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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2016 18:54:20 GMT -5
Scrimshaw, your wife has physical issues. Yes extreme ones. so sorry for you. My wife is not as extreme but has physical issues too.
She had a hysterectomy too. She tired hormones but could not tolerate them. She has depression, obesity, diabetes, no hormones, and no sex drive. Now she has had a traumatic brain injury and is disabled.
seems that I am never getting laid again.
I have strong feelings that they need to let us seek sex and a relationship elsewhere...
Not to sound judgemental, but I cant imagine not having oral sex in a marriage...
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Post by SweepyBear on Apr 27, 2016 11:18:55 GMT -5
Scrimshaw, I totally sympathise with your plight, as I am in a similar position. My wife developed arthritis of the spine,neck, hips and shoulders in tandem with Fibromyalgia. Last June she was diagnosed with stage 3 kidney cancer, this led to a kidney and a 10cm tumour being removed. This all led to a non existent sexlife and all that goes with it, the frustration balanced with the need to be by my wife's side during her illnesses and treatments . One thing that always gets to me, your partner gets all the sympathy and understand where you are virtually ignored, no matter that it's you that are holding it all together.
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2016 22:47:36 GMT -5
Do you think maybe she wants to go to that particular counselor in the hope that you'll come to accept that you can't have sex anymore?
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Post by snowman12345 on May 6, 2016 9:56:48 GMT -5
Scrimshaw, I totally sympathise with your plight, as I am in a similar position. My wife developed arthritis of the spine,neck, hips and shoulders in tandem with Fibromyalgia. Last June she was diagnosed with stage 3 kidney cancer, this led to a kidney and a 10cm tumour being removed. This all led to a non existent sexlife and all that goes with it, the frustration balanced with the need to be by my wife's side during her illnesses and treatments . One thing that always gets to me, your partner gets all the sympathy and understand where you are virtually ignored, no matter that it's you that are holding it all together. This is a great point, you BOTH have this cancer. It effects both partners in the marriage.
I know a woman who fought breast cancer. When at last she became cancer free, her husband (who had dutifully stood by her side) left her for a woman who looked very much like her. The difference being one he could have sex with and the other he could not. I know, I know - it was not the wife's fault, she didn't ask to have cancer, but neither did the husband. In the end, he still lost the wife he once had.
Life and marriage isn't about winning or losing - it is about finding a place in yourself that you can live with. PIV sex is lost due to disease - okay, there is at least 1,000 other ways to be intimate - to provide for your partner. The partner may have to accept that these other ways of being intimate are enough. If the compromise is a no go for either partner, you are then back where you started - but with the knowledge that it is not going to work.
You then have the "Bazaar Trilogy of Choices": Stay and suffer. Stay and cheat. Leave.
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2016 11:20:11 GMT -5
IMHO, there is not nearly enough empathy or support for spouses of people with health problems. If I ever win the lottery, I will start a foundation to help spouses and family members. The sick people already have the American Cancer Society, Lung Association, etc.
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Post by wewbwb on May 6, 2016 14:05:50 GMT -5
IMHO, there is not nearly enough empathy or support for spouses of people with health problems. If I ever win the lottery, I will start a foundation to help spouses and family members. The sick people already have the American Cancer Society, Lung Association, etc. You are so much better then me. |
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Post by snowman12345 on May 6, 2016 14:48:47 GMT -5
IMHO, there is not nearly enough empathy or support for spouses of people with health problems. If I ever win the lottery, I will start a foundation to help spouses and family members. The sick people already have the American Cancer Society, Lung Association, etc. You are so much better then me. Me too. If I won the lottery I'd blow it all on hookers and booze! LOL
I'm kidding. Maybe.
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2016 14:50:40 GMT -5
There is a site called "wellspouse" or something like that. But yes, there are few resources for those who are left to care for a spouse who is not right.
And frankly, if a spouse is unable/unwilling to have sex with the other, then the refuser should not have a problem with the refused spouse seeking sex elsewhere.
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Post by gearcynic on May 7, 2016 8:40:52 GMT -5
You know, she's trying - that means she's NOT a refuser, there is hope, but DAMN that's a lot to go through.  |
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Post by baza on May 24, 2016 22:02:01 GMT -5
A counsellor I saw back in the day had a take on this.
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In her opinion, ones emotions react the same way whether the rejective behaviour is accidental or deliberate, intended or unintended, for good reason or no good reason, malicious or just thoughtless.
In other words, the emotional damage accrues anyway, even if one can rationalise the behaviour conciously. Even if you can explain it away logically. Even if there is "good reason" for it.
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The counsellor and I had a lively discussion about this, as I reckoned it was bullshit. I was always rationalising my then missus' behaviour back then - "She was just having a bad day and didn't mean it" sort of thing.
