drbamboo
Junior Member
Posts: 20 
Age Range: 56-60
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Post by drbamboo on Nov 13, 2016 16:43:34 GMT -5
First time in 30 years. I've had emotional affairs before and I've had internet affairs before, but this was the real deal. Nothing grey area about it. And it was fun. And I enjoyed it. And I plan on doing it again.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Nov 13, 2016 17:31:46 GMT -5
I believe there's no point to feel bad about it. It wasn't much of a part of my story- I moved to the guest room after telling my husband I would move out & file. The second weekend after being in the guest room, I went out of town & had the best sex of my life. I saw him (Loverman) once more before completing my move out of the house. I saw him a few more times before the divorce was completely final.
And I did get to see him a few times after the paperwork finalized also.
I'm recently back in touch with him again- just flirting/sexting but it's all just for fun, I think. I don't expect anything to really materialize this time (like an in-person visit).
Find your happiness. It's out there.
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Post by DryCreek on Nov 13, 2016 17:35:48 GMT -5
First time in 30 years. I've had emotional affairs before and I've had internet affairs before, but this was the real deal. Nothing grey area about it. And it was fun. And I enjoyed it. And I plan on doing it again. That's a long time to hold out and then snap. What led up to the event? I.e., did things at home push you over the edge, or did you fall into the perfect opportunity, or was it more like walking the edge of a cliff and the inevitable happened? Do you see a repeat being with the same person, or are you just cutting the leash in general? |
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Post by beachguy on Nov 13, 2016 17:37:36 GMT -5
Without sex it's not monogamy.
She cheated first, she violated her vows when she enforced celibacy
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Post by baza on Nov 13, 2016 17:41:24 GMT -5
Cheating is a perfectly legitimate choice.
It is also a choice that can result in unforeseen and unmanageable consequences, because getting a third party involved in an already dysfunctional situation can - and does - often spin things off at crazy tangents.
An obvious example, you get caught and your missus goes ape shit.
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For that reason, it is smart to check out with a lawyer in your jurisdiction how a divorce would shake out for you, and, to develop a rudimentary exit strategy so you are prepared (at least to some extent) for your deal going guts up in uncontrolled chaos.
It's the less glamorous side of the cheating option, and really is all about mitigating the potential consequences of your actions.
If you are going to continue to have a crack at this perfectly legitimate choice, best you have a do-able fall back plan.
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Then, with that in place, root to your hearts content and enjoy it while it lasts.
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drbamboo
Junior Member
Posts: 20
Age Range: 56-60
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Post by drbamboo on Nov 13, 2016 17:53:44 GMT -5
Baza - it's a no fault state and she will go batshit anyway. And 30 years is a long time and everyone has a limit. I frankly don't give a fuck. I'm not a woman in a Muslim country so I can't be stoned to death. So losing 50% is trivial in comparison.
Dr Creak - combination. Tried to leave 18 months ago and chickened out. Therapy and things got infinitesimally better. But quickly reached an asymptotic point and so confirmed my original plan. And yes it will be happening again. And it will either be discovered or we will start the divorce conversation.
Beachguy - technically she never refused. At least not recently. She knows there is trouble brewing and I rarely ask for sex (it's too boring). So in her view the marriage is not sexless. The divorce conversation will revolve around her inability to orgasm (psychologically abusive mother and I no longer care because she refuses to deal with it). Which she may or may not agree with or believe it's really not important.
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Post by obobfla on Nov 13, 2016 18:41:46 GMT -5
For me, it was so worth it! I had a woman who found me attractive, and we could talk about anything. Repaired my male ego.
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Post by bballgirl on Nov 13, 2016 20:30:43 GMT -5
Good for you! You only live once!!
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Post by baza on Nov 13, 2016 20:39:48 GMT -5
Well. I'll float the idea of an orderly / respectful divorce strategy past you for consideration - since you are ready for the 50/50 split, and really couldn't give a fuck anyway.
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The upsides of this are that you manage the thing to a conclusion and preserve as much goodwill as possible with your missus (who despite everything is still the mother of your kids) and someone you will have to deal with on an ongoing basis at some level or other.
And, an orderly / respectful dissolution ought help enormously with helping said kids transition through the process.
To some extent, this option also helps in managing the friends / family reactions as well.
And, if it is important to you, to preserve your good name / integrity.
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If you can say with your hand on your heart about your divorce - "we parted ways because just grew apart", that sounds a whole lot better than - "I got caught fucking this chick I met on the net / down the pub".
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drbamboo
Junior Member
Posts: 20
Age Range: 56-60
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Post by drbamboo on Nov 14, 2016 6:14:49 GMT -5
Wise advice as always, but that ship has sailed. The person I cheated with is someone I've known almost two years. We carefully kept this in the friend zone even though we knew there was more. Finally the cork popped. I've been trying for years to explain the situation to my STBX and, as you might expect, it was wasted time. Also began divorce conversations several times and, again as you and others have warned, each failure there only makes subsequent conversations less meaningful and uglier.
