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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 18, 2016 14:50:42 GMT -5
Not so sure about putting sparks in our spouses pants though. Battery cables.  Those who've seen Mortdecai will appreciate the reference. (And if you haven't, it's a fun movie to take your mind off things.) Even cables can't start a dead battery. Time to take it to the dump, and get a new one . ( with a life long guarantee!) |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2016 17:42:24 GMT -5
I ended up finding this group the same way you did - googling "Sexless Marriage" after another pointless conversation with my husband and ending up crying again. I can't even count the number of things or the number of times I tried to get him interested, and it always ended the same way - with me crying myself to sleep, wondering what was wrong with me that he didn't love me. I think most of us here have experienced some version of what you're going through. I remember the relief of finding out that I wasn't the only woman on earth with this problem - you always hear about men whose wives don't want sex, but I never heard the other way around until I found this group.
I'm so sorry you had to find us. I'd like to echo BBall girl and encourage you to find things to do that you love whether it's exercise, a class in a topic you've always been interested in, meeting up with a friend you've lost touch with, volunteering for a cause you believe in - anything that you can do just for yourself, separate from him. You need to be around people who appreciate you just for being yourself. I can still remember getting out of my car for a group run one day and seeing everyone's faces turn toward me and break out into smiles. They were actually happy to see me! It almost made me cry because I had been feeling so worthless and down. It's time to start taking care of yourself and finding some happiness outside your marriage.
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Post by unmatched on Apr 18, 2016 18:17:48 GMT -5
There is a phrase which gets thrown around a lot here, which is 'it's all great bar the sex'. As in most of us come here thinking our lives and our marriage are pretty much OK if only our spouses would have sex with us. Then, typically, you start digging a bit further and you find that there is also a lot of communication missing, and then probably a major lack of concern on the part of your partner over how much pain you are in. Often they don't get it, or they can't bring themselves to get it, and they certainly won't allow themselves to empathise or put themselves in your shoes. At that point you can start to be honest with yourself and realise how long it has been since you felt truly happy or fulfilled in your marriage. And I hate to say it but in 99% of cases the spouse is completely incapable of doing anything about it (or at least completely unwilling to, depending on your point of view).
I feel that most of us in this situation are far too good at coping. That is what has kept our marriages together for so long, and allowed us to suppress the larger part of what we are feeling in the name of stability and continuity and perhaps even love. But sometimes not coping is exactly what is needed. You need your partner to see that this is MUCH more important than whatever is going on at work and your marriage is going to fall apart if it doesn't change. And you need to see that this is not just about sex, this is about you constantly suppressing who you are and shutting down the love and the life within you. Stopping yourself from living the life you were born to live, and being the person you desperately want to be. Sometimes you just need to let the shell break and let whatever is inside come out into the daylight.
(Sorry, I don't know how that turned into a sermon, I am having a weird morning and I think I am probably talking to myself. But I still think it is true...)
