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Post by eternaloptimism on Nov 23, 2016 14:31:32 GMT -5
I thought I had enough time for my exit because I planned it for summer 2017, but things made me leave August this year. I didn't have much time for an exit statement. Not for something like a speech. And I didn't think it would matter anyway. Everything that I have said in the past years has been used against me and has been twisted. I has never benefited anything. So when the day came, I kept it short and said "I am leaving and I am going to divorce you, I don't want to live with you anymore". He had seen it coming but nevertheless it was a lot sooner than he had thought. That was followed by a brief discussion and some threats and than I packed my clothes and left. Wow Tamara. So you literally told him, and went. That's the way girl! I don't even want to watch the disbelief turn to realisation turn to begging turn to anger. Don't want to hash and rehash every detail. Arguing about shit that doesn't matter. I wanna do a Tamara  You are my hero xxx |
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Post by nancyb on Nov 23, 2016 14:32:20 GMT -5
Remember the old saying...it takes two to make a marriage and only one to make a divorce. Speak your truth.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Nov 23, 2016 14:33:56 GMT -5
Remember the old saying...it takes two to make a marriage and only one to make a divorce. Speak your truth. Hi Nancy We didn't say hello properly yet. X |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Nov 23, 2016 14:53:43 GMT -5
@baffledking - I agree with all who have said you need to use your own words. I'm in jaw-dropped awe over Tamara's approach (but I know some of the backstory and her STBX did not deserve any better than she gave him!). Still - in case it helps - here is my grantgeek version of "Sayonara, Sweetheart"
Dear Refuser -
I have decided I would like to start a new life for myself, no longer married to you. I have sought counseling to assist in defining and clarifying my desire for a different life that does not include the role of wife. I have visited a lawyer to find out how a divorce would work. The legal paperwork and formal civil dissolution is easy. I know that actual separation and division of assets and debts won’t be as fast of a step, but it is essentially simple paperwork.
For too long, I have felt I was “not a full half of the couple” and have been dissatisfied with this. I know that you have been putting a lot of your energy into “making me feel better” the last few weeks. I did try to reach back out to you during this time, but have found I am unable to do so. I have no doubt that you have much love for me. I also have much love for you still. But I do not feel loved as I would like to be as your wife. I know that I have a choice in this and so I have chosen to leave the marriage.
There is no other love interest. I am not leaving for another person – I am leaving for myself, for my own hopes & dreams. I literally slow down the car when driving home, to delay my arrival. That isn’t healthy: that I live somewhere that I sort of dread coming back to.
Previously, I had thought it was from your coldness. The recent weeks have proven I was wrong about that. Even at your warmest –lately you have been fawning over me – and even at that, I still pull away and think “it isn’t enough; it’s not what I want” - - what I want is my full freedom. I do not feel that freedom here with you. I understand that is not intentional on your part and there is no blame in this realization. The joint dynamic that we create no longer satisfies me or brings me happiness. The only solution, acceptable to me, is to pursue a divorce.
It will take some time to work out the different living arrangements and the financial details but my decision is made and I plan to proceed with it.
With love and respect,
-GeekGoddess
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Post by tamara68 on Nov 23, 2016 15:04:31 GMT -5
I don't even want to watch the disbelief turn to realisation turn to begging turn to anger. Don't want to hash and rehash every detail. Arguing about shit that doesn't matter. I wanna do a Tamara You are my hero xxx lol Thanks! You are going to do a fantastic eternaloptimism exit! Even better. Beforehand I was afraid. In my mind I had expected a lot of drama and shouting and anger. And than I just went for it. It wasn't good, but it was not as bad as I thought. I stayed (more or less) calm, ignored almost everything he said, but just kept repeating that I was going to leave and that I was going to pack my things. He didn't want to let me get passed him at first, but I told him there were two options. Let me get my things or I would call the police to make sure I could get my things. Like most things you fear. The fears are worse than reality. And do something despite your fear feels damn good! Like a hero lol |
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 23, 2016 15:13:44 GMT -5
Do not do this at home or in the car. Go to a public place, a fast food restaurant. I TOLD my wife, I have hired an attorney, I have moved half our funds, I am ending our marriage. Her response, okay,okay,okay, then came questions about the money. I told her that I did what my attorney advised me to do. I even recommended an attorney for her from our therapist.
It is what it is, you are making a statement, any backlash is to be answered with, "I am not even going to answer that, ask, or tell it to my attorney."
Don't move out of the house, get that clarified by an attorney first, know your rights.
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Post by JonDoe on Nov 24, 2016 8:02:02 GMT -5
Without saying a word, guide your spouse to hold out a hand palm side up, discreetly place your wedding ring in the palm of the hand, close the fingers, step away, and watch intently as your spouse opens the hand and realizes what's going down.
