to all for sharing. Just the concept of 'this is not a discussion, this is me telling you what's happening' is something I'd not really thought through. I was preparing for an epic and ugly conversation (which will happen in bits and pieces afterwards).....but knowing I have a firm boundary of what I will say, and then say no more at that time, is key. It's much more manageable to frame it like this.
|
|
|
|
Post by becca on Nov 25, 2016 9:21:45 GMT -5
I wrote a long 4 or 5 page letter that was emotionally charged that I never read to him but it did help me collect my own thoughts so it was still helpful. It was also enlightening to read a week or so later and revealed my own state of mind and just how much control I was giving to him. I think I mentioned "Please just let me go" 5 or more times. So thankful I did NOT give him that letter.
I mentioned twice before that something had to change or I would leave. Nothing changed. He didn't even acknowledge my discontent. The next time I just packed my bags and made arrangements to stay with a friend. I told him we needed to talk. I told him I couldn't take it any more and I just needed to get off the rollercoaster. He stared at me. I said, I wasn't trying to hurt him but I knew in my heart I would die if I stayed in that house. He stared at me. I asked if he had anything to say and he said "just run away then" I explained I wasn't running away. I had been trying to address this for years and he always shut down. When I started to go into it further, he said (like he always did before), "We are done here". I agreed and I left. That was a little over 3 weeks ago.
There is still a lot to do and nothing formal has been drawn up but for me, I had to get out to give myself space and time for real clarity. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. I still can't believe I actually managed to leave. And it took a village of people for me to have the strength including all of you on here, my sisters and my own children.
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Nov 25, 2016 9:49:34 GMT -5
I wrote a long 4 or 5 page letter that was emotionally charged that I never read to him but it did help me collect my own thoughts so it was still helpful. It was also enlightening to read a week or so later and revealed my own state of mind and just how much control I was giving to him. I think I mentioned "Please just let me go" 5 or more times. So thankful I did NOT give him that letter. I mentioned twice before that something had to change or I would leave. Nothing changed. He didn't even acknowledge my discontent. The next time I just packed my bags and made arrangements to stay with a friend. I told him we needed to talk. I told him I couldn't take it any more and I just needed to get off the rollercoaster. He stared at me. I said, I wasn't trying to hurt him but I knew in my heart I would die if I stayed in that house. He stared at me. I asked if he had anything to say and he said "just run away then" I explained I wasn't running away. I had been trying to address this for years and he always shut down. When I started to go into it further, he said (like he always did before), "We are done here". I agreed and I left. That was a little over 3 weeks ago. There is still a lot to do and nothing formal has been drawn up but for me, I had to get out to give myself space and time for real clarity. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. I still can't believe I actually managed to leave. And it took a village of people for me to have the strength including all of you on here, my sisters and my own children. Very, very, proud and pleased for you! It is the hardest thing you have ever done. You are beginning a hard process. Like many goals in life they happen little bits at a time. Continue to take the lead by moving forward. There will be time to step back, retreat, regroup, lean on your troops for guidance and support. Your spouse continues to live a life of denial. He broke his marital vows and commitment a long time ago by denying you the trust, intimacy, and respect that comes with a marriage. Find out your legal rights in your state. In some states being gone from the house for a month is abandonment. He can claim everything and sue you. Do the smart right thing. It's time for taking. Time to use his own words and logic in your favor. Like he has always done before, state your demands and say, "we are done here, you trained me well." More of a burden for you, in these depressing times, but you will be helping everyone, yourself, the family, and even your husband. He will have to change. He may hit rock bottom, in order to change, do not go down with him. Things will be better it's going to be okay, it already has begun! |
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Nov 25, 2016 10:36:26 GMT -5
I wrote a long 4 or 5 page letter that was emotionally charged that I never read to him but it did help me collect my own thoughts so it was still helpful. It was also enlightening to read a week or so later and revealed my own state of mind and just how much control I was giving to him. I think I mentioned "Please just let me go" 5 or more times. So thankful I did NOT give him that letter. I mentioned twice before that something had to change or I would leave. Nothing changed. He didn't even acknowledge my discontent. The next time I just packed my bags and made arrangements to stay with a friend. I told him we needed to talk. I told him I couldn't take it any more and I just needed to get off the rollercoaster. He stared at me. I said, I wasn't trying to hurt him but I knew in my heart I would die if I stayed in that house. He stared at me. I asked if he had anything to say and he said "just run away then" I explained I wasn't running away. I had been trying to address this for years and he always shut down. When I started to go into it further, he said (like he always did before), "We are done here". I agreed and I left. That was a little over 3 weeks ago. There is still a lot to do and nothing formal has been drawn up but for me, I had to get out to give myself space and time for real clarity. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. I still can't believe I actually managed to leave. And it took a village of people for me to have the strength including all of you on here, my sisters and my own children. I wrote a letter too but never gave it to him. You should be very proud of yourself for having the courage to find your happiness. Best wishes and hugs. |
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Nov 25, 2016 16:42:25 GMT -5
thebaffledking, lots of good advice in this thread. As much as we want to justify our decision, every point made invites a counterargument and/or strikes a personal blow. And as self-righteous as we might be thinking that if we "tell them like it is" they'll become a better person for it; they won't - they'll be in shock and nothing is going to be heard except "it's over". So, unless you're looking for an argument or a debate, keep it concise and declarative. You don't need their permission or consent, and except in rare cases you aren't going to have a calm, rational discussion afterwards. No matter how badly you might want to lash out and say nasty things in retribution, you'll both come out ahead if you can keep it civil - even when they aren't. That's much easier to do when you're not hung up on laying the blame at their feet. Exit statements are great for organizing your own thoughts and giving clarity to your points. Just don't expect to deliver one verbatim. Or on the schedule you envisioned - frequently things happen ahead of plan when an opportunity presents. Cheers, DC
|
|