But as time went on, I came around to the counsellors viewpoint.
My emotions WERE getting banged up.
It may - or may not - have been anybodies "fault" that this was happening, but it was beyond arguement that it WAS happening.
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Post by nyartgal on May 25, 2016 9:48:28 GMT -5
I'm so sorry you are going through this, and that your wife is going through this. It sounds like an unimaginable amount of fear, anxiety, pain and suffering. I think it's quite amazing that she is trying, it seems to me you have to let her try if only to know for sure if it's possible. It may be that she can never enjoy sex again and if so you will have to figure out how to handle it. I can't say I'm pro-prostitution but it seems designed exactly for situations like this, so you can at least survive without falling in love until the situation with your wife plays out? I know this may be an ethical gray area, but perhaps there is a supportive sex worker out there who has experience with this exact type of dilemma.
Unfortunately, you don't sound like a good candidate for giving up sex forever. Eventually, you will find intimacy with her or with someone else because you can't live without it. That doesn't make you a bad person or it her fault. It's just terrible luck all around.
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Post by wewbwb on May 25, 2016 10:11:32 GMT -5
You are so much better then me. Me too. If I won the lottery I'd blow it all on hookers and booze! LOL
I'm kidding. Maybe.
And waste the rest. |
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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2016 15:47:34 GMT -5
A counsellor I saw back in the day had a take on this. - In her opinion, ones emotions react the same way whether the rejective behaviour is accidental or deliberate, intended or unintended, for good reason or no good reason, malicious or just thoughtless. In other words, the emotional damage accrues anyway, even if one can rationalise the behaviour conciously. Even if you can explain it away logically. Even if there is "good reason" for it. - The counsellor and I had a lively discussion about this, as I reckoned it was bullshit. I was always rationalising my then missus' behaviour back then - "She was just having a bad day and didn't mean it" sort of thing. But as time went on, I came around to the counsellors viewpoint. My emotions WERE getting banged up. It may - or may not - have been anybodies "fault" that this was happening, but it was beyond arguement that it WAS happening. If someone blows your head off with a shotgun, the fact that they didn't mean it doesn't put your head back on your shoulders. |
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Post by angryspartan on May 25, 2016 15:56:33 GMT -5
Scrimshaw, I am so sorry, this is awful for both of you. You said one thing above that stood out for me, which was 'we've drifted so far apart on intimacy that even getting there is a long road'. Do you still kiss, cuddle, touch each other etc. much? If not I wonder whether that might be a good place to start rebuilding things, rather than going straight for the sex. I know it sounds a bit like trying scented candles, and I don't know enough of your story to know whether that might still be useful, so shoot me down if you think things are way too far gone for that. But I wonder whether focusing mostly on physical intimacy and then seeing what can grow out of that might be your most productive way forwards. (Partly on the grounds that if she no longer wants the physical intimacy at all then your chances of regaining a sex life are minimal at best.) No, it's a good point, and I probably should have talked about it, but to be honest sometimes just typing it all out is draining. Yes, we very much still kiss, cuddle, hold hands, walk arm-in-arm, etc. We have a tandem bike we ride together (note that tandems are often called 'divorce bikes'), and we binge watch stuff on Netflix together.  Our marriage is quite unlike most "sexless marriages". As I've said to a couple people, and please understand this is not at all judgmental, but for the overwhelming majority of people in sexless marriages, the fact that their marriage is sexless is actually the least of their problems. The marriages as they describe them are dysfunctional, toxic, and in some cases borderline or actually abusive. That's not my marriage. Our dysfunction is honestly only around sex. We sleep in the same bed. I kiss her goodmorning and goodnight every day. We communicate well about everything except sex, and in that area we both kinda shut down. Now, I do think that it's really important that people in toxic relationships have a good safe place to vent and commiserate and decide if they need to leave. The fact their marriages are also sexless is a symptom, rather than the actual problem in the marriage. In my case, the problem is that she is facing medical issues that make intercourse impossible, and we both suffer enough depression that talking about it is extremely difficult for us. I've avoided this forum until now because I don't feel like I really fit in to the ILIASM community as it is. That's not a bad thing, it's just how it is. But maybe there's a couple other people out their facing similar issues. Sometimes, the intimacy issues are what causes the other issues to arise. Things can go south very quick when one decides they are done, or are going to ration the affection. That leads to resentment, which leads to numerous other problems. |
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Post by scrimshaw on May 26, 2016 14:39:55 GMT -5
First, I *REALLY* appreciate all your responses, I will try to answer the majority of them.
Second, I do apologize for going radio silent for a while. I've been meaning to write here, but a lot has been going on at work, and I've been a bit too mentally exhausted. We'll see how it goes from here on.
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