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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 22, 2016 22:11:35 GMT -5
I am down to this last step, and am starting to fine-tune what I want and need to say, without any fluff. I have had a couple of very helpful bits of feedback, but I thought I'd start a thread just for this topic. It will help me for sure, and may help others down the line. What was/would be your exit statement?
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Post by wom360 on Nov 22, 2016 22:24:17 GMT -5
I've been trying for a long time and it's just not working. Im not happy and I've decided to get a divorce.
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Post by wom360 on Nov 22, 2016 22:26:26 GMT -5
I'm just not happy and I've fallen out of love. I can no longer be committed in a sexless marriage.
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 22, 2016 22:28:47 GMT -5
I'm just not happy and I've fallen out of love. I can no longer be committed in a sexless marriage. "That's it?! You don't even want to WORK on it?!!" response? |
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Post by wom360 on Nov 22, 2016 22:33:31 GMT -5
I'm just not happy and I've fallen out of love. I can no longer be committed in a sexless marriage. "That's it?! You don't even want to WORK on it?!!" response? I've been working on it for way too long. Nothing changing and now I just want to move on with my life. |
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 22, 2016 22:35:34 GMT -5
"That's it?! You don't even want to WORK on it?!!" response? I've been working on it for way too long. Nothing changing and now I just want to move on with my life. "Bullshit! You haven't worked on it. How have you worked on it?!" I would say, "In my own heart and mind, for years. After I tried to talk to you about it and got stonewalled, I worked alone." |
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Post by wom360 on Nov 22, 2016 22:42:30 GMT -5
I've been working on it for way too long. Nothing changing and now I just want to move on with my life. "Bullshit! You haven't worked on it. How have you worked on it?!" I'd be thinking her best chance to fix this would be to start undressing. But I'd just keep driving the same point. 'Look like I said I'm not happy and I'm filing. I don't need your permission. ' Don't get sucked in to justifying or defending your decision. She knows very well the state of your sex life. |
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Post by wom360 on Nov 22, 2016 22:45:12 GMT -5
Have you ever seen the list of excuses a husband wrote down that he got from his wife and when he gave it to her she complained and posted it on Reddit. This would be a great time to pull out that kind of list.
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 22, 2016 22:51:03 GMT -5
Have you ever seen the list of excuses a husband wrote down that he got from his wife and when he gave it to her she complained and posted it on Reddit. This would be a great time to pull out that kind of list. Her excuses ALL had to do with what she decided she didn't like about me (and years of reading and gleaning has shown me that her issues with ME are really issues she has carried with her her entire life).......and when she got tired of trying to defend that stuff, she went for the throat with "If you want sex, you can go pay for it if you want." I guess that was her way of 'working on it'. That was the end. That was 8 years ago. Now I'm working out my statement and my amazing life will resume without her toxicity and complete and total lack of empathy or understanding. See ya! |
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Post by wom360 on Nov 22, 2016 22:55:00 GMT -5
Still, don't get sucked into justifying it. You don't need her permission. You're informing her. Not seeking her approval. If she has issues with you then you're doing her a favor.
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 22, 2016 22:59:53 GMT -5
Still, don't get sucked into justifying it. You don't need her permission. You're informing her. Not seeking her approval. If she has issues with you then you're doing her a favor. Excellent, thank you |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Nov 22, 2016 23:12:20 GMT -5
I have a copy but it's on the laptop. I'll try to post it tomorrow.
I went through listing therapy, & what we had tried, moving to guest bed & plan to move out & file. But it will be most help if I give you the actual copy I used. Will find it tomorrow
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Post by unmatched on Nov 22, 2016 23:27:15 GMT -5
Still, don't get sucked into justifying it. You don't need her permission. You're informing her. Not seeking her approval. If she has issues with you then you're doing her a favor. I would strongly second that. There is an exit statement, where you want to communicate clearly that you are leaving and you have made your decision and you are done. Then there messy variants of conversations where either you air your grievances or (in some ideal world) you get to hash out between you what went wrong and lay out how you feel and you each come to see the other person's position and then you leave the marriage with some kind of mutual respect and understanding. These are two completely difference conversations, and you really need to keep them that way. Any discussion of issues at this heated moment is extraordinarily unlikely to be productive and is going to start a whole range of arguments which will only get in the way of communicating what you want to communicate. If you want to have the second conversation (or even a string of them) then there are good arguments for trying, but NOT until the dust has settled a little and you are all committed (or at least resigned!) to the exit. So keep it as simple as you possibly can. |
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Post by baza on Nov 22, 2016 23:49:35 GMT -5
You need to use your own words, your own speech cadence, your own vocabulary.
But within those parameters, you need to keep one underlying principle in mind - that this is a statement of intent.
It is NOT -
- the opening of a negotiation
- the start of a debate
- a request
- a blame apportioning exercise
It is a statement of intent.
Keep it short and to the point (your spouse will likely be stunned at the divorce word, and not really hear too much beyond that anyway)
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Post by tamara68 on Nov 23, 2016 14:18:00 GMT -5
I thought I had enough time for my exit because I planned it for summer 2017, but things made me leave August this year. I didn't have much time for an exit statement. Not for something like a speech. And I didn't think it would matter anyway. Everything that I have said in the past years has been used against me and has been twisted. It has never benefited anything. So when the day came, I kept it short and said "I am leaving and I am going to divorce you, I don't want to live with you anymore". He had seen it coming but nevertheless it was a lot sooner than he had thought. That was followed by a brief discussion and some threats and than I packed my clothes and left.
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