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Post by scrimshaw on May 26, 2016 14:52:48 GMT -5
And at her last surgery (she still has one or two to go, but she wants to heal up for a year or so), they discovered nodules on her thyroid. We've had one go at a biopsy for those, but the doctor fouled that up and nicked a blood vessel, so they didn't get it done. Next try with a different doctor at a different hospital is maybe sometime in May, have to meet with the doctor first of course. She has a noticeably higher risk of thyroid cancer due to the radiation from her breast cancer, although it's by no means certain. Most people have non-cancerous thyroid nodules by the time they are 60, and virtually everyone will have them by age 70. All of that doesn't really ease my mind though. Holy crap, your wife has been through the grinder. I'm sure you're long past being tired of all the medical discussions, but some pointers from someone who's been there on the thyroid front... [deleted for brevity] Incidentally, PSA for the bystanders here... When you get x-rays at the dentist, insist on the neck shield. They all have it, but they don't offer it by default. I strongly suspect that my thyroid problem was the result of being too diligent about dental care over the years. Ironic. We finally got the re-try for the fine needle aspiration (FNA) scheduled for the middle of June. Happier with the new endocrinologist, he looked at her existing scans and such with us, and explained what he was seeing and what he thought it meant. He noted things that made him believe it is very likely not cancer, and actually would have been fine with just watching it and her coming back in six months for a re-check, although he did say that the standard of care was to do the FNA with the size of her nodules, and noted that for our peace of mind it was worth doing. I appreciate the time he took to explain what we were looking at. I'd say in my wife's case, if it is cancer, it's far more likely down to the radiation she got for her breast cancer than dental X-rays. I can't remember if the shield our dentist uses includes a neck piece or not, I'll have to check next time. |
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Post by scrimshaw on May 26, 2016 15:07:29 GMT -5
Scrimshaw, I totally sympathise with your plight, as I am in a similar position. My wife developed arthritis of the spine,neck, hips and shoulders in tandem with Fibromyalgia. Last June she was diagnosed with stage 3 kidney cancer, this led to a kidney and a 10cm tumour being removed. This all led to a non existent sexlife and all that goes with it, the frustration balanced with the need to be by my wife's side during her illnesses and treatments . One thing that always gets to me, your partner gets all the sympathy and understand where you are virtually ignored, no matter that it's you that are holding it all together. ^^^^ THIS!! EXACTLY!! ^^^^ I can count on one hand the number of times I've been asked about how I'm doing by our friends. Fortunately, as a result of the counseling we've had, my wife is very aware of how difficult things have been for me as the caretaker. She actually took a couple women to task who were complaining about their husbands in her breast cancer group. It's difficult to realize that the partner-as-caregiver has also experienced a trauma. And, to an even greater extent than support groups for the breast cancer warriors, the support groups for co-survivors are almost exclusively well past retirement age. We were lucky to find Young Survival Coalition for support for her, they focus on women diagnosed before 40. While my wife was actually diagnosed at 42, they have been nothing short of wonderful and totally accepting to us/her. I'm sorry to hear of your wife's cancer. I hope you are doing well at holding yourself together as well as, as you say, everything else. |
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Post by scrimshaw on May 26, 2016 15:45:53 GMT -5
Do you think maybe she wants to go to that particular counselor in the hope that you'll come to accept that you can't have sex anymore? Honestly, I don't think so. This counselor is much more well-versed in cancer and the 'collateral damage'. I think it's partially to help convince me to have patience while she works with the pelvic floor therapist, and partially to get us to be able to communicate about sex more openly and not dance around the issues. |
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Post by scrimshaw on May 26, 2016 16:25:12 GMT -5
There is a site called "wellspouse" or something like that. But yes, there are few resources for those who are left to care for a spouse who is not right. And frankly, if a spouse is unable/unwilling to have sex with the other, then the refuser should not have a problem with the refused spouse seeking sex elsewhere. I think that it's really a case of not understanding what it's like until you've been there. I know now, having been here, that if I found myself in a sexually active relationship, where I became unable to have sex for some reason, I would encourage my partner to find sexual satisfaction elsewhere if they felt they needed to. I think that without having been in my shoes, she's unable to separate sexual fulfillment with "commitment to marriage". She's afraid I'd run off with whoever I found sexual satisfaction with. She believes (and I'm pretty sure she's correct in this belief), that I more than likely won't leave over lack of sex alone. |
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Post by wewbwb on May 26, 2016 16:30:21 GMT -5
There is a site called "wellspouse" or something like that. But yes, there are few resources for those who are left to care for a spouse who is not right. And frankly, if a spouse is unable/unwilling to have sex with the other, then the refuser should not have a problem with the refused spouse seeking sex elsewhere. I think that it's really a case of not understanding what it's like until you've been there. I know now, having been here, that if I found myself in a sexually active relationship, where I became unable to have sex for some reason, I would encourage my partner to find sexual satisfaction elsewhere if they felt they needed to. I think that without having been in my shoes, she's unable to separate sexual fulfillment with "commitment to marriage". She's afraid I'd run off with whoever I found sexual satisfaction with. She believes (and I'm pretty sure she's correct in this belief), that I more than likely won't leave over lack of sex alone. That's an issue of trust. It's a difficult one and I feel for you. |