In short, I've repeatedly demonstrated my one true skill in life: making a bad situation worse. Although I would never have been able to say "we grew apart" that would have been a lie 25 years ago. We never grew together. Without a sexual bond a marriage is just a complicated friendship. Unfortunately, it took me decades to realize that.
Divorce is going to be uglier than it would have been, but it was never going to be orderly and respectful. I know her better than that. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned". That's her to a T. And her "scorned" detector is pretty much permanently pegged based on a toxic mother. Boy can I pick 'em.
So yes, I screwed up. But thanks for the advice, I'll try not to make it too much worse.
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Post by iceman on Nov 14, 2016 13:37:55 GMT -5
Good for you! Given your situation you have nothing to feel bad about. Your STBX brought it on herself. I suspect however she might have a different opinion and possibly make your life hell for awhile. I'm thinking you'll think it was worth it, and I agree.
Out of curiosity, what's the situation with your partner in crime. Married? Single? Divorced?
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 14, 2016 15:59:44 GMT -5
Baza - it's a no fault state and she will go batshit anyway. And 30 years is a long time and everyone has a limit. I frankly don't give a fuck. I'm not a woman in a Muslim country so I can't be stoned to death. So losing 50% is trivial in comparison. Think of it this way, you are not losing 50% You are gaining 50% and more. No more rejection instead you gain acceptance! How much is that worth? |
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Post by unmatched on Nov 14, 2016 18:20:55 GMT -5
I think all the advice about getting caught and making an already fraught situation more complicated and difficult is valid and correct. However, I also think there is a huge inertia hump to be got over in getting out of a SM. And sometimes I think having an affair or a one night stand can be exactly what you need to shake you up, make you think 'OMG that is what I was missing!' and generally provide the shot in the arm you need to get things moving. Knowing your marriage is dead is one thing, finding the energy to prise its cold dead fingers off your ankle, kick it in the head and walk away is something entirely different. So was it a screw up? Or was it in fact the best thing you could have done? Only you can answer that.
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Post by tamara68 on Nov 15, 2016 2:27:57 GMT -5
I think all the advice about getting caught and making an already fraught situation more complicated and difficult is valid and correct. However, I also think there is a huge inertia hump to be got over in getting out of a SM. And sometimes I think having an affair or a one night stand can be exactly what you need to shake you up, make you think 'OMG that is what I was missing!' and generally provide the shot in the arm you need to get things moving. Knowing your marriage is dead is one thing, finding the energy to prise its cold dead fingers off your ankle, kick it in the head and walk away is something entirely different. So was it a screw up? Or was it in fact the best thing you could have done? Only you can answer that. ExActly! I cheated and I knew the chance of getting caught was big. Especially since my stbx notices every little detail. I also knew that I was very much stuck in my dysfunctional marriage. I needed to do something to break free. So I cheated. It was making things more complicated but it definitely shake things up  It was emotional, difficult sometimes and wonderful and liberating at other times. A whole new world opened up to me, outside of me but also experiencing myself as much more feminine and capable of more than I knew before. It made me feel better about myself, but also worse about myself at the darker moments. All in all it was what I needed to open the gate and take the steps that I needed to get away. |
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Post by bballgirl on Nov 15, 2016 6:19:46 GMT -5
I think all the advice about getting caught and making an already fraught situation more complicated and difficult is valid and correct. However, I also think there is a huge inertia hump to be got over in getting out of a SM. And sometimes I think having an affair or a one night stand can be exactly what you need to shake you up, make you think 'OMG that is what I was missing!' and generally provide the shot in the arm you need to get things moving. Knowing your marriage is dead is one thing, finding the energy to prise its cold dead fingers off your ankle, kick it in the head and walk away is something entirely different. So was it a screw up? Or was it in fact the best thing you could have done? Only you can answer that. ExActly! I cheated and I knew the chance of getting caught was big. Especially since my stbx notices every little detail. I also knew that I was very much stuck in my dysfunctional marriage. I needed to do something to break free. So I cheated. It was making things more complicated but it definitely shake things up It was emotional, difficult sometimes and wonderful and liberating at other times. A whole new world opened up to me, outside of me but also experiencing myself as much more feminine and capable of more than I knew before. It made me feel better about myself, but also worse about myself at the darker moments. All in all it was what I needed to open the gate and take the steps that I needed to get away. I would agree with this testimonial. I outsourced primarily to find out what was wrong with me (am I awful in bed?,not tight anymore after 2 kids?, bad blowjob?). After round one or two I asked this man who was basically a stranger. I needed to know and I planned on it just being a one time thing to get my answers. However when I left the hotel that day I became aware of so much that I had been missing and how selfish my H is. I also learned it's not me. That was huge. To this day I still have to be reminded it's not me and I am because that stranger is now a friend and we both still want and desire each other which is a emotional and psychological need. Outsourcing put me on a path to free myself as did the good people of EP. |
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It was emotional, difficult sometimes and wonderful and liberating at other times.