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Post by wewbwb on Nov 24, 2016 8:09:44 GMT -5
I don't even want to watch the disbelief turn to realisation turn to begging turn to anger. Don't want to hash and rehash every detail. Arguing about shit that doesn't matter. I wanna do a Tamara You are my hero xxx lol Thanks! You are going to do a fantastic eternaloptimism exit! Even better. Beforehand I was afraid. In my mind I had expected a lot of drama and shouting and anger. And than I just went for it. It wasn't good, but it was not as bad as I thought. I stayed (more or less) calm, ignored almost everything he said, but just kept repeating that I was going to leave and that I was going to pack my things. He didn't want to let me get passed him at first, but I told him there were two options. Let me get my things or I would call the police to make sure I could get my things. Like most things you fear. The fears are worse than reality. And do something despite your fear feels damn good! Like a hero lol Tamara in many ways you are my hero. I admire your strength, intelligence, dedication humor and judgment. You are a shining example of a strong person. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 24, 2016 8:34:38 GMT -5
Without saying a word, guide your spouse to hold out a hand palm side up, discreetly place your wedding ring in the palm of the hand, close the fingers, step away, and watch intently as your spouse opens the hand and realizes what's going down. That might need some re-enforcement. Like a business card of your attorney with the ring taped to it. My ring came off after 23 yrs of it never leaving my finger. It sat next to the bed in plain sight for about a month. My youngest daughter pointed it out in front of me and my STBX. Might as well talk to the wall. Give up on changing a controller. Shore things up with an attorney, move the money, and have the papers delivered by the Sheriff. |
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Post by tamara68 on Nov 24, 2016 8:43:12 GMT -5
Without saying a word, guide your spouse to hold out a hand palm side up, discreetly place your wedding ring in the palm of the hand, close the fingers, step away, and watch intently as your spouse opens the hand and realizes what's going down. That is passive agressive. I think it is best to simply announce the exit without accusations. It should not be the start of new discussions or fights. There is nothing to gain from that. |
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Post by tamara68 on Nov 24, 2016 8:45:39 GMT -5
lol Thanks! You are going to do a fantastic eternaloptimism exit! Even better. Beforehand I was afraid. In my mind I had expected a lot of drama and shouting and anger. And than I just went for it. It wasn't good, but it was not as bad as I thought. I stayed (more or less) calm, ignored almost everything he said, but just kept repeating that I was going to leave and that I was going to pack my things. He didn't want to let me get passed him at first, but I told him there were two options. Let me get my things or I would call the police to make sure I could get my things. Like most things you fear. The fears are worse than reality. And do something despite your fear feels damn good! Like a hero lol Tamara in many ways you are my hero. I admire your strength, intelligence, dedication humor and judgment. You are a shining example of a strong person. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. Thank you so much  . I am very thankful for the support I have found in this group, from you and others. |
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Post by csl on Nov 24, 2016 9:08:17 GMT -5
Without saying a word, guide your spouse to hold out a hand palm side up, discreetly place your wedding ring in the palm of the hand, close the fingers, step away, and watch intently as your spouse opens the hand and realizes what's going down. That's one of the tactics I recommend on my blog. Two stories about it: 1 - a man in a 26+ year SM finally got fed up and took his ring off and left it on the night stand in the bedroom. That evening, his wife took him to bed, and they started counseling. That simple, you say? No. They fought over sex for years; also, they were of a faith in which symbols were very important and carried great weight. Seeing the ring on the table convinced her that her Hubs was nearing the end of his rope and the ball was in her court. After that night, they had a talk without shouting/fighting, and she agreed to a twice-a-week schedule. 2 - when I recommended it as a tactic on another board about 4-5 years ago, a man was vehemently opposed to it. It seems that a few years before, when his wife was dissatisfied with their marriage, she quietly took her ring off and put it in a drawer. It was months before he realized she wasn't wearing her ring and asked why not? She told him that the marriage was the pits, and she was growing away from him. They entered counseling, and got the marriage back on track. But the taking off of the ring was her telling herself it was okay to start thinking about ending it, and he was upset that she was thinking that. I said to him, "So, her not wearing a right was a sign to you? You make my point." |
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Post by JonDoe on Nov 24, 2016 9:18:56 GMT -5
Without saying a word, guide your spouse to hold out a hand palm side up, discreetly place your wedding ring in the palm of the hand, close the fingers, step away, and watch intently as your spouse opens the hand and realizes what's going down. That is passive agressive. I think it is best to simply announce the exit without accusations. It should not be the start of new discussions or fights. There is nothing to gain from that. For it to be passive aggressive, it would need to be an indirect expression of hostility, and I don't see it that way at all. It is very direct, and not intended to be hostile. The soft, gentle touch, sadness in your eyes, and most likely tears, should convey your emotions clearly. I see it as far less clinical than simply stating in a cold, emotionless tone that you moved half the money, hired ann attorney, and filed for divorce. Sometimes a message can be much more impactful and heartfelt when no words are spoken. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 24, 2016 9:39:57 GMT -5
That is passive agressive. I think it is best to simply announce the exit without accusations. It should not be the start of new discussions or fights. There is nothing to gain from that. For it to be passive aggressive, it would need to be an indirect expression of hostility, and I don't see it that way at all. It is very direct, and not intended to be hostile. The soft, gentle touch, sadness in your eyes, and most likely tears, should convey your emotions clearly. I see it as far less clinical than simply stating in a cold, emotionless tone that you moved half the money, hired ann attorney, and filed for divorce. Sometimes a message can be much more impactful and heartfelt when no words are spoken. Friend I do not mean to criticize you, I only want to help you. YOU have approached your wife with sadness in your eyes, tears, and conveyed your emotions clearly. What did it get you? Was it impactful? |
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Post by tamara68 on Nov 24, 2016 9:51:02 GMT -5
For it to be passive aggressive, it would need to be an indirect expression of hostility, and I don't see it that way at all. It is very direct, and not intended to be hostile. The soft, gentle touch, sadness in your eyes, and most likely tears, should convey your emotions clearly. I see it as far less clinical than simply stating in a cold, emotionless tone that you moved half the money, hired ann attorney, and filed for divorce. Sometimes a message can be much more impactful and heartfelt when no words are spoken. Okay if you put it that way. I guess it all depends on the way you present it and on the circumstances. |
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. I am very thankful for the support I have found in this group, from you and others.