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 18, 2016 18:51:10 GMT -5
There is a phrase which gets thrown around a lot here, which is 'it's all great bar the sex'. As in most of us come here thinking our lives and our marriage are pretty much OK if only our spouses would have sex with us. Then, typically, you start digging a bit further and you find that there is also a lot of communication missing, and then probably a major lack of concern on the part of your partner over how much pain you are in. Often they don't get it, or they can't bring themselves to get it, and they certainly won't allow themselves to empathise or put themselves in your shoes. At that point you can start to be honest with yourself and realise how long it has been since you felt truly happy or fulfilled in your marriage. And I hate to say it but in 99% of cases the spouse is completely incapable of doing anything about it (or at least completely unwilling to, depending on your point of view). I feel that most of us in this situation are far too good at coping. That is what has kept our marriages together for so long, and allowed us to suppress the larger part of what we are feeling in the name of stability and continuity and perhaps even love. But sometimes not coping is exactly what is needed. You need your partner to see that this is MUCH more important than whatever is going on at work and your marriage is going to fall apart if it doesn't change. And you need to see that this is not just about sex, this is about you constantly suppressing who you are and shutting down the love and the life within you. Stopping yourself from living the life you were born to live, and being the person you desperately want to be. Sometimes you just need to let the shell break and let whatever is inside come out into the daylight. (Sorry, I don't know how that turned into a sermon, I am having a weird morning and I think I am probably talking to myself. But I still think it is true...) So well said!! That's exactly it!! Very emotional to read!! |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2016 20:07:52 GMT -5
This is my first day on the group. I've been searching for answers to my SM for a couple of years and while googling, came upon another site which referenced this one. I'm in a really dark place today. I've been crying for most of it and haven't managed to even get out of bed today. I don't see the point. I've tried hundreds of times over the last few years to get my husband to talk to me, to tell me why he doesn't want me any more. I've been rejected too many times and I don't try to initiate sex anymore - it's too painful. I guess today I just can't take any more of it and I'm just feeling sorry for myself and the realisation that it's make or break time. I'm so sorry to ramble on. I've read what so many of you have posted and so much is ringing true with me. I didn't realise that it was such a common problem and some of the possible reasons for his behaviour. I've got no self-esteem anymore, no confidence and my spark has gone. I don't know what the answer is. Either accept it or leave I suppose. But why can't I accept it? I do still love him, but I can see now how cruel he's being. How do we cope? Because I'm not at the moment. Sorry I was a member of this group on EP and didn't really participate in the discussions. But, since this group is just people who are, or have been, in a SM, you will receive support, tough love, compassion and a laugh or two, in a judgment-free zone. The first step? Well, you found us. Fromthis point forward, we'll be beside you. For the immediate future, it's time to concentrate on YOU. No. Really. YOU. Not hin. Not your family. YOU. For me, it meant, going to my doctor for some serious talk about my mental and emotional health, finding a therapist, getting back to exercising, resting properly, feeding my body and soul. The most difficult part was "coming out" to myself as a woman who had a perfectly healthy desire for sex, intimacy and physical touch. I haven't even worked through any future legal issues (i.e., separation, divorce, or whatever). Just today, and member of this group, helped keep me smiling through a rough day. He might have flirted with me a tiny bit, which felt amazing as a woman. He, a man who had no reason to, told me that I was attractive. So, accept responsibility for HALF of the relationship. The other half - the refusal of intimacy part - is on him. Period. I won't say it gets "easier," but you change and create a "new normal, and THAT is better. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2016 20:28:54 GMT -5
Just checking in...Others have already said most of what I would have said, so I will try not to be repetitive here. You are not alone. And, this is NOT your fault. Three years ago, I was where you are now. My man had lost interest in sex, and I was heartbroken. And I went through stages. I tried for 3 years to get our relationship back to normal; but finally I just couldn't hold on any longer.
Whether you decide to do something quickly or decide to take your time and think, it's okay. On balance, I think most people take some time to get to a point where they take definite action. There have been a few exceptions, but generally, when it first dawns on you that your marriage is sexless, it takes a little while to adjust to that reality. Once you get your footing, then you go through all the emotions and you play with possibilities and ideas. Everybody's story is just different enough so that no one can totally predict how things will go for you.
Finally, this is not a website run by any therapists or mental health organizations. We are a group of people who have experienced the same thing. This group is a lot like 12-Step groups, such as AA. We are not professionals. Our credentials are our own hard-earned experience.