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Post by scrimshaw on May 26, 2016 17:01:56 GMT -5
A counsellor I saw back in the day had a take on this. - In her opinion, ones emotions react the same way whether the rejective behaviour is accidental or deliberate, intended or unintended, for good reason or no good reason, malicious or just thoughtless. In other words, the emotional damage accrues anyway, even if one can rationalise the behaviour conciously. Even if you can explain it away logically. Even if there is "good reason" for it. - The counsellor and I had a lively discussion about this, as I reckoned it was bullshit. I was always rationalising my then missus' behaviour back then - "She was just having a bad day and didn't mean it" sort of thing. But as time went on, I came around to the counsellors viewpoint. My emotions WERE getting banged up. It may - or may not - have been anybodies "fault" that this was happening, but it was beyond arguement that it WAS happening. I agree with the counselor. It is a trauma, a loss, no matter if accidental or deliberate. That's why people sometimes get angry at people who've died. Except in the case of suicide, or where people knowingly engaged in very risky behaviour, they didn't die because of a decision they made. The problem is, I (or any refused person) can make a decision to get away from the trauma and loss of the sex life, at the cost of trauma and loss of a relationship. Some relationships of course would be better off to be ended, but that isn't always the case. |
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Post by scrimshaw on May 26, 2016 17:40:22 GMT -5
I'm so sorry you are going through this, and that your wife is going through this. It sounds like an unimaginable amount of fear, anxiety, pain and suffering. I think it's quite amazing that she is trying, it seems to me you have to let her try if only to know for sure if it's possible. It may be that she can never enjoy sex again and if so you will have to figure out how to handle it. I can't say I'm pro-prostitution but it seems designed exactly for situations like this, so you can at least survive without falling in love until the situation with your wife plays out? I know this may be an ethical gray area, but perhaps there is a supportive sex worker out there who has experience with this exact type of dilemma. Unfortunately, you don't sound like a good candidate for giving up sex forever. Eventually, you will find intimacy with her or with someone else because you can't live without it. That doesn't make you a bad person or it her fault. It's just terrible luck all around. I happen to be in favor of legalizing prostitution. I think the current criminalization is creating unnecessary victims of sex trafficking. Would legalizing prostitution stop all sex trafficking? Of course not, illegal prostitution will always be less expensive (presuming you don't get caught or get an STD) than legal prostitution. It's not a simple argument either way. In my case, I really don't want to risk arrest. I don't need that kind of expense and it could affect my employment. |
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Post by scrimshaw on May 26, 2016 17:54:37 GMT -5
No, it's a good point, and I probably should have talked about it, but to be honest sometimes just typing it all out is draining. Yes, we very much still kiss, cuddle, hold hands, walk arm-in-arm, etc. We have a tandem bike we ride together (note that tandems are often called 'divorce bikes'), and we binge watch stuff on Netflix together.  Our marriage is quite unlike most "sexless marriages". As I've said to a couple people, and please understand this is not at all judgmental, but for the overwhelming majority of people in sexless marriages, the fact that their marriage is sexless is actually the least of their problems. The marriages as they describe them are dysfunctional, toxic, and in some cases borderline or actually abusive. That's not my marriage. Our dysfunction is honestly only around sex. We sleep in the same bed. I kiss her goodmorning and goodnight every day. We communicate well about everything except sex, and in that area we both kinda shut down. Now, I do think that it's really important that people in toxic relationships have a good safe place to vent and commiserate and decide if they need to leave. The fact their marriages are also sexless is a symptom, rather than the actual problem in the marriage. In my case, the problem is that she is facing medical issues that make intercourse impossible, and we both suffer enough depression that talking about it is extremely difficult for us. I've avoided this forum until now because I don't feel like I really fit in to the ILIASM community as it is. That's not a bad thing, it's just how it is. But maybe there's a couple other people out their facing similar issues. Sometimes, the intimacy issues are what causes the other issues to arise. Things can go south very quick when one decides they are done, or are going to ration the affection. That leads to resentment, which leads to numerous other problems. This is true, but I suspect not that often. There is only a very small segment of population that is actually asexual. It is a bit of a chicken and egg question, although certainly the loss of intimacy can amplify other problems. I think there is generally a reason, even if unspoken or even unrecognized by the refuser for someone to decide to stop or "ration" affection. Rationing affecting is emotional blackmail, and I would claim does not happen in "otherwise healthy" relationships. My father-in-law's gf "suddenly stopped" one day. He found out years later, when it was WAY too late, that it was because she had discovered a lump in her breast, and didn't want to go to the doctor, and didn't want him to find it because he might insist she go. Given how long it took to kill her, I'm sure the cancer was completely survivable. |
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