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Post by RumRunner on Apr 18, 2016 21:11:20 GMT -5
Thanks for that. I need to learn to cope I think. I just feel so worthless. I understand how you feel, but know it is your spouse who really is the one who has the problem. It isn't you. Unfortunately, it affects you so it is your problem too. The real issue is what to do about it. Most people here have read some of the stories posted by bazzar on EP. I have always enjoyed reading his stories and he seemed to be a very well respected member of the group. Maybe some of his stories could be a little helpful to you, here is one of them that I liked.... www.experienceproject.com/stories/Live-In-A-Sexless-Marriage/7533007Welcome, and I hope you find what you are looking for. This is a very difficult place to be. Best wishes always...... RR |
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Post by Dan on Apr 18, 2016 21:56:26 GMT -5
Not so sure about putting sparks in our spouses pants though. Battery cables. Those who've seen Mortdecai will appreciate the reference. (And if you haven't, it's a fun movie to take your mind off things.) Proposed new ILIASM lingo: "bacon scented battery cables" -- something that is supposed to get the spark going, but just doesn't! Dear Heartbroken: 1) Hang around with us; post whenever you'd like; we'll help talk you through it... because we are going through it too! We will hopefully make you smile... eventually. (You'll know we are "sinking in" when a you smile and nod at a reference to "bacon scented [anything]"... as I'm pretty sure many of our season participants did when they read the above.) 2) As @creelunion mentioned, please consider individual therapy. You are conflicted right now... because you want to stay and fix it AND you are fed up and think you might have to end it. Resolving such internal conflicts is one of the main purposes of individual talk therapy. Well, if not resolving it, at least having someone to talk to while you work on it and come to terms with your options. Kindest regards, Dan |
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Post by Dan on Apr 18, 2016 21:59:32 GMT -5
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Post by heartbroken55 on Apr 18, 2016 23:30:14 GMT -5
Thank you all SO much! I think just knowing how difficult and common this problem is, and how everyone copes in different ways is helping me understand it more. And hopefully come to terms with it. I can see now that I AM conflicted and I will try to find a good counsellor to help me sort myself out.
I tried talking to my husband when he got home last night, to explain how I was feeling - he could very clearly see how upset I was - but he said he was tired and we'd have to, "do this another time."
I'm so glad that I found this group and thank you all for your lovely comments and advice.
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Post by DryCreek on Apr 18, 2016 23:37:25 GMT -5
I tried talking to my husband when he got home last night, to explain how I was feeling - he could very clearly see how upset I was - but he said he was tired and we'd have to, "do this another time." It's ridiculous to have to resort to this, but... book time on his calendar, if that's what it takes. If he can't make you a priority when you need it, surely he can make *some* time for you. (Giving him benefit of the doubt, maybe he felt disadvantaged with the timing and his mental state, but still... He should have no excuse for making time when its planned ahead.) |
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Post by unmatched on Apr 18, 2016 23:39:29 GMT -5
I tried talking to my husband when he got home last night, to explain how I was feeling - he could very clearly see how upset I was - but he said he was tired and we'd have to, "do this another time." I am sorry, that sucks. I remember the first time I tried talking to my wife it wasn't even about sex. I just said I was feeling very alone and lonely and needed some support and affection. Her response was 'I am sorry, I don't have any more to give right now.' |
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Post by heartbroken55 on Apr 18, 2016 23:45:11 GMT -5
I'm so sorry, unmatched. That's what I was trying to talk to him about...feeling unwanted and uncared for, so I know how you feel. It's just so hard.
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Post by ModCasper on Apr 19, 2016 5:41:10 GMT -5
Thank you. I don't know how to pm at the moment. Welcome to the ILIASM Forum. Here is a link to a thread explaining how to send "private messages" (PMs) on this forum: iliasm.freeforums.net/post/969/threadPlease post additional question or comments about PMing on that thread. And for any other questions about the site, please feel free to PM me, Admin, or any of the other moderators. |
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Post by snowman12345 on Apr 19, 2016 5:57:43 GMT -5
HB55, I won't welcome you to this site - I would not wish our problem on anybody. You will find many wise and wonderful people on here who will listen to your issues and support you in your journey. A wise fellow from Australia said that you have three choices in a sexless marriage: stay and be celibate, stay and outsource (cheat if you prefer) or leave. Your job will be to find your way to the decision that is right for you.
I wish you luck and I hope you find peace.
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Those who've seen Mortdecai will appreciate the reference. (And if you haven't, it's a fun movie to take your mind off things.)